Husband sharing private information with his family

clarerose · 30-12-2024 01:13AM #1

...deleted.

drury.. · 30-12-2024 01:39AM

Hes not great sharing like that outside of the relationship when asked not to

Very juvenile type response that he can't lie to his family

I wouldn't have any hope or desire to stay if this was me

drunkmonkey · 30-12-2024 01:41AM

It sounds like you're being very hard and controlling on him, why shouldn't he be allowed talk about holiday plans, ok maybe he shouldn't have mentioned you might change jobs but it's not the end of the world they're just conversations between friends.

If that's the worst that happened with the in-laws over Christmas you've done quite well, it can be a challenging time. Take it easy on the other half it sounds like he doesn't deserve this grief over some innocent small talk.

drury.. · 30-12-2024 01:42AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122999946#Comment_122999946

That's a poor response I can tell you right now

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Warning applied for breach of Charter

ledwithhedwith · 30-12-2024 01:50AM

He may have just checked out already , like you said you are about to separate? I mean he shouldn’t have said the things you told him not to share but they seem like very small beer in the grand scheme of things with your relationship.

exiledawaynothere · 30-12-2024 02:25AM

Separation does look like TBH. He has not recognized it fully and was playing happy families (it seems his family is quite domineering).

The children may be happier in two separate happy homes as opposed to what’s now (an assumption on my part) not a particularly happy one.

Guffy · 30-12-2024 02:32AM

Honestly reads like you're looking for reasons to leave imo. Just pull the plug.

Do the kids a favour and don't try to win every separation battle or use them as a weapon.

Dr Turk Turkelton · 30-12-2024 02:49AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122999948#Comment_122999948

So @drury.. would you care to say how long you have been single?

Op if you are looking for a way to separate you don't need a consensus on boards to do it.

Sounds a very trivial reason to separate but if you need to justify it to yourself you have a "good" excuse there.

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Warning applied for breach of charter

...Ghost... · 30-12-2024 02:57AM

I prefer the second response. You seem to be trying to control things; him and what his side of the family know. I don't see why it would matter him talking about holidays. It is benign conversation. In any event, you could have interjected and said while you were indeed looking, you haven't actually decided if a holiday was going to happen. I also don't see the relevance of the job offer unless he went into personal details lime salary.

It does seem like you are looking for an excuse to run away. You don't need one. If you want out of the marriage then you should make it happen, or make it work. You both need to decide to make it work. Only one of you needs to decide not to. Good luck.

cnocbui · 30-12-2024 03:05AM

Just separate and be done with it.

Mellor · 30-12-2024 03:30AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058385964/husband-sharing-private-information-with-his-family

He should have shared the job offer if he was asked not to. But why are you trying to keep it a secret? The fact you haven’t decided is irrelevant.

His sister politely asked how work is going. “It’s going well, also had a new job offer, I’m still deciding”.
Unless the job is highly sensitive, that’s pretty normal.

I asked him if he could just say the truth, which is "we haven't decided yet", but instead he goes into detail about how I'd been researching the USA, what hotels I've looked at, dates etc.

As for the holidays. Have you been looking at the US, the dates and hotels mentioned?

In which case, you asked him to tell the truth. He told the truth. Strange choice of words above, when you actually annoyed he told the truth.

Have to agree that it seems a bit controlling and looking for a reason.

Dial Hard · 30-12-2024 03:30AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123000019#Comment_123000019

Really? I'm reading a woman at the end of her tether and posting about the straws that are about to break the camel's back. I certainly don't get the impression that the few examples the OP has posted are the only things making her consider leaving her marriage.

OP, I get the impression you're a lot further along the road to ending the marriage than your husband is. His "I don't want to lie to my family" while doing exactly that seems very much like head-in-the-sand behaviour to me. Like "If I keep telling everyone about future plans we have, then nothing will happen!" kind of thinking. May I ask if you've ever been to couple's counselling? It doesn't sound like it, and if not, that should 100% be your next move. I've just re-read your post and it genuinely sounds to me like his family and his way of dealing with your (plural) relationship with them is the major issue here, not you two as a unit. At the very least I'd be booking in for a few sessions.

thefa · 30-12-2024 05:35AM

There was advice in your two previous threads not to let your relationship be damaged due to your issues with the sister in law but it still seems to be a factor.

I think it’s pretty clear that your husband wants an amicable relationship between all and is caught in the middle. He’s over shared with them from your perspective on at least a couple of occasions and broke some trust but not out of any badness in my opinion. Even the mention of your job offer sounds like he was trying to big you up, no less in front of his sister who you said would make comments putting you down.

I think a part of you may want him to cut ties with his family (or at least the sister) which looks quite unlikely at this stage. I agree with the above point that some of what he is saying in terms of holidays makes it sound like he is not as far down the line with the idea of separation as you. The idea of couples counseling sounds good.

clarerose · 30-12-2024 09:11AM

Thanks all. For context we spent about 7 months with Accord in marriage counselling and it didn't work. I tried so hard with him. Counsellor practically gave up trying to get him to see any sense in the end. I felt like he kept sabotaging every chance created. I feel like he wants the idea of a relationship with me, rather than actually being with me.

flanna01 · 30-12-2024 09:16AM

Storm in a tea cup stuff really…

Sounds like normal mundane dinner table conversation to me..?

The Mrs looking at another job, having a ganders at the cost of a trip to the States…. Typical chit chat around the table?

Anybody with basic conversation skills, could turn that around at the click of their finger..

''Ah shur, we'll see what the upper half are getting paid - No harm in having a nosey is there….''

That one sentence makes the whole job topic non-committal & totally unimportant.

Same as the holiday 'chit chat'

''Shur, it would be cheaper to fly to the moon than visit Trumpy in America.. Could get a lovely 3 piece for less, you know yourself…''

Again, turn the topic into a bit of non committal banter - it's really not that difficult.

I suggest you may be papering over the cracks to some extent..? Maybe you are the one looking for reason(s) to blame your Hubby for your unhappiness in the relationship?

Going for a Family dinner with your in-laws isn't suggestive of you being openly unhappy with your other half?

You are coming across as being extremely over sensitive, or just lying to yourself?

If 'YOU' are unhappy with your relationship - YOU need to sit down with your Hubby and discuss your issues with him.

Don't blame him for being 'honest with his family' or blame him for the gross crime of 'discussing his holiday aspirations with others'.

Duvet Day · 30-12-2024 09:27AM

OP , he sounds like a man child to me, spineless. His first priority should be you and your children but he seems to be led and said by his sister etc. He shouldn't have mentioned your job proposition at all , I'd be fuming about that as it's private and none of their business.

The same with the holiday, they're going to keep on about it now and it's not even a definite plan, no doubt it will be your fault if it doesn't go ahead.

I think you're done tbh, he sounds like another child rather than a supportive partner. The family dynamic will never change imo, he will never back you over them. Personally I couldn't stick the lack of support or the continuous struggle with his family, I wouldn't stay for more of it as you'll never win.

osarusan · 30-12-2024 09:40AM

Those two incidents alone might not seem like much, but in the context of a parriage on the brink of ending over family interference, and your explicit request that he not mention things, it seems like he either:

- does not appreciate how much this is all affecting you and how close the marriage is to ending (which seems unlikely after all the councelling)

or

- he too has chosen sides, and it's not your side. Certainly, he has no respect for your requests to keep certain things private. I'd be disgusted about the mention of your job offer in particular.

Hannibal_Smith · 30-12-2024 09:42AM

When I asked him later why he did this, he said that he can't lie to his family.

Had you been researching a holiday in the US?

Are you afraid the sister in law will go back and pass information on to your own family? Is that why you have such a strong reaction to him telling them things?

Have you both seen a couples counsellor? It might be worth looking into that rather than a holiday. It can be difficult to repair a relationship yourselves when you're both not completely understanding where the other is coming from.

It's so annoying when your partner blurts something out when you asked them not to. But you could also be over examining everything right now to justify the separation. Equally if you're going through difficulties it doesn't take much of a straw to break the camel's back.

If you having tried couples counselling maybe explore the option together. Things will not get magically better on their own.

CramCycle · 30-12-2024 09:53AM

TBH it sounds like you want out, and that should be enough once it has been over a period of time. What he did in the grand scheme of things at the family party was wrong but not enough to break up a relationship, the bigger issue is him choosing family over you in every scenario.

Firstly, if you don't get on with them, you shouldn't go to these things. They will know you don't, just make up a flimsy excuse (sore throat, cough, stomach issues) and leave it at that, why put yourself or them through it. This is of course if you stay together. They will not care, and if he cares, he will put them in their place if they pass comment but either way, you won't be there to find out or know.

Secondly, just tell him, do a trial separation, give each other a list of things that would have to change for it to work. I know two couples who separated and eventually got back together, better than ever. Hands on my heart, did not see that coming but both halves became more suitable for each other. This said, most will seperate and that will be that, play nice for the kids, don't try to win every argument and make sure the kids see you being fair and decent because you don't want your in laws views of you to be justified in your kids eyes.

clarerose · 30-12-2024 10:07AM

..deleted.

Hannibal_Smith · 30-12-2024 10:25AM

If you feel the marriage is over, it's natural to feel worried or apprehensive about the next steps. They are big steps to take, but they're possible steps.

You say you don't want the kids to lose their home or live with you and your husband 50:50, but they are all things that get worked out as part of the process. The option of keeping everyone where they are benefits no one, especially the children.

Do you have a friend or family member you could talk to?

Akrasia · 30-12-2024 10:27AM

Sorry, why would you move back into the bed but rule out any prospect of intimacy?

My question to you, is what is your husband 'allowed' to share with his family about your marriage difficulties. Is he allowed to tell his family (or anyone else) that you're sleeping in separate rooms and on the brink of separation?

Big Bag of Chips · 30-12-2024 10:28AM

Clarerose, have you ever had individual counselling for yourself? I think you would hugely benefit. You have a lot of trauma in your background. From your previous threads it looked like your husband was supporting you. You were advised that he could continue a relationship with his family but you don't have to. Why are you going to family dinners? Just stay away from them. You don't have to play that game.

You can't dictate to him that he doesn't have a relationship with them. But you can cut them out yourself. The conversations were very very benign. "Safe" conversations if anything. But you are so far down the road of wanting nothing to do with them, and him, that you are trying to control everything. You want them to know nothing at all about you. That's not really possible in a family situation where you all sit around talking. It's one thing to keep sensitive or private information from them but general holiday chit-chat is not sensitive or private. If you end up separating before the summer then holiday discussion will be irrelevant.

I think you have a lot of unresolved trauma from your own family and you have brought it in to your marriage. I think you can't be happy. You can't allow yourself that and as a result you are sabotaging your own relationships. I don't doubt his family cause problems. But they are HIS family and you really don't have to have them as a big presence in your life. You can have an arms-length relationship with them, or cut them out completely.

I think your husband has actually checked out too. I think he's done. You say he didn't try anything from counselling, but I'd guess his perspective on your marriage problems is very different to your perspective. And neither of you are wrong. You both just have different experiences.

I think you need to attend counselling for yourself, to work out why you also sabotage relationships. I can't remember if alcoholism was a factor in your family growing up, but if it was you should look in to Al-Anon. Those scars run deep and it's impossible to heal without some outside guidance. It's too easy to get caught in the victim mindset and blame others for our shortcomings. At the very least look into counselling for yourself. Find a good counsellor who will force you to face your issues. Without that you will never heal. And your life will never be peaceful.

jackboy · 30-12-2024 10:36AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123000216#Comment_123000216

These stories are making your behaviour seem worse than his. His head may be totally fried by your weird demands and erratic behaviour. Your trial basis back in the room really sounds like a trial for him, he was probably relieved when you went back to the spare room.

Sounds like he just says as little as possible at this stage so as not to make things worse.

mykrodot · 30-12-2024 10:38AM

You have already made up your mind OP, that is clear. Nobody here on Boards.ie knows the entire situation. Most of us have not read previous threads (no have the time to do so) so we are only going on what is in this thread. This is only the tip of the iceberg.

Separate. You are done. Make plans, make it happen, stop trying . When you're mind is made up and your partner is actually turning you off (parading around naked) its time to call it a day.

He doesn't sound like a bad guy, just stubborn and stuck in a rut, maybe suffering in his own way too. Be warned that the grass is not always greener. I separated 25 years ago and never met anyone as decent or good as the man I married , despite a few relationships. We broke up because we lost a child, he remarried, we are still great friends. But its a sadness particularly at this time of year, weddings, when grandkids come along etc. The person you had your children with will always be special.

Do what is right for you, stop asking strangers on the internet who only pick up on bits and pieces and don't know the full story. You know deep down how you feel better than any of us.

Musicrules · 30-12-2024 10:54AM

He's a very disrespectful individual and it really seems like he doesn't care enough about you. Why wouldn't he put on a pair of jocks? You've given him enough chances, he wouldn't even cooperate in your marriage counselling. You're clearly down his list of priorities. You know it's time to separate but try to create an amicable atmosphere for your kids, he'll probably make this difficult. You don't have to have any visits to his family after the separation.

clarerose · 30-12-2024 11:20AM

Thanks for replies.

To clarify about the bedroom thing - I went back to the room on the basis that we could take it slowly, see if something might evolve. Create a small level of intimacy by sleeping adjacent without s*x initially or anything, as it had been 1 year since we were previously intimate. Maybe intimacy could have built from sleeping side by side but it felt like sleeping beside a stranger, not to mention the sheer fear I had when he was sleeping naked and walking around naked. He has done things in his sleep previously unawares, so I felt very insecure beside him for that week while he refused to cover up.

Yes I believe our marriage is over. I don't feel like I am a priority to him & I feel that his family will always take precedent. His whole life revolves around them and dinners with them and events with them etc. I'm over it all tbh and at the end of my tether and very upset.

El Gato De Negocios · 30-12-2024 11:28AM

Family dynamics can be weird. Based on your OP, the grievance in this thread is pretty trivial in the grand scheme but if you've been sleeping apart and not being intimate for the best part of a year, the marriage is over already so you need to make the decision to formally end things. It sounds like you've already decided so why keep things going and putting yourself in situations that give you anxiety?

drury.. · 30-12-2024 12:38PM

Trivial ?

Confidentiality is important to me in a relationship and probably a deal breaker

Words spoken can have consequences and I expect a partner not to share when asked

...Ghost... · 30-12-2024 01:21PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123000341#Comment_123000341

I mean this with the greatest of respect and it has already been suggested above, but it really sounds like you would benefit from some individual counselling. I am also not intending to minimise your emotions, but this needs to be pointed out.

Your aim and language throughout has been to blame everyone else, not take any responsibility for your part and you are basing EVERYTHING off feelings, how you "feel" or how you "felt" etc etc. Look at your most recent post as an example. You mention the feeling of fear when your husband was sleeping naked. He is your husband and you decided to be sleeping "adjacent" to him. You "felt very insecure beside him". You don't "feel like" you are a priority and that his family take precedent. You feel very upset.

I would suggest that ending your marriage would not improve how you feel, but I am only an observer and don't know any real detail. It can sometimes help to step outside of yourself and try to see the dynamics from the perspective of a third person. What would you see if you couldn't feel and you were an observer with a fly on the wall view?

Regarding the couples counselling. I have experience with Accord and my experience was positive. However, I note that it's a cheap substitute to an experienced counselling service, because the counsellors there tend to be getting experience, same as you might get a free haircut in a hair dressing school.

The counsellor I worked with was OK, but made comments and suggestions outside of what a counsellor should have. She was completely on my side too, which I think is something an experienced counsellor wouldn't make so obvious. If progress is not had with a counsellor after half a dozen sessions, another should be considered imo. I do think some individual sessions for you would be of great benefit…with a different counsellor than the one you saw. My advice is to be upfront and not use them as a shoulder. They and you can then work faster to get to the bottom of the problem(s).

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123000175#Comment_123000175

This is terrible advice and sounds projectionist to me. If the OP feels that her husband is prioritising his parents/siblings, that does not make it fact. When feeling low, it's common to think the world is against you.

Why shouldn't her husband have benign conversation with his family? Private would be discussing difficulties in the bedroom, not holiday browsing and job offers. The OP obviously doesn't want her inlaws knowing anything about her, or her family for that matter and that is its own problem. I gather from another poster that this issue was detailed in another thread about the Sister-in-Law, who I would assume is the alleged "bully" from the OP.

I partially agree that the OP is done, but I don't think your advice to walk away (suggestive) or insults toward her Husband (calling him a "man child") are in any way helpful, or well meaning. I would go as far as to suggest your advice is toxic and I don't know whether it comes from experience, or complete lack of it. I hope the OP can see this too and not be drawing further negative emotion from it.

...Ghost... · 30-12-2024 01:28PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123000498#Comment_123000498

"a partner". I am going to guess you are single based on that, but still you are entitled to your point of view.

I would counter by saying that if my partner asked me to not talk to my side of the family about us looking at holiday destinations, or a recent job offer, there would be a proper conversation to be had, because it's not a request, it's a form of control and abuse.

If there was good reason, I would need to know. I can't see any good reason, but I do see that the OP essentially did not want the in-laws to know anything about what was going on with her family. Sounds more like a dinner where you have very small talk with strangers at a wedding rather than a family dinner.

The OP needs to ask herself why she made this request and seek an honest answer to it.

Husband sharing private information with his family

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