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Father Ted Werewolf 3 - Game Thread
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Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Sports Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 57,949 Mod ✭✭✭✭
Join Date:Posts: 56179
☘️ Craggy Island Chronicle ☘️
Serving the Parochial Community Since 1995🗞️ Morning Edition – Day 2 – Werewolf Watch Special
TRAGIC MAULING IN PAROCHIAL HOUSE — VILLAGER FOUND HALF-CHEWED NEAR STASH OF TONICS
Craggy Island awoke this morning to scenes of unspeakable horror, as yet another innocent resident met a grizzly (or possibly lupine) fate in the early hours.
The victim - @Steve WW aka Father Jack Hackett the local village shaman - described by witnesses as “quiet, devout, and not the type to be mauled without protest,” was found sprawled across the linoleum with what Father Dougal McGuire described as “all the wrong bits on the outside.”
Suspicion immediately turned to foul play of the full moon variety. Reports suggest the three main suspects continue to roam freely, fur and fang unchecked:
- Pat Mustard, local milkman and part-time lothario with a suspiciously luxurious mane.
- Father Dick Byrne, resident of Rugged Island and known for his envy of Ted’s superior parochial house facilities.
- Father Fintan Stack, unholy terror of priests’ quarters and the only man to play jungle music louder than the sound of human screaming.
Residents are advised to lock their doors, avoid silver-free zones, and refrain from delivering milk alone.
Tonight's raffle prize can be exclusively revealed as a My Lovely Horse Grooming Set. The winner will be notified post lynch.
"HAIRY HANDS? STRAIGHT TO ST. CLABBERT'S!" – STACK STRIKES AGAIN
In a stunning display of psychiatric overreach, Father Fintan Stack has reportedly committed a fellow resident to St. Clabbert’s Hospital for the Criminally Hairy, citing “unreasonably hairy hands” as grounds for immediate sectioning.
“I don’t like the look of them,” Stack was overheard saying. “Hands like that? Clearly lycanthropy, or jazz guitar. Either way—GET IN THE VAN.”
@Winifred WW has been declared ineligible for this evening’s lynching vote, throwing the village’s already precarious democracy into chaos.
Experts have confirmed that “hairy hand syndrome” is not conclusive evidence of being a werewolf, but Stack is reportedly unmoved. “I have my own methods,” he said, before kicking over a decorative plant and blaring techno music from a boombox he brought into confession.
Meanwhile, civil rights advocates on Craggy Island have raised concerns about Stack’s unilateral powers of committal. Said one anonymous source:
"We’re all a bit hairy this time of year. That doesn’t mean we should be strapped to a gurney and force-fed holy water custard."LOCAL PRIEST KICKS VILLAGER INTO BISHOPHOOD
Divine Arse-Kicking Awakens Hidden Power
In a shocking turn of events during last night’s parish council meeting-slash-midnight werewolf hunt, Father Ted Crilly – well-known local cleric and part-time psychic visionary – administered a righteous boot up the backside to a fellow islander. The action, widely believed to be part of his “seer’s ritual,” has had unexpected holy consequences.
Witnesses confirm that after the ecclesiastical assault, the kicked villager began to speak in a commanding tone, demanding respect and threatening eternal damnation. It was soon confirmed: the villager had transformed into none other than Bishop Brennan, or at least a Craggy Island manifestation thereof.
“He just gave him a boot, and the next minute yer man was quoting canon law and ordering everyone to genuflect,” said Mrs. Doyle, who brewed six kettles of tea in excitement. “It was like the Holy Spirit, but with more shouting.”
Father Ted, who has claimed the title of Seer of Craggy Island (“I get visions. And occasionally a sore foot.”), maintains that his boot is guided by divine insight. “I didn’t mean to awaken Brennan, but perhaps it’s the Lord’s way of revealing who among us is more than they appear,” he said, polishing his shoe with a suspicious amount of pride.
While Bishop Brennan’s allegiance remains unchanged, experts believe he has gained a hidden power. Rumours suggest he may now silently smite other villagers – or perhaps even the werewolves – as long as no one dares mention the unfortunate incident involving Father Ted’s shoe and his rear end.
Residents are advised to proceed with caution, avoid full moons, and under no circumstances should anyone mention Rome.
As for Father Crilly himself, Brennan has vowed to send him to somewhere much worse than Craggy Island after the Werewolf Crisis has abated.
More on this story as it develops.
CHAOS AT CRAGGY FAIR AS FATHER DOUGAL DECLARES HIMSELF “POPE FOR THE DAY”
By Siobhán McGillycuddy, Senior Ecclesiastical Correspondent
Craggy Island — What began as a peaceful, flavoured, parish fundraiser quickly descended into farcical chaos yesterday after Father Dougal McGuire, in a surprise turn of theological ambition, declared himself "Pope for the Day" while wearing a novelty mitre made from crisp packets and duct tape.
The event, intended to raise funds for the refurbishment of the parochial house’s indoor plumbing (“It hasn't worked since 1993,” confirmed a damp Father Ted Crilly), spiraled out of control when Dougal climbed atop the tombola table, raised a toilet brush aloft, and solemnly announced: “I have spoken to the big man upstairs, and he said it was grand.”
Witnesses claim he then attempted to canonise a potato and absolve a goat of “general mischief.”
Father Crilly, speaking through gritted teeth and a forced smile, tried to downplay the incident. “He’s not the actual Pope. He barely remembers how to say Mass. We once caught him blessing a DVD player,” he said, holding back tears and mild rage. “It’s all just a misunderstanding. A very public misunderstanding.”
Local troublemaker and professional alcoholic Father Jack Hackett, before his untimely demise (may the Lord rest his soul) reportedly responded to Dougal’s papal decree with a single word: “ARSE!” before launching a fruit trifle at a nearby nun.
Events further escalated when Mrs. Doyle, armed with a tray of increasingly aggressive cups of tea, began chasing people shouting, “Go on, go on, go on—he’s a lovely Pope!”
Local Gardaí were called but reportedly just watched from a safe distance while sipping tea and taking bets.
As of press time, Dougal was still referring to himself as “Pope Dougal the First and Probably Only” and had attempted to excommunicate Father Ted for “being too bossy.”
The parish plumbing remains unfixed.
Tonight’s Weather Forecast:
Foggy, tense, and slightly bloodstained. Full moon rising. Avoid suspicious milkmen.Editor’s Note:
Anyone caught howling past curfew will be blamed and possibly burned. Stay indoors. Trust no one. Especially not Pat Mustard.Moderator: Current Affairs/IMHO, Soccer, Pro Wrestling, State Benefits
0 - Pat Mustard, local milkman and part-time lothario with a suspiciously luxurious mane.
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Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Sports Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 57,949 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Join Date:Posts: 56179
Special Edition – Mayhem on the Moors
EXPLOSIVE REVELATION: MILK FLOAT RIGGED BY DISGRACED MILKMAN PAT MUSTARD
By Our Investigative Correspondent, Father Chewy Louie
Craggy Island, 13 May — The sleepy serenity of Craggy Island was shattered this morning as a terrifying plot was uncovered: a milk float, innocently delivering its daily dairy, has been rigged with a time-triggered explosive device by none other than former milkman and beard enthusiast, Pat Mustard.
Known for his luxurious moustache and deeply suspicious supply of “emergency lingerie,” Mustard was last seen cackling maniacally and driving off into the mist shouting, “You’ll never beat me, you celibate fools!”
The sinister twist? According to a note left in a half-empty bottle of Bailey’s, the bomb is designed to detonate if the float’s driver, @Regan WW fails to post at least once an hour in the official game thread between 10am and 8pm. Local authorities confirmed the note was signed “The Hairy Avenger.”
Gardaí have described the situation as “serious but comically Irish,” urging Regan — to “keep calm and type furiously.”
Father Ted Crilly, who has been attempting to defuse the tension with logic and tea, had this to say:
“It’s a disgrace. A bomb. On a milk float. It’s the sort of thing you’d expect in Limerick.”
Father Dougal added:
“Ted, does this mean if they stop posting, they explode? Like BOOM? Like in that film with the bus and Keanu Reeves—Speed? Except with more cows?”
Meanwhile, Mrs. Doyle has offered the player “a nice cup of tea every hour, to keep their posting spirits up,” although her suggestion to “just unplug the bomb and plug in a kettle instead” was met with blank stares.
Citizens are advised to monitor the thread closely, encourage regular posting, and report any suspicious moustaches immediately.
As tensions rise and the hours tick by, one thing is certain: this is the most dangerous dairy delivery in Craggy Island history.
Stay tuned for updates. Or, as Father Jack put it:
“POST! POST! AAAAAAGH! DRINK!”
Moderator: Current Affairs/IMHO, Soccer, Pro Wrestling, State Benefits
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