Father Ted Werewolf 3 - Game Thread

☘️ Craggy Island Chronicle ☘️
Serving the Parochial Community Since 1995

🗞️ Morning Edition – Day 3 – Werewolf Watch Special

MRS DOYLE FOILS FURRY FIENDS IN MIDNIGHT MAULING ATTEMPT

Bodyguard Heroism Thwarts Werewolf Ambush

By Imelda Cribben, Staff Reporter

CRAGGY ISLAND — In a stunning display of tea-fueled courage, beloved housekeeper-turned-bodyguard Mrs Doyle successfully fended off a coordinated werewolf attack in the dead of night, saving an innocent villager from becoming canine kibble.

The hairy assailants — later revealed to be local menace Pat Mustard, and the ever-jealous Father Dick Byrne — launched a surprise ambush under the cover of darkness. Sources close to the scene confirm the duo had "a wild look in their eyes" and were "absolutely howling" just before the attack.

But just as claws were raised and dramatic organ music began playing in the background, Mrs Doyle leapt from the shadows — wielding nothing but a tray of hot tea, a rosary, and sheer Protestant-resistant grit.

"I knew there was something off about that Mustard fella," she muttered afterward, pouring a cuppa for the trembling target. "Would you not have a nice drop of tea now, love? You've just been nearly devoured by two lupine lunatics."

The thwarted wolves, nursing their scorched paws and egos, reportedly fled into the night, howling obscenities and vowing revenge. Locals are advised to stay indoors after dark and remain vigilant — particularly if any bushy sideburns begin sprouting unexpectedly.

Craggy Island Council has issued a statement commending Mrs Doyle's bravery, declaring her "an unflappable bastion of moral fortitude and anti-werewolf defence."

"All she ever wanted was for people to have a nice cup of tea," said Father Dougal Maguire. "And now she’s saved the village. She’s like Batman, if Batman smelled of biscuits."

The drama continues tonight. Will the wolves regroup? Will Mrs Doyle offer them tea before launching them off the parochial house roof? Only time will tell.

☕ More on page 3: “Father Jack or Wolf?” – A Closer Look at the Howling in the Drinks Cabinet

VILLAGE LOSES ENTIRE STOCK OF TOILET PAPER AFTER "MIRACULOUS" WIND EVENT

In what is being described as either a meteorological phenomenon or divine, flavorsome punishment for that time the parish hosted “Sexy Bingo Night,” Craggy Island’s entire toilet paper supply was swept away in a sudden gust of wind.

Eyewitness accounts vary, with one resident claiming to have seen the Virgin Mary’s face in the flying Charmin Ultra Soft™, while another simply wept openly into an empty roll.

Local authorities are treating the incident as an "Act of God" and have issued a Level Orange Emergency: residents are advised to ration existing supplies, avoid spicy foods, and consider the old-fashioned method of "just using a good long stick."

Anyone caught hoarding tissues will be forced to sit through a full recording of Father Stack's techno album, Beats from the Confessional.

More updates as the story develops – or unravels entirely.

Mystery Woman Vanishes After Failing to Vote — Locals Blame Lethargy or Possibly Wolves

CRAGGY ISLAND – In a bizarre turn of events that has left residents both baffled and only mildly interested, Gertrude WW, a mysterious and notably silent figure in the recent goings-on, was unceremoniously ejected from the village after failing to participate in the latest public lynching.

“She didn’t say a word, not even during tea time,” said a bewildered Mrs Doyle, who reportedly offered Gertrude “about seventeen cups” before concluding that Gertrude might not even be real. “Sure I says to her, 'Go on, go on, go on,' but she just sat there like a sack of potatoes in a nun’s habit.”

@Gertrude WW believed to be short for “Wandering Wolf?” or possibly “Without Words,” had neither voted in the previous night’s dramatic, and ultimately fatal, town tribunal nor posted anything resembling useful commentary. Suspicion initially arose when local seer Father Ted declared, “That one hasn’t spoken since the bingo night in ’94,” before tragically being mauled by an angry bishop (and then posthumously fined for blasphemy by the diocese).

According to game rules hastily scribbled on the back of a raffle ticket and enforced by Bishop Brennan himself (who is still recovering from a spiritual concussion), any villager who fails to contribute may be “chucked off the island, excommunicated, or launched from a makeshift catapult into the Atlantic.”

The current state of the village remains tense. With Father Fintan Stack—unquestionably one of the wolves—finally silenced after blasting jungle music at ungodly hours, suspicion now falls on the greasy Pat Mustard (who denies everything but still insists on riding a suspiciously hairy milk float) and local eejit Dick Byrne, whose name has become synonymous with smarmy deflection.

Mrs Doyle, who is also moonlighting as the village bodyguard (“I’ll protect you with tea and biscuits if I have to break your kneecaps doing it”), assures the public that “there will be no funny business under my watch. Except possibly the bishop’s pants going missing again.”

With only a few villagers remaining, including the increasingly twitchy Bishop Brennan, the silent eliminations continue. Whether the wolves will triumph or the villagers will regain control is uncertain, but one thing remains clear:

Gertrude WW won’t be missed. Mostly because no one remembers inviting her in the first place. She was an NRV.

Editor’s Note:
The village asks that all remaining participants remember to vote, lest they too be fired from a trebuchet before evening mass.

This evening’s raffle prize will be The Holy Stone of Clonrichert.