Dear Santa

sanncoo · 08-10-2004 11:59AM

Dear Santa

Can I have a 'My little Pony' Celebration Castle grooming set, a 6' 2'' Hunk, a 5 Stop round the world plane tkt, a new car (VW Golf TDi, if possible) and a surprise?

Thanks Santa!

Bard · 08-10-2004 11:59AM

Dear Satan,

Please bring me some useful toys for overthrowing the government.

Thanks,

*Page* · 08-10-2004 01:40PM

can i get a Kawasaki ninja zx 12 r and a purple or red real fairy
and a surpirse from ann summers

bender · 08-10-2004 01:42PM

Dear Santa,

I have been so good this year. I want a spanking new Neonode, Audi A3 2.0 TFI and my girlfriend off my back.

Thanking you

Beruthiel · 08-10-2004 01:49PM

bender
I was sure you'd be looking for chicks, a blackjack game and alcohol

bender · 08-10-2004 02:38PM

Beruthiel wrote:

bender
I was sure you'd be looking for chicks, a blackjack game and alcohol

me thinks... sell Audi & Neonode for loads of cash... and with that comes chiks and alcohol...

Pss... dont tell santa

monkeyfudge · 08-10-2004 03:02PM

eh... first I want a monkey and then a friend for the monkey...

gandalf · 08-10-2004 07:13PM

Santa Claus wrote:

Gandalf,
I left the skaletrix under the tree as per the arrangement. It's not my fault that you dad took it and set it up in the attic so he could play with it himself (did you not tell your therapist about your fathers apparent obsessive "cleaning" of the attic and how he was always up there of an evening?).
As regards the island lair, you could do me a bit of a favour. Willy wonka has a caribbean island factory, which you could take over no bother if I gave you a few of my nastier elves. You'd get to keep the island and his off shore investments, but I want the oompa loompas (the work a damn sight harder than elves and what's more they've no union representation....I hear INTEL have a load of them working in leixlip).
As for the uniform, you'll have to sort that out yourself !

Santa

Thanks for the prompt reply Santa its a rarity in these days of call centres to find someone who makes an effort to have that personal touch.

That stuff about my old man when I was a child has struck a cord and I have added him to the list (again!) and scratched your name off. I must remember to turn off the Raindeer Homing Anti Aircraft Guns on Christmas Eve.

Thanks to the squad of Elfish Liberation Front assault troops you loaned me, we have taken Willies caribbean island factory. Unfortunately Mr Wonka had an unfortunate accident falling down the same stairs several times. This really pissed me off as I wanted to use his purple suit as the base of one of my uniforms and it was covered in "claret". I would also like to say that I could deliver all the oompa loompas in prestine condition but the Elves shop steward showed me the part of their terms of employment that said they could have all the rape and pillaging they could handle......it wasn't a pretty sight (the dvd will be on sale for Christmas!!!).

Anyway things to do and people to kill

Thanks again Santa you don't fancy doing some contracting work in the off season. I always have odd jobs that a fellow like yourself would be excellent at. It would be a different type of "present" delivery but hey variety is the spice of life

Santa Claus · 08-10-2004 08:21PM

littleninja, sorry my bad. Smut is pervading every where theses days and you'd be suprised the amount of people who try and slip me some innuendo in their letters

!

sanncoo, I don't do cars (bender please take note also). My little Pony grroming castle can be done. I don't have much access to 6'2" hunk but I could loand you a 2'6" elf if that's any use ?
I can get you a ryanair round europe ticket if that's any use ?

Bard, I'm S.A.N.T.A but I'll pass your request on to S.A.T.A.N

Bender, see above as regards Audi A3 (anyway they're far too overpriced).
I'll see what I can do on the neonode front and count yourself lucky that you have a girlfriend, look what happens to single guys with too much time on their hands (Gandalf & Monkeyfudge come to mind as fine examples :rolleyes:)

Monkeyfudge, I'm not giving you any more monkeys as I've been told that you spanked the last monkey I gave you (repeatedly) :eek: !

drshortass, Afriad motorbikes are in the same category as cars. I can't give out fairys anymore as the elves sodomised the last remaining few here in the north pole so all I have is fairy dust. As for Ann Summers, I'd be afraid of the repercussions if I got the elves to start making their merchandise :eek: , so that's a NO.

Gandalf, calm down.....it was all a dream....You must have fallen asleep in the shower (Although I'd be suprised you found time considering what you normally get up to in the shower :rolleyes: ) !
The deal is you can have the elves in January as they're quite busy right now. I suggest you put a tad more research into your plan, and I HAVE to get those oompa loompa's alive otherwise I'll be considering re-locating to the caribbean :mad: !

sanncoo · 08-10-2004 08:39PM

Dear Santa

thank you for taking the time to reply to my letter! It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling inside....

Re the 2' 6'' elf vs the 6' 2'' Hunk, can I have stilts too????? or perhaps rather large platform shoes in elf size???

I'll take the Ryanair round europe trip but can the elf come with me?

Yours in Christmas cheer

S

Santa Claus · 08-10-2004 08:48PM

No probs with the stilts sanncoo

sanncoo wrote:

Dear Santa
I'll take the Ryanair round europe trip but can the elf come with me?
S

I reckon he'd be classified as hand luggage so once you store him in the overhead compartment it's be grand !

sanncoo · 08-10-2004 08:57PM

At 2' 6'' I may be able to carry him on my lap for 10.00???? I could try and pass him off as being under 2.....

Oh, the facial hair may be a giveaway......overhead bin it is then!

Don't think I'll be storing the 'duty free' with him though.. the stories I've heard!!

Sarky · 09-10-2004 01:23AM

Dear Santana,

For Ecksmas I would like the blood of a young child, preferably under 10, and ideally from Finglas.

sceptre · 09-10-2004 02:00AM

I'm just popping me head around the door to say that most of this is hilarious. Extra beer for Santa this year.

Bard · 09-10-2004 04:43AM

Dear Santa Rita,

Your wine is not as good as other Chilean brands. Please improve it.

Thanks,

Santa Claus · 09-10-2004 07:07PM

Bard,
Ok so Mrs Claus (Rita) makes a little bit of home brew on the side. I'll pass on your request to put more anti-freeze into the mix.
Anyway whats a young lad like you doing drinking Wine...don't you know wine is for ladies ?
If word got out around Ardee about this you could lose what little street cred you have left!
Having said that I got your PM about the My little Pony grooming centre for your "niece" :rolleyes: and have the elves working on it

Sceptre,
Considering that you left me no beer last year, please define how much "extra" will be !?!

Sarky,
The bllod of a small child from finglas you say......When will you people learn to spell....All requests re human sacrafices, evil powers (I'm looking at you ven0m), etc should be addressed to S.A.T.A.N
I have absolutely no affiliation with him !

Sanncoo,
If you want I can send you a clean shaven elf but I wouldn't advise putting them on your lap in a public place.....They're highly sexed little blighters (as the reindeer will attest to!)

Santa

Barry Aldwell · 09-10-2004 07:20PM

Dear Santa
For christmas I (and the rest of my Battery) would like:
16 of these:
http://www.baesystems.com/gallery/land/images/105mmlightgun_hires.jpg

32 of these to carry the guns, gun crews and ammo:
http://www.eyeinthesky.com.au/individual_ac/blackhawk.jpg

5000 rounds of standard NATO 105mm ammunition

Enough men to crew all of this equipment

Oh, and something for us to shoot at. Preferably something other than hillsides. They get boring after a while.

Thanks

Saint Nicolaus · 09-10-2004 07:52PM

Santa Claus wrote:

lies!! all lies!!

i wouldnt trust this man! hes an imposter!!

i will try to get all of your presents, but sometimes the answer is no. besides, where else am i going to dispose of 2billion lumps of coal??

your pal up north,
Jolly Old Saint Nick.

Gordon · 09-10-2004 08:13PM

Dearest Santy,

Next time please make sure not to wake me up when putting my stocking on my bed when you were with my mummy. In fact it is ok, I don't want a stocking thank you, just please stay away from my mummy or my daddy will get angry.

Gordie #82,755

Sarky · 09-10-2004 08:17PM

Santa Claus · 09-10-2004 08:34PM

Barry Aldwell wrote:

Dear Santa
For christmas I (and the rest of my Battery) would like:
16 of these:
http://www.baesystems.com/gallery/land/images/105mmlightgun_hires.jpg

32 of these to carry the guns, gun crews and ammo:
http://www.eyeinthesky.com.au/individual_ac/blackhawk.jpg

5000 rounds of standard NATO 105mm ammunition

Enough men to crew all of this equipment

Oh, and something for us to shoot at. Preferably something other than hillsides. They get boring after a while.

Thanks

Barry,
Please address the requests of yourself and your fellow members of the Free Clothes Association (FCA) to the Minister for Defence in Ireland.
Santa doesn't do weapons (apart from toy weapons....but then again I hear that's all the FCA have)!

Gordie #82,755,
As stated before I'm faithful to Mrs Cluas. That was your FATHER dressed up as me (trying to take the credit for the presents I left you no doubt).
Also, I foresaw all this hassle Michael Jackson has been getting into years ago and I have a strict policy of not going into children's bedrooms. All presents are left under the tree !

Sarky,
See the guy in the black......That's me. See the guy in the red suit....that's the last guy who tried to be a smart arse and pretend to be me (Saint Nicolaus take note :mad: )

Saint Nicolaus, I wish I had 2 billion lumps of coal but what with the North pole coal Mines nearly empty I barely have enough coal to shove up reindeer's bottoms to keep Beruthiel in diamonds for the next few years.
Please stop impersonating me (and learn to SPELL Nicholas) or I will send some of my nastier elves to sort you out !

Santa

Sarky · 09-10-2004 08:49PM

So why did you feel the need to kill your reindeer as well?

Havelock · 09-10-2004 09:44PM

Dear Santa

I would like for Christmas,

A) Keira Knighley

My own secluded Private Tropical Island (with underground lair)

C) Osprey and Comanche Helicopters

D) Thermonuclear ICBMs

E) An Army of Geneticallty Modified Super Soldiers to do my bidding (visa via- enabling my domination .... I mean liberation.... of the Earth)

F) and some good Dark Chocolate (no less than 80% coco mass)
God help you if you get me milk chocolate

Thanks Santa

Havelock · 09-10-2004 09:45PM

Sarky wrote:

So why did you feel the need to kill your reindeer as well?

They were Terrorist Reindeer, they had access to WMD's and we found a copy of the Koran on one, and another had an Iraqi passport. So hush!

Santa Claus · 10-10-2004 01:20AM

Sarky wrote:

So why did you feel the need to kill your reindeer as well?

They weren't my reindeer sarky....they were the impostor's reindeer !

Havelock, Couldn't you an gandalf take over willy wonka's caribbean lair and then share the spoils ?? (and you could make your own dark chocolate with 95% cocoa)
Afraid nothing I can do on Kiera Knightley!

Santa

Havelock · 10-10-2004 01:46AM

Notice how Santa didn't say no to the ICBM's. I'll take it as a verbal contract that I'm getting them and the Super Army on the twenty fifth.

Barry Aldwell · 10-10-2004 02:15AM

Havelock wrote:

Notice how Santa didn't say no to the ICBM's. I'll take it as a verbal contract that I'm getting them and the Super Army on the twenty fifth.

So he gets weapons of mass destruction, and I don't get my weapons of smaller-but-still-quite-large-levels of destruction?

*calls up the equality tribunal*

Havelock · 10-10-2004 02:35AM

See I'm an evil genius an ergo entitled to my wish list, while you are a potential uni-bomber.

See its all about scope and size (Generaly x8 on a .303), if you kill one person it is murder, you need a thousand or more to make it legal, or what we call a war.

Love the "smaller-but-still-quiet-large-levels" , is that Ordinance or below?

tba · 10-10-2004 11:22AM

Havelock wrote:

Stay away shes mine

Anyways Santa me aul mate hows the lice infection?

but enough of the niceities, I have but one wish. Please can get your team of crack elf commandos to pistol whip every person in Eircom until they put broadband in my area.

Thanks in advance, your accountant

tba.

Santa Claus · 11-10-2004 01:44AM

tba.....sort out Eircom.....I can't do MIRACLES !
The lice infection is still going through the elves like a dose of salts.....I'll thank you not to be passing on these things you caught in Ibiza to my elves again if you don't mind !

Barry, I will not help equip the irish army...then I'd be seen to be taking sides ! Whereas, arming people like Havelock & Gandalf (on the express condition that they overthrow willy wonka and I get the oompa loompa's) is OK

As regards Kiera, strictly I shouldn't be telling you this (client confidentiality and all that) lads but I've had a letter from young Ms twice Knightley asking for breast implants for christmas :eek: .
I don't think it's a good idea myself, but perhaps I should put it to a POLL ???

Santa

Dear Santa

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