Meeting your ex's partner who they cheated on with?

PI_R_Anon_12345 · 14-02-2025 12:29PM #1

Hey all,

About 2 years ago I found out that my wife was cheating on me, I posted about it back then in this thread:

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058291182

Since then we have separated and are co-parenting our child (he has a learning disability and ASD so it's quite hands on, we can't do the whole see each other at handover only thing). That side of things is going fine. Because of his needs we have alternated who stays in the house, so I stay there at weekends and she goes to her parent's house and then I leave on Sunday night or Monday and she takes over again. This has been fine too, although it has been a little bit awkward because her parent's house is next door so it can feel like she is watching over me.

Since the separation she has continued her relationship with the guy she had cheated on me with, and this is still ongoing now. He doesn't live in this country, so they meet by either he coming here and they go away somewhere, or she goes to his country. This hasn't affected me, so whatever.

She told me earlier this year that he was coming to Ireland this weekend and staying for the week (which has happened before), but this time he is staying in the house with her and my son for the week (they are away for the weekend while I'm there). I told her when she informed me 2 years ago that she was continuing her relationship that I don't ever want to meet the guy, and I haven't changed my stance yet.

When she told me today (short notice much?) that he was going to be staying in the house from Sunday night I was caught out a little, but I told her that's fine as long as she's confident our son will be okay (as much as I don't trust her in a relationship sense, I don't ever doubt her parenting) then that's fine. I reiterated that I don't want to meet the guy and asked that she doesn't put me in an awkward situation. She replied with "I understand you don’t want to meet him hence me letting you know repeatedly as I do have to do handover with you in my house and he will be next door in my mams. Im happy to respect your wishes in regards not meeting him, at some stage however for the benefit of [our son] in the future I would hope that you would reconsider."

One thing to note is that my ex has (from time to time) used our son as almost like a guilt trip for things. So here to me it's like "it's for our son!" even though I don't know if it really is.

How have people handled meeting the person their now ex-partner cheated on with? Any suggestions on how to handle this? Is it viable for me to avoid meeting this guy indefinitely?

TIA.

Tell me how · 14-02-2025 12:37PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058396423/meeting-your-exs-partner-who-they-cheated-on-with

I haven't been in your situation so feel free to ignore my comment.

But I do want to applaud you and your ex-wife in prioritizing your sons needs. I think your ex respects your position and long term would probably continue to do so. I also think, for you, if you could get to a place of meeting them, it may be easier on you in the long run. It seems they're committed (and not disregarding how they met) it is likely this person could play a significant part in your childs life so if you could get to a place of meeting them and engaging with them, it might be something you are glad you did. I still wouldn't fault you however if you felt you couldn't do this.

Hope this isn't too stressful for you.

raze_them_all_ · 14-02-2025 12:50PM

Had the same situation, two years today in fact when it ended.

She is still with him and just bought a house. I do not talk bad about her mother or him but I've cut contact otherwise unless it's about our child.

If she was so concerned about the benefit of your child she wouldn't of been cheating and is now a way to guilt you to accept what she done. Your job is to do what's best for your child and your opinion and hers will not always align and that is fine.

14-02-2025 01:43PM

I agree with Tell me how, if the relationship is serious it would benefit you to meet him at some point when you do feel ready. If hes going to be part of your sons life its important and it leaves you not wondering about this man. Clearly now is not the time for you but maybe its something to think on a little more.

Its refreshing to hear of you and your ex handling things so well and putting your sons needs first, you have my applaud for doing that.

SmallgirlBigcity · 14-02-2025 01:54PM

I can understand why you don't want to meet him but I would also recommend trying to get to know him so you have a better understanding of what he's like because he's going to be in your child's life. It sounds like they are in a serious relationship now and if he's going to be around your child, it would be in everyone's interests to get along amicably if possible.

I do understand though how hurt and angry you must be. I guess it might take a long time to get over this kind of thing. It sounds like you're both trying to handle the co-parenting in a mature way so fair play. Wishing you all the best.

thefa · 14-02-2025 02:29PM

Don’t feel pressured to reconsider immediately or even respond to that message. Your wishes and feelings are still valid but may change over time.

At least she is trying to respect your wishes even if the notice was short. Ignore any guilt tripping for obvious reasons.

Hannibal_Smith · 14-02-2025 07:22PM

You get to decide when you're ready to meet him. You're doing the very best for your son. You're not causing difficulties. Its perfectly understandable that you don't have any wish to meet the guy given the circumstances.

charlessmith22 · 14-02-2025 11:39PM

I think I'd want to get an impression of the person that may spend significant time with my child. Avoiding difficult situations is no way to live life.

She may be a good mother but dizzy love can lead to lapses in judgement, if he's giving her earth shattering orgasms she may be overlooking flaws that could harm the harmony of your sons specific routines.

And you're probably building into a bigger thing than it is, ripping off the bandage sooner than later may help you avoid years of resentment and bitterness.

Tork · 15-02-2025 02:28PM

Try to think about this from your son's point of view. He now has his mother's "friend" in his life and that's quite an adjustment. Seeing you in the same room as him and being civil might be reassuring to him. From a pure parenting point of view, would it not make sense to get an idea of what sort of person this man is? Not to mention, keeping an eye on how your son behaves around him.

I get a sense that you're annoyed with your ex for trying to call a halt to your kicking the can down the road approach. She might not be doing it in the way you want it to, but she is trying to do the right thing.

Raichų · 15-02-2025 03:06PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123173907#Comment_123173907

in fairness I wouldn’t be jumping at the chance to meet the guy my wife was riding behind my back. To just be straight out about it.

I think the OP is doing the right thing. He’s not the bad guy here.

Panthro · 15-02-2025 03:11PM

OP you do you. You've said you don't want to meet the guy. She wants you to for whatever reason. Your life, your decisions. If in years from now you find yourself in a head space where you can be in the same room as him, that's fine too. It sounds like you've zero interest in meeting him. So stick to your guns. She needs to respect your decisions.

tjhook · 15-02-2025 03:35PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123174031#Comment_123174031

I agree with this. You didn't create this situation, you're not responsible to make it comfortable for your ex-wife and her partner, and they have no right to decide how you relate to them.

A few counter-points have been made but I'm not sure I agree with them.

Some people have said you should get to know the other guy, so you can know what kind of person your child is being exposed to. I don't think that's valid. firstly, the guy is going to be hyper-aware and unlikely to be at his worst when you're in his presence. So you won't really know him unless you're planning on spending a lot of time with him. And it's very likely you won't be looking at him objectively anyway. Secondly, no matter what you think of him, you can't change the fact that you ex-wife (and as a result, your child) will be spending time with him.

Another point made is that it would be more comforting for your child to see all four of you being friendly. Again I'm not sure it makes much difference. It will do no good for your child to see you and your ex-wife fighting all the time. So you need some kind of relationship with minimal friction with her. Even if it's business-like as co-parents. But you and her partner? You have no relationship to him. Again, so long as none of you is aggressive or undermining anybody else to the child, I don't see a problem.

As @Panthro has said above, you do you. If you want to make things less awkward at some stage, do that. If you don't want to do that now, don't.

Big Bag of Chips · 15-02-2025 07:41PM

If my husband cheated on me I wouldn't be too thrilled about the idea of being forced in to a polite introduction and being civil in their company, all for the sake of making their life less awkward.

I suppose the fact that she lives with her parents, next-door to your family home, and he's obviously going to be there regularly makes the likelihood of you bumping into each other higher. But I don't think you need to be agreeing to a formal introduction. I don't think there is any need for there to be a crossover in your home.

The difficult part will be hoping that she is decent about this and respects your wishes. But seeing as she cheated on you it looks like she's not all that concerned with how you feel so I wouldn't depend on her doing the right thing by you. And just for the record, I don't think she is actually "doing the right thing" for her son here. He doesn't need to be involved in her relationship problems. She's using him as an excuse to manipulate you.

You will probably end up in the same room at some point. You already know who he is. He knows who you are. I don't think there's any need for formal introductions.

charlessmith22 · 15-02-2025 08:08PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123174122#Comment_123174122

You're right that he'll probably be on his best behaviour but the key difference in not meeting and meeting is the impression he'll get of what he can get away with. If the OP is hiding away he could think he can get away with a lot more than if he's a bit wary of the OP. Listen maybe the guy is grand but I'd be doing everything in my power to ensure my son is safe and well, and if that means checking my ego for a brief moment then so be it. It may be avoiding confrontations that landed the OP in this mess to begin with.

Tork · 15-02-2025 09:08PM

I didn't say he should watch how the new man interacts with his son. It goes without saying that he'll be on his best behavour. I said "keeping an eye on how your son behaves around him". There's a difference.

PI_R_Anon_12345 · 17-02-2025 12:23AM

Hey all, thanks for feedback so far.

Just to provide a little added context, while the relationship between my ex and her guy is going for about 2 years now, he's only quite recently been introduced to her family and my son. This is the first time he's spending the night in the house there. He's been in Ireland maybe once every 2 or 3 months as far as I'm aware, so he's not likely going to be around regularly yet. If he was to move to Ireland that would obviously change things.

Today I spent most of the day out and about with son, I dropped him back in the evening. My ex met me and we did hand over and caught up about what's going on and so on. All the time I knew your man was next door (in her parent's house) so as to avoid me. Everything went to plan, but I still felt awful knowing he was there, it really did throw me for a loop. I'm definitely not in a place where I'd be able to meet him.

I'm sure it'll change if that relationship continues but for now, I can't do it.

Panthro · 17-02-2025 12:22PM

Then don't. And don't be coerced into meeting him before you're ready to either. You look out for you.

You got this.

Big Bag of Chips · 17-02-2025 12:41PM

I'd also guess that he's not too keen on being introduced to you!! If he's pushing for it then that makes him an even bigger prick than just having an affair with her. He's actively looking to rub it in your face.

I think this is all coming from her. Tell her no, and there's no more discussion about it.

purifol0 · 17-02-2025 12:59PM

OP I don't suppose you could get yourself a hotter younger girlfriend and bring her around at all?

Because if not you sound like a great guy, and that's something your ex will take advantage of.

I would have no qualms with telling her that you should get to decide when this meeting happens and remind her he's only there because of her infidelity.

Emasculation isn't just a feeling, having himself around will actively cause you stress and anger on a primitive level and since you cant take it out on him, you may end up taking it out on someone else and you absolutely don't want that to happen.

As with everyone else here, my heart goes out to you

charlessmith22 · 17-02-2025 04:44PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123180321#Comment_123180321

Younger girlfriend? Why are you equating that as a flex? Devaluing women of similar or older age as options is weird. As is adding another person in this child's life purely to try evoke his ex's jealousy.

Dating someone casually is probably not a bad option in general to help him move on but this is something he can do in his free time for him and not as another way to obsess over his ex.

gameoverdude · 17-02-2025 05:23PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123179316#Comment_123179316

And you're absolutely right! Your son is the absolute priority with a very close second yourself.

The gall of your ex making the relationship with your son about herself. Really takes a disgusting type of ego to weaponise your child.

She was, is and in the future wrong.

Breaking up happens. Shed tears, we've all been through it. But what she's doing is on a different level.

I'm sure you're no saint, nor am I, but you don't deserve this.

You've already got the "for our son speech", expect more to follow.

He could be a great lad, supportive and encouraging. Excellent, I hope so, but it's the mother that's the issue. Terrible betrayal of trust and whimsical now.

If you don't feel comfortable, that's cool. Stick by your guns.

How do the grandparents feel about the situation? Keep that roof over your head.

gameoverdude · 17-02-2025 05:28PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123180268#Comment_123180268

She cheated on her husband.

Yeah he's a prick if he knew, but all on her.

reclose · 17-02-2025 05:50PM

Only do what you are comfortable with. there’s no right or wrong here.

I’ve no doubt your child will completely understand your stance when he’s older.

spaceHopper · 17-02-2025 06:19PM

I rember you post. I hope you're doing Ok and have rebuilt your life.

If it was me I'd give my son two cans of rebull just before handover and let what happens happen. (I know that wouldn't be fair on him so I expect you would)

As far as meeting him, that wasn't a last minute trip she's known this for a while and only told you at the last second. Even just to set boundries and cut out other sh1t. I'd tell her you don't see your feelings changing and after everything she's done to you and how it's affected your son, she's going to have to own it and accept it.

Wompa1 · 17-02-2025 06:30PM

You don't owe her or the affair partner a damn thing. I wouldn't let her guilt you.

I think you not being uncomfortable in the guy's presence is more beneficial to your son than you being clearly uncomfortable around him. Kids pick up on things. It could make him act out towards the affair partner going forward if he picks up on you not liking him.

Also, imagine you meet him and he is an awful sack of sh1t. It will make things even worse. What if you end up losing your temper and knocking him tf out? I think you removing yourself from that conflict is the healthiest thing you can do for your child and yourself.

HildaOgdenx · 18-02-2025 01:34AM

Mod - Some posts deleted.

PI is an advice forum, not a discussion forum.
And most definitely not a place for getting digs in at other posters.

As per the charter, posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.

If unfamiliar with the charter, please read it before posting.

18-02-2025 05:21PM

Don't be guilted OP. That woman has some neck tbh, expecting you to make that adjustment.

Realistically, if he only comes to Ireland every few months there is a very good chance the relationship isn't going to last and you not wanting to meet him may not be a long term issue anyway.

gameoverdude · 18-02-2025 08:09PM

Focus on your boy and yourself.

Your exes relationship and problems are their own. If they have issues, your son is the priority. That's it.

You are a second, still very important.

squonk · 04-03-2025 01:40PM

Your ex’s relationship with this guy jumped out at me reading this. They’ve been seeing each other 2 years but actually only get together every few weeks fur a weekebd or a week more infrequently. In that case I don’t know why she’s looking to involve you meeting him at all. Not yet anyway. He’s met her family, great. There’s a trajectory to the relationship but it’s hardly a full blown relationship as they’re sorry more than they are together. It’s easy be on best behaviour and loved up for a weekend or a week every so often but quite another thing living with each other day in day out. So, I don’t know why she wants you to meet this guy yet svd it’s totally valid to not feel you want to. You’re not there yet. On a practical level anyway if it was me I’d be telling her she was jumping the gun a bit.

Mods can snip this if they wish. I don’t wish to trouble the OP but if he’s living abroad I sober are they talking tentatively about her relocating? It may be in her mind and I’d think she reckons it could grease tge wheels to that outcome if you’ve met the guy. Just a thought but very selfish if that’s the direction of travel.

Squatman · 10-03-2025 10:55AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123230496#Comment_123230496

yea, that thought entered my head too. might be a more sunny country, and the logic of would be "better for the child". could come into play. my sympathies to teh OP, i remember reading the original story, and it was disgusting. Fair play to her, its rare that someone lives up to their reputation

spaceHopper · 10-03-2025 01:05PM

OP have you started the legal process yet, if she were to move to his home country, you want a clear maker that she can't take your son without your consent.

Meeting your ex's partner who they cheated on with?

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