idiotic phrases you hear in the workplace

IgnatiusJRiley · 28-10-2004 10:55AM

Third_Echelon wrote:

Good mother of holy fupp.... i cannot stand 'GOING FORWARD'... [/B][/I]

In that case, why is your sig:
"I have recently found that my tolerance to alcohol is not what it once was... clearly regression will be the way going forward"

milltown · 28-10-2004 10:58AM

Don't drop the ball, run with it.

Third_Echelon · 28-10-2004 11:01AM

IgnatiusJRiley wrote:

In that case, why is your sig:
"I have recently found that my tolerance to alcohol is not what it once was... clearly regression will be the way going forward"

i think I might change it to that in an ironic stance against the phrase...

pearsquasher · 28-10-2004 11:08AM

"Lets push the boat out on this one" ..... i'm not a frigging marine engineer

"Its been escalated up the ladder"........ really, how does that work?

"This could be a show-stopper if it isn't resolved"..... like when Tommy Cooper died on stage, like?

I had a boss who would throw phrase after phrase like those mentioned at you like bloody machine gun firing. In the end i had to say... "so what exactly are you saying?".

"The Office" says it all.

MicraBoy · 28-10-2004 11:17AM

"Your bonus has been zeroised"

and

"We need some dedicated mind space"

Keyzer · 28-10-2004 11:26AM

Hahahaha, this is a great post...

I work in place where all the managers, and I do mean all of them, are complete muppets. The bumper book of management is given out when you become a manager here.

Words used by managers in a sentences just to make them fancy -
Clarity, spuriosly, succinctly, remit, prioritized, target Audience, paramount and my personal favorite, paradigm. I don't have balls notion what this word means, but more importantly, neither do the people who use this word.

Phrases used are classic bullshlt bingo combos -

This is not in our remit, its the xxxx teams remit (apparently remit=responsibility, but why didn't you use the word responsibilty you imbecile)

Lets work together on this one (eh, no, I'm gonna play champ manager for the next 4 hours so get someone else to do it)

Lets pull together (eh, no, I pull in the privacy of my own home and on my own)

I need the lowdown on xxxx (the f**king lowdown? where are we? out in the wild west?)

Imagine we are a footbal team and we've had a terrible first half, lets come out and take this second half and win the cup (no comment needed)

ionapaul · 28-10-2004 11:37AM

Ha, I worked from 2000-2003 in San Francisco, dot-com bubble central, and you wouldn't beleive the buzzwords EVERYONE used at that time...not just managers, corporate employees but EVERYONE, waitresses, receptionists, whatever. We couldn't use the word 'use', had to replace it with 'utilize' every time. God, that was annoying. 'Utilizing the modular solution, end-users can leverage the knowledge-base across the entire enterprise and enable the development of a superior paradigm...'

Utilize and leverage, how I hate thee. The Brentmeister General really showed how idiotic this lingo is.

SheroN · 28-10-2004 12:00PM

If it bleeds we can kill it.

Kêrmêttê · 28-10-2004 12:05PM

I've had 3 different female supervisors in 3 different offices where the entire staff was female, and the supervisors insisted on calling all the girls "lads".
"Ok lads! Don't forget the weekly staff meeting is at 3pm today", etc. :rolleyes:
Stoopid bints!

Gordon · 28-10-2004 12:13PM

robbie1876 wrote:

I hate that one so much. I used to have to say it as part of a telesales spiel. I was supposed to say to clients "I want to touch base with you" but I always messed it up and ended up saying "I want to touch you...."

I don't work there anymore...

lol

Personally I always thought of the phrase "touching cloth" whenever "touching base" was mentioned.

Bogger77 · 28-10-2004 12:19PM

OLDYELLAR wrote:

i love this one , i use it a lot , theres no I in team!love it me so sad

I have replied to this with,

but there is a me

The Sweeper · 28-10-2004 12:25PM

Ahahahahahaha...

Occasionally we have thoughts on things. "My thoughts on that are..."

We regularly take nouns and turn them into verbs - "We can coffee at 11 while we meet on that"

We also take client names and turn them into verbs - "What are you working on?" and instead of saying "The MNGN project", you say "I'm MNGNing".

But the worst thing?

The worst things we're guilty of are "the love" and "a beautiful thing".

If a project has been neglected, it hasn't had the love. It needs to be quickly given the love to make it work. We may have a meeting about how much love it's had so far, and debate whether it needs more love. We have been known to break into singing "where is the love" when we've really f*cked things up.

And what happens to something that gets the love?

We make it a beautiful thing.

...the saddest part about this is that is started as a means of making the day more tolerable.

][cEMAN** · 28-10-2004 12:34PM

Hagar wrote:

The correct response to this horseshít is "but there is an M and an E but there is no U. So feck off"

Hehehe yeah a classic response. I actually had that "there's no I in team" from a fellow worker (not management). That was my response "There's a ME in team but no U, so feck off". He clammed right up. I hate little smarmy gits who just come into the job and presume to tell you how to do it.

manmusic · 28-10-2004 12:50PM

My new Favorite is "I gotta piss like a pregnant lady"

Blub2k4 · 28-10-2004 01:02PM

manmusic wrote:

My new Favorite is "I gotta piss like a pregnant lady"

Kinda hard to squeeze that one into meetings with corporate clients?

dictatorcat · 28-10-2004 01:14PM

My boss is a big fan of "lets get moving on this one" and "lets get the ball rolling". Pisses me off no end :mad:

FX Meister · 28-10-2004 01:19PM

My old boss used to love "pushing the envelope" and "lets touch base in an hour". Another of his, directed at female employees, was "better call an ambulance now cause she'll need a pelvic x-ray when I'm done with her".
Another was "R.T.F.M., read the f**king manual", god I hated that one.

fuse · 28-10-2004 01:23PM

"Thanks a mill.."

I hear that around 20 times a day, my hatred for the phrase is growing steadily.

ishnid · 28-10-2004 01:39PM

Actual quote from HP's marketing bloke in today's indo:

These have the potential to deliver new revenue streams for organisations that can use the technologies as a point of differentiation from their competitors.

My inbuilt corporate bull translator turns that into:
Companies with better technology will make more money.

Why can't these people just say what they mean?

milltown · 28-10-2004 01:47PM

A classic from the Mc.Donalds training manual, I'm told:

"Teamwork makes the dream work"

Aaaaah!

Raam · 28-10-2004 01:50PM

ishnid wrote:

Why can't these people just say what they mean?

because they need to maximise their leverage capabilities in terms of self-perpetuation. This has long term advantages in minimising the personal negative effect when a business needs to be streamlined

Blub2k4 · 28-10-2004 01:50PM

milltown wrote:

A classic from the Mc.Donalds training manual, I'm told:

"Teamwork makes the dream work"

Aaaaah!

Who told you this?
Go on admit it it was your supervisor.

steveland? · 28-10-2004 01:54PM

I heard one once: "there's no 'I' in team spirit"

Jack Feeney · 28-10-2004 03:34PM

From a fleeting insight into Human Resource Management BS:

Considering our synergy and strategic fit, we may need to look at core competencies, best practices and overall bottom line. Lets revisit that 24/7, stay in the loop and benchmark so we get a win-win situation. Its not just about fast-tracking proactive remedies, its about empowering knowledge bases, which at the end of the day, must be client-focused and client-driven. :rolleyes:

milltown · 28-10-2004 03:44PM

Blub2k4 wrote:

Who told you this?
Go on admit it it was your supervisor.

I WISH I had such a motivating supervisor. Unfortunately the Mc.Donalds job will remain a dream while I'm stuck here trying to empower the core dynamic by leveraging blah, blah blah ..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

the Guru · 28-10-2004 04:03PM

I want solutions not issues

SprostonGreen · 28-10-2004 04:13PM

milltown wrote:

I WISH I had such a motivating supervisor. Unfortunately the Mc.Donalds job will remain a dream while I'm stuck here trying to empower the core dynamic by leveraging blah, blah blah ..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

When I worked in a call centre, (the worst one ever, its in Park West) I often imagined McDonalds to be a better place to work. given the crap that we had to put up with, and the idiot speak listed here.

Blub2k4 · 28-10-2004 04:29PM

the Guru wrote:

I want solutions not issues

How's about ten teaspoons of salt into 1 liter of water for a solution?

bumdebum tsschhh

Trojan · 28-10-2004 04:56PM

http://www.redbrick.dcu.ie/~thinkzoo/profiles/sorcha.shtml

You have all been exposed to the wonders of ThinkZoo.com ?

stagolee · 28-10-2004 04:59PM

"theres no I in team"
"no but theres a U in FU(K OFF NOW"

idiotic phrases you hear in the workplace

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