Advertisement
Help Keep Boards Alive. Support us by going ad free today. See here: https://subscriptions.boards.ie/.
https://www.boards.ie/group/1878-subscribers-forum

Private Group for paid up members of Boards.ie. Join the club.
Hi all, please see this major site announcement: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058427594/boards-ie-2026

One-Liner Jokes

1…202203204205206208»

Comments

  • #6212
    Orange-Coca-Cola
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 130 ✭✭Orange-Coca-Cola


    I won first prize for a competition on the radio, a choice of €250 cash or two tickets VIP to see an Elvis Presley tribute act in town. I have to text my reply 1 for the money. 2 for the show.



  • #6213
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,127 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats.

    Prophets are going through the roof



  • #6214
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,544 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Last night was the British Haemorrhoid Sufferers’ annual reunion stand-up buffet.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #6215
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,127 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just popping out to post some classical music in a padded envelope to a friend.

    Bach in a Jiffy.



  • #6216
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,544 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I'm thinking of opening a Spanish-Irish fusion restaurant called Tapas the Morning to You.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • Advertisement
  • #6217
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,787 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Bought myself an expensive first aid kit today.
    Thought I’d treat myself.



  • #6218
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 98,142 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124330963#Comment_124330963

    My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment. — Emo Philips



  • #6219
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 98,142 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails and now she thinks I slammed the car door on purpose. - Emo Philips



  • #6220
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,127 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Went to the sperm clinic earlier.

    The lady asked if I’d like to masterbate in the cup.

    I said ‘I’m good but I’m not ready to compete in a tournament yet’



  • #6221
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,544 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I can finally get rid of my case of two hundred 1980's computers I've had on eBay for six months, now that a bloke in Mexico has just bought them.

    Adios, Amigas.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • Advertisement
  • #6222
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,544 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I’ve been stuck in Rome for the past 3 weeks.


    All their roads have this weird design flaw…

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #6223
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,544 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Crystal Ball for sale £50, although you will haggle me down to £35..

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #6224
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,127 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I have been teaching my dog to fetch my tools from the workshop.

    He's not perfect,but knows the drill.



  • #6225
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,544 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Officer:

    Sir, isn’t this is your 4th run in with the law?

    Tiger Woods:

    Yeah, but put me down for a 3

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #6226
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,544 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    The Phil Collins show is filmed live before a sussudio audience.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #6227
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,127 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The wife said the cat had to be chipped, I only had a 9 iron but still manged to get it over the garage.



  • #6228
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,127 ✭✭✭xlogo


    This morning I tripped over a box of Kleenex and thought I injured myself.

    Turns out it was just tissue damage



Advertisement
Advertisement