Relationship woe

bear1

Can’t find the right place for this so I’ll just put the own to paper here.

I’ve got a seriously worrying situation within my marriage.

Long story short, we’ve been together 6+ years and married just over 2.

We have a 3 year old daughter and I’ve two children from a previous marriage.

I’ve a good job and I provide what I can for my patch work family.

Up until our own daughter was born my wife was a joy to be with. Would always have a laugh and always showed me love no matter what.

After the birth she changed and was agitated with almost every single thing I did.

Due to her maternity she took a financial hit so I had to make up the short fall by working longer hours which caused issues at home but I wasn’t really left with much choice.

The arguments got much more heated and last much longer and we both were and are guilty of it.

Eventually she told me her feelings and what she needed from me and so I did my best to meet them but felt she never met me half way with my own feelings.

Everything I did would still anger her and nothing I tried worked.

Eventually I started reaching out to therapists to see if maybe this could help but it never led to anywhere.

The last few weeks it has been getting worse and worse to the point I was told she wanted to separate.

Now I have been threatened with this many times and I warned the last time that if she said it again then I’d follow through.

I feel like my feelings simply don’t matter, there was a close call with violence as she almost threw a vase at me in anger.

This worries me.

She has literally begged me to go to therapy and after a while I simple wore out and agreed.

I feel I’ve made the wrong decision and don’t know how to get out of it now. I’m also aware I’d be essentially undateable and I’m preparing myself for a bit of a lonely time.

So everyone, would you have done like me or ended it there and then?

HildaOgdenx

Mod - OP I have moved your thread to PI, where it seems to be more suited, than AH.

Local charter now applies.
For anyone who is unfamiliar with the PI charter - please read it before you reply to the OP.

Thank you.

cj maxx

Op is there an age difference ? And also you say you have a good job . Was she in a good job when you met .
Pay no attention to the but it sounds like she wanted a baby daddy who could provide for her . As for her pushing you towards therapy , if you feel you needed it fine , otherwise I’d say you were gaslighted.

I’ve been there and it’s not your fault . Get legal advice and as much time as you can with your daughter .

road_high

she sounds like an awful dose. I’d let her swing and not indulge her nonsense a second longer - call her bluff.
She’s the one that should be in therapy not you

Purple Mountain

Two observations..

Was she ever diagnosed or considered post natal depression?

Oh course, she could just be nasty/angry but have hormones been ruled out since this change seemed to happen close after your daughter was born?

Second, put dating out of your mind right now. Your focus should be on the welfare and well-being of your 3 children.

StupidLikeAFox

"Due to her maternity she took a financial hit"

Do you mean we took a financial hit?

You don't really go in to what the arguments were about. Is it financial/social/stress type isses that's driving the arguments?

bartkingcole

When marriages break down there is always grey areas and no one is completely innocent or completely to blame.
The most important thing is to be calm and think of your daughter. That may mean leaving the family home for a period. If there are mental health issues (not necessarily you) then please talk to professionals and get advices.
The last thing you should be thinking about is your dating status post marriage or running to solicitors.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122661928#Comment_122661928

Not always . Sometimes it’s very black and white .

marilynrr

@cj maxx

It probably wasn't black and white in this case. It's pretty normal for women to hate their partner after giving birth. Various reasons like hormones, postnatal depression, sleep deprivation etc or maybe other reasons like their partner isn't supporting them.

Sounds like they had a great relationship before and I very much doubt this woman just decided to start being horrible and ruin her family after having a baby. The OP said she begged him to go to therapy so I'd imagine her side is very different.

Many relationships don't survive rough periods because neither react in the right way and then they both make each other worse and then react to the other.

As for your comment about if she pushed him to therapy and he didn't think he needed it then he was probably gaslighted….well many of the people who definitely need it are the exact ones who think that they don't.

@bear1

I think you've definitely made the right decision. At the point that it's at then it's too toxic to continue. You say she almost threw a vase at your head. The next time it could hit you, or the kids could witness it, or worse. When relationships get to this state the issues don't just resolve themselves.

whelan2

We've only one side of the story here.

Andrea B.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122661971#Comment_122661971

I think that has been the norm in this forum. No one is passing sentence.

iniscealtra

Is your aige back at work now and is your daughter in chíldcare?

Do ye both pitch in financially and care wise.
It’s her first child. That is a huge change. What were her expectations?

Forget dating. You have three children to raise and a relationship to work on.
Should ye not go to counselling together as a family?

bear1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122661396#Comment_122661396

yes, I’m about 7 years older than her.

When we met we were both in low paid jobs and then gradually we built up.

Now I’m a manager in the financial market and she’s a team lead

bear1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122661495#Comment_122661495

No, she diagnosed herself and wouldn’t seek help.

At the time I was less at home than I should have been but I had to make up the shortfall and also couldn’t fully abandon the other two children which I believe she resents me for

bear1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122661910#Comment_122661910

Yes we took a hit, should have made that clearer but we have split assets so it just comes naturally at this stage that I think in different terms.

Yes finances play a big role but tbh we bought a house last year and all our savings went into it and it’s tricky to build them back up but we aren’t starving

bear1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122661971#Comment_122661971

I cannot speak for her but her issues revolve a lot around my past relationship, the kids that I have, the not being there enough after birth and then all the financial issues afterwards.

She feels I haven’t done anything to address her concerns whereas I have been trying and trying to get in her shoes and do things more.

Most of the house chores are on me, I try my best to be around as much as I can after work but I do see her side but the problem is that only one side is being seen.

Last week I wrote out my feelings because we simply can’t communicate and instead of listening I was smirked and eye rolled at.

So you can say there’s two sides to the story but I’m also trying to portray both

bear1

I think I jumped the gun on the whole dating thing, I was also writing it with a bit of emotion on my mind so forget that part

bear1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662023#Comment_122662023

She is and our daughter is in school and yes we cover everything financially.

Counselling was offered and declined until I called her bluff with ending things.

Counselling doesn’t solve violence. Even if in the end she threw the vase back onto the island in the kitchen, it’s the fact that she wanted to that concerns me heavily

NiceFella

It sounds like you are making a good go of trying to fix things and she is behaving like a child. Ultimatum time. You either get her to go to counseling or you get out. Clearly has serious anger problems throwing vases. Who would put up with that crap.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662109#Comment_122662109

What does " I try to be around after work as much as I can" mean?

Who is responsible for child drop offs and collections?

If you're not coming home straight from work what are you doing? How many days a week are you not home straight from work.

When mine were in creche the collections fell pretty much 100% on me. It was the most stressful time. If anything went wrong during the day you were in total panic mode trying to get it wrapped up before legging it out the door ...or worse leaving it half fixed to be faced first thing in the morning....the stress of that hanging over you then dealing with a small child who probably doesn't want to be fed/go to bed etc.

You said she's a team leader so she has lots of balls in the air.

I suspect she's completely overwhelmed and probably a touch of post natal depression. The thing about being overwhelmed, someone saying "I've put the dishwasher on" or whatever doesn't really help as your mind is just so "busy" you're spiralling.

I do think she needs to talk to someone. However I do think you need to figure out how much time she's spending being 100% alone with the child...chores never bothered me, but I'm the type of person that closes a door and forgets about them. Being the parent that was doing the lions share of parenting completely bothered me as I felt so trapped. The house became a cage. It wasn't so much wanting to head off doing stuff, just very simple things like having a cup of tea after a long day while the other parent could deal with whatever upset was happening....if you are the only one in the house you never get that mental switch off!

Hannibal_Smith

She's really angry and we could be all day guessing why but somethings been triggered. Maybe she had expectations that when your daughter was born your family would be the center of your world, but instead it was the opposite. Was the company not topping up the maternity benefit? Was there a need to work so much to top up the finances?

Either way, that was 3 years ago. Its time to deal with that anger and move past it. The eye rolling, the near throwing of the vase that's an anger level that needs professional help to quell, in my opinion anyway. It's going to keep festering otherwise. When you say counselling, is it couples counselling?

bear1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662195#Comment_122662195

well hold on now.

I also said I’m a manager so it’s not like I don’t also have balls in the air.

I do the drop offs and she does the pick ups.

Up until the 1 September I did the pick ups and drop offs, I did the cooking and cleaning. I changed jobs on the 1st and that has caused me to not be able to do all of those things.

I’m home later because of trainings and not because I’m out meeting friends, the moment I’m finished I rush home and immediately take over the chores

bear1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662205#Comment_122662205

Yeah couples.

I tried to make it the centre of my world. I tried to take us all away for time off, abroad to relax. Asked my parents to help out so we could have some time just the two of us so I have been trying

Hannibal_Smith

She feels I haven’t done anything to address her concerns whereas I have been trying and trying to get in her shoes and do things more.

Sometimes I find in our marriage anyway, there are times when I have concerns over something and my husband will go about fixing it. Which is great obviously, at least he's not ignoring my concerns, but although he's doing something it's not quite what I asked for. Like when the kids were young, I may have needed him to help and like just hold or stay with the baby for a an hour or two, but he'll help by like bringing the bins out or something practical like that 😃. It's the old cliche of like when people are coming over and you're doing everything to get the house spic and span and he's fixing the tile that's been hanging off the roof for the past 6 months.

I'm not excusing her anger towards you. I would hate to be talking to someone and they eye rolled at me. And the vase, even the fact it was a possibility is too far. So couples counselling is a good, mature, positive move. You'll both soon find out what each others issue is precisely. Good luck with it.

HazeDoll

OP, are you living in Ireland? Or are you living somewhere that doesn't have proper employment laws around pregnancy and maternity leave?

I can imagine that, from her point of view, she made sacrifices to have the baby and it resulted in an unequal relationship. She resents this, understandably.

You had the option to change jobs because she would be there to pick up the kid after school (unless she's also responsible for picking up the two other kids that are not biologically hers).

She HAS to be home so you can stay late for training. As a result of the training your career will advance, her progress will be much slower because she doesn't have the chance to do courses etc. outside of work hours.

Maybe, under the circumstances, she is wondering what exactly you're bringing to the equation.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662322#Comment_122662322

Well none of us really know!

We can just offer our lived experience.

I know for me I found drop offs the easiest part. I'm an early riser anyway, drop offs really just added an extra 30 mins to my morning routine. Once they were in creche that was me done, I could relax into the day, I could take a more relaxed lunch, if someone came to my desk looking for stuff, I could usually say no problem as I knew I wasn't under pressure to get wrapped up by 4!

When I got home the baby was mostly settled and close to bed.

Even on the days he did collection and I worked "late" I was still home around an hour or two earlier than he would be when I did collections.

For me and this is just my experience alot came down to and still does if I'm honest...the question "how has your life changed versus how has my life changed" since being a parent.

Like saying " I did the dishwasher/ cleaned the bathroom/ did the laundry/ put the bins out" etc are all normal functioning adult roles that you'd be doing (one hopes) in a house share or if you lived alone.

So anything you would be doing anyway if living alone shouldn't really be considered. However look at what hands on time your spending with the child. Who has the main mental load.... arranging Drs appointments, clothes shopping everything that's new that you wouldn't be doing pre-baby.

I know in this house there's lots I do that he hasn't a clue about as it happens in the background. I don't think our household is unique!

bear1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662444#Comment_122662444

abroad.

Maternity is either 80% for 1.5 years or 100% until birth and then 60%. There is 2 weeks of paternity and that is it.
Again, I changed jobs this month and our daughter is 3 and in school.

She changed her roles not that long ago and I took more and more so I can’t see why it would be considered understandable that she resents that I had no choice but to work hard and keep the same level of financial comfort that we had pre birth.

She works full time and so do I. I do the drop offs and she does the picks up. I don’t see the inequality there?

I do most of the chores and she does the shopping.

I take care of all the car stuff and she books doctor appointments.
I make all the breakfasts, she makes lunch.

She doesn’t pick up any children which aren’t hers and the odd time they do stay with me, I obviously take care of them.

I have taken our daughter on holiday so the wife could rest and sleep and do what she needs to and I’ve done this multiple times in the 3 years since birth.

I simply don’t agree that there are grounds for resentment.

Also, I’m almost positive that if this was the other way around and the husband got to the point where he wanted to throw a vase at his wife that there’d be a consensus that he isn’t to be trusted and to leave him.
not a sort of yeah I get why because she is overwhelmed.

If you have the anger to that and suddenly stop then I suspect you can do it again.

bear1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662600#Comment_122662600

Your first line though, you suggested that as she is a team leader then she has a lot on her plate and that is correct but I did mention im a manager so im unsure why one position outweighs the other?

Would it not be on equal terms that we both have a lot to do but it doesn’t justify certain behaviours?

HazeDoll

You feel you've done everything right but the relationship is still not working for her.

Either she's being unreasonable and what you're doing isn't enough for her, or those are not her priorities. There is no point in everybody in this forum telling you that you have been a perfect partner and she's crazy not to appreciate you. You have said that you don't see any inequality and you don't see how she has grounds for resentment. Nobody reading this knows if the reality is that there are no grounds for resentment and there is no inequality, or if the problem is that they're there but you can't see your part in them.

Also, nobody here knows if this relationship is following the same track as your previous one but it might be worth asking yourself if the question of priorities has been a factor in both.

Maybe mediation or couples therapy is the answer but there needs to be a long uncomfortable conversation in which you both directly address the compromises you are both willing to make so your priorities align. If that can't be done without both parties getting defensive and scoring points then you need to work towards an amicable separation.

And dear god, whatever you do, don't mention anything about how bleak your dating prospects are. This will not endear you to her and you will rapidly find yourself paying child support to two families.

standardg60

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662109#Comment_122662109

I'd imagine that your previous relationship is at the core of all this too OP. It sounds like she expected once you had a child together that your full attention should have been on your new family and your old one left in the past. Obviously you couldn't do that and the resentment started.

Perhaps she had further expectation when you got married and then even more when you bought a house together and it's all just building up. It really sounds like this relationship wasn't what she thought she was signing up too, I think there's a difference in maturity due to the age gap and life experience between you that wasn't teased out in full beforehand.

Do you think that both the marriage and house were sticking plasters when you look back now? You weren't getting on before them. I'm not sure what the answer is but you're both on different pages right now, a discussion to see whether you can both get back on the same one would be a start.

Good luck.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662758#Comment_122662758

The point I was making was she has people reporting into her , so if they've an issue , she needs to fix it, if she has an issue she needs to fix it all within a timeframe to let her get out on time to collect the child.

I appreciate that you are a manager so you have your own stresses but you've the wiggle room of working late if you have to, she doesn't. She is on a schedule.

From my perspective from doing drop offs and collections, the collections were the worst.

I was up early to get in for 8, then literally 30 min lunch and running out the door at 4. Would get home to the house around 5:30 , dinner would then need to be cooked and bedtime prep ....he'd get home around 8/8:30 , myself and the baby would go to bed around 9, he'd have the house to himself then. I got no time to myself.

When I did drop offs I still managed to get home around 7 so evening and bedtime prep was shared.

So from my perspective drop offs are the easier of the two.

jackboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662893#Comment_122662893

As well as that she may be getting pressures and bad reviews at work for heading home early every day. Her team may not respect her and can rightly refuse to do no more than the bare minimum as she does not put in the hours.

Realistically it sounds like she she is not able to commit to her job and probably should request a role will less responsibility. That or get the OP to step back at work.

Joe286

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122661495#Comment_122661495

Agree totally. Post natal depression. Insist she does therapy too. Hold the line. Stay put.

Give it six months. If she hasn't improved or gone to therapy then go

Disrupting your child's life is a big thing.

I presume the other two kids don't live with you?

The first 3 years of any kids life is **** for the parents. People advising you to just cut and run are not taking into consideration the kid or how traumatic it would be for you all.

bear1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662893#Comment_122662893

I’m not sure why we are comparing her job to mine but if you’re also saying I’ve wiggle room to work late then me doing that means less time helping at home so it doesn’t help.

The other thing is that I also have to manage people and I have a process to ensure is done, if I just log off then no one is there to take over for me and that also means explaining to my manager why I just logged off.
I work from the office and she works from home.
I personally think drop offs are worse, you need to wake them up, you need to get them dressed when they don’t want to. You need to force them into the car and then listen to complaining they don’t want to go.

Pick ups if you’ve traffic are stressful but I’d rather that then the morning

bear1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662949#Comment_122662949

But this works both ways, if I was to do that then it would also be on me.

It’s not like this was all dumped on the one person and I’ll say this again, as it seems to be getting missed, before September 1 it was me doing both drop offs and pick ups.
Have I no recourse to say ok now we need to swap it up a bit?

To step back from work, how would that reflect on me if barely a month into the role I flag I need to step back? Let’s be reasonable here.

bear1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662854#Comment_122662854

I agree with you that we both should have sat down at the first and worked out the details but we just got caught up in the whirlwind of love and being on cloud 9 that it was sort of pushed down the road and we have both admitted we should have spoken more about it.

It has impacted us both.

hard to say re the marriage and the house. There were warning signs before the marriage but I put them down to nerves and general stress as we got married during the pandemic and she had some intense family issues on her end

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662997#Comment_122662997

I'm trying to give you another outside perspective on how the creche runs were for me.

I guarantee if you asked my partner he'd give you a different version of events as even now when I discuss how challenging it was when I was pregnant on the second child, he looks at me as if this is brand new information, despite me begging for change at the time.

I have no idea of the ins and outs of your everyday life etc.

Anything I've said you've said no that's not the case, or countered it with you have it just as bad or worse. Which maybe it is the case, however if this is how communication with your wife goes maybe she doesn't feel listened to.

This is her first baby, everything is new to her. This is your third so maybe she expected more from you, I really don't know.

Again as another poster pointed out, maybe critically look at the reasons your first marriage didn't succeed.....if you are hearing wife #2 repeating same stuff wife #1 said maybe you need to listen to what's being said.

I don't know.

Best of luck

jackboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662999#Comment_122662999

A couple chasing high flying careers cannot take care of children properly unless they have family who will step in to look after the children or they have enough money to pay someone to look after the children.

It seems ye are trying to have it all but don't have the income to back up the lifestyle ye want. Ye will have to face reality at some point or your lives and the children's are going to suffer.

Joe286

There has to be a solution. Can you not hire someone to do a pick up most days and mind kids for an hour?

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122662101#Comment_122662101

She probably was seeking help though, from you.

Yes maybe some medication or therapy could have helped somewhat, but what she probably felt like she needed most of all would been more support at home and you being there more giving her a break.

I know if I was in that position I'd resent a partner if I thought they could things could be fixed with a pill when what I actually felt like I needed was support and a break.

It seems like since then you've tried to do things that you should have done back then, but often doing things later on that you should have done before doesn't fix the issues at all, because the hurt, anger, resentment and trauma is all still there…hence why nothing you do now seems to have made a difference.

Just to go back to your OP have you actually ended the relationship or where does it currently stand?

Dtp1979

this woman seems like a lot of women now days who think they do the lions share of the work. Utterly deluded. But, the biggest issue here is she was threatening to throw a vase at you and she’s trying to tell you that you need counselling. Laughable and worrying.

iniscealtra

From your posts OP you seem to be contributing and are flexible. Parenting is hard especially when both Parents work fulltime. Thís is the reality you both need to face. It certainly won’t be easier if you seperate. Try to change the mentality perhaps. Positive affirmations. We are so lucky. We own our own Home, isn’t (child’s name) so lucky to have Mam and Dad for cuddles. We also do something as a family every weekend just to break the routine - outdoor concert, walk in the woods with lunch on the way home, trip to the beach or lake, picnic. Make that a non-negotiable - family time away from the house. Then give each other an evening off to do something for yourselves. Maybe get a babysitter one evening a week for some time for yourselves as a couple - my parents did this when I was growing up every Thursday.

Some suggestions to inject some joy. 🤞

bear1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122664508#Comment_122664508

As of now I would say it’s on its last legs but I’m thinking of ways to see if we can get some sort of foundation to move forward so it’s not easy.

bear1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122664784#Comment_122664784

I’ve brought it up a few times that that one event has really pulled me back from engaging.

If you can’t control your anger to the point where you get close to physically hurting your partner then what’s to say it won’t happen again but this time actually go through with it?

I understand emotions run high and there can be times you want to scream but that for me a red line

Maryanne 841

Really sounds like Post Natal depression to me. Speak with your GP and take it from there. Left untreated, PND can wreak havoc in families. Best wishes.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122666809#Comment_122666809

Is your wife on the same page as you? Does she want to try to give it one last go to save it?

spaceHopper

My reading of this is, she might have postnatil depression or had it but did nothing about it. You do a lot to help out and to bring in more money but none of it is good enough for her. You're far to nice, so stop being nice, tell her you're pissed off too and why. Ask her if she was in your shoes what would she do. Would she put up with it?

Then tell her if she want's to fix things she has to go to a Dr or somebody about her mood. She has to let go of any anger she's dreamed up about you. If you don't lake it clear that you won't accept bad behivour she'll never respect you or stop. She'll be pissed off about this but let it sick in for a few days and then see where she is. See if she'll talk to somebody about her own behavior or depression.

marilynrr

It could have started as postnatal depression and now all of the issues are bigger than that.

Or the postnatal depression could have started as just needing a bit of support, not getting support from a partner makes PND more likely.

Joe286

Only a medical professional can truly make a diagnosis. Throwing initials around the place isn't that helpful