alone

cuddles · 06-09-2005 7:34pm #1

I entered a lonely clear cut path,
In the middle of the forest.
Never entered alone before,
Thought this day would never come.

I never felt this way before,
the feeling of being alone.
they have all left my cosyside,
to see another way.

We walked along this pathway,
Many times before.
Unknowing how important,
They had been to me.

I saw someone in the distance,
A face familure to me.
I looked for a moment,
Until they saw me.

Unknowing what to do,
I turn to face the sea.
I do not stop walking,
''SPLASH''
:eek:

this is my first ever non forced poem. truthfully wats it like.

jimmidy_cricket · 07-09-2005 9:55pm

I think it starts off with too many words that sound the same:

cuddles wrote:

I entered a lonely clear cut path,
In the middle of the forest.
Never entered alone before,
Thought this day would never come.

I never felt this way before,
the feeling of being alone.
.

How about I entered a secluded clear cut path,..
...Never ventured on my own before...
..Inever felt this way before,
this solitary feeling.

I don't know it might make it a bit more varied and easier to read, but maybe the repitition was something you wanted in it?

the raven · 14-09-2005 2:25pm

familure

and an emoticon.

what the hell are you trying to do to the english language?

a "lonely clear cut path" is a conflicting image that doesn't make any sense.
a somewhat lonely and ominous path would immediately be envisioned as being overgrown and dark. Not "clear cut".

and ok, so you're in a forest one second the next you're in the sea. well, it's a nice idea to allude to or include the image or introduce the mere idea of water somewhere in the poem before you take that huge leap.

too many "i"s, "me"s "alone"s, "never"s, "before"s.

the piece doesn't flow.

one or two tips: keep writing, over and over and over; and read, read poetry and books (anything but mills&boon... ugh...). we all learn over time.

Shad0r · 14-09-2005 2:42pm

I'd like to know what a "non forced" poem is?

Also I agree that you beat the word "alone" (or lonely) in the first two verses to death. Misspelling in a poem, unless its poetic licence, is just criminal in my book.

To tell you the truth (and you asked for it), I think the poem is thrown together and lacks any real sense of flow. The images you use are too fragmented. If I had to guess I would say that you wrote it in one sitting and posted it to this forum right away without so much as a spell check.

If what I'm saying is a bit brutally honest, then I'm sorry but you did ask for the truth. With regards to where to go from here:
If you enjoyed writing it, then you should keep writing poetry. I've written some poems that read like they've been written by a brain damaged monkey coming down off crack cocaine. I'll never be a poet but I still write from time to time.
I would suggest however that when you write a piece, give it the once over with a spell checker, save it and leave it alone for a week or so. Then go back to it and see how it reads. Edit and save it again. Repeat until happy!

Shad0r · 14-09-2005 2:45pm

Also, just another thought...

If you dont read books and short stories you have no business writing prose, not at least that you expect other people to read. You are quite simply not equiped with the tools you need to do the job.

The same goes for poetry.

the raven · 14-09-2005 5:45pm

well shad0r.
that was a fantastic reply but seems oddly familiar (or "familure") to me.
lets just think about that one eh??

lilmissprincess · 02-10-2005 5:46pm

Ah lads, be a little bit nice....she's only new...ok, I know its here for criticism ,and Cuddles, you need a few spelling lessons and perhaps a thesaurus ( ok, I won't start on the thesaurus speech today!), but if you practice, you'll surely improve. These sound an awful lot like some other stuff I have, but whatever. See ya in the canteen.

Shad0r · 03-10-2005 12:28am

the raven wrote:

well shad0r.
that was a fantastic reply but seems oddly familiar (or "familure") to me.
lets just think about that one eh??

ssshhhhhh.

You hadn’t posted when I clicked on the reply button...

Ah lads, be a little bit nice....she's only new...ok, I know its here for criticism ,and Cuddles, you need a few spelling lessons and perhaps a thesaurus ( ok, I won't start on the thesaurus speech today!), but if you practice, you'll surely improve.

Why? So she'll feel good about what she’s written? That would be false, ESPECIALLY considering that she didn’t even spell check it before posting. (Incidentally I couldn’t give a monkey’s toss about spelling errors in normal boards posting but when you are putting up something that you have allegedly spent time writing, not to run it through a spell checker is just lazy & negligent)

If you don’t want to hear truthful opinions then don’t ask for them and if you cant take criticism then you definitely have no business putting your writing in a public forum.

Besides if she can suck it up and take the criticism on the chin she'll be a better writer for it. If you don’t find out what you're doing wrong and what you could do better how are you ever going to get better?

lilmissprincess · 03-10-2005 6:44pm

Yeah, thats what I said to her today, she told me promptly to shut up, said she won't be posting anymore...ye broke her spirit, although I agree. I got all this criticism too, and I think its made me cop on to what i write. No, actually, being banned did that, but whatever...

alone

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