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  • #32
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 61 ✭✭carsynogenic


    I don't know & I don't imagine he does either. The only time there's been an issue was when we were new & he was nervous. That was 20 yrs ago. In all of this that was a bit of comfort to me, he wouldn't go there because he'd be nervous and his ego wouldn't cope well if he couldn't perform. But then I found the pills that would alleviate that…



  • #33
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,718 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122453646#Comment_122453646

    Newsflash: she's not going to give it to you. They'll close ranks and deny everything.

    Honestly, OP, I have no idea what advice you're looking for that hasn't been given to you multiple times at this stage. If you're waiting for someone to say "Don't be daft, this is all completely innocent, forget about it and move on," then I think you're going to be waiting quite a while, unfortunately.

    At this point I think you need to either confide in someone close to you who knows you both and whose judgement you trust, or speak to a professional. Possibly both, tbh. But strangers on the internet can't help you any more, sorry.



  • #34
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,623 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Don't contact her. If there's something going on between them she's not going to admit it to you. If there's nothing going on then she'll tell him you contacted her and he'll be pissed off and blame you. No good will come of it.



  • #35
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 61 ✭✭carsynogenic


    Thanks for this, I have confided in two people who knows both of us but both of them have said they can't believe he would do something. Even though they agree that something is off. My counsellor has suggested that I contact her. The last huge fight we had 2 weeks ago I threatened to contact her and he had a complete meltdown left work and went home to bed, when we talked it through it ended up with me feeling like an abuser. I ended up apologising and I decided to put it behind me and then I found the pills.

    You're right though, I guess I'm hoping someone will say give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm still hopelessly in love with him that I'm not ready to let go, even though he's hurt me so much it's making me Ill. That sounds utterly pathetic. He fucked off home in the middle of my 50th (he doesn't drink so he doesn't "do" parties) but stuck it out for my son's. He refuses to post any memories of us or just general things anymore but posted the pics of my son's party, it was our anniversary last week and I got zilcho on the day. I don't know how many times he needs to show me he doesn't give a **** before I believe it. It's confusing though because he tells me all the time and he's so affectionate towards me, I can't seem to get my head straight



  • #36
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 61 ✭✭carsynogenic


    Yeah I think I'm past the point of caring about that. I just want to know if he was really supposed to go to Bangkok because then I'd be pretty sure that at the least he was planning to do something. I know in my gut that something was going on. I just don't know how far it went



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  • #37
    C3PO
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,827 ✭✭✭C3PO


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122453646#Comment_122453646

    Can you not see how messed up this is OP? You would believe this woman who you don’t know from Adam but don’t believe your partner of 20+ years! Unlike some other posters, I don’t necessarily think you should split with your husband but you cannot continue without some decent couples counselling. I can’t see any other way of overcoming the trust issues, which I know from personal experience can be soul destroying!



  • #38
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 61 ✭✭carsynogenic


    It's not that I'd believe her over him, it's that I can't believe him because I've caught him out on lies already and he denies when I confront him. I think she was so brazen with the texts that she'd be more likely to admit if there was something going on. Why else would a colleague send a disappearing photo of a strip club and another "making you jealous" text unless you were more than colleagues?

    My brain is telling me that he was supposed to go on that trip and that's what the Ed meds were for and she sent him those texts to remind him what he was missing

    I just don't know what to believe at all. I just don't know I can't go on like this



  • #39
    Hannibal_Smith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,426 ✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    If you can't believe your husband, whether you're justified or not, that's what needs addressing. It speaks volumes about where your relationship is at. If you both don't work at building it back up you're going to stay on this carousel. The word of a work colleague shouldn't be the starting point of that. Has couples counselling been discussed at all?



  • #40
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 61 ✭✭carsynogenic


    Yeah he's agreed to go, I think this is my breaking point though. A year ago I wouldn't have doubted a single thing he told me, now I second guess everything. It doesn't help that after I said he had developed an emotional relationship with her he denied it, but only 2 weeks ago said & I quote. "even if you were right, it's not like that anymore". I mean what do you say to that



  • #41
    YellowLead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,026 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    There’s nothing to do except decide if that type of behaviour is what you were willing to tolerate or not. Getting people to agree here that he’s badly behaved won’t help change anything.



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  • #42
    Donald Trump
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,327 ✭✭✭✭Donald Trump


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122455565#Comment_122455565

    It can happen that a cheater tells the person they are cheating with that their actual relationship is dead/over and they are just waiting on the time to break it up. In such circumstances, the third wheel might not be as reluctant to confirm things. Hypothetically



  • #43
    Hannibal_Smith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,426 ✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122455910#Comment_122455910

    He's agreed to go...thats good and there's your starting point. Going over every detail is perfectly understandable, but it's not going anywhere to resolving your issues. Ask your counsellor for recommendations for a couples counsellor and go from there.



  • #44
    Dtp1979
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,922 ✭✭✭✭Dtp1979


    if your counsellor is advising you to contact the woman then this seems highly unprofessional. Did this counsellor get their qualifications from collecting stamps on a cornflakes box?



  • #45
    Squatman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,630 ✭✭✭Squatman


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122465503#Comment_122465503

    had the same thought. i would serioulsy consider an alternative counsellor. this sounds like malpractice



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