the rules of socialising.uhh

ur mentor · 24-08-2004 09:40PM

so social etiquette thread so far
we are afraid to share a seat on a bus in case person smells
afraid to use toilet beside an occupied one
afraid to talk to strangers even those we recognise and have seen many times before
afraid of people staring at us especially if they are senior female citizens,
afraid to talk to shop assistants or customers
afraid to kiss relatives on cheek
afraid to leave a group before 'time'
I thought the sum of social behaviour was a reflection of the culture in which we live. Are we all afraid now?
Traditionally we were regarded as chatty friendly. Other nationswere regarded as very close intimate with lots of hand holding (eg French/Italian). Some others are known to be stand offish (Germany/Japan). Some very interesting social studies on this. Scientists have actually measured distances people stand apart from each other in different conversation modes.
Looks like they will have to review the Irish scenario as we appear to be moving from traditional state.

Selik · 24-08-2004 10:23PM

Raz wrote:

There are some things more important .... Keep your eyes on the frikin road!
If I ever get knocked down in the city center I'll be asking the driver if he's Giles on boards. If it's you then you can tell your friends that you got your ass kicked by a guy you crippled with your car!

Keep your hat on dude, there was a tiny element of tongue-in-cheek in that statement.

Flukey · 24-08-2004 10:48PM

elivsvonchiaing wrote:

Still no idea who was in the other cubicle

Maybe it was the person who phoned you!

elivsvonchiaing · 24-08-2004 10:55PM

Flukey wrote:

Maybe it was the person who phoned you!

Hehe.

It was my sister actually. So this guy knows I'm talking to my sister in all my glory with cacks down by my ankles and pretending I'm just sitting at my desk

Hence the embarassment

Gordon · 24-08-2004 10:56PM

Why did you pick up the phone you nutcase?!

elivsvonchiaing · 24-08-2004 11:28PM

Gordon wrote:

Why did you pick up the phone you nutcase?!

'Coz if I didn't chances were I'd lose out on a good deal. Someone my sister works with was selling a DSL wireless router with firewall for 60 quid. The embarassment was worth it in the end - er - hopefully this remains true after the Xmas party

Besides, I already felt embarrased: I presumed they recognized the ringtone and knew who I was - so I thought wtf? It's only thinking more about that I'm still embarassed.

chewy · 24-08-2004 11:47PM

i used to avoid talking to strangers at all costs and over the years i realised that wasn't the best way to be, it was rude and closed, and now will respond to people and even occasionally engage people when out and about...

people you know but havn't seen for years? thats antoher toubling one

there was a girl in college who used to be in primary school with me and in first year in college i would occasionally see her about but never directly acknowledge her, cos basically i hadn't known her for about ten years...
then she joined my climbing club and became friends with my friends so therefore i had a reason to talk to her but it was very awkard at first...

Flukey · 25-08-2004 12:12AM

Elivsvonchiaing, maybe the guy in the other cublicle was deaf. If when you were leaving you heard a thud from inside his cubicle, that probably meant his sense of smell was perfect!

If you have a pretext to talk to strangers, it is easier. Coming up to someone and just starting to chat to them, is not as easy. If you see someone with a map looking around them, it's easy to stop and help them, but if they were just standing there, you would find it a lot harder to talk to them. People get suspicious of your motives, unless you have a very clear reason for talking them.

elivsvonchiaing · 25-08-2004 12:48AM

Flukey wrote:

Elivsvonchiaing, maybe the guy in the other cublicle was deaf. If when you were leaving you heard a thud from inside his cubicle, that probably meant his sense of smell was perfect!

Come to think of it there was a thud - and there was me dreading the Xmas party

Flukey wrote:

If you have a pretext to talk to strangers, it is easier. Coming up to someone and just starting to chat to them, is not as easy. If you see someone with a map looking around them, it's easy to stop and help them, but if they were just standing there, you would find it a lot harder to talk to them. People get suspicious of your motives, unless you have a very clear reason for talking themWould have to agree with this.

Who knows how the human mind works - but your comment re-triggered a memory I had forgotten. I was drinking with a mate of mine and his gf in some village I'd never heard of before in Kent some years back. Only she had been there before doubt if he's been back since or remembers its name. We were out in the beer-garden and heard a fracas going on inside. She being nosy as women are (ok men too - but she was the nosy type) went in to the loo purely to investigate.

About 10 mins elapsed. We heard a guy kerb-crawling over the hedge on the road outside: <Paedophile voice>"Hello little girl! Would you like to get in my car? If you do I'll give you an orgasm!" We looked over the hedge after they passed. She got in and they drove away. The gf IDed them. She was fifty and he sixty at least

Just thought I'd just add that

Basically with people we know we can try anything on. But I still think there are chicken sexers out there who know what to say to a stranger to chat em up or sell them something they don't want. Part of me wishes I was one of them - but I'm not sure.

E.g. Was in Amsterdam on my own (just between hotels)- and I see a pusher approach a bunch of tourists speaking French to them. They gave him the two fingers and then I approach - he immediately starts his spiel in English. He probably knew I wasn't English and came from North Dublin in fact. Spooky or what.

Flukey · 25-08-2004 12:56AM

You just have to be on your guard with people like that, which basically brings us back to square one on not talking to strangers. I was in PAris once and we happened to be staying near the red-light district of the city and where there were also a lot of peep shows. (You'll often see that lovely photo of the Moulin Rouge, well it is surrounded by peep shows and other such establishments.) Anyway, while walking around the area there would be guys almost dragging you to go in to one of their shows and being very insistent and push. You basically had to turn around and very firmly tell them Non! Of course some people would use more colourful language to do so, than I would and of course some of you might say Oui!

blobert · 25-08-2004 01:02AM

It seems a real shame that the only people that talk to strangers at bus stops etc. tend to be slightly mad. People tend to move to cities in order to be around lots of people yet I've found the bigger a city you go to the more lonely and isolated it seems.

I may be a little off the point:)

Flukey · 25-08-2004 01:09AM

To get that sense of community you need somewhere where most people know each other or where people are drawn together for a common cause. There are a lot of people out there. As much as you will see the same people in more or less the same locations at more or less the same time each day, everyday you will also see people that you have never seen before and never will again, yet they are there everyday too, going on with their lives. There are an awful lot of us out there!

elivsvonchiaing · 25-08-2004 01:13AM

blobert wrote:

It seems a real shame that the only people that talk to strangers at bus stops etc. tend to be slightly mad. People tend to move to cities in order to be around lots of people yet I've found the bigger a city you go to the more lonely and isolated it seems.

I may be a little off the point:)

No I don't agree (that you're off point). I lived in very small countries and London - and would have to agree with this. The only disadvantage is that if its small everyone knows your business which can quickly drive you nuts. To the best of my knowledge Bermuda has one (General) Hospital and two mental hospitals. Dunno if this is true still.

Flukey · 25-08-2004 01:19AM

Its a matter of finding a balance. Anonymity is nice sometimes. Sometimes it is good that you only "that guy that is on the bus every morning" and they don't know who exactly you are. Other times you would be overhearing an interesting conversation, but wouldn't want to butt in, because you don't know the people.

Flukey · 25-08-2004 01:33AM

Another one on the etiquette is how we react to other peopel doing something we do ourselves and how when we do it we are cautious about being seen. Classic is scratching your arse in public. If you see anyone else doing it you react in a particular way, usually with some disdain. You might even tell someone about it. "I saw this guy on the train this morning and there he was scratching his arse!" Of course the next time you might be the one doing it and then suddenly you are trying to do it subtlely so no one sees what you are actually doing and you look upon it in a completely different way. Then when someone else does it again you are back to your disdain, thinking how terrible it is and that you would of course never do such a thing in public!

elivsvonchiaing · 25-08-2004 02:14AM

Flukey wrote:

Another one on the etiquette is how we react to other peopel doing something we do ourselves and how when we do it we are cautious about being seen. Classic is scratching your arse in public. If you see anyone else doing it you react in a particular way, usually with some disdain. You might even tell someone about it. "I saw this guy on the train this morning and there he was scratching his arse!" Of course the next time you might be the one doing it and then suddenly you are trying to do it subtlely so no one sees what you are actually doing and you look upon it in a completely different way. Then when someone else does it again you are back to your disdain, thinking how terrible it is and that you would of course never do such a thing in public!

This is slightly off-post- but does belong here I think. It's an amazing fact men feel the need to piss in a straight line. Bisect the urinal/toilet bowl with an arc of piss. I have found sites supporting me/lambasting me. Just wonder what folk will find here.

{Edited ??? wtfwit??}

Chucky the tree · 25-08-2004 02:15AM

Flukey wrote:

Another one on the etiquette is how we react to other peopel doing something we do ourselves and how when we do it we are cautious about being seen. Classic is scratching your arse in public. If you see anyone else doing it you react in a particular way, usually with some disdain. You might even tell someone about it. "I saw this guy on the train this morning and there he was scratching his arse!" Of course the next time you might be the one doing it and then suddenly you are trying to do it subtlely so no one sees what you are actually doing and you look upon it in a completely different way. Then when someone else does it again you are back to your disdain, thinking how terrible it is and that you would of course never do such a thing in public!

the worst is when your standing waiting for someone, and they are taking a while.

so your standing there and your mind starts to wonder, and you dont notice the people around you. then you snap out of it and realise people are starring at you while your rearranging the ol' meat and 2 veg.

i am sure picking the nose is another one, we all do it, yet are shocked when we see other people do it

munkeehaven · 25-08-2004 02:54AM

i sometimes cant eat in front of people i am not very familiar with. :rolleyes:

chewy · 25-08-2004 03:05AM

i don't like that either and i don't like watching people eat either

munkeehaven · 25-08-2004 03:09AM

yeah, watching people eat sometimes makes me feel a bit sick.esp when they are stuffing their faces.and you can tell the people who are just going to throw it up afterwards, they sort of eat in a desperate sort of way.

ChipZilla · 25-08-2004 03:12AM

naughty_girl wrote:

whats annoying is people thinking you are their personal shopper, and they come up to your till or the help desk and are like "oh do you have this. will ya get it for me, now. where is it, im still waiting, whats the problem"

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh customers are EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL :mad:

o and giving you the exact change especially when theres a queue, and they have tons of 2+5 cents. just throw it away noone wants your crap, especially when its busy, its annoying, cause one has the change right by the time they count out their crap. its especially annoying when you have entered the amount they gave you, are counting the change and then they say "o i have the exact 97cent," and proceed to insist on giving it to you in one cent coins.

i hate people who do that. and whats more you cant say "no its/im too busy for exact change," cause they shock out and its not fair. people treat workers like crap.

EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL

GROWL

Dumbass, what are you doing in a customer service job if you can't handle the everyday sh1t that customers do?

If you did have the neck to tell me "im too busy for exact change" you'd be getting the change thrown in your face.

GROWL

Jamesobrady · 25-08-2004 03:36AM

Hey all,
i think this ranks as the most interesting thing i've read all month!
Social do's and don'ts......for what comes to mind.....

Its easier to be ignored by a stranger then be the person ignoring.

You have to look down when using a urinal...not straight ahead or you're a showoff....and you can't make conversation with anyone when waiting for the hand dryer.... and if you're drying your hands and conversation is started by the person waiting you have to just smile oddly..nod...and make a kind of hmmmmph noise.

Nobody argues the fact that they were in the que at the bar long before the girl who has just been served, but will cause hell if the round increases in price by 20 unexplained cents.

I prefer to stand on a dublin bus if there's only one or two seat lefts and i can lean on a rail....saves the whole awkward situation where an older/pregnant person gets on and stands near you. If your standing you cant be embarassed by offering your seat and being turned down.

People in ireland are terrified of sitting beside Africans. Why? Every african guy/gal i have met on public transport has been outgoing and friendly, smiled when i sat down,made a small-talk comment about something and asked me if i wanted a conversation.

Things that annoy me most about people:
The long inhale followed by the drawn out half-whistled sigh.
People who constantly clear their throats with a hawking noise.
People who clear their noses witha series of inhale/exhale nasal explosions.
The usher in teh cinema who says..."thats row 7g"....and nothing else...(.im still lost thanks pal.)
The ushers pal at the sweet counter who does the long drawn out sigh and looks straight at you while your coke fills up.
With driving being in itself a social interaction....why can't people learn how to indicate their intentions?

Things Irish people do that nobody else i've met does....

The glance + nod as you pass each other on a street.
Minding a complete strangers pint if they have to make two trips.
Accepting 20euro as payment for petrol costing 20.04
Sharing taxi's
Start every phone conversation with "hello,how you doing?"
Ends every phone conversation with a good-luck or a see-ya-later.....regardless of it being intended or not!
Stop walking if a funeral passes by.

Jamesobrady · 25-08-2004 03:50AM

Just read the "eating" posts...dunno how i missed them....
For me the first time i meet someone for lunch or dinner is just hell on earth...especially if its a date....i sweat and can't relax, my hands shake, i drop my fork with food on it, my noses runs, lol......and im a picky eater so im totally screwed if i order something and there's mayonaisse on it cos scraping it off just ain't the solution.... and then im nervous that i'll look like a wierdo cos i don't want mayonaisse on something. Worst one was eating in an Italian restaurant with Italians....they all eating spaghetti like a knitting related artform and me not knowing how to do anything other then chop it up and eat. Talk about feeling like a caveman.

Worst eating related thing though is if you're in the cinema and the person near you is chewing gum loudly.....its really annoying but you can't really ask him to chew more quietly can you? :mad:

Raz · 25-08-2004 08:38AM

Jamesobrady wrote:

im a picky eater so im totally screwed if i order something and there's mayonaisse on it cos scraping it off just ain't the solution.... and then im nervous that i'll look like a wierdo cos i don't want mayonaisse on something. Worst one was eating in an Italian restaurant with Italians....they all eating spaghetti like a knitting related artform and me not knowing how to do anything other then chop it up and eat.

Eating is one thing I've never had a discomfort with. It's one of those things that everybody has to do so just get on with it. I've also gotten a lot better in teh last few years, holding knife & fork properly (don't scoop with the fork!), eating spaghetti properly (Twist the spaghetti onto your fork using the spoon held at the prongs of the fork) and using chopsticks (One is held stationary against your thumb by your ring & little finger the other moves around with your index & middle finger).

I was a picky eater myself but I'm growing out of it. The chefs make these dishes because they taste good all together. Don't eat each piece of food individually, eat some carrots, peas, potatoes, broccolli and ham topped off with some of the sauce in one bite. It's lovely how the flavours blend.
I was eating a bowl of fruit the other day (a new developement for me) and I was eating some mango. I didn't particularly like it on it's own but when I ate it with some passion frutt it was lovely.

Jamesobrady wrote:

Worst eating related thing though is if you're in the cinema and the person near you is chewing gum loudly.....its really annoying but you can't really ask him to chew more quietly can you? :mad:

Sure you can ..."Would you mind keeping your mouth closed while you chew?" They'll feel like they've just been reprimaned by their dad in public. They'll be hella embarrassed. Carefull it's not some scumbag who'll react badly though
:rolleyes:

I remember a particular situation in the UGC cinema (before it got it's swanky overhaul) and there was some little scumbag up the back who was throwing skittles or something small and hard like that. He hit myself and my gf a couple of times so I was going to get up and say something. My gf stopped me but a few minutes later a guy in front of me got up and went to them threatening that he'd get them kicked out. The throwing of skittles promptly stopped.

climaxer · 25-08-2004 10:07AM

Re the eating in public - it doesn't bother me at all - used to when I was younger but I think you just don't really care when you get older. That makes me sound really old - I'm 28 which is probably really old to some people here but one of the best things about getting older is you become a lot more comfortable in your own skin probably because its nice and stretched and there's more room!!

Sighing - I hate people who sigh especially when they are serving you in a shop.

Also taxi men who don't talk and stink and just grunt when you tell them where you're stop is.

One other thing that still leaves me baffled is you know when you are walking on a narrow path and someone is walking towards you and you know one of you is going to have to move. Are you the one who moves? I'd always move for an elderly person or person rolling a pram and guys would always move for me but when its two girls it can be funny to just keep walking so the other girl has to move for you!

AdMMM · 25-08-2004 10:36AM

alleepally wrote:

What about the public toilet urinal etiquette. Always keep at least one urinal's distance away, preferably two and ideally and opposite ends of the row of urinals.

I actually find it uncomfortable when someone comes in and starts urinating beside me.. but then starts to chat to me. It has to the most inappropriate place to start a conversation!

climaxer wrote:

One other thing that still leaves me baffled is you know when you are walking on a narrow path and someone is walking towards you and you know one of you is going to have to move. Are you the one who moves? I'd always move for an elderly person.... ....but when its two girls it can be funny to just keep walking so the other girl has to move for you!

In effect, you are bullying them off the pavement... Surely this pavement rage cant go on!

atlas · 25-08-2004 11:03AM

Why is it when the cinema is nearly empty and you have your feet on the seat in front that someone comes in and sits in front of you? Does that go against the personal space thing? On the subject of cinemas - could people who are sitting at the end of the row go around to get to the seats instead of making everyone else in the row get up after the film has started?

climaxer · 25-08-2004 11:05AM

Murderer - you better watch out seeing that you're a Déise man - we might cross paths some day!

AdMMM · 25-08-2004 11:09AM

and if we do, I won't budge for anyone... except elderly people and such!

koneko · 25-08-2004 11:12AM

|.Murderer.| wrote:

I actually find it uncomfortable when someone comes in and starts urinating beside me.. but then starts to chat to me. It has to the most inappropriate place to start a conversation!

Ugh, personal socialising faux-pas pet peeve. I hate when I bump into someone I know in the loo (especially in work). Talk to me when I'm walking in or washing my hands, but not when I'm on the toilet. It really bothers me when I'm doing my business in my cubicle and someone i know is still talking to me from their own cubicle.

the rules of socialising.uhh

Comments