How to tell kids about cancer treatment?

El Gato De Negocios · 02-06-2025 09:32AM #1

Hi all.

My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months ago. She's had surgery and is starting chemo next week. We have 2 kids (8 and almost 7) and we are unsure about how to broach the subject with them.

For the surgery and other appointments we just made things up but the treatment now can obviously have outwardly visible effects, particularly if she loses her hair. She is going to be cold capping so hopefully that won't be a factor but even if she doesn't, she will likely be nauseous and lethargic for a couple of months.

We are not going to mention cancer but obviously we need to make them aware that mammy might be ill for a few months.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

wildwillow · 02-06-2025 05:04PM

Honesty is the only route but keep it to their level of understanding. Children are worriers and will imagine the worst, even if you might not notice them reacting. I bet they know something is wrong already.

Explain the situation to them in language they can understand. Explain about hair loss and tiredness and the need to give their mother time to heal. Be positive in your attitude and try to explain that it will take time, measured in occasions like after your next birthday or Christmas, rather than in months.

Try to keep their routine as usual and give notice of when treatment is due.

Keep family life normal with treats and days out if holidays are not possible.

Treatment has improved so much that the odds are that she will have a full recovery.

Take care of yourself too and lean on anyone who can help in any way.

KaneToad · 02-06-2025 05:08PM

Is there someone on the medical team/in the hospital that can advise?

It's your first time facing this issue but they will have seen your exact scenario many, many times.

Best of luck with the treatment.

DellyBelly · 02-06-2025 05:14PM

Sorry to hear that news. The good news the diagnosis for breast cancer is very positive..as for the kids I'd try and keep from telling them what's going on. With social media they would probably search it and get the worst case scenarios. Maybe say mum is a little sick but on the road to recovery without actually telling them what's happening

Damien360 · 02-06-2025 06:20PM

Just tell them honestly leaving nothing out. My two were almost exactly the same age as yours when we decided to tell them. My wife had chemo first so we had to say something before her hair began to fall out. She will be wreaked and not able to deal with them between treatments so they need to know. Let your work know and plan to take a lot of time off to help. Best of luck.

Damien360 · 02-06-2025 06:24PM

As an aside. The Marie Keating Foundation is a godsend in helping out to pay for a wig. It's itchy as hell and was dispenses with for a shawl type thing instead. Depending on where you live, trips for chemo are a drain on resources also. If the trip is long, there are fantastic groups willing to get her to and from the hospital for chemo. Reach out and tell her to avoid talking to doomsayers in the waiting room. Bring headphones to tune them out. Stay positive.

El Gato De Negocios · 03-06-2025 05:38AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123508968#Comment_123508968

Thanks, we are meeting the chemo co-ordinator on Friday morning so will ask her advice too.

El Gato De Negocios · 03-06-2025 05:40AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123509142#Comment_123509142

Cheers. I have an excellent VHI policy via my job that covers up to €3k for a wig / hairpiece if needed and it covers full travel expenses too as we are more than 50km from where she will be having her treatment.

El Gato De Negocios · 03-06-2025 05:45AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123508975#Comment_123508975

Thanks. The prognosis is pretty positive. Tumours were removed and she is only having the chemo as her recurrence scoring results were above the cut off point for her profile, so it's preventative rather than curative.

That's probably the best approach, they dont have access to social media anyway so I'm not concerned about them goggling but we dont want to mention cancer as all it takes is them to say it to one of the kids in school and have them being told "oh my granny / auntie / uncle died of cancer".

El Gato De Negocios · 03-06-2025 05:50AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123509113#Comment_123509113

We are lucky in that my parents are both relatively young and live literally 30 seconds away from us so they've been a big help with appointments up till now. My job have also been super accommodating and there is no issue with missing time. I work remotely 3 days a week anyway so that makes things a bit easier.

RoryMurphyJnr · 03-06-2025 05:54AM

Sorry to hear that, I had the same issue 10 years ago when I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. My son was 7 at the time. We explained everything to him from the start in language he could understand. Mention cancer, really do. Don't keep it as a secret from them. I understand the fear of the big C but the kids need to be told by you and your wife before they hear it from someone else.
My amazing wife brought him in to the hospital when I was getting treatment so he saw all the drips, etc. Keep everything in the house normal, school, meals, sports and hobbies.
Even when the treatment was complete (I'm all clear) I brought him in with my for the checkups.
Open honest clear, kids are more resiliant than we give them credit for.
Wishing you and your wife the very best.

taxAHcruel · 03-06-2025 06:41AM

On ongoing conversation is certainly key - rather than just a once off telling them about it.

Especially as treatments and response to treatments can be so varied. If things start happening that is unexpected - the kids might worry that it means the treatment is going wrong. And kids are a lot more observant than we tend to credit them. Definitely let them know that treatments for Cancer tend to leave you with good days and bad days. So when they observe (and they will) bad days following some good ones that this does not mean things are going wrong or downhill - but is actually the medicine and the human body doing its work.

So turning this into an ongoing conversation - especially covering any variances or out of the ordinary stuff - is probably helpful.

Never at any point use the situation as a guilt or control trip. Even throw away comments in the moment about bad behavior like "How can you do this when your mammy is so sick and tired" and so on. That does not preclude actual conversations saying we are on our best behavior when people are sick and to support them. But in the moment uses of it are likely not the best.

But the other way around is likely helpful. Give the kids a couple of new responsibilities and things they can proactively get into so they feel like they are helping with the whole process. If it is things that genuinely do help you and your wife get through the day - even as simple as doing dishes - great. But if not it can at least be things that kids THINK are helping. Basically let them know you are all in this together.

miamee · 03-06-2025 11:48AM

I see someone has recommended the Marie Keating Foundation for support, I would also mention the Irish Cancer Society. They have a large amount of support material available on their website and can be reached by phone or on the support form here: https://www.cancer.ie/enquiry-form?_gl=1%2A1lgwd2y%2A_gcl_au%2ANDAwNDMyMzc2LjE3NDg5NTA4MzA.

This might be helpful for both you and your wife as well as asking about how to approach telling your children about the treatment in an age appropriate way. They will have dealt with it all before.

Best wishes to Mrs @El Gato De Negocios for a speedy recovery

banie01 · 03-06-2025 12:11PM

I'll echo the sentiment regarding honesty. My own wife went through similar in 2022 although our son was 18 at the time so the conversation was easier. That said, her diagnosis was in May, with his LC starting a few weeks later and we had our 1st proper post lockdown family holiday booked for after that. My wife made the call that she didn't want him to know, and to have additional stress before his LC. She also decided that she wanted to go on holiday as herself, without anyone "worrying".

So, we didn't tell our son or indeed anyone else until early July. We came home from holiday on a Monday and she went in for her 1st op on the Wednesday.

Speaking to your kids regarding illness, recovery and all that it comes with is rough. I have no experience of the cancer conversation with a pre-teen. I do though have experience with discussing loss with a child. My son's Mam passed away when he was 3 and one of the things I tried to be then, and ever since.

Is honest but being so in an age appropriate manner. To answer his questions in a manner that gives him the knowledge to understand as well as he could but without overpowering or scaring him.

Talk to your wife's breast nurse and the ICS to seek advice on how best to broach the topic with your kids. There is plenty of advice out there, but whoever's you take? Stick to it and be consistent in the info, tone and responses with your kids.

I wish your Mrs all the best in the course of things to come. There will be hard days ahead for her, and by extension the whole family. 1 thing I learned during my own wife's treatment? Is that as much as we want to fix everything, to keep things rolling and to deliver solutions?

Is that, sometimes all we need do is be there. To hold her, hear her and listen. Learning that being there was more important than reacting and trying to "fix" was important.

Also, little things like learning lymphatic massage, attending appointments as the note taker.

Wishing you all, every one of the the best with what's to come.

neo12345 · 07-06-2025 09:57AM

Unfortunately I've been through this in recent years when my wife was diagnosed with Colon cancer. We had four children with the youngest being only a few months old. The older children were similar ages to yours when she was initially diagnosed. I've a few suggestions from my own experience:

If you can afford it, and your work is flexible, expect to take a good bit of extra time to support your wife at scans, perhaps picks/drops to and from chemo/scans. And to perhaps pick up the slack in terms of managing the household and child activities/chores. If you can get family support or paid help for some of these then do it!
Be honest - Thankfully your wife's prognosis sounds positive, and with some luck it sounds like no further treatment should be required after the initial chemo. That said, for some the news will not be so positive even with an initial positive outlook. At their ages, your children have the ability to understand that their mother is unwell, that she's getting medicine, and there's a really good chance she'll be just fine!. I wouldn't shy away from the word "cancer"…..it's only a word, and one that most of us cannot avoid in our lives/families at some point. The main message can be that the medicine she's on might make her tired/sick for a bit. I don't think you should suggest or promise that she will definitely be fine. For us that wasn't the case…
Research Extensively - I'm not sure what the breast cancer equivalents are, but there are incredible groups on facebook for Colon Cancer. There is a wealth of knowledge on these forums on all the available and emerging treatments. It will also link you in on others in your position, and guide you as to what to ask/challenge your doctors on. Don't immediately accept what you're told. Plenty of cases where people were diagnosed with early stage cancer, and not given more extensive scans at outset, and it turns out they have more advanced stage cancer. If you're private they will probably do the extra scans anyways, but if you're public it might be more of a challenge to push for PET or additional CT/MRI's…..do it though!
Others have mentioned numerous organisations that provide fabulous support to people in these circumstances. I'll just add ARC to this list. They provided us with enormous support throughout my wife's journey.

I can't think of anything else at this point, but please ask anything you like, either on the forum or via PM.

Ash.J.Williams · 07-06-2025 10:01AM

Just tell them

El Gato De Negocios · 09-06-2025 06:00AM

Thanks to all that took the time to reply. We told them over the weekend. Both seemed to be ok in the main though the younger (daughter) was a little bit quiet in the immediate aftermath. We just kept things as factual as possible. We asked if either of them knew what cancer was, explained that mammy had it but the operation she had a few weeks ago took it all away and that the treatment she is going to have is to stop it ever coming back. We outlined possible side effects such as vomiting and lethargy and did talk about potential hairloss however also about the cold capping which will hopefully minimise same. We also used some examples of people they know that have had cancer and were ok afterwards incl my wifes sister.

All in all, i think it went as well as could be expected. It was more a case that we were being overly concious about "protecting" them which i guess is a natural parental reaction. Thanks once again to everyone that offered advice, it was really helpful and rubber stamps again why a site like boards is invaluable.

How to tell kids about cancer treatment?

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