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Girlfriend has personal issues - Advice Needed

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Comments

  • #32
    spaceHopper
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,154 ✭✭✭spaceHopper


    Don't bring children into a bad relationship, it has never made things better. Epically for the man. Sorry to say this but there are so many red flags. She doesn't trust you, she's possessive, controlling. She has issues with intimacy. She's manipulating you into getting married. Ask yourself are you wasting your time with this relationship?



  • #33
    Hooked
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,908 ✭✭✭Hooked


    I'm gonna be blunt…

    You are NOT almost 2 years into a relationship with an amazing woman…

    You're 2 years into a relationship with a grown adult that has a LOT of personal issues. An adult you've tried, at length, to help - and then - to appease. And that "enabling" has to stop.

    My wife is great friends with her ex. An ex that lives in the same locale. Would I dare to tell her to stop seeing him? Would I feck. We all have a past. And yet you stopped communicating with someone that's on the other side of the globe? Says as much about you as it does your partner. So SO many red flags. By all means continue to un-bruise this apple… but under no circumstances should you marry her, have kids with her or have her living in a house you own.

    What you're describing above is the natural end of a relationship OP. Almost no sex. Needy. No self-confidence. Past trauma. Checking your phone and telling you who to speak to. The list goes on.

    Just be thankful that you're walking CLEANLY away from a valiant effort on your part.

    No house? No marriage? No kids?

    No question. It's over.



  • #34
    John_Rambo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,425 ✭✭✭✭John_Rambo


    This isn't going to be popular with the cynics and skeptics, but there's a good chance things will calm down if you commit, buy a house, get married and have kids. You're almost 40, get stuck in.



  • #35
    hello2020
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 269 ✭✭hello2020


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122936045#Comment_122936045

    I am someone who always advocate against separation but in this case there is no relationship.

    You are sounding too desperate to settle down but imagine the situation where you will have to leave this hard-earned house in case of breakup and watch your partner enjoy it with new friend !



  • #36
    Anon_Anon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10 ✭Anon_Anon


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122940006#Comment_122940006

    Thank. Well her biggest issue was that I didn't tell her I was meeting up with someone. My girlfriend insists that I lied to her and went to see someone behing her back.

    Perhaps I should have but I could sense what her reaction would be. However, she also read on the messages that it was purely friends only. I told my ex that I was going out with someone.



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  • #37
    jj880
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,371 ✭✭✭jj880


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122940180#Comment_122940180

    get stuck in

    This isnt a buffet.

    OP please think very carefully before following advice like this.

    I know people that dream of a time machine because thats the only thing that will save them now. Dont hitch your wagon to a wrongun. You will regret it.



  • #38
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,659 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122940180#Comment_122940180

    There's a big difference between settling down, and settling. The OP would be doing the latter if he followed your advice, and nobody should ever settle. That way lies loneliness, resentment and a sh!t tonne of regret.



  • #39
    beachhead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,489 ✭✭✭beachhead


    Pay attention to #4

    Do not get married to this lady.Apart the sexual abuse issues Asian women are generally very jealous and suspicious.Constantly needing re-assurance of love is normal behaviour.Checking your phone is normal.Wanting to know what you are doing when out of their presence is normal.If,you get married you will have multiple times the same issues and more with her family.Finally,the end of intimate relations means she has a monetary interest in you,only.You need to make a decision on the relationship very soon.



  • #40
    Anon_Anon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10 ✭Anon_Anon


    Thanks everyone for all the responses. It's actually quite surprising that almost everyone has the same view.

    It's a very difficult situation. That first year was great for me so it's not easy. But her issues and the way she treats me really affect our relationship.

    It's really beneficial to hear other people's opinions on this.



  • #41
    Anon_Anon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10 ✭Anon_Anon


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122940469#Comment_122940469

    She's actually from Brazil, not Asia



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  • #42
    Hooked
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,908 ✭✭✭Hooked


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122940761#Comment_122940761

    that’s because we (a) haven’t the rose tinted glasses on, and (b) most of us… definitely myself, have probably been in ‘that’ situation….

    It’s hard to let go. It’s even harder when everyone but you can see it. I’ve been that soldier.


    going on 10 years happily, no blissfully married. And I almost settled after a 7 year investment.

    In hindsight… all the signs were there. As they are for you OP



  • #43
    thereiver
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,370 ✭✭✭thereiver


    You are past the honeymoon period maybe look for another therapist. It sounds like you are failing out of love with her .she has issues of trust .if she longer wants to have sex with you that's a red flag .I don't think you should let her live in the new house with you unless theres a major improvement in her attitude .you are not a nurse doctor therapist .it sounds like she wants to be married my advice is give her a few months if these issues can't be sorted out break up with her .she may be depressed over past trauma .looking at your phone is a red flag she does not trust you .or she is paranoid .

    Sex is a major emotional connection point for men women maybe she no longer finds you attractive or she has mental health issue,s that need to be resolved .

    Search ruby Wax podcasts mental health she trained as a therapist she talks about mental health issues

    You don't seem to be getting much out of this relationship except stress or negative feedback



  • #44
    YellowLead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,023 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122940761#Comment_122940761

    One year vs the rest of your whole life…please take heed. Everything can look exciting at first but then things get real and that’s where the meat is. In this case, the meat has soured and is not going to nourish you but make you sick.
    Bear in mind also the fact she needs a man to stay in Ireland and have any quality of life according to what you’ve said. Has she made any plans to improve her work prospects in the time you’ve known her? I’m not saying she is on the make, but whenever there is such an imbalance like this - one does need to be sure the feelings are genuine on the side of the person with the most to gain/lose. Something to consider. Especially as there is already selfishness in evidence.

    Post edited by YellowLead on


  • #45
    marilynrr
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 754 ✭✭✭marilynrr


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122940216#Comment_122940216

    In fairness a lot of people would have an issue with their boyfriend/girlfriend meeting up with an ex, especially if they hid it. I would consider that to be a lie too.

    But aside from that there are too many issues here and she is taking a huge step back from the relationship unless you commit further, that's a huge risk to take.



  • #46
    xyz13
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 336 ✭✭xyz13


    Here

    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122940832#Comment_122940832

    Didn't take long for xenophobic comments to start appearing.

    OP: personal issues aside, rest assured your girlfriend doesn't need a man to stay in Ireland [for quality of life lol]. She holds a working visa = is on the path to acquire permanent residency in her own right. 3 or 5 years, it's a matter of time.

    Post edited by xyz13 on

    www.concertarchives.org/novblues



  • #47
    GiftofGab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,490 ✭✭✭GiftofGab


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122941524#Comment_122941524

    Edit

    Post edited by GiftofGab on


  • #48
    Sunny Disposition
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,982 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    An awful lot of red flags there. Asking you not to use your phone when she's not looking….

    Come on, I think you know that the relationship has to end. For whatever reason she's not able for it, she will destroy your life if you stay with her. I'd imagine you know that deep down.

    Don't ruin your life.



  • #49
    Darmac84
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33 ✭Darmac84


    Sounds like the relationship isn't how she imagined so she thinks marriage will be and if that's not fulfilling enough she'll then push for kids shortly after and then after marriage kids house etc she still won't be happy and will look elsewhere cause it all be your fault she not happy, but you still be stuck to her through children for years till kids are adults, you have all red flags use them wisely, that's not your future story above its mine past and present and I choose to ignore the red flags believing she would one day be happy and got dumped but stuck, sound like she needs serious therapy and if she refuses sorry to say you should walk, , she not a child and your not responsible for making everything OK in her life she needs work on herself



  • #50
    beachhead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,489 ✭✭✭beachhead


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122940765#Comment_122940765

    Same applies.Thanks for your observance and good luck in the future.



  • #51
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,191 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    If it was a woman posting she'd be advised to drop.him and his controlling ways and it has to be the exact same advise fir you Op.

    You're only 40. Don't rush into this because you think time is running out or short. Your life,I.o, will be truly miserable I'd you stay with and marry this woman.

    Listen to your gut. You sound like.someone who deserves much better than her.



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  • #52
    eurozonelady
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 49 ✭eurozonelady


    If a partner is trying to manipulate you or vice versa, if you're allowing yourself to be manipulated then you both have red flags. Partnerships should allow room to grow into compatibility naturally not with ultimatums.

    Childhood trauma- not a red flag. A partner opening up to you shows honesty and vulnerability and gives you the chance to show love and support which is intimacy and trust and everything that builds a strong bond.

    Do follow your gut. Be mature. You should know definitely after 2 years together if you are both in your thirties. I would also recommend living with someone before marriage. If either of you are in 20s then maybe insecurities come from lack of maturity etc



  • #53
    thereiver
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,370 ✭✭✭thereiver


    She sounds controlling and negative she doesn't trust you to use your phone alone she's not trying hard to go to counseling she sounds like she comes from a traditional background that places emphasis on marriage she has issues she maybe traumatized I think once a woman starts to avoid having sex it's massive red flag is this a failing relationship when trust is gone and theres no sex going on what have you got left I think you know this relationship is on the rocks you are maybe trying to think is there a graceful to break up

    In the eyes off the law your wife if you got married is entitled to your assets or part of the house theres too many red flags here

    Why would you want to stay with someone who doe,s not trust you life is short you may be be better off breaking up and finding someone who does trust you and finds you sexy attractive

    And is not trying to control you

    l



  • #54
    J Mysterio
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,180 ✭✭✭✭J Mysterio


    Just to point out a few things from my experience:

    1. As opposed to Irish people who will know they are in a relationship without having to explicitly say it, Brazilian women expect you to formally ask them 'will you be my girlfriend', and this is a milestone in the relationship.

    2. Social media posting of yourselves together etc. is seen as a confirmation and validation of the relationship.

    3. Brazilian's can be quite 'Christian traditional' in many ways, also with regard to e.g. moving in together. Equally, you may not be able to share the same bed as an unmarried couple if you were to visit her parents in Brazil.

    4. Brazilian's are very touchy feely in relationships, and hand holding etc. is normal

    5. Overt romantic gestures mean a lot and things like anniversaries (first date, boyfriend/ girlfriend), Valentines Day, etc. are important.

    Brazilian women can be quite clingy, but you do need to be firm in areas and her checking your phone etc. is unacceptable and that needs to be made clear.

    Most Brazilians seem to be quite hard working and dedicated. They can put a lot of work in to making it to Europe, and that often involves a period of working hard to save money to be able to get started here, beyond the necessary forms etc. Once here, they often have to take on jobs most of us would not consider e.g. cleaner, home support, delivery drivers, etc., and they generally get on with it without a fuss, but it can be difficult to regularise their situation here as work permits are often for part time work tied with study, or are time limited before they must either study again, or get a role which is deemed as essential by the government.

    I admire your support for this person's trauma, which is not something I have experience with, but be careful not to develop the saviour complex. A relationship should be between adults who are equals in esteem, and you are not a charity or a support service.

    I would suggest that living together before marriage is very important, as that is how people get to truly know one another. I would say not to get engaged before you live together - you need to keep perspective and respect yourself and what you have achieved. If this person is right for you, she has to understand this.

    ------------

    Generalisations are not permitted in this forum. Warning applied.

    Post edited by Hannibal_Smith on


  • #55
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 8,148 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    Mod - Some posts deleted. PI is an advice forum, not a discussion forum.

    As per the charter, posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.

    If unfamiliar with the charter, please read it before posting.
    Thank you.



  • #56
    Peppermint23
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23 ✭Peppermint23


    Whatever you do - do not get married now as things stand. It will not end well.

    As awful as her experience of SA is, she can’t use you as a punching bag and needs to find a therapist who specialises in this area to help her deal with these issues.

    It sounds like she has a lot of past trauma which she hasn’t either sought help for or worked through. If I’m honest she should work on these issues before even getting involved in a relationship in the first place never mind thinking of marriage. For her sake also as well as yours.



  • #57
    thereiver
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,370 ✭✭✭thereiver


    Its a red flag she,s not trying to get counselling for her past issues, sexual abuse. Once a couple stop having sex thats a major red flag.Theres plenty of counsellors avaidable if she wants to get treatment.She do,esnt trust you checking your phone is a red flag.Theres too many issues here with lack of trust and lack of affection.

    i think you could say i,ll give you 3 months to get counselling and change your behavior you should not be checking my phone .If you don,t trust me then why are you in a relationship with me. She should get treatment and deal with her issues properly i don,t think she,s ready for a real mature relationship and sex is a vital part of a romantic relationship otherwise you may as well live with a room mate who will at least pay rent.

    Do not even talk about marriage it sounds like you are not getting alot out of this relationship .

    She may come from a traditional backround like you should not be having sex unless you are married so she,s avoiding sex or she associates sex with past trauma issues



  • #58
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 8,148 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    Mod - As the OP has not returned to the thread for some time, I'm closing it at this point. OP, if you wish to have the thread reopened, please PM me or any of the PI mods.

    Thanks all who took time to give advice.



This discussion has been closed.
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