Bored and lonely in marriage

I know right and some actually agreed with it.

It sounds like you need to have a friend with benefits you can't afford a divorce you can't afford to pay a mortgage your husband does,not want to change just be careful re safe sex avoid sti,s

I'm presuming you went to a therapist that deals with relationship sexual problems

This sounds like a problem discussed on newstalk I,m an adult podcast

Leaving aside the quite a few trolling comments by new reg posters, I think people are overthinking this a bit.

The husband here may simply no longer be attracted to his wife. That's neither a crime, nor does it mean that our poster is unattractive or not a fully sexual being. It's just a human condition that happens in thousands of relationships, sometimes within weeks of a relationship forming, sometimes after 40 years.

It can be mutual, but it can be one-sided and certainly in terms of timing it nearly always is and that's just one of the myriad reasons that relationships end.

I have a personal opinion that there are two things you can never get back, trust and attraction. Other people may have experienced that differently and Counsellors may have an opposing view from their wider experience, but for me it's like unringing a bell, they are fundamental and cannot be restored to a persons heart in the way they were to form the relationship in the first place.

But in as much as losing attraction for a person is not a crime, failing to engage with the other person and be honest about it and working out the consequences for the relationship and the wider family is a choice to break trust. Rejecting sex without a conversation, replacing that sex with prolific and closed off masturbation and not considering or caring about the other person's response to that or their own needs, is a selfish breach of trust.

And for me, our poster choosing to get sexual fulfilment somewhere else or ending the relationship or any other point on that spectrum, is an entirely legitimate response to that breach of trust.

You might say that two wrongs don't make a right and why doesn't she simply masturbate to satisfy her own physical desires, but while masturbation may be enough for him, she is perfectly entitled to feel that it is not enough for her and does not give her whatever her sexual satisfaction consists of; another person's touch, physical contact, the communication, the emotional connection, the surrender, the unpredictability, the satisfaction of satisfying someone else - literally anything that solo play doesn't do and I don't think it's too much of a generalisation to say those needs tend to be more common for women than for men.

But again, our poster is no less entitled to pursue her needs than he is, albeit the impact of that may hasten the end of the relationship, which begs the question, can the relationship be kept together for the sake of the kids or whatever, where there is a mutual understanding that the physical side is over and now a matter of each side getting their sexual needs fulfilled however they like? Or, is that impossible and intolerable and is a zombie marriage soul destroying for our poster and would it be just better for everyone to fully end the relationship to allow both sides start again?

But as I said before, the poster is the no fault party here, she didn't change or break trust, she didn't place her feelings and desires above the other person, she's entitled to not be left unhappy by the consequences nor to feel guilty about wanting to fulfil her own needs and to have a full life, whatever that meaning is to her.

Can only speak for myself, might watch the odd bit a few times a year but that'd be it. It's very shallow and repetitive and nowhere near as attractive or satisfying as the real thing. Physical intimacy is where it's at. But sex can also be/ is often just functional, I think many longer married couples have a general regular schedule. You should talk to your husband, explain things again and come up with a time/ day that suits both of you - every Friday evening or every Sunday morning or every second Friday evening etc. (assuming neither ill etc) Not entirely romantic but that way both he knows and you know when you'll be at it. Many men like schedules and regularity and he really should be able to work around that.

Is this guy engaged enough to care if you had an affair?

Having an affair could possibly satisfy your needs if you meet a decent lover. However, bringing in another person/s brings its complications too. Another person will inevitably bring their own emotions/desires/wants - and even if you set out rules of sex only this will often lead to someone wanting more. And that could be you.

If you live in a rural area - people take an unhealthy interest in other people's lives - the knock on effect of having an affair might be socially awkward. Who knows. You might be someone who can handle that.

Nevertheless, the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting... You deserve to try to make yourself happy. And it seems like you've bent over backwards to try with your husband. It sounds like you have no choice but to pursue other avenues.

Affairs are just a bad idea. End of story. Honestly, if the genders were swapped I doubt the women here would encourage the man to have an affair.

As you said yourself "I don't wanna break up our family or end up with 2 homes with no money."

So your choices are A: continue on, or B: have it out with your husband and find a resolution.

There's a root cause to this and you have to find it. Maybe it is a porn addiction, in which case both of you NEED to deal with it, and there NEEDS to be consequences if he doesn't engage. And really, the root cause could be anything. Maybe he doesn't find you attractive anymore, or maybe he doesn't find himself attractive and has confidence issues. Maybe porn is just easy, and sex is too much work because he's unfit. Could be many things, but you need to discover it before you can fix it.

You're likely only in your 40's or 50's, only halfway through life and there's plenty of sex to be had. Hard conversations, and hard decisions, and both of you need to deal with them.

OP, watching porn is an addiction as any other addiction. It is an escape route from inner problems. You need to treat him like you would treat any other addict. But most importantly you need to treat yourself first as a co-dependant person enabling his addition.

Find a good addiction therapist for yourself first to break this vicious circle.

I say bring up the lack of sex in a conversation and ask him would an open relationship be an option, it might be the kick up the arse he needs or he'll agree to it.

Maybe he is using porn as escapism from the financial burden ye are both carrying in a big mortgage paying for the kids education & its not about you at all.