What have you watched recently? 3D!

'Underwater'

‘Underwater’ is a 2020 movie that basically takes its cues from ‘Alien’ and ‘The Abyss’, which are both vastly superior, and starring the usually lifeless Kristen Stewart as Norah Price, a mechanical engineer on a deep sea drilling facility called Kepler 822 in the Mariana Trench. When the facility is struck by an underwater earthquake Price and a small group of other survivors are thrust into a life and death situation in which they must try and reach the surface somehow and also avoid life forms that have been released by the earthquake.

As mildly an intriguing a premise like that might sound, William Eubank’s derivative movie results in just being rather dull for far too much of its screen time. The cast are ok in their roles, with the exception of T.J. Miller who’s simply insufferable. But they’re never anything more than adequate for a film of this type. None of the cast members are bad, as it were, it’s just that their characters are deeply uninteresting. For instance, Vincent Cassel, as Captain Lucien, is the type of trope filled leader figure who constantly says to all the other characters that everything’s going to be alright and that they’re all going to live.

Yeah, sure pal.

‘Underwater’ is also quite confusing too. You never really know where the characters are because the geography of the movie is impossible to spell out and it’s incredibly murky, as one would expect from a movie set deep under the ocean. But while that may help with atmosphere in some better made films, it just adds to a sense of frustration in this one.

The audio cues, too, quickly become very annoying. Every attack or movement in the gloomy water is accompanied with a musical sting or a “roar” from some sea beasty and it all becomes incredibly laborious.
‘Underwater’ is one of those pictures that sounds like it might be a good idea at the time, but for most of its 95 minutes it just treads water and ends up being unsatisfactory when it’s all done and wrapped up.

3/10

‘Burial Ground Nights of Terror’

No plot, no story, no rhyme or reason, the awkwardly titled ‘Burial Ground Nights of Terror’ (it takes place over the course of a single night) is an Italian zombie gore fest from 1981 that sets its carnage in a large mansion located near a, yep you guessed it, burial ground in which a “professor” somehow unleashes a horde of flesh eating Etruscan zombies that cause havoc among a group of people that were invited to his home for a holiday of some sort.

Gut munching ensues.

Shot over a period of four weeks at the Villa Parisi in Frascati, Andrea Bianchi’s incredibly inept movie is often a riot because of its bad acting and complete lack of sense. The English dubbing, too, is frequently a source of amusement as characters keep uttering their inane lines as they stand obligingly still while the slow zombies shamble toward them.

The zombie makeup, which was done by Giannetto De Rossi, looks laughably bad in places despite the fact that De Rossi was a special effects artist of note. However, that may have been down to budgetary constraints more than anything else. But most of the zombies are just guys in masks complete with oversize teeth that are orthodontic nightmares. The actors playing the part of the living dead are troopers, though, as a number of them were required to have maggots and worms lodged into the eye sockets of the masks they were wearing to give the zombies a little more umph. The gut munching looks the part even though it’s the pig guts pulled from under the jumper type of effect.

‘Burial Ground Nights of Terror’ abandons all sense after a pretty dull opening section and just contents itself showing repeated zombie attacks as the dead assault the Italian chateau. The living dead in Bianchi’s movie are smart enough to raid a barn and make use of some farm tools like a scythe and a hoe. One of them is also quite handy with what looks like a tent peg as he uses it to impale an unfortunate victim’s had to a window shutter, where upon his zombie pals decapitate her with the scythe.

The attacks are relentless, but are terribly staged, and all the while the entrapped guests could just simply run away because the living dead are so slow. But the dead keep coming eliminating the living one by one until the movie’s preposterous finale.

But ‘Burial Ground Nights of Terror’ also contains one of the weirdest ideas I’ve ever seen in any movie, exploitation trash or otherwise. Two of the guests who have been invited to stay at the Italian mansion are a mother, Evelyn (Maria Angela Giordano) and her teenage son Michael (Peter Bark). Peter Bark (whose real name is Pietro Barzocchini) is clearly a midget and was, in fact in his mid 20’s when the movie was made. At one point his character Michael becomes sexually attracted to his mum and makes advances on her claiming that he’s missed her breasts! And, as if that wasn’t crazy enough, it’s probably giving nothing away in saying that later in the movie his mum actually tries to breast feed him after he’s become a zombie!

It’s a truly astonishing scene in whole series of bizarre sequences that have been strung together to try and form a movie of some description and it has to be seen to be believed.

But apart from that hideous vista there’s little in ‘Burial Ground Nights of Terror’ that can be considered remarkable. Even more so if one has been previously exposed to the dubious wonders of the Italian cannibal/zombie cycle of trashy movies. In fact there’s one scene that’s a blatant rip off of Lucio Fulci’s ‘Zombie Flesh Eaters’ which was itself a rip off. It’s awfully plodding, despite wasting no time with any kind of plot, and the endless dubbed screaming, especially from the female characters, becomes absolutely fatiguing resulting in something that’s only worth watching if you want to see an example of the aforementioned genre or the type of bizarro 42nd Street grindhouse nonsense that just doesn’t get made any more.

1/10

Few quick ones I've watched recently:

In Bruges, 2008

Not a first viewing but definitely the first time in a good while. It’s great, 3 brilliant performances, fantastic script, a true black comedy. A perfect movie if not for, what in my opinion is, some really unfunny bad “shock” humour, mostly in the first half. The final act is so good, as soon as Ralph Fiennes shows up in Bruges it's non-stop thrill until the end.

4.5/5

Wall Street, 1987

Really good, it’s like The Wolf of Wall Street if the main character developed a conscience 😆

Something I’ve always enjoyed in Oliver Stone’s work is that he’s someone who is very clearly mad about the state of America and makes it a topic in all his movies, there’s just something enjoyable about a movie where you can feel the director’s ire burning through, the subtext is just text.

I’d heard the name Gordon Gekko before but never knew what it was from, Michael Douglas absolutely earns his Best Actor Oscar here. I also think Charlie and Martin Sheen do great and it’s fun to see them as Father/Son. A perfect time capsule of 1980s wealth and excess.

4/5

Cocktail, 1988

I like Tom Cruise, I think he’s charming, I think he can carry a movie all on his own….but Cocktail is just not good.

There’s clearly something of substance buried in the movie, about fame, ambition, selling your soul, etc. but that all gets steamrolled by a really dull generic romance story and a bizarre detour to Jamaica for 20 minutes where we get the incredibly inspired soundtrack choices of both Kokomo AND Don’t Worry Be Happy (okay they both released in 1988 too so maybe it wasn't cliche yet, but in retrospect it's funny)

I had some fun watching the bottle throwing sequences back when I still thought the movie was going somewhere, and there's very smooth moment where Tom Cruise throws a lit match across the bar, that's about all the good I can say.

2/5

The Hudsucker Proxy, 1994

Continuing my Coen Brothers adventure with this one and I’m still yet to be disappointed.

This movie had me crying with laughter, it’s been a week and I’m still repeating lines and scenes in my head non-stop (the double stitch pants, “you know, for kids”, “not counting the mezzanine”, everything from Buzz the elevator attendant, every face made by Tim Robbins, etc etc etc). It felt like I was watching live action Simpsons.

I was having a really good time with the movie, and then Jennifer Jason Leigh showed up and started speaking and I was enthralled, her tone, her mannerisms, her body language, her hand gestures, everything about her, she’s the best part of the movie.

Very different to the other works of theirs I’ve seen, not least because it’s a PG outing, but just as good and just as recognisably Coen Brothers. Also noticed Sam Raimi in the credits which was no surprise considering this movie has some classic Raimi horror zooms and screams. Feels like a movie I’m going to watch every new year.

4.5/5

'Jaws 3'

After the relative success of ‘Jaws 2’, there was always going to be another sequel in the works to keep riding that gravy train that the original ‘Jaws’ kicked off in 1975. But the question was how to go about it. The first sequel had already done the “it’s happening again” angle, much to the chagrin of Roy Scheider who absolutely loathed the idea and only did the movie under extreme protest because he was contracted to Universal for a three picture deal. Incidentally the film makers approached Scheider to appear in the third movie, but he’d signed onto ‘Blue Thunder’ to make sure that he wasn’t available. In any case, something new would have to be conjured up if a second sequel was to have any credibility.

As far back as 1979, a year after ‘Jaws 2’ hit the cinemas and four years before ‘Jaws 3’ (or ‘Jaws 3-D’) would be released, the producers of the first two films, Richard Zanuck and David Brown, had mooted the notion of making the third film a spoof titled ‘Jaws 3 People 0’ after National Lampoon’s Matty Simmons suggested the idea. This was to be directed by Joe Dante who’d made ‘Piranha’ for Roger Corman, which was largely spoofing ‘Jaws’ in the first place.

Thankfully that pursuit was shut down pretty early on because Steven Spielberg said he’d never work for Universal ever again if such a “silly idea” ever went ahead…and he was serious.

So everybody was back at the drawing board looking for another idea and eventually the genuinely interesting concept of a shark attacking visitors at Florida’s SeaWorld was developed. There were numerous writers drafted in to try and magic up some sort of script to tie onto the basic setting which remarkably included Richard Matheson, author of the classic ‘I am Legend’, numerous ‘Twilight Zone’ episodes and the script writer of Spielberg’s ‘Duel’. The final story credit, however, went to Guerdon Trueblood.

Unfortunately, beyond the initial idea of a giant shark attacking a tourist attraction there’s simply no meat on the bones of the script and ‘Jaws 3’ ends up being very, very, dull for too much of its screen time.

Starring Dennis Quaid as Mike Brody (son of Police Chief Martin from the first two movies) who’s the chief engineer at SeaWorld and Bess Armstrong as Kay Morgan, his squeeze and senior biologist shows that ‘Jaws 3’ can boast some reasonably decent acting talent in the leads. They’re supported well enough by a young pre- ‘Back to the Future’ Lea Thompson, Simon McCorkindale and Louis Gossett Jr. But none of the actors are given a hell of a lot to do, it has to be said, and the story certainly didn’t stretch them by any means. Quaid has subsequently admitted to being off his face on cocaine throughout the entire shoot…and sometimes it looks that way.

However the worst aspect of the third Jaws movie was the decision to film the movie in 3-D, which was going through something of a revival in the early 80’s, and several studios were intent on having their 3-D picture, like the producers of the Friday the 13th and Amityville movies. Unlike modern 3-D movies, though, which are light years ahead of the tech that was available in 1982/83, the three dimensional effects in ‘Jaws 3’ resulted in an ugly mess that was difficult on the eyes, in a movie that was already difficult to watch because of the cheap paper stereoscopic 3-D glasses.

Right from the start the effects are marred with a colour fringing that immediately takes you out of the scene. The 3-D effects above ground appeared in a cleaner state, probably because they were filmed using ArriVision 3D technology which production switched to when it became available a couple of weeks into shooting. But “under water” they looked terrible and I suspect that is because they were shot using StereoVision, the technique the film makers were using before they got hold of the superior equipment.

But from the opening, pre-credits, scene where the shark attacks a fish and the fish’s severed heat floats toward the screen, something is clearly very off. Likewise, in the first human attack, a torn off arm looks dreadful as it protrudes out to the audience but never seems to share the same space as the background image. There’s demonstrably fake look to it all and the scenes would have been better off if they weren’t in 3-D and instead just filmed the practical effects.

Even so, the 3-D effects aren’t the only let down in the picture. The shark itself is a laughable attempt at putting a great white onto the screen and it’s funny to think that “Bruce”, the shark in the original movie, was easily the best looking of all the big rubber mechanical beasts and that with each subsequent movie they got worse and worse with the shark in ‘Jaws The Revenge’ being the worst of all.

This particular shark in ‘Jaws 3’ is also so slow…so painfully slow that it never looks like a real great white for a single second. Obviously speed was an impossible task for the special effects crew so she just lumbers around lethargically. This becomes especially egregious in the movie’s unintentionally comical ending when the big fish smashes through some glass into the control room of SeaWorld’s Undersea Kingdom in a not-so-special effect that even Ed Wood would have been too embarrassed to use.

‘Jaws 3’ could never be considered a good movie, even though it’s far from a calamity, and I feel that director Joe Alves (production designer on ‘Jaws’ and ‘Jaws 2’) tried his best to make something out of what he was given. To be fair, in a number of areas there’s a bit of fun to be had and there are people out there who’d consider the movie to be a guilty pleasure. I can’t say I’m one of them despite having seen the picture about four times now. But there are one or two nice touches here and there like the grizzly reveal of the remains of one of the shark’s victims and a horrifying (if absolutely absurd) death that’s shown from inside the fish’s mouth! I do recall, as a kid, those scenes having a very profound effect on me. But, ultimately, in between shark attacks ‘Jaws 3’ just sedately swims along like it’s languid under water antagonist and is never more than a ho-hum addition to the rapidly dwindling series which would thankfully be killed off in the next instalment.

Apparently there were 20 minutes cut from the picture before the studio released it too.

Thank God.

3/10

Just saw the original film again for the umpteenth time today. It's lost nothing. I liove it. Speilbergs masterpiece.

BTW, all films in Cineworld are 4 euro this weekend…

An absolute bargain.

Watched Sovereign wlast night and thought it was very good. Only 1h 40m long but felt longer, in a not-bad way. Quite a slow burn for the run time. Offerman and Tremblay are good in it. Dennis Quaid less so.

The very quick summary is that Offerman is one of those Sovereign citizens who believe Government laws and such don't apply to him as a person, and is radicalising his son who seems to want to be a normal high school kid.

Based on a true story which I had been unaware of. I wouldn't read about the real life events before watching as it spoils a big part of the movie.

How approachable will something like the Toxic Avenger be for someone coming to it cold?

Never watched the original but part of me very curious. Presume the new one would be more accessible but that's not always a good thing.

Caught Stealing, 2025.

90s-set crime drama/thriller from Darren Aronofsky. I don't necessarily love all of his previous movies but I think he's always interesting. This wasn't what I was expecting - the trailer and stuff I had read had me expecting something more along the zany capers route - but this was a lot more noir-ish and brutal than that, which probably makes sense given his other films. It's not without humour and there's some broad and often funny performances but it's not a comedy.

I definitely enjoyed it and it's nice to be wrongfooted by a movie sometimes….

3 sequels to Jaws even better then the first one lol. I'll let you make that judgement.