Ex with House Mate

Norinoco

Really should do this anonymously but anyway!

My relationship background!!:
Started going out 2 years ago.
Lived together for 1 and a half years in Dublin.
Have known each other for 6 years.
Broke up with each others boyfriend ( of 2 years)/girlfriend (of 5 years) to be together.

We broke up, as he was taking me for granted, treating me like of the girls we lived with.
Said that being single for a while would do us the world of good, and in 3 weeks we are heading to Thailand together and we would see what happened there.

He moved out a couple of weeks ago, to give both of us some space.

During the break-up, I said that I would seriously consider getting back together in the future. I said that I would not get back with him until i was certain that I wanted it. He kept pressuring me for an answer, so last Monday out of frustration I said I didn’t want to get back together.

Thursday night, he kissed one of the girls I live with, who has lived with us for the year and a half we were living in Dublin together. A good friend.

We were all going to electric picnic at the weekend; i decided to wait until Saturday morning to go down.
They were together again Friday night in the campsite.

Went down Saturday, had a great day hanging out with him.
Sunday morning I woke up before him (we shared a tent) - and read his text messages (I know I was in the wrong doing this but i just had a feeling there was something going one)
This is how I found out they were meeting each other - they didn’t even have the decency to tell me themselves. All of her friends know and none of them said a thing.

I confronted him and he told me that they were meeting each other.
I was completely devastated (I still am).
He has told me that they wouldn’t have been together if I had said that we would get back together.

It was only 4 days after we broke up, that they were together.

I really don’t know that to do now.

I still live with the girl, now seeing the guy i love, and have done so for 2 years.
I still have a holiday booked for 3 weeks time.

Should I still travel with him to Thailand?
Should I move out? Should I ask her to move out?
Should I just cut both of them out of my life?
Will I just continue on to australia from thailand and meet up with all my real friends? - there is nothing stopping me now.

Sorry for the length of this post! Any advise will be really appreciated

Beruthiel

Norinoco wrote:

It was only 4 days after we broke up, that they were together.

there's your answer right there
he really must have been gutted to wait all of four days before finding himself someone else :rolleyes:
find yourself somewhere else to live and move out, I wouldn't waste another second thinking about him, he certainly didn't waste any on you

conor-mr2

Norinoco wrote:

Really should do this anonymously but anyway!


Thursday night, he kissed one of the girls I live with, who has lived with us for the year and a half we were living in Dublin together. A good friend.

Agree with Beruthiel!

A good friend you say? I think not.

Id get out of that house and off somewhere else.
To be honest I dont think Id be travelling anywhere with that chap.
If you get the opportunity Id head to australia and meet up with as you say, your real friends.

Good luck

ShiverinEskimo

Aye, get away from them - out of sight out of mind. And go to thailand, enjoy it and go on to Oz, new life, new people, be yourself and not have to face that ****e on a day to day basis..and whatever you do don't have a go at either - it'll kill them more if you say nothing - trust me on this one..he's probably only doing it to make you jealous and so i'd almost guarantee they'll stop seeing each other as soon as he realises it hasn't worked - in fact, backfired.

SparkyLarks

you told him you wouldn't get back together.
He moved on. nothing wrong with that at all.

It might just be his way of getting over you.

Or he might really like this other girl.

The question you have to ask is. Do you want him back??
If you do then tell him.

If not then why cut them out of your life?
You say they are both friends be happy for them.

If you want to go to Oz do. a fresh start might be good.

narommy

Norinoco wrote:

We broke up, as he was taking me for granted, treating me like of the girls we lived with.

Said that being single for a while would do us the world of good, and in 3 weeks we are heading to Thailand together and we would see what happened there.

He moved out a couple of weeks ago, to give both of us some space.

During the break-up, I said that I would seriously consider getting back together in the future. I said that I would not get back with him until i was certain that I wanted it. He kept pressuring me for an answer, so last

Monday out of frustration I said I didn’t want to get back together.

i decided to wait until Saturday morning to go down.
They were together again Friday night in the campsite.

He has told me that they wouldn’t have been together if I had said that we would get back together.

Should I still travel with him to Thailand?

Really, What did you expect??? You initiated it.

You probably made his life fairly miserably in the run up to your break because you resented his treatment of you

Where do women get off?? Messing guys around and then getting pist with the consequences? If it's good enough to break up with for a few weeks then why not for good.

In saying that you could hope that he is getting back at you and now would be a good time to grovel and hopefully go to Thailand together. Either that or move on

narommy

Beruthiel wrote:

there's your answer right there
he really must have been gutted to wait all of four days before finding himself someone else :rolleyes:
find yourself somewhere else to live and move out, I wouldn't waste another second thinking about him, he certainly didn't waste any on you

He was probably getting even.

Can you imagine all the grief he was getting in the run up to the split?

And having a nice girl who seemed mellow-er and a lot less hassel in the background (probably sympathising with him for his troubles)? Something had to happen.

And then to have a break where he could legally try out the other girl. wow

The most surprising thing was that he tried to get back with her after she announced they were on a break

Norinoco

narommy wrote:

Really, What did you expect??? You initiated it.

I expected him to have a bit more respect for me and not start meeting the girl i ( and he) lived with.

I expected him to realise that this would hurt me.

The break up was to give us time to think - to get to know each other again and start having fun together again.

Norinoco

narommy wrote:

He was probably getting even.

Can you imagine all the grief he was getting in the run up to the split?

And having a nice girl who seemed mellow-er and a lot less hassel in the background (probably sympathising with him for his troubles)? Something had to happen.

And then to have a break where he could legally try out the other girl. wow

The most surprising thing was that he tried to get back with her after she announced they were on a break

The break up wasnt exactly a picnic for me either - so getting even is not a reasonable answer.

Maybe i expected too much from him.

Boston

So you and him where separated for awhile. Very much so in a grey area. Then you say to him you don't want to ever get back with him(which you obvious did) and he goes off with someone else. I fail to see how this is any of this fault. He's absolutely right about it being yours. IF you had been upfront baout your feeling he wouldn't have messed around. Also it was none of your business if they where going out. It was early days and I'm not surprised he didn't tell you.

narommy

Norinoco wrote:

I expected him to realise that this would hurt me.
QUOTE]

I presume that he did realise this and may have being doing this to jerk you into your senses.

Breaks are a bad idea. Either work things out in you relationship or they won't work out.

How could you have a break from somebody in the same house?

Again you told him to F**k off after he appears to have made efforts to get back together.

When most guys get a break they take advantage of it. He waited to weeks and only seems to have acted when you gave him the final release.

Norinoco

Well, in fairness - I wanted an impartial view on the whole situation and Im getting it.

I still dont condone what he has done, but I do understand that I could have stopped it.

Maybe Im the one to blame for this mess.

SparkyLarks

So you broke up with him and you might want to get back with him in the future but while you broken up and deciding he's can't kiss other girls?

you've broken up. He can do what he want's
.you either are in a committed relatinship or your not. There is no half measures. If you can;t respect him enough that you expect him to wait till you've decided what you want why should he respect you?

Is there a list of girls you don;t want him to se while your deciding?? or is it any girl? How long should he wait, 1 week a month a day. What if you break up and he meats his soulmate??

And he probably did know that it would hurt you. You said that you wouldn;t be getting back together so in his eyes, You just dumped him, probably broke his heart, he probably still loves you but hates you and himself for it.

How can a break up help you get to know each other again?? If you want to see if you can get on without each other then it has to complete and for more than 3 weeks.

Myself and my GF had a break for a month, got back together and things weren't better. We stayed together and started working them out and things got better.

If you want a break go to Oz and see him when he comes back things might be better. a 3 week break where your sharing a tent isn;t a break. that's not having sex. you haven't stopped your relationship you've just changed the boundries.

If you want to stay with him tell him what you want. You want him to be more spontaneous/responsible/whatever. and he does the same and ye work on it.

So do you still love him, or are you just pissed that he's moved on?

narommy

Norinoco wrote:

The break up wasnt exactly a picnic for me either

So then maybe you are better off and the relationship was on the rocks anyways and having a break was the right decision.

The outcome is good for both of you. You get shocked into moving on.

Sleipnir

YOU WERE ON A BREAK!

Sorry, had to say that.

So, you dumped him. He kept on at you to take him back. You said "no, we're not getting back together"
Now he's seeing someone else?

So you got what you wanted. Or, more specifically, you got what you told him you wanted.

Norinoco

SparkyLarks wrote:

So do you still love him, or are you just pissed that he's moved on?

I still love him, but after being with the girl i live with - getting back together is no longer an option.
Its really time to move on.

Im just hurt and disappointed. Maybe i didnt expect him to move on that quickly.

SparkyLarks

Norinoco wrote:

Well, in fairness - I wanted an impartial view on the whole situation and Im getting it.

I still dont condone what he has done, but I do understand that I could have stopped it.

Maybe Im the one to blame for this mess.

Don't blame youself.
Break-up's are never 1 persons fault. They rarely happen over 1 thing either. it's all the little things that build up that cause breakup's.

He shouldn;t have preassurised you when you were trying to work things out, but similarly you shouldn;t have told him that you wen't going to get back together.

But it's not the people here that you need to talk to.
Talk to him and work things out.

either you work it out or you get closure and can still be friends.

narommy

Sorry,
I misread
I thought that you said that the time running up to the break wasn't a picnic

narommy

Norinoco wrote:

I still love him

This is the issue.

Regardless of all other issues (including housemate) you need to have a chat and either get back together or get closure.

If you don't it will bug you in 10 years time

I think it was a pity because it sounds like ye had somrhin going on. My wife did the dirt once (before we were married and not going out for long) but we sorted it and moved on. It was hard at the time but I got over it and things worked out.

narommy

SparkyLarks wrote:

Don't blame youself.
Break-up's are never 1 persons fault. They rarely happen over 1 thing either. it's all the little things that build up that cause breakup's.

He shouldn;t have preassurised you when you were trying to work things out, but similarly you shouldn;t have told him that you wen't going to get back together.

But it's not the people here that you need to talk to.
Talk to him and work things out.

either you work it out or you get closure and can still be friends.

Have to go but this post is good. Pity rep points is gone

LegacyUser

sounds like an awful situation to be in.

i'd say go to thailand, on your own if you have to, you might be able to transfer the ticket, get a buddy to go, i would, but am seeing somonw

move out too, if it's serious with the x and the housmate, he'll be around, worse still, going at it, in the same house!

fcuk that 5hit, time to move on.

best of luck.

GreenHell

Norinoco wrote:

Will I just continue on to australia from thailand and meet up with all my real friends? - there is nothing stopping me now.

Sounds good.

Norinoco

SparkyLarks wrote:

But it's not the people here that you need to talk to.
Talk to him and work things out.

either you work it out or you get closure and can still be friends.

We have tried talking about it, but for me, feelings are still very raw. I just end up abusing him!

If it was a stranger he was with, then I wouldnt have as vivid a picture of them together.

dramaqueen

Oh my God, it's certainly strange to see the male point of view on this one!
Scary...
From the female perspective, I totally understand that you feel betrayed and hurt by both him and your friend.
You broke up with him and you were suffering and I think apart of you kind of expected him to be heartbroken. It's hurts the pride to think that he moved on so quickly.
In reality all he did was move on physically, not emotionally. So that should give you some comfort.
If it was another girl, I don't think it would have hurt as much. The fact is that he targeted a girl close to you, probably because he knew, on some level, it would hurt even more and he wanted to get even.
Now you are left wondering if he fancied her all the time and maybe there is a part of you thinking that maybe something was going on before you broke up.
It all sounds to me that he got what he wanted - you hurting.
It's fairly normal when you break up with somebody to rebound fairly quickly. We don't want to face our hurt so we try to ignore it by grabbing the first available body. I think he behaved like most people do. It would be nice to think that he might have the maturity to wait and to actually allow himself the time he needed to get over you, but that is often wishful thinking!
In my opinion the real crime here was committed by your "FRIEND".
Whatever about him, she owed you her loyalty. You didn't do anything to hurt her so she has no excuse. Cut your losses and move.
I wouldn't go on holidays with him, I would exchange the ticket for a direct flight to Oz and get a few extra weeks there. Come back refreshed and ready to start over.
Your relationship was rocky to start with. It's unlikely that it would ever survive this much hurt. You broke up with him for a reason and that reason still stands, no matter what has gone on recently. It is awful that what once was a really important relationship in your life has fallen apart so sourly, but you can't have expected that it would be plain sailing.

narommy

Norinoco wrote:

We have tried talking about it, but for me, feelings are still very raw. I just end up abusing him!

That ye talked about it is a good thing.

How did it turn abusive? How did the conversation go.

Norinoco

dramaqueen wrote:

Now you are left wondering if he fancied her all the time and maybe there is a part of you thinking that maybe something was going on before you broke up.

You must be psychic!

dramaqueen wrote:

In my opinion the real crime here was committed by your "FRIEND".

I spoke to her about this also.
I basically explained to her that no friend of mine would ever do this and that in the future, I hope that no friend of her would ever do this.

They thing that kills me is that through out my relationship with himself, I confided in her about our up and downs.
Asked her for occational advise.

I just feel really betrayed - by both of them.

Sherifu

LiouVille wrote:

So you and him where separated for awhile. Very much so in a grey area. Then you say to him you don't want to ever get back with him(which you obvious did) and he goes off with someone else. I fail to see how this is any of this fault. He's absolutely right about it being yours. IF you had been upfront baout your feeling he wouldn't have messed around. Also it was none of your business if they where going out. It was early days and I'm not surprised he didn't tell you.

I agree with most of this tbh.
He could have let the dust settle a bit before going after your housemate,
but in fairness he's done nothing wrong as far as i can see.
Best to cut your losses and walk away unless you think he's 'the one'....

Norinoco

narommy wrote:

That ye talked about it is a good thing.

How did it turn abusive? How did the conversation go.

Not really abusive, but argumentative.
It has to do with him not seeing it from my point of view and me not seeing it from his point of view!

But after the comments coming back from rkm, Sleipnir and LiouVille, I should really stand back and have a look at it from both sides more.

Farls

I agree with LiouVille on this also.

Women....stop with the mind games!

lads need to be told things straight out, if you think theres a chance then for god sakes say it! You said there was no chance, he went with another girl...it is your own fault.

In all fairness to him though picking your friend was a raw deal. I'd say he done it just to hurt you and have you feel like he does without you because when he was pestering you to get back you probably came across to him as if you didnt care/love him anymore. As for this going on before the break up, I seriously doubt it...he probably fancied her a bit and even thought about having her (we all do it about our g/f's friends) but never done anything about it and would never off only for you dumped him and broke his heart.

Best thing you can do now is get rid of that friend...she is the real villain. And meet up with him in a neutral quiet place for a long hard conversation about whats going to happen in the future.

Farlz

ps. I may come across as really against you here but I know what your feeling and its the worst ever, there is no fix for it

U$ername

Just a quick question did your "friend" know you two had broken up?...And if so who told her?

Norinoco

U$ername wrote:

Just a quick question did your "friend" know you two had broken up?...And if so who told her?

Yep, she did. She lives with me so she would have known from being around the house.

Regardless of her knowing or not, does it make it ok to be with my ex-boyfriend of 4 days?