Disappearing messages

carsynogenic

Hi all, looking for a male perspective please

What would you think if a female colleague sent you a disappearing photo of a strip bar with a name that's slang for blow job?

Akrasia

Ah. I think you already know

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122128352#Comment_122128352

I think I do but I need it spelled out for me 😞

YellowLead

Is this in a group chat or a private whattsap between the two and is it a work phone (the work phone might explain the disappearing message in this case).
What’s the context around it - was it in reference to a joke?

Oh wait, you’ve a whole other thread on this general issue. You need to stop looking at his phone and take time to consider whether it’s right to continue the marriage - things can’t continue as they are right now with you checking and stressing and him denying.

Big Bag of Chips

carsynogenic, if it's still going on and it's still upsetting you then you have to make some difficult decisions.

Have you been to counselling? You're not in a good place emotionally and maybe that is being used against you. Time to build yourself up and then you'll be better able to deal with what's happening.

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122128365#Comment_122128365

Private phone and just between the two of them.

carsynogenic

Hey yep in counseling which almost ended up with me calling it quits. She hasn't texted since and he is adamant that there isn't/wasn't anything going on. Initially he was claiming she was drunk and sent it privately by mistake, and that his colleagues encouraged her to send it, but yesterday I found out it was a strip joint and I'm starting to see threw the lies

Big Bag of Chips

Hey yep in counseling which almost ended up with me calling it quits.

So what stopped you? I suggest you keep going to counselling. He is not being honest. He is blaming everyone else but him.

His story changes regularly. He may or may not be cheating on you but he is at the very least flirting with this woman and making her believe that her approaches are welcome.

You know what's going on. You don't like it. He's not going to step back from it. So you decide whether you are ok living with that, or not.

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122128388#Comment_122128388

He convinced me that there was nothing going on. Until yesterday I decided to believe him. Nothing is making sense. I can't seem to knit the man I've known for 20 yrs and the level of deception and lying he would have to be doing if there was something going on

Big Bag of Chips

Why would her work colleagues encourage her to send it? If it was some group joke thing why would one of them not have sent it rather than 'encouraging' her specifically?

There's something going on. You know there is. Even good partners who have otherwise been 100% trustworthy can be tempted and then come up with all kinds of excuses and cover-ups to make you feel like you're the problem.

You know this isn't innocent. You know this isn't just the average colleague banter.

You know all this.

Edit: by the way, you know this. You have to stop trying to catch him out because all that leads to is more lies and arguments. You don't have to prove anything to yourself or anyone else. You already know. He knows. You don't need the "gotcha" moment. You are very unhappy in your relationship. It's not looking like he's interested in repairing the damage. He's just interested in shutting you up from going on about it.

I think you should continue your counselling.

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122128435#Comment_122128435

Counselling has been a life saver for me. As for the sending of the disappearing photo, initially it looked innocent because I didn't know that the bar was a strip club and I didn't know that lollipop is slang for blow job so it was plausible that it was an innocent picture sent on disappearing messages by mistake (which is what he was claiming)

He later said that his colleagues encouraged her to send it ( but I don't think they are talking about the same picture). Just for clarification I opened the message and took a photo of it with my phone, other than that he wouldn't have seen it. I couldn't figure out why she sent a seemingly innocent picture on hidden photo so the drunk excuse was plausible.

Now that I know this new information I'm back to square one. And I'm wondering what kind of relationship a man can have with a woman that would allow her to feel emboldened to send it. That's why I was asking for the male perspective

Thanks so much for all of your advice ❤️ I've built a life with this man, he's helped me raise my kids and I guess I need more than a suspicious text to break up our home.

On the other hand logic is telling me that there is more to this

Big Bag of Chips

I guess I need more than a suspicious text to break up our home.

I get that.

But what you have now is more than a suspicious text. You are living in constant doubt. The feeling of being betrayed, lied to, gaslit.

You are placing a lot of faith in the life you've built, your family unit etc. The security that gives you. That is completely normal. But is he thinking the same way? Is he just taking it all for granted? Is he taking you for granted? Knowing that he can carry on how he likes and you'll just tolerate it? He's having his bit of fun and flirtation at the expense of your feelings? He's choosing to upset you rather than upset her by telling her to stop sending suggestive texts.

He's obviously enjoying the bit of flirtation and attention. He's obviously encouraging it. If he wasn't he wouldn't be getting those texts. I know I've never sent flirty texts to a fella that showed no interest in me!

You now have proof of the texts. You have proof they are still ongoing, what I mean when I say you don't need to keep looking for proof. It's in front of you. Him hiding his phone etc.

Look, all relationships can get rocked. Anybody can have their head turned by a bit of flattery and the escape from the mundane of everyday family life. But that's when choices need to be made. Do you chase the excitement of something new, or do you work at renewing your existing relationship?

It's a very common problem in long-term relationships. How he deals with it will be the deciding factor on whether you have a happy future together or not. Despite the life you've built, you can't live the next 20-30-40 years feeling like this and watching his every move.

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122128998#Comment_122128998

A couple of weeks ago when he was acting like he didn't give a **** & kept telling me I needed help I made arrangements to go to a counsellor. I really felt like I was losing it. Two hours I sat crying, not about my mam that I just lost but about him and the way he'd been treating me. When I got home I was obviously upset and when he tried to comfort me I moved out of the way. When he asked did I want to talk I said no. Next morning he rang me wanting to know what was wrong and I told him I was seriously considering us breaking up. He came straight home from work and we had a lengthy talk, I felt like he finally got it. He said he did and that he hadn't seen it from my point of view (that he was putting her feelings over mine) and he could totally understand where I was coming from. I felt we were starting to move on and our relationship definitely improved. I felt like we were getting back to us. Then this happened and all I can think of is that he lied to me about his colleagues encouraging her to send that text. He said he asked for advice from this colleague about approaching her and was told that it would be a career ending move. This is allegedly why he won't confront her. I want to though, I really want to message her and ask her why she sent my husband a disappearing photo of a strip club with a name that's slang for blow job. He wouldn't take it well I don't think. He's 'warned' me not to contact her, but I told him I'll do what I like

Thanks for your patience

Big Bag of Chips

Career ending? To ask a colleague to stop messaging him suggestive texts outside work? Is she is immediate boss? Why would it be career ending? Sounds very much like BS again I'm afraid. He doesn't want to ask her to stop, either because he's embarrassed, or he's enjoying it. Probably enjoying it, definitely not discouraging it anyway. And is using the excuse of another colleague telling him to do nothing.

If he doesn't want to confront it head on, then he can do so subtly. Do not react or respond to any messages. Do not be flirty in work. Deal with her as a simply a colleague. Not a friend. I suspect he won't do this. Either because he's enjoying it, or because he's weak and prefers to not rock the boat (but will happily allow you to be upset).

I don't know OP. So far there's no consequences. You talk it out. He tells you he gets it. Yet it doesn't change. I think you need to keep going to counselling. You need to find your own worth. You don't have to be in a relationship where you feel like you're coming second.

xyz13

You again!

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Warned for Breach of Charter.

Mature, constructive, civil advice expected in this forum.

Alexus25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122128405#Comment_122128405

Trust your instincts, they won't steer you wrong

thefa

I had a look back in the original thread as I remember posting on it back in late 2023. I find it really weird that he hasn’t blocked her to prevent such things happening given the marriage is on the line.

There seems to have been numerous false dawns too. You posted about promises back in March. The conversation a couple of weeks ago when he was as finally getting it. It always seems to unravel on his side.

I don’t really have advice to add to some good advice given above but I would just emphasise you are already going through a tough time and deserve better from your partner.

Hannibal_Smith

@daibhi574 - you're correct about one thing, your post has been deleted. Because it breaches the Forum Charter . If you've a problem with a post or thread, report it.

Tork

What a quirky workplace your husband finds himself in. One where the others openly encourage a female colleague to send a risqué message to a married man? 🙄 It's impossible to know exactly what is going on between your husband and this woman but lines have been crossed. At best it's highly inappropriate and at worst….

Call me cynical but I get the impression your husband wants the best of both worlds. He has his very close lady colleague who he is unwilling to change his relationship with, despite how it's affecting his marriage. He also has a wife and a home and he knows that if he loses these, his quality of life will take a nosedive. Now is not a good time for anybody getting divorced and trying to keep a roof over their head. No matter what way things go from here, you should always keep that in mind. Is he telling you what you want to hear so he can continue living at home?

marilynrr

It's bad enough to have an inappropriate relationship, but it's another thing entirely to carry it on and drive your partner to therapy because of it.

He doesn't want to give her up and doesn't care how much it affects you.

If you find evidence of physical cheating he will still deny it, or if he owns up he'll say he never would have cheated except for you drove him to it.

And I'm wondering what kind of relationship a man can have with a woman that would allow her to feel emboldened to send it. That's why I was asking for the male perspective

I'm not male but sounds like she's trying to be the 'cool girl'.

So it's either she's trying to tempt him to cheat by saying oh look how cool and fun I am.

Or they already are and she's just reminding him just how fun and cool she is and how chilled she is compared to you.

At the very least it's just a highly inappropriate flirty relationship and hasn't developed into a proper emotional or physical affair, but in a way it's just as bad if there's no feelings involved, he'd let you feel this anxious, upset and unsafe in your relationship over a little ego boost??

GreeBo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122128998#Comment_122128998

Proof of texts isn't proof of anything else.

I don't see why you are pressurizing (imo) the OP to terminate their relationship tbh.

daibhi574

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058351342/disappearing-messages

I would think: hey, great, that's some suggestion. I would contact the female colleague to follow up on it.

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The PI/RI forum is heavily moderated and as per the Charter there is zero tolerance for muppetry here. As this is your second actionable Post in the same thread a 2 point warning has been applied.

carsynogenic

Thanks guys I appreciate all perspectives and I appreciate you taking the time to respond. It's his birthday today and I have found it really difficult not to ask if she has messaged him. I think I'm coming to the end of the road but my heart is way behind my head if that makes sense. Again thank you for all your support and advice, great bunch you are x

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122137161#Comment_122137161

We don't like gender generalisations in this forum, but I'll fire ahead anyway.

If this was a man posting that his wife was receiving late night disappearing texts from a male colleague, that she wasn't discouraging this contact, that she was actively hiding her phone from her husband, that she was getting suggestive texts about stripclubs and blowjobs, he'd be told she's cheating on him kick her out, or she's being sexually harassed by a male colleague.

Why should it be different because a man is receiving the texts?

I am very slow on this forum to encourage people to end their marriages. It's never an easy decision. But I would encourage people to look at what they are being asked to tolerate in order to keep the relationship going, and ask themselves is it worth it.

Squatman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122139669#Comment_122139669

when you raised a thread initailly, it came go a good conclusion. then a few months later it raised its ugly head. youve reached a few milestones, but every time you re-open a thread, or start a new one, it appears more and more sinsiter. while in a period of mourning, you should have been showered in affection, and spoilt, instead, you were slated, and had your mental health questioned. its a big decision, but its worth getting straigth the summary of your threads on a sheet of paper and deciding if you are happy with it.