Adult children living at home

Emilee · 17-03-2025 12:13PM #1

I’m a codependent parent, working on my issues however my adult child working earning 1.700 - 2k per month no bills doesn’t pay transport to and from work, won't pay 100pw towards bills and food. Im told it’s too much money to pay. Yet an older sibling pays 100pw living on social welfare. I have offered different solutions like don’t pay me anything Pay everything yourself food, electricity, rent this solution was turned down.
So I gave the ultimatum I hate that word, pay 100€ like your sibling pays, or move out!

I’m at my true wits at what to do.

StormForce13 · 17-03-2025 12:24PM

You're quite right to do something drastic. Is his(her) €25k year annual income before tax or after tax?

If he (she) thinks that €100 a week is too much, then why not invite him/her to make you what he/she considers a realistic offer.

Main thing now is to go through with it - even when junior starts whining about the housing crisis and the cost of parsnips in Uganda!

Buddy Bubs · 17-03-2025 12:26PM

Start removing the perks of living at home, washing, food, cooking etc....

chiefwiggum · 17-03-2025 12:29PM

They have no value on what you are providing. I used to hand up 130 euro a week from the time I was 18. I have always worked so it was not an issue. As I got older and moved into my own place I came to realise that the 130 euro was the best money I ever spent. After a hard day's work the dinner was on the table and all my bills included.

This adult child needs a reality check!

17-03-2025 12:34PM

is the adult child paying nothing at all?

phonypony · 17-03-2025 12:47PM

You shouldn't be buying food, cooking, cleaning, doing washing, etc. - that should be down to the adult child. On top of this, a fair contribution to basic bills should be expected (electricity/gas/broadband). There's no excuse for an earner not to help while your other child is contributing as a non-earner.

pale rider · 17-03-2025 12:53PM

You are right, pay the same as the other sibling or time to get your own place

Do not feel guilty, this is not on you, serious amount of growing up required and this will help this ‘ child ‘ in the long run.

Raichų · 17-03-2025 12:56PM

you are 100% dead on OP he’s acting the bollox to be blunt.
€100 a week coming out of about €400 a week is pittance— if he was out by himself he’d be laughing to be keeping 1/3 of his income every week after sorting the bills and essentials!!
I’d put it to him if he’s not willing to pay his way he’s not welcome to use electricity and gas, eat your food or any of the rest.

He can spend his money on takeaways or the likes and see how funny he is then. You’re dead on to be straight out with him especially if a sibling on welfare is putting up €100 a week without complaint.

I’d love to know what he’s spending all his money on that’s so important he can’t afford €100 for rent and board!

Raichų · 17-03-2025 12:57PM

Worth adding both me and my brother were charged rent by the folks the first week we started making money.

I moved out at 18 but was working from 16 so two years I paid €50 a week and had I stayed past 18 it would’ve doubled.

My brother started working after college and since then has been paying €100 a week without a word of argument. In fact during Covid when esb prices went up he offered to pay more!

Emilee · 17-03-2025 12:58PM

they pay 50pw I was sucked into that arrangement even at 50€ a week it is never met, like paid monthly I’m let short f everything else. I gave up cooking meals as they went wasted many times.

I appreciate your reply, guess I just need a different perspective I already know what needs to be done but it’s hard.

SteM · 17-03-2025 12:58PM

If he was saving towards moving out with a set date in mind then I'd probably let him away with it. If he's not then he should be handing up money every week, there's no excuse.

Raichų · 17-03-2025 12:59PM

that’s another one OP change the WiFi password and refuse to let them have it until they start paying their share of bills. If you’re not sure how to do it honestly send me a PM and I’ll walk you through it.

Emilee · 17-03-2025 01:00PM

50€ pw paid monthly, their reality is 200€pm forgetting some months have 5 weeks. I’m the idiot for letting it get this way.

Emilee · 17-03-2025 01:05PM

this is after tax

Emilee · 17-03-2025 01:13PM

the arrangement made was 50€ rent n stuff the other 50€ was to save for college not in Ireland as I can’t afford to pay for college. That has since changed I wasn’t told. the other 50€ has not been saved. It’s none of my business. Reality check needed on my part!

Dial Hard · 17-03-2025 02:18PM

OP, is this the same adult child you've been having trouble with for years now, or another one of your children? Either way, I think it's probably pretty fair to say that you need professional help with your parenting/coping skills at this point. I don't say that to be unkind, but because it's almost impossible to change the habits of a lifetime by yourself. You have been enabling your children for their entire lives, so it's going to be very, very difficult to change that dynamic without outside help.

Their father is deceased, iirc - are there any other respected adults in their lives that you could recruit for moral support on this?

HildaOgdenx · 17-03-2025 02:26PM

Mod - Some posts deleted which were derailing the thread.

For anyone unfamiliar with the PI charter please take the time to read it before posting.

Thanks.

17-03-2025 02:30PM

Stop cooking his dinner, stop doing the washing, get a lock for the fridge, change wifi password. You are going to have br sterner with him.

herbalplants · 17-03-2025 02:45PM

What age is this adult child? For how long is it going?

Emilee · 17-03-2025 04:07PM

same child

spaceHopper · 18-03-2025 01:21PM

Tell them to set up a standing order to pay it. And put the price up to 150, they should be paying 150 + their own living expenses.

SVI40 · 18-03-2025 02:52PM

My two have paid 25% of there net pay towards housekeeping from when they started working. It's a good way to get them use to supporting themselves for / if they eventually move out. Living at home for free is not an option, and they are aware and respect that.

The money will eventually go back to them if they need help in getting their own place, or when I pass on as part of the estate. It's more like a savings scheme, that they don't know about. But I'm lucky I can do that. Others may need the money and it's only fair that adults contribute to their upkeep.

BobMc · 19-03-2025 12:40PM

have a 20 nearly 21 year old son, e50 p/w and he's moaned and stopped the direct debit couple times, told him in no uncertain circumstances its not to be cancelled without consultation first, if it does, he'll come home from work to a packed suitcase, go rent a room and see what it costs, this excuse you dont need the money doesnt wash with me and the missus

CardF · 22-03-2025 12:40AM

ask to see his accounts. all of them.

watch his spending, see if there are holidays, new hardware, fancy clothes.

if he refuses to show the accounts, and/or is buying lots of stuff then it time for him to pay up or ship out.

also ask about his plans/budgeting.

do this on the spot out of nowhere. dont give time for a cock and bull story. have a rent price in mind for him.

Airyfairy12 · 22-03-2025 03:42PM

I live at home, earn roughly what your child makes while also running a car and have a few other expenses, I hand up 50 a week & buy my own groceries, do my laundry etc & buy some household things used by everyone like milk/fabric softner.. I also buy pet food for the family pets. Theres no reason they shouldnt be handing something up every week, theyre not disabled and youre not their carer, you didnt sign up for that! You will feel guilty for giving an ultimatum but its the right thing to do, not just for yourself but for them too, how will ever stand on their own two feet if you enable this behaviour?

AnnieinDundrum · 25-03-2025 02:23PM

sounds like you’ve let it slide and sure we all do that.

I don’t know how old they are but assuming adult then a few things you can have been suggested here.

I’d step away from asking to see bank accounts etc. You want them to be an adult so don’t undermine this like my mum tried to… she suggested I give her all my wages and she’d save a bit and give me pocket money. Needless to say I refused and she still refers to my stubbornness… I’m 60+ now. At the time I had just got my B Comm and was a trainee accountant. lol.

anyway ask them to set up a DD and that way you aren’t asking every week, if they are paid monthly then ask for a monthly DD. Don’t think anyone is paid weekly anymore. And round up so it’s the weekly amount x52/12.

Don’t do laundry for anyone else. Everyone over the age of 14 should do their own.

share the food organising and shopping and cooking so they’ll see where the money is going.

do not refer to what someone else in the household is paying, it’s pointless. And sets you up for constant rows.
My sister has 2 adult kids, one us earning a six figure salary the other is a musician. She tells everyone how much they each pay and both kids are resentful. The rich kid is paying more and hates his sister for her free ride and constantly moans that he is subsidising her. She works long shifts in fast food and feels that she works harder to pay her smaller amount and he should stop complaining.

Their baby brother is at school and has more treats than they ever had as the family income is much better so they both resent that.

It’s never easy.