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Relationship woe

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Comments

  • #32
    jackboy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,013 ✭✭✭jackboy


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662893#Comment_122662893

    As well as that she may be getting pressures and bad reviews at work for heading home early every day. Her team may not respect her and can rightly refuse to do no more than the bare minimum as she does not put in the hours.

    Realistically it sounds like she she is not able to commit to her job and probably should request a role will less responsibility. That or get the OP to step back at work.



  • #33
    Joe286
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 117 ✭✭Joe286


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122661495#Comment_122661495

    Agree totally. Post natal depression. Insist she does therapy too. Hold the line. Stay put.

    Give it six months. If she hasn't improved or gone to therapy then go

    Disrupting your child's life is a big thing.

    I presume the other two kids don't live with you?

    The first 3 years of any kids life is **** for the parents. People advising you to just cut and run are not taking into consideration the kid or how traumatic it would be for you all.



  • #34
    bear1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,900 ✭✭✭✭bear1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662893#Comment_122662893

    I’m not sure why we are comparing her job to mine but if you’re also saying I’ve wiggle room to work late then me doing that means less time helping at home so it doesn’t help.

    The other thing is that I also have to manage people and I have a process to ensure is done, if I just log off then no one is there to take over for me and that also means explaining to my manager why I just logged off.
    I work from the office and she works from home.
    I personally think drop offs are worse, you need to wake them up, you need to get them dressed when they don’t want to. You need to force them into the car and then listen to complaining they don’t want to go.

    Pick ups if you’ve traffic are stressful but I’d rather that then the morning



  • #35
    bear1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,900 ✭✭✭✭bear1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662949#Comment_122662949

    But this works both ways, if I was to do that then it would also be on me.

    It’s not like this was all dumped on the one person and I’ll say this again, as it seems to be getting missed, before September 1 it was me doing both drop offs and pick ups.
    Have I no recourse to say ok now we need to swap it up a bit?

    To step back from work, how would that reflect on me if barely a month into the role I flag I need to step back? Let’s be reasonable here.



  • #36
    bear1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,900 ✭✭✭✭bear1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662854#Comment_122662854

    I agree with you that we both should have sat down at the first and worked out the details but we just got caught up in the whirlwind of love and being on cloud 9 that it was sort of pushed down the road and we have both admitted we should have spoken more about it.

    It has impacted us both.

    hard to say re the marriage and the house. There were warning signs before the marriage but I put them down to nerves and general stress as we got married during the pandemic and she had some intense family issues on her end



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  • #37
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,389 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662997#Comment_122662997

    I'm trying to give you another outside perspective on how the creche runs were for me.

    I guarantee if you asked my partner he'd give you a different version of events as even now when I discuss how challenging it was when I was pregnant on the second child, he looks at me as if this is brand new information, despite me begging for change at the time.

    I have no idea of the ins and outs of your everyday life etc.

    Anything I've said you've said no that's not the case, or countered it with you have it just as bad or worse. Which maybe it is the case, however if this is how communication with your wife goes maybe she doesn't feel listened to.

    This is her first baby, everything is new to her. This is your third so maybe she expected more from you, I really don't know.

    Again as another poster pointed out, maybe critically look at the reasons your first marriage didn't succeed.....if you are hearing wife #2 repeating same stuff wife #1 said maybe you need to listen to what's being said.

    I don't know.

    Best of luck



  • #38
    jackboy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,013 ✭✭✭jackboy


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662999#Comment_122662999

    A couple chasing high flying careers cannot take care of children properly unless they have family who will step in to look after the children or they have enough money to pay someone to look after the children.

    It seems ye are trying to have it all but don't have the income to back up the lifestyle ye want. Ye will have to face reality at some point or your lives and the children's are going to suffer.



  • #39
    Joe286
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 117 ✭✭Joe286


    There has to be a solution. Can you not hire someone to do a pick up most days and mind kids for an hour?



  • #40
    marilynrr
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 755 ✭✭✭marilynrr


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662101#Comment_122662101

    She probably was seeking help though, from you.

    Yes maybe some medication or therapy could have helped somewhat, but what she probably felt like she needed most of all would been more support at home and you being there more giving her a break.

    I know if I was in that position I'd resent a partner if I thought they could things could be fixed with a pill when what I actually felt like I needed was support and a break.

    It seems like since then you've tried to do things that you should have done back then, but often doing things later on that you should have done before doesn't fix the issues at all, because the hurt, anger, resentment and trauma is all still there…hence why nothing you do now seems to have made a difference.

    Just to go back to your OP have you actually ended the relationship or where does it currently stand?



  • #41
    Dtp1979
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,920 ✭✭✭✭Dtp1979


    this woman seems like a lot of women now days who think they do the lions share of the work. Utterly deluded. But, the biggest issue here is she was threatening to throw a vase at you and she’s trying to tell you that you need counselling. Laughable and worrying.



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  • #42
    iniscealtra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 385 ✭✭iniscealtra


    From your posts OP you seem to be contributing and are flexible. Parenting is hard especially when both Parents work fulltime. Thís is the reality you both need to face. It certainly won’t be easier if you seperate. Try to change the mentality perhaps. Positive affirmations. We are so lucky. We own our own Home, isn’t (child’s name) so lucky to have Mam and Dad for cuddles. We also do something as a family every weekend just to break the routine - outdoor concert, walk in the woods with lunch on the way home, trip to the beach or lake, picnic. Make that a non-negotiable - family time away from the house. Then give each other an evening off to do something for yourselves. Maybe get a babysitter one evening a week for some time for yourselves as a couple - my parents did this when I was growing up every Thursday.

    Some suggestions to inject some joy. 🤞



  • #43
    bear1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,900 ✭✭✭✭bear1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122664508#Comment_122664508

    As of now I would say it’s on its last legs but I’m thinking of ways to see if we can get some sort of foundation to move forward so it’s not easy.



  • #44
    bear1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,900 ✭✭✭✭bear1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122664784#Comment_122664784

    I’ve brought it up a few times that that one event has really pulled me back from engaging.

    If you can’t control your anger to the point where you get close to physically hurting your partner then what’s to say it won’t happen again but this time actually go through with it?

    I understand emotions run high and there can be times you want to scream but that for me a red line



  • #45
    Maryanne 841
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6 ✭Maryanne 841


    Really sounds like Post Natal depression to me. Speak with your GP and take it from there. Left untreated, PND can wreak havoc in families. Best wishes.



  • #46
    marilynrr
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 755 ✭✭✭marilynrr


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122666809#Comment_122666809

    Is your wife on the same page as you? Does she want to try to give it one last go to save it?



  • #47
    spaceHopper
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,154 ✭✭✭spaceHopper


    My reading of this is, she might have postnatil depression or had it but did nothing about it. You do a lot to help out and to bring in more money but none of it is good enough for her. You're far to nice, so stop being nice, tell her you're pissed off too and why. Ask her if she was in your shoes what would she do. Would she put up with it?

    Then tell her if she want's to fix things she has to go to a Dr or somebody about her mood. She has to let go of any anger she's dreamed up about you. If you don't lake it clear that you won't accept bad behivour she'll never respect you or stop. She'll be pissed off about this but let it sick in for a few days and then see where she is. See if she'll talk to somebody about her own behavior or depression.



  • #48
    marilynrr
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 755 ✭✭✭marilynrr


    It could have started as postnatal depression and now all of the issues are bigger than that.

    Or the postnatal depression could have started as just needing a bit of support, not getting support from a partner makes PND more likely.



  • #49
    Joe286
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 117 ✭✭Joe286


    Only a medical professional can truly make a diagnosis. Throwing initials around the place isn't that helpful



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