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Title open for suggestions (possibly 'mature' content

  • 05-08-2005 4:09pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 229 ✭✭


    'No room for flab,'
    the smash-and-grab scabs
    splashed on the drab
    skin pale from skag
    like lips that brag:
    'This boy will end up on the slab.'

    'No need to cry'
    though times that try
    will rise and surprise
    quicklime still dries
    red eyes so sad,
    'This man will end up on the slab.'

    'They are so kind,'
    so blind, that strive
    to revive dead minds
    once live, cauterise wounds
    from knives that stab
    'This child will end up on the slab!'

    This boy - this man - this child
    did not demand this bile
    no day of trial
    no plan or guile
    can stay the hand that
    seeks its prey so wild
    to grab
    This boy will end up on the slab.

    If you've ever seen someone, just walking down the street, say, that you know will be dead in a year for no good reason, and that there's nothing much to be done about it, you might get this.


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 29,930 ✭✭✭✭TerrorFirmer


    I'm too tired right now to give a detailed reply, but I loved this, really fantastic piece, great work.
    'No need to cry'
    though times that try
    will rise and surprise
    quicklime still dries
    red eyes so sad,
    'This man will end up on the slab.'

    This one especially I thought was excellent. Job Well done.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 240 ✭✭humbleCounty


    I dig it man, thought it was really good. Quite different, not about love, no condescending opinionated sum up at the end,

    it kinda runs a bit fast though, not sure how ya'd slow it down, if you even wanted to...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 229 ✭✭ExOffender


    Cheers for the good response.
    I like fast-running stuff. I always read ee cummings way faster than he must've meant it to be. I suppose when verse can be either fast or slow and still good whichever, then you know you're cookin. Long way to go yet so. :rolleyes:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,284 ✭✭✭pwd


    I like it. It succeeds in provoking an emotional response. I found the rhyming scheme a little distracting, particularly in the first stanza, where I found it made it a little hard to read. I liked the second and last stanzas the most.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 229 ✭✭ExOffender


    Rhyming helps me to keep focus, counter-intuitive as that may sound!


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