Work, visas and concern for future

19-06-2025 01:39PM #1

Hi

II'm irish and 37. My gf is 35 shortly. She moved in with me on her suggestion almost 2 years ago. She is from central America.

I worries about us. He has a job that isn't paying well and her parents depend financially on her a little as don't have alot and don't work. Mother never worked and dad stopped late 40s. But they seem to have expectations that daughters support.

My girlfriend seems to expect that I pay for house. She didn't say these words but mentioned that back home the bf usually does. When applying for jobs she doesn't seem to put her heart and soul into it and is maybe waiting on a better visa after the 2 years of living with me are up. I have found it hard to get information from her over the couple of years about what she needs pay for her family. Last year transpired she didn't save a penny.then there is the cost of travel to her home country etc etc.

I'm a bit of a mess with worry. Should I call it quits. It's hard protray all the good things too. She is kind and thoughtful but I have a worry about where we are going. We are open to/ want kids but I have a fear I will need to pay for everything and her family looming in the background for handouts not to mention visits. What if I can't work? What about retirement?

SVI40 · 19-06-2025 01:50PM

There a so many red flags here. Seems like you are supporting her and her family. Only you can decide if you happy with this, but if you are asking here, then I think you know the answer. Over time it will just get worse.
I speak from experience with a non working gf who I then married. The stress to provide for them all is huge.

19-06-2025 01:56PM

I may not have been clear but she is working but money would not be great. 35 and no pension...no easily foreseeable chance of working decent job if we start family and the family and trips to her country to boot. Cost 10k in January. She is going for sisters wedding next year. It's almost like another mortgage. When I see her father I feel anger

19-06-2025 03:37PM

You're describing a relationship that was up until about 30 years ago, not just common, but the overwhelming majority. Historically speaking, it's unusual that your partner is even working at all. Even nowadays, relationships where only one partner works are common.

Of course, just because something has been around for a long time doesn't mean it's the best way to do things. You (and your partner) have to decide what's right for you. Say you have a discussion with her and she is persuaded that she should be earning more and throws herself into work - how's that going to affect your relationship? What about when you have kids - have you seen the cost of full-time childcare?

Plenty of long-term couples still keep their finances strictly separate. Others go with a complete inter-mingling of everything. Still more go with a hybrid approach. None of these are "right", none of these are "wrong". It's a decision every couple has to make. But it's something you need to actually discuss

Esel · 20-06-2025 08:44AM

Bluntly, it looks to me like you are just a source of funding.

Dial Hard · 20-06-2025 10:15AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123561155#Comment_123561155

The one-salary family was very much the norm in Ireland for generations, but the sole earner financially supporting his wife's family as well as his own has never really been a cultural norm here. However, it very much is in other cultures, as the OP is finding out. This can also be coupled with a perception (or, is sometimes the actual case) that salaries in Ireland are much higher than those in the home country and as such, the Irish partner can easily afford to support the rest of the family. I've worked with or had friends in relationships with a number of South and Central Americans and the norm is very much work til you find someone who can support you, get a ring on it, and then become a stay-at-home partner. That can seem very transactional or even outright gold-diggy to us, but it's simply a cultural norm in many parts of the world. That doesn't make it wrong, per se - and I'm very conscious of not wanting to seem like I'm generalising or judging any culture - but it also doesn't mean the OP has to be ok with it.

OP, I think you should go with your gut on this. Financial independence on both sides of a partnership is an absolute fundamental for me. Obviously that's not always realistic or workable, especially when kids come into the equation, but being expected to also financially support your partner's family is adding a whole other layer of pressure on you. I think you're well within your rights to realise this situation is not for you, and walk away now before you get even more enmeshed.

May I ask how long you were together before she moved in with you?

20-06-2025 05:27PM

Thanks...a very insightful comment that hits home in many respects and has alot of thought gone in.

About 9 months together. It's not to say that she was saying she wanted to move in from the start or anything but I suppose living with a partner does make getting a visa easier. She is a nice girl for sure and I can't blame her for what her dad is but to your point I need to consider if it's for me. She has bought animals for a small farm...he farms them...she pays medicine and he sells and keeps money. He wants a new car. She has 4 sisters, 3 with decent jobs. I mean she doesn't say she wants me to pay but then contributes to this waste of space herself to the extent she didn't save anything last year. Same as expecting me to pay. But she is loving and has many good traits. I'm not a fool and know she sees a future with me as opposed to just using me.

She had a professional job in mexico but i can see the 1950s expdcration of a male too and I have made it clear in no uncertain terms that I won't contribute to him directly or indirectly. Every time I try to balance the good with the bad to make a decision I am left not knowing what to do. It's torture...I'm 38 almost and dread starting from scratch again. I may never find something again that works at all. I didn't to now I'm not exactly Brad pit.

She and her sisters have said they won't contribute to him but he is still only 60 and mother in same boat. Could be a long 30 years. Decisions decisions

20-06-2025 05:34PM

Fair point. But i guess she is in a position of having had her parents rely on her and feeling vulnerable. She works and we split food etc, yes on a holiday or out I can end up paying more. I know it might be a blurry line but I guess her hope is to have a job that pays her way fully

20-06-2025 05:44PM

I guess I could sit it out and hope they kick the bucket but will probably live longer than me 😁 stance made very clear is that I ain't paying. But it's about now do I take the risk and take her acknowledgement that she understands. If we have kids and she stays at home to mind and not work it's fine with me. It's the whole unknown that I feel has been made a little unclear that's the issue. Let them move in with one of the sisters and sign the house / farm to them. Gf trying to do the right thing telling them she can't pay / to sell one of the houses. Prob is they ain't worth much

con___manx1 · 20-06-2025 06:00PM

SShe Just wants a vissa and your money. Get rid.

charlessmith22 · 20-06-2025 09:14PM

What actually are her visa terms? Would she not need to be married at this point to remain in ireland presuming she hasn't got job sponsorship?(doesn't sound like it). <Mod snip>

Mod - Warning applied for breach of charter.
Also if you cannot offer advice without sly digs at other posters, PI is not the place for you.

ebbsy · 20-06-2025 09:26PM

Her situation is not a strange one, people move abroad the whole time to provide for their parents etc.

There is nowt sinister about it.

And the choice is very simple, you either feel comfortable or you do not.

Work, visas and concern for future

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