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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #5912
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Sometimes Bigfoot is confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5913
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,491 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.



  • #5914
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,491 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    When we were young, my mum used to give us supplements and vitamins.
    Nearly chocked on the tv guide.



  • #5915
    RayCon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,940 ✭✭✭RayCon


    Do you know what Pavarotti's Wife gets every Christmas since he passed away ?

    A smaller Turkey.



  • #5916
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 971 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I saw an ear doctor today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion.

    Why on earth would I need a heron egg?



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  • #5917
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,064 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I have just finished my sandwich degree.

    I do my final eggs ham tomorrow

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5918
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 971 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.

    It's very rewarding, but quite challenging - took me ages to get her husband's voice right.



  • #5919
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 971 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The lead singer of Pulp has released a new album consisting of nothing but rooster noises.

    Seriously, is there no limit to what that Cocker dude'll do?



  • #5920
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,926 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    FOR SALE.
    Harry Potter ball games.
    A quid each



  • #5921
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,064 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Someone's just beaten me with a map of belgium... and now I'm all covered in brugeses

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



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  • #5922
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 971 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I was taken off a plane in handcuffs and put on a no-fly list.

    All I did was greet my friend Jack.



  • #5923
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,064 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    A little bee dressed as a builder walks into a pub, carrying some wooden poles, some branches and some twigs.
    The landlord says "wattle it, bee".

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5924
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 971 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour...

    Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.



  • #5925
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,064 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    McDonald's should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.

    Call it the McCrib.

    Post edited by everlast75 on

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5926
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,064 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I just bought a new perfume called 'Christmas Donkey'.

    It's by Christian D'Eyore..

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5927
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,064 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Mortal Kombat was actually based on a Scandinavian church song.

    It was a Finnish hymn.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5928
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,064 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    lance armstrong leaving divorce court on a unicycle

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5929
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 971 ✭✭✭xlogo


    This morning, I was walking down the street and I was hit by a violin, then a clarinet, and then a french horn!

    I think it was an orchestrated attack.



  • #5930
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,926 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Whenever I see my wife and her sister together I wonder where Cinderella is.



  • #5931
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,926 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realise it's not just some days...



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  • #5932
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,064 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I’ve put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and funky music.

    Is this the winter of my disco tent?

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5933
    Fishdoodle
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 560 ✭✭✭Fishdoodle


    Why did the baby cookie cry?

    Because its mother was a wafer so long.



  • #5934
    Fishdoodle
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 560 ✭✭✭Fishdoodle


    How long is a Chinese name.



  • #5935
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,064 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Mathematicians get their kicks on 8.1240384.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5936
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,064 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

    I must have been sleep wokking again.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5937
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,491 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    The worst thing about Christmas for me? Pigs in blankets. Or as some people call them, in-laws sleeping in the spare room.



  • #5938
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,064 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I just tried to divide a Coke Zero between two glasses and the can exploded

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5939
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,064 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    CHRISTMAS FACT:

    Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5940
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 971 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Went to see the band Placebo recently...

    ...thinking it was The Cure.



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  • #5941
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,198 ✭✭✭Deregos.


    I prefer to be honest about my dermatitis (flaking skin condition) . . rather than just sweeping it under the carpet.



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