Ex with House Mate

the_syco · 06-09-2005 01:22PM

Does it make it right regardless of her knowing or not?

If she knew, its open game. If she didn't know, she's not much of a friend.

Norinoco · 06-09-2005 01:24PM

the_syco wrote:

If she knew, its open game. If she didn't know, she's not much of a friend.

In my book,it's not open game when it is a friend and house mates ex.

I hope a friend of yours never does this to you.

I wouldnt wish this mess on an enemy.

Kell · 06-09-2005 01:27PM

Beruthiel wrote:

there's your answer right there
he really must have been gutted to wait all of four days before finding himself someone else :rolleyes:
find yourself somewhere else to live and move out, I wouldn't waste another second thinking about him, he certainly didn't waste any on you

You've changed your tune! I thought your answer to relationship breakups was to get under someone asap?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Have to say though OP, you were split up. You had no right to expect him to treat you in any given way whatsoever. Had you not had expectations of him, maybe you wouldnt be hurt so much.

So what if your housemate got her jollies with him. They are both adults I assume and I doubt very much if they went out to deliberately hurt you*.

As to whether to go holidaying? Decide if you can stick him on the trip or not. Simple. If you cant, go. If you cant, dont.

K-

*If it turns out they did, you are hereby authorised to go psycho on their ásses. Preferabley with a large chef's knife. Guns for show, knives for a pro and all that.

Beruthiel · 06-09-2005 01:30PM

the_syco wrote:

If she knew, its open game..

completely disagree
what real friend would add to your pain by causing more?

Beruthiel · 06-09-2005 01:31PM

Kell wrote:

You've changed your tune! I thought your answer to relationship breakups was to get under someone asap?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

that didn't include doing your best mate in the house you all live in!!! :eek:

Chavster · 06-09-2005 01:40PM

Farls wrote:

lads need to be told things straight out

This is perhaps the most important thing that's been said here! We are simple creatures and like to live in a black & white world. What you think of as blatantly obvious may actually be so subtle we fail to see it at all

After hearing that there was no chance of getting back with you he moved on. Admittedly it was crappy that he went off with one of your close friends. What does she have to say about the whole thing?

Norinoco · 06-09-2005 01:49PM

Chavster wrote:

What does she have to say about the whole thing?

She is not saying much. She appologied and said she didnt mean for it to happen but that doesnt really mean anything to me.
If she was really sorry, and didnt mean it, then she would not be still texting/calling/meeting up with him every chance she can get.

Everytime I see her, i want to pick up the nearest chair and beat her with it!!

Farls · 06-09-2005 03:08PM

Have to say that the whole going with a friend of your ex's is completely out of the question and IMO just about the lowest thing you can do...only if you want to cause real pain to your ex would you do this. And in the first few days/weeks after a break up you might want to do this...but it will normally be regretted.

A lad I live with went through this only worse...he was living with a girl for 3 years, was about to propose to her but she dumped him...kicked him out and moved his "best friend" in then. He went through months of hell there his world ended. But he got them back...he rode all her friends and his "best friends" ex also. In my book this man is a legend. He's now happy again and living life to the max 6 months later...although he says the hurt will never go away, he still lies awake at night thinking of her etc.

Norinoco · 06-09-2005 03:14PM

Farls wrote:

Have to say that the whole going with a friend of your ex's is completely out of the question and IMO just about the lowest thing you can do...only if you want to cause real pain to your ex would you do this. And in the first few days/weeks after a break up you might want to do this...but it will normally be regretted.

A lad I live with went through this only worse...he was living with a girl for 3 years, was about to propose to her but she dumped him...kicked him out and moved his "best friend" in then. He went through months of hell there his world ended. But he got them back...he rode all her friends and his "best friends" ex also. In my book this man is a legend. He's now happy again and living life to the max 6 months later...although he says the hurt will never go away, he still lies awake at night thinking of her etc.

Jesus - what a b*tch. Poor fecker!
Well i suppose I cant say my situation is that bad.

Have arranged to meet with with the ex tonight and have a civil conversation and sort out Thailand and the rest.
Not sure yet what to do with the b*tch I live with, but im sure she will get what she deserves! Im a firm believer in what goes around comes around.

Farls · 06-09-2005 03:23PM

Before you meet up sort out what all you want to know in your head...have your questions ready for him. Also to help sort your head out ask him questions about your friend...how it happened etc, then ask her the same questions and see if stories match or what...it should help you get to the bottom of it.

My advice is to put an end to it tonight...no holiday together, no nothing, say your farewells. Keep in contact then thru email/txt maybe and if somewhere down the line you's still feel love for each other then maybe chance it.

But at the moment its a no-no...both your heads will be all over the place feelings will be running high and its no way to start a fresh in a relationship.

ven0m · 06-09-2005 03:29PM

Beruthiel wrote:

there's your answer right there
he really must have been gutted to wait all of four days before finding himself someone else :rolleyes:
find yourself somewhere else to live and move out, I wouldn't waste another second thinking about him, he certainly didn't waste any on you

Wouldn't u normally say to someone who had a bad break up to get under someone else to get over them???? Isn't this what the guy has done????

::: ven0mous :::

dramaqueen · 06-09-2005 03:45PM

If you feel like hitting her with a chair that tell her.
Imagine how she will feel if when she walks into a room you stand up and say, "Right I'm off, if I spend as much as one minute in your company I might smack you!"
She doesn't deserve for you to let her off lightly.
(I am not suggesting that you actually hit her, just make her totally understand how angry you are)
Everyone knows the friendship rules. You never go near your friends turf, even if it is an ex. She crossed the line.
With regards to whether he fancied her all along, probably not. He probably never really thought of her as anything other than your friend and housemate. It probably wasn't until the opportunity came up that he saw her as anything else.
Probably.
But you'll never know so don't stress out about it.

Norinoco · 06-09-2005 03:55PM

dramaqueen wrote:

If you feel like that tell her.
Imagine how she will feel if when she walks into a room you stand up and say, "Right I'm off, if I spend as much as one minute in your company I might smack you!"
She doesn't deserve for you to let her off lightly.
(I am not suggesting that you actually hit her, just make her totally understand how angry you are)

Believe it or not, this will not be the route im going to take with her.
If I start flying off the handle with her, it will only make living in the house hell for the other 2 girls I live with - whom are fantastic friends.
It really isn't in my personality to be confrontational.

All day yesterday I was civil to her, then in the evening i called in to her room for a chat about. Told her how much she has hurt me, and how no one would do this to a real friend.
Letting her know how I felt in a civil manner probably got to her more than If i started throwing things at her.

Norinoco · 06-09-2005 04:01PM

Farls wrote:

Before you meet up sort out what all you want to know in your head...have your questions ready for him. Also to help sort your head out ask him questions about your friend...how it happened etc, then ask her the same questions and see if stories match or what...it should help you get to the bottom of it.

My advice is to put an end to it tonight...no holiday together, no nothing, say your farewells. Keep in contact then thru email/txt maybe and if somewhere down the line you's still feel love for each other then maybe chance it.

But at the moment its a no-no...both your heads will be all over the place feelings will be running high and its no way to start a fresh in a relationship.

Unfortunatly, i know all the ins and outs of how if happened, when it happened and where it happened!

You are right about it being no way to start in to fresh relationship.
I think the ship has sailed on us getting back together.

All I want now, is to get rid of this hurt feeling that it constantly there.
And making peace with him might be the way to do it.

LegacyUser · 06-09-2005 04:03PM

So he spends Friday night with her, then you arrive Saturday and spend the night, im assuming alone with him in one tent. Where was this girl he is supposed to be now seeing?? Does she tolerate his spending the night with his now Ex?

Seems to me like he is using her to get at you and she is putting up with.

Forget about him, he probably knows that he is getting to you and you need to learn your lesson too, you cannot play with peoples emotions and expect them to be there for you when you arent feeling so harassed

annR · 06-09-2005 04:06PM

Couple breaks up because the girl feels taken for granted, guy pressures her for a decision, she makes it and he's with someone else 2 seconds later . . . . . .I hate to say it but to me it looks like he wanted out.

He is entitled to want out and to move on etc, but I think both of them have totally walked on your feelings. All's fair in love and war is the tone of some of the posts so far, but if that's the case I wouldn't feel that there was much room for friendship with either of them.

Head off to Thailand *without him*, I wouldn't bother with trying to be friends etc, go on to Australia and have a great time.

the_syco · 06-09-2005 04:08PM

Beruthiel wrote:

completely disagree
what real friend would add to your pain by causing more?

I've seen it happen to a few people I know, and this was the excuse given.

And no, my mates don't do this.

/edit

Don't goto Thailand with them. Goto a backpackers hostel, and go with a group there. Many backpackers go this way if they're going alone. If they (your ex+ yuor "friend") have so little regard for your feelings here, in Thailand it won't be any better, so it may work out better i you backpack with a group out for fun (rather than a daily reminder of your breakup).

Or sell the tickets, and go on a weekend away to Paris, or something, for a laugh.

Norinoco · 06-09-2005 04:42PM

the_syco wrote:

Don't goto Thailand with them.

Just to let you know, it is only Himself and I going on the holiday, I was meant to be our first holiday together!

There is the option of Australia.

2 of my closest friends will be in Bangkok the same day as i arrive and they are going travelling for 5 weeks in Asia, then heading on to Australia for the year.

Origionally i was meant to go with them, but because himself wouldnt go and I didnt want to leave him, I booked the month in thailand to try and get the travel bug out of my system.

There is really nothing stopping me:
i have the flights over to aisa, I have the vaccines, I have the travel insurance, Ihave plenty of money to get me though the year, a job i can leave with 1 weeks notice(still in probation) and no one really to stay in ireland for (except family, which will be fine)

I would be leaving an excellent job - which is very unlikely i would get back in to.

WhiteWashMan · 06-09-2005 05:12PM

hes a free agent, and he is free to do what he wants.

its not pleasant for you, but i dont think he did it just to be spiteful, but rather because he is probably an emotional wreck, and people do stupid things when they are in that state.

at the moment, what he does with your house mate is none of your business, but if you plan on going on holiday, then i would have it out with him, clear the air completely and utterly, otherwise, its just going to be a complete waste of money.

as for the house mate, if youa re upset at her, then tell her. she can either talk to you, or tell you to mind your own business (which she would be entirely at liberty to do in my opinion)

the_syco · 07-09-2005 12:43AM

Norinoco wrote:

I would be leaving an excellent job - which is very unlikely i would get back in to.

Don't leave it because of him/her. You may regret it in time to come.

Best to clear the air with him, go around with your mates for a bit, and then come back to the job. It may seem like a good idea to feck all into the bin, but if the only reason is him, don't.

Chin up, enjoy the short vacation, and then get back to the job. As for the year traveling: alot of jobs allow a year off, so you may get to do it later on.

DublinWriter · 07-09-2005 01:30AM

Norinoco wrote:

It was only 4 days after we broke up, that they were together.

Well, there's wee clue. AFTER you broke up.

So what should he have done? Hacked off his genitals, sworn himself to a life of celibacy and built a shrine to you in his bedroom?

Life trundles on. It didn't work out. It's move on time for both of you.

But if I were you I wouldn't holiday with both parties as obviously the pain is fresh enough. I'd make a clean break from all parties concerned, learn the lessons, and move on.

annR · 07-09-2005 09:57AM

A year travelling really benefits people who have lost some direction career wise, or otherwise . . .if you have a good job which you like, and you're happy enough in general (apart from current issues), think very carefully about giving it up to go away for a year. Maybe a holiday is enough?

Norinoco · 07-09-2005 10:00AM

the_syco wrote:

Don't leave it because of him/her. You may regret it in time to come.

If i leave it certinally wont be because of him - it will be because I want to go.

[EDIT] Ann, the job is good but im not sure it is for me really. If I come back it shouldnt be too hard getting another job.
Im only 24, starting my career can hold on for another year. [/EDIT]

DublinWriter wrote:

So what should he have done? Hacked off his genitals, sworn himself to a life of celibacy and built a shrine to you in his bedroom?

No. I expected him to respect me and not be with a friend/girl I live with.
I would be no where near as disappointed if it was a stranger.
This has not just effect the us, the tension in the house is huge - and it is upsetting the other girls i live with also.

Norinoco · 08-09-2005 09:01AM

Its amazing how this whole situation has changed things:

I am leaving Ireland on the 30th of October on my own to Thailand.
Meeting up with my friends and going on the Sydney for a year (flights booked)

The girl I live with is moving out of the house - the other 2 dont want to live with her anymore.

From lunch time today I am cutting contact with the ex.

Found out last night that they were messing about when I was going out with him, so the decision to break up with him was the right one in the end.

Its amazing what can happen in the space of 4 days!!!!!!!

Thanks for everyones advice - it has really helped my make my decisions.

SparkyLarks · 08-09-2005 10:03AM

So it turns out that he is a B*****rd.

All my previous posts assumed that he wasn't.
Had you know on you first post my advice would have been different.

You seam to know more about him know and have a different view of him now.

Hope you have a great time in Thiland and Oz

LegacyUser · 08-09-2005 10:54AM

best of luck, enjoy thailand, tis a great place

.

Norinoco wrote:

Its amazing how this whole situation has changed things:

I am leaving Ireland on the 30th of October on my own to Thailand.
Meeting up with my friends and going on the Sydney for a year (flights booked)

The girl I live with is moving out of the house - the other 2 dont want to live with her anymore.

From lunch time today I am cutting contact with the ex.

Found out last night that they were messing about when I was going out with him, so the decision to break up with him was the right one in the end.

Its amazing what can happen in the space of 4 days!!!!!!!

Thanks for everyones advice - it has really helped my make my decisions.

dramaqueen · 08-09-2005 11:36AM

It's probably a relief that it's all decided.
Have a brilliant trip and, it may be a cliché, but there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Norinoco · 08-09-2005 11:36AM

Thanks - really looking forward to heading now.

Just handed my notice in so the ball is in motion!

narommy · 08-09-2005 12:04PM

I was way off the mark.

Enjoy the hols

Farls · 08-09-2005 01:22PM

You got to the bottom of it...good woman...closure.

It will still hit you at some point in the future but you know now that you made the right decision without even knowing the full extent of the problem!

Enjoy your trip, I know you will though...thailand and oz are amazing my best friend is there at the moment. Bring warm clothes though he says its freezing!

Best of luck in the future

Ex with House Mate

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