Bored and lonely in marriage

daisyjones01

Hi, for the ladies on here-have any of you experienced being married to a man who has no interest in sex with you? We are together 20 years and honestly, sex has never been a priority for him. Initially I thought it was just his sex drive-then I realised he masturbates a lot-so thought it was me-now I realise he is addicted to porn. (As in, he prefers watching porn and masturbating to having sex) . I have always had a high sex drive and while I used to think I loved him enough to get thru it, I don’t and can’t anymore. He refuses to change-we’ve been thru it all-therapy, taking a break, all the rest. But god it’s lonely. We have kids and a big mortgage and separating is just not an option just now. I just hear all my female friends talking so often about how their man won’t leave them alone and they hate sex etc but have never met a woman who is going thru this. And for any men reading-i would love your honest opinion on it. Just not sure how much longer I can take it and have recently started thinking about just meeting someone for regular sex without the relationship, because, we’ll I’ve given him every chance-but I front wanna break up our family or end up with 2 homes with no money.

any help really appreciated x

Thelonious Monk

Man here. He's not necessarily addicted to porn he just prefers masturbating to it than having sex with you. I mean I'm sure he'd have huge interest in sex if he could do it with the women he's watching. I've often lost interest in sex with a partner but it didn't mean I had no sex drive, they just didn't turn me on any more.

If he's not willing to try anything or try and have a sex life with you, really all you can do is accept this and make peace with it or separate. Best of luck.

daisyjones01

Thank you-we’ve been through therapy and he has admitted he has an addiction and cannot stop, the psychologist has also diagnosed same. I have no issue with porn use-so it’s not that-i am open to use of porn in an otherwise healthy relationship-I really don’t want to come across as judgy or anything like that.Thank you tho for your reply. It’s good to get an outside opinion on it and I take on board your thoughts.

Pauliedragon

A man here. Stories like these seem to getting more and more common. Maybe it's the fact that porn is so much more accessible now. For what it's worth I used to be married but I did still mastubate at times but it never interfered with our sex life I definitely preferred sex with my wife. All I can say is best of luck OP porn addiction does seem to be a thing these days even though a lot of people dismiss it as nonsense.

daisyjones01

Thank you! It’s really difficult-if he drank too much it would be almost more socially acceptable to talk to friends about it-but this is a kind of taboo subject-I tried to talk to a friend about it a while back but realised quickly she was embarrassed and then I was and uggghhh. So anonymous on Boards it is😫😂

Thank you for your honesty and perspective.

sugarman20

That's a tough situation to be in OP. Porn addiction is a real problem and seems to be getting worse. Seems like you are doing all the right things but without result. If he's not prepared to at least reduce the amount of porn he's watching then I can't really see this situation improving.

Terrier2023

Woman here, discreetly have an affair we are better at it and rarely get caught and if you are obliged to stay that is the best course of action or else occasionally hire a man and have a blast. Watch the film " Good luck to you Rio Grande " it will make you laugh and also show you there are a lot of ladies in this situation.

Internet porn has wrecked a lot of marriages as the men do not have to account to a porn star, they can just log out, and they do but the frantic fcuking is un realistic, not to mention the pedophilic bodies shaven within an inch of their lives and their submissive stances makes men think all women should be like that..we are not .

Andrea B.

Have you asked him as to where he thinks this will end up or what he expects will happen if nothing changes?

Larbre34

You have two choices. And bear in mind, your husband has already made his. Or rather, he is fully indulging his lack of engagement in the marriage.

You can take a lover or lovers to satisfy your sexual needs (and as a sub-choice you can either do that and tell your husband, or not tell him)

Or, you can end your marriage altogether and find sexual and relationship satisfaction with someone else.

Admittedly, either your current situation or availing of the first choice will probably end your marriage ultimately anyway, so the question then becomes, do you want a clean out or a messy out?

You are absolutely entitled to happiness and a good relationship and sexual satisfaction though, don't for one minute feel guilty for what decisions you may make to bring that about. These problems are not of your making.

raclle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120504821#Comment_120504821

Do not take this advice and have an affair because you will get caught and you will break up your family.

daisyjones01

@terrier2023 thank you-just for the last few weeks a discreet affair is what I feel like pursuing the most. I’m just so fed up, I feel like he’s taken 20 years of my life that I won’t ever get back and I have given him every chance. Thank you for your reply

Count Dracula

He possibly thinks you have lost interest in sex op, but loves you too much to leave you and has reconciled with living the rest of his married life **** alone whenever he gets the urge?

I have been interested in pornography all my life, I really like it and have enjoyed the sexual thrill it gives me when masturbating, or not masturbating as can often be the fact, porn can be really funny as well.

I have found that my interest in porn has really embellished my sex life and enabled me to enjoy more sex with more people who are thoroughly interested in having sex. Here lies one of life's great mysteries. I often felt a great a sympathy for really attractive people, as they tend to have ridiculously bland sex lives and quite often they develop aspersions towards potential partners as they have spent most of their lives being hit on or leered at by aspirational partners who haven't a monkeys chance of sleeping with them? They must develop a serious Radar for dealing with such tropes, probably on a daily basis?

Out of interest op, have you attempted to share your partner's preference for pornography and tried to make it a more positive impact on your marriage with him? Would you not consider using it as an aphrodisiac, to enable him to focus his attentions more about having sex with you, as opposed to having sex with himself?

You mentioned that you have a high libido, how does that manifest itself sexually for you? Have you secret liaisons? Or do you have a vivid sexual imagination that allows you to masturbate without the use of pornography. I do understand that many women prefer different styles of sexual fiction to stimulate or arouse them. Romantic novels can be very much the norm , but I remember a former lover who I met at work really enjoying hardcore erotic novels. Some of those are really sexy and well worth a read, you will be aching for a ride after, trust me.

I would try to find out what type of filth he is watching. Check his internet history or just ask him? See what you make of whatever is currently titillating him and maybe throw yourself in there? 20 years is a long time op, there are plenty of partners out there up to all types of shenanigans in the bedroom, don't miss out, trust me. Pornography is not to be feared, it should be embraced and enjoyed for what it is.

Get stuck in there op, it is rude to prude.

daisyjones01

@Andrea B. yep we have been there-he says he doesn’t know. He’s had a lot of stigma and shame in his childhood around sex and therapist feels this is part of reason why he feels the need to hide it away.

techman1

For what its worth maybe your friends might be exagerrating a bit when they say that they can't keep their men away from them. Afterall its more acceptable as a woman to say that than the opposite. Its like young men bragging about all the girls they have been with to their friends when in reality they are barely with any girl. To be honest after a long marriage sex happens less and less anyway. I think your issue with your man watching porn is probably very common but as you say is a bit of a taboo, therefore probably not something women will talk openly to each other about. Therefore take some comfort that you are not alone and this is very common now

daisyjones01

@Larbre34 thank you!! Honestly the last part of your comment made me cry because really all I have felt is shame for years for practically begging for sex off my husband. And at times when I have instigated sex he has pushed me away and laughed. That coupled with the fact that I am surrounded by women who say they hate when their husbands want sex and how they can’t get into bed without their husbands looking for it had all really just made me feel like I’m the one with something wrong. Thank you for your reply.

daisyjones01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120504939#Comment_120504939

He doesnt think I have lost interest! Not on any level! He knows exactly how I feel. We used to watch porn occasionally-right from start of relationship-and yes it was great. But it was clear he was not really having sex with me-he was glued to the screen and tho we were together, in the oddly of it, I may as well have not been there. He was so detached from me in it all that it really broke me in the end and I told him I couldn’t do that anymore. Porn use is great-i have no problem with it-trust me-i am not a prude in any manner and have been open to anything-he has not tho. Before him I had a really great and healthy sex life-so I actually refuse to believe it’s me any more.

daisyjones01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120504942#Comment_120504942

Thank you!

Count Dracula

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120504985#Comment_120504985

It seems like you are blaming him for your own disillusionment in your sex life?

Sex is a constant sacrifice of desires and wants, you need to share more, that is the secret.

Do you still desire your husband, the tone of your posts seem almost derogatory towards him. Are you sure you are not deflecting a little?

daisyjones01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120505028#Comment_120505028

yeah you’re right my tone does sound derogatory towards him-i guess because I’m angry at the moment. I’ve spent a lot of time trying, doing anything that might excite him, make him want me, and, by the way, sharing everything. I have been really open. He makes promises that he will try harder-that he will instigate sex sometimes, that we will have more frequent sex-more than once every 6 months-if im lucky…it never happens. So yes, I’m angry-and just this week, I’ve hit a wall. And I don’t know if I can try any more. I am so aware that sex, and everything else in a relationship is about give and take, sacrifice, all of that, it’s just that it feels like I’m the one who has sacrificed everything. So today, I’m blaming him, absolutely. I’ve tried everything.

Count Dracula

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120505072#Comment_120505072

Don't blame yourself either.

Relationships are not bombproof and rarely last for ever.

I would be inclined to indulge yourself somewhere else and see how you feel about it. Sex is not a crime, go and enjoy yourself while you can, but don't blame yourself or your husband for that , just go and enjoy yourself.

FintanMcluskey

I always get admonished for this but I do think every long term relationship ends up sexless eventually.

20 years is a very long time to for organic sexual interest to be maintained.

"Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel touches on the topic and would be an interesting read for you OP

daisyjones01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120505113#Comment_120505113

Thank you, I agree actually! I reckon if there was a time limit put on a relationship-like you couldn’t date someone for more than 3 years or something-imagine how much more you’d want to stay😂I will look into this book👍

YellowLead

I do think you should move away from blaming him and see it as a both of you issue. You made then choice to marry him and have kids with him despite knowing he didn’t have much interest in sex with you, he didn’t force you to marry him.

Why don’t you ask him if it’s okay for you to have a sex life outside the marriage? He might well agree if he has no interest in sleeping with you anymore, it would be the loud thing to do.

It might seem like there is no way out with the mortgage but could you downsize etc.

Aside from sex is there intimacy, laughing and joking together, any fun times at all?

If not the sex is only the tip of the iceberg and the whole relationship is flawed.

You should be able to enjoy a honestly sex life with your partner, don’t feel shame or guilt about that. Whether you get this from staying and sleeping with other people (hopefully with your husbands blessing) or initiating separation is up to you. Just know that if you stayed and slept with others that’s only a temporary solution because you will want to be with them fully and that’s not sustainable in the long run.

daisyjones01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120505165#Comment_120505165

Thank you, and you are so right-my therapist said to me once has he ever really been any different or is it you that has changed. And yep-it’s me! I guess I thought the amount I loved him would be enough to get me through and that sex wasn’t important and I could live without it. But over the years I guess I’ve realised I can’t. I think it’s also important to say that after we were engaged was when I first realised how big an issue the porn use was and I told him I couldnt marry him, that the problem was too big. That was the first time he promised me he would stop. He said he would do anything to hold onto me. So I suppose I did marry him as he is, but I believed we had a chance at fixing it. But I do really take on board what you are saying. And I have been really thinking seriously lately about having that conversation with him about me being with other people. I’m afraid, but maybe it’s a short term answer at least. Thank you!

Furze99

Man here, so this perspective may be a little off. If you're together 20 years, you're quite likely in your 40s now and soon, if not already entering menopause. Which may or may not affect your own libido. My wife had a patch around that time when she wanted a separate bed/ bedroom and less sex. But if you don't use, you lose it and we kept it going and now still make love, less frequently than before. So you may or may not have a lessened need soon is what I'm saying. As regards the porn, I'd be asking him to regulate it - maybe week on/ week off. That should give him notions in the off weeks. But of course, if addicted - could be tough. But then that's marriage - there's two of you in it and he's no right to be a selfish prick.

dartboardio

Hi, you as a woman and particularly a married woman, you have rights, as does he. That is the right to be loved and have your physical and emotional needs fulfilled.

If he is not fulfilling your needs, you can either get those needs satisfied elsewhere, or break up. Simple as that really, you've given him the opportunity multiple times.

The same if it was the other way around, if I wasn't fulfilling my husbands needs, or completely refusing to, yet wanting us to stay married, then I would expect him to look elsewhere for sex.

However I know many people won't agree with my thinking on that, but so be it..

In other words, get sex elsewhere, keep your happy friendship style marriage at home, if that's what both of you want. Have you spoken to him about the possibility of that side of things being open if he refuses to provide?

daisyjones01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120505319#Comment_120505319

Not yet but I think I’m going to do that this weekend. I think it’s time. Thank you so much.

raclle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120505337#Comment_120505337

If he's not I'd think very carefully about your next step. As you said you don't want to lose everything you have either. @Larbre34 summed it up best.

AndrewJRenko

Is there a chance that he has some perhaps specialised fetish interests that he's afraid to share with you?

I'm not blaming you in any way, but maybe there's something that he hasn't yet brought out into the open. Just one option of you want to explore it.

There are other kink lifestyle options that may be open to both of you to try to address this, but it's probably a bit extreme for public discussion here.

FintanMcluskey

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120505319#Comment_120505319

This comment essentially justifies cheating in nearly all relationships.

Interesting

StevenToast

As a man, masturbation is fine and healthy.....however, jerking off to porn constantly rots your soul....ruins the brains interest in sex, erectile dysfunction issues....

The husband needs to go cold turkey on the porn, no choking the chicken for a month......as a start.....

Nothing will change unless this happens...