Wife is cheating - what next?

PI_R_Anon_12345 · 05-04-2023 11:58AM #1

Hi all,

I discovered just over a week ago that my wife is cheating on me. Some background first:

We have been going out with each other since 2010, got married a few years later. We had a son in 2015 who was born with a learning disability and ASD. He's in a special school now but doesn't use words and can be a lot to manage. After my wife gave birth she suffered awful with post-natal depression for a number of years. She stopped working, and spent an awful lot of time in bed, leaving me to look after our son. I didn't mind this and my job was able to accommodate at the time, so was all good. In 2021 she started back working again, helping with the Covid pandemic. This seemed to be the corner she needed to turn and she was starting to feel much better, and wasn't as bed-bound as before.

In the middle of last year she got a public sector job as a clerical officer. Initially this was great, but in the run up to Christmas the stress hit hard as an awful lot of the office she was in left or moved on, and replacement staff was slow to be hired, so she was essentially covering multiple jobs. When this started, she started the habit of spending a lot more of her time in bed again, but I reasoned that this was to do with the stress of work/etc.

Christmas was pretty crap. Our son was in awful form (it turned out he was having a reaction to medication he was on) that was affecting his sleep and his mood. At the same time my wife was staying in bed all the time, and I assumed she was having a tough time of it again (which is fine), and did whatever I could to help. When I spoke with her, she was always saying that she was tired and struggling/etc, so all in the same sort of realm as when she was suffering with depression.

In December I went to London for 1 night on my own, this was her suggestion. Because of our son's needs, it's basically impossible at the moment for us to go away together. My wife has had a few weekends with herself, or her sister or friends in Irish hotels, and pushed me to go to London. I went, it was nice. When I came back she was talking about how she'd love to do the same (i.e. go away to Europe somewhere for a few nights on her own). She specifically mentioned a European city as an option, which I thought was cool because my parents were there last year and had nothing but good things to say about it.

In January she told me that she has been speaking with a new person online. She is a member of a few online communities to do with a specific hobby of hers, and has gotten quite close to a few of them. She went to the UK to stay with one of them (a woman) last year, and another was supposed to come to stay here around Patrick's Day but it fell through due to her work. She's always been open about these people and mentions them by name all the time. This time she told me the new person was a guy. She said she wanted to tell me specifically because she didn't want me to think there was something going on. He was a guy who was in the same community as the other women she has befriended and that was all. I think at a later date (might be wrong here) she told me he was from the same European country she had thought about visiting, and was originally from the city in question, but didn't live there. She then booked a trip to that city, and later said that her friend was going to meet her in the city for 2 days (she was staying for 4), he was going to stay with his parents and show her around.

This may seem naïve of me, but I didn't see anything wrong with this. She's entitled to friends and I genuinely didn't have an issue with her having a friend who was a man (she has had many male friends from during and before our relationship who I have met and have been lovely). She flew to the country a week and a half ago, and the day after she left she was looking for something and asked me to check her handbag that she left behind. The thing wasn't there, but I did find her old phone. She has recently got a new iPhone and the old one was in her bag. Something about how she left and how she was messaging me made me want to look at her phone once I had it, so I opened it and opened her discord app where she has been doing all of her chats/etc. This is where I found proof that she has been messaging this guy since the middle of last year and it was sexual in nature over the phone. There was a lot of photos of him on the phone, none of her sent that I could see. But I was able to read messages where she was badmouthing me, talking about how she was going to blow her marriage up and so on. And plenty of messages talking about how she couldn't wait to get to meet him in person. The most hurtful messages I found were where she was discussing how she was going to wear a ring she bought him (it was delivered the week before, I thought she bought it herself) on her ring finger to cover the dents from her wedding rings (which she wasn't going to wear) and messages on Christmas night where she was giving out to him like mad that I was forcing her to watch a movie together after our son went to bed.

As soon as I read the messages I felt like an absolute idiot who should have seen this coming, but I've always trusted her implacably on this front. I kept checking her messages while she was away, and could see that for the 4 days she was gone no messages were sent between them, they only started messaging when she was on way back home. She asked him to take and send photos of landmarks around the place so she had something to show people at home, and asked him to clean the room. She also made a comment about the pill she took and how it'll affect her period (assuming this is morning after pill) and joked that she might have a surprise for him in 5 weeks.

I didn't know what to do when I saw all of these, and I need to get my head straight. Before she got back I saw messages about this guy's birthday in early May and the day after she came back she booked a trip back again. She said that his family really wanted her to stay and it was cheap to go, so I just said okay. I'm all a bit numb at the moment. I am fully aware at this moment that my marriage is over, it's just a matter of ripping that band-aid. I have reached out to a couple of counsellors but with the Easter holidays (I guess) I won't get to speak to somebody for another 2 weeks. My primary concern is my son. I am his primary caregiver, I get him up in the morning, I dress him, I wash him, I feed him, I take him to school, I take him out for activities/etc. My wife does put him to sleep, and I can count on 1 hand the amount of times she has stepped up and minded him if he's been up at night or looked to go for spins at 4am/etc.

My current plan is to let her go away again and confront her when she gets back. At least she'll have had her fun a second time. I don't want to rescue the relationship, but I do want to make sure that I have a plan in place. As the man, I am very aware of the way that custody issues can go. The complication with my son is that he struggles to sleep at the best of time and we have not successfully had him go to sleep anywhere else apart from our house for years. We rent, but it's next to her parent's house which helps a little but also makes things awkward. My thinking is that I would tell her that I will stay at home with our son most of the time, and then for a couple of nights I could stay with my parents and she can stay with our son. It will be easier on our son if we keep him in 1 spot instead of dragging him from pillar to post.

I don't really know what I want from this thread, but felt I needed to put some words down. I am thinking of going to a solicitor just to see where I stand, but is that very pre-emptive of me? I would like to think that my wife would be rational about this, but I can also see her lashing out and blaming me for forcing her into an affair and telling me that I can't take her kid from her (even though I know full well she will not be able to manage him on her own for more than a night or two in a row). Any advice or comments/etc would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

SAMTALK · 05-04-2023 12:24PM

Hi OP

So sorry you're going through this. It's not looking very hopeful if i'm to be honest and not just about the suspected fling

you seem to be primary carer for your son and seem very supportive of your wife, but from your post it seems like she has already mentally left the marriage .

Why would you accommodate her going away a second time to "have her fun".? Do you think she will get this out of her system and come back to you cured and ready to commit to family life ?

I think you need to face facts that she doesnt seem to have much interest in her marriage or her son, harsh as this sounds

Girl Geraldine · 05-04-2023 12:45PM

It's over. Caput. Finish it and walk away.

Since you know where she is and what she is doing, would you consider going over there (maybe bring a friend) and bust her red-handed in her cheating?

She would never suspect a thing, and the reaction would be interesting.

Also, there is this possibility...... she left the bag behind with the phone in it, and then told you to go routing around in her bag. Might she have deliberately left the message ridden phone behind for you to find , knowing that you might be tempted to look at it. The phone was charged, turned on, and had no password or other screen lock. It is like she wanted you to find out. Maybe it is a test?

Girl Geraldine · 05-04-2023 12:48PM

Also, she might know that you have been looking at the messages from the online times and so on.

You might be as caught out for snooping as she.

Dyr · 05-04-2023 12:53PM

Talk to a Solicitor. Pronto. Before you do anything else.

Dial Hard · 05-04-2023 12:53PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120443417#Comment_120443417

In the grand scheme of things, I don't think his snooping is going to make any difference.

OP, I'm so sorry for you. Definitely make the appointment with a counsellor (ideally one who specialises in this area) for as soon as they can see you. And no, it's not too soon to speak to a solicitor. Again, get a recommendation for a good family law one and go and speak to them too.

Girl Geraldine · 05-04-2023 12:55PM

Anyway, all that aside, you 100% need to talk to an experienced family law solicitor immeidately. Do this now and get things sorted before you tell her that ye are fúcked and ye are done. Have all you ducks lined up and separation paper there for her. Catch her by surprise.

This biggest difficulty is that you will probably lose custody of your son. The reality with the Irish courts is that 99% of the time, the mother will be given primary custody of the children. The only reason that the court would go against that is if the mother was a danger to the children, i.e. a raging drug addict/alcoholic, proven history of neglect and violence, profound mental illness that puts the children in immident danger of harm. AND any of these things must have to have been already tackled but not responded to any prior interventions by the HSE or Tusla.

The reason for this is that the court have to do what is in the best interests of the children, and that is almost always for them to stay with the mother. And the the threshold for going against that norm is very high. A bit of depression and the like wouldn't cut it. It would have to be way more substantial grounds than that.

TheadoreT · 05-04-2023 12:59PM

Sounds like she'd be completely happy to escape from her life rather than try to hold on. It's what she's basically doing with this guy. So I'd be more concerned that she'll completely leave your son with you rather than her trying to fight for sole custody. But that would just be a hunch.

You sound very level headed and self aware of the realities here so at least that's good. So can only wish good luck and strength during this difficult period and things will get better in time.

05-04-2023 01:07PM

Sorry for your troubles. I'd be going to a solicitor straight away. I'd also be writing up a diary of who does what in relation to your son.

TheadoreT · 05-04-2023 01:14PM

Ps never show her you're affected or hurt by this, ever. Act indifferent and like you're above the whole thing. Get fit and healthy so you'll have a healthier midset to deal with it all and be in better position to give yourself a chance of attracting someone new after it all.

She'll rue the day she messed this up with you. Don't feel like the idiot here, that's all her.

Timing belt · 05-04-2023 01:18PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120443441#Comment_120443441

Even if there was addiction the courts would still side with the mother unless neglect could be proved.

The best advice is to try and come to an arrangement with your wife around shared custody

Augme · 05-04-2023 01:20PM

Do you want to be the primary carer? As mentioned above, I'd be surprised if you wife wanted this. If you want to be the primary carer then I'd have all her belongs and bags packed for when she returns from her trip in May and when she arrives in the door tell her the marriage is over and she can move next door to her parents until she finds somewhere knew.

This will give her a clean out in terms of giving up the role of primary carer without it looking like that's what she wanted, she will get to save face and often in these situations that's the most important thing.

If she turnes around and says no then there is nothing you can do about it so will just have to accept.

kaymin · 05-04-2023 01:31PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120443441#Comment_120443441

The views of the child will be taken into account if they're of a certain age, usually 12 but sometimes younger - if the OP has been the primary care giver I expect this will be reflected in the views expressed by the child.

Also:

Most men now get joint custody of their children post separation from the family courts. It is rare for that not to be the case. This means that the court recognizes that the children have a home with both parents. What it does not mean is that the children will spend precisely the same amount of time with each parent. Unless you are the ex next door or upstairs there is really no practical reality in that idea. Joint custody does not mean 50-50 when it comes to time spent with the children. It does mean that the children live for some time each month with both parents. What joint custody also means is joint parental responsibility.

http://www.familylawireland.ie/family-law-assumptions-and-myths/

The_Honeybadger · 05-04-2023 01:47PM

Very sorry to read this OP, you sound like a caring person who has taken virtually sole responsibility for a tough situation with your son. Fair play to you

Your wife has checked out of the marriage and her responsibilities in raising your son long ago and I’d be surprised if she doesn’t take the easy way out and opt for shared custody (with you left doing all the heavy lifting). Her actions are wholly selfish and nothing in what you have written suggests that she will step up for your son once you separate

Absolutely speak to a counsellor and a family law advisor and start the process of ending the marriage. I don’t see the benefit of letting her off on a second trip away to meet this guy before addressing the issue, you will only be torturing yourself in the meantime. Let her know that you know what she has been up to and that the marriage is over.

Her behaviour is really appalling. Relationships do get stale and people have affairs and it’s never nice, but her behaviour in the lead up in terms of feigning illness and depression to get out of caring for her son is really awful. If she was run down and depressed I doubt she’d be planning weekends away to meet lovers. I think she just didn’t want to deal with her situation and left it to you.

Sardonicat · 05-04-2023 02:09PM

Children's Allowance is not only paid to the mother. That's nonsense, OP so ignore that.

I really feel for you OP. She's taken your years of unselfish support and thrown iy back in your face and doesn't even seem to be considering the impact this will have on your son.

Definitely go for the counselling and get legal advice and any support, emotional or practical, that you can. You have been propping her up for years and it's difficult to imagine how she'll cope without you. I agree with the poster above who has suggested she is getting ready to dump both you and your son. You're going to need a lot of support.

05-04-2023 02:16PM

OP, I'm sorry for your troubles.

You need to start quietly gathering information before you inform her of your intent to end the marriage.

Bank statements, (especially any joint bank statements)-and any other financial records, mortgage account, bills, medical records in relation to your son, etc. Make sure you know where your son's passport is, and that it is secure. Make sure his school and doctors all have your contact information. Get copies of birth certificates, etc.

Ireland is a no-fault State. Your wife will not be punished or held accountable for cheating in any separation, it won't even come up in Court. But let her know you have screenshots proving her infidelity.

Get your ducks in a row, but be prepared for the fact that she most likely will not leave the house and will try and make you leave. Don't. Be prepared for accusations against you, and possibly threats of protection orders. Never raise your voice. Ever.

Though as others have suggested, I have a feeling she has checked out, and will be happy to shared custody, with you being primary carer.

Dare I say it, you may find life easier when you adjust and are not also caring for her.

HildaOgdenx · 05-04-2023 02:34PM

Mod Note - I have deleted some back and forth discussion re what the OP's wife may or may not be entitled to receive in the event of separation.

Thanks all who have contributed practical advice regarding the OP's situation and let's keep to that.

Hilda

Apiarist · 05-04-2023 03:02PM

OP, sorry for your troubles. Your trust has been broken. But it might be possible to work out things with your wife still. Decide for yourself what you want and talk to her. Maybe an open relationship is an option -- that way you both can take care of your child while seeing other people. Or you may decide to separate, but then it's easier if you decide between yourselves who is going to be the main custodian of the child, the house status etc., before hungry lawyers gobble your savings in a protracted battle.

StevenToast · 05-04-2023 03:15PM

You have my sympathies OP.

What you are doing for your son is heroic.

It was simply gut wrenching reading your post.

You are a good man that deserves better. I wish good things for you in the future......

Eurox6 · 05-04-2023 04:04PM

Walk away form her,

Your life is as stressful or more so than hers & you have remained faithful ,

Move on with your life & get someone who deserves you ,

The first few months will be extremely hard but you will not regret it, You'll never trust her again

Sardonicat · 05-04-2023 04:15PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120444334#Comment_120444334

How can he just up sticks and walk away when his son has profound needs and cannot cope with change? Ending the marriage will have to be worked through very carefully and the needs of his son will have to be front and centre of every decision they make.

Eurox6 · 05-04-2023 04:53PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120444372#Comment_120444372

Sorry i mane walk away as a figure of speech,

Let her know in no uncertain terms its over between him & her, the man deserves to live & not fell trapped with his wife because of his son's needs,

She seems to have taken advantage of him & his good nature & now she needs to take half the burden ( don't like using that word about a child so i apologise ) for the responsibility for there son ,

jood22 · 05-04-2023 05:19PM

As many have said I would definetely recommend seeing a solicitor.

A good friend, who has a child on the spectrum, left her husband almost 7 years ago. She had also seeked advice from a solicitor. It was extremely acrimonious for several years but the childs interests were always first and centre.

They have now reched a fairly friendly agreement which none of ús would have thought possible.

It will too happen with you but please do get your ducks in a row first and absoloutely talk to a counsellor. This is hugely traumatic and heart breaking for you so you need to look after yourself to be able in turn to mind your beautiful Child.

Best of luck, and Im so sorry thís has happened.

PI_R_Anon_12345 · 05-04-2023 06:45PM

Hi all, I appreciate the feedback so far. A couple of comments or additional information:

If we didn't have a child with additional needs, I'd be out the gap already. It's his needs that make things super complicated. He doesn't cope well with change, so need to thread lightly.
There's no saving the relationship, I don't want to, and while I might (in time) forgive the breach of trust, I can never trust her again.
I might have been a bit harsh or vague in my OP, I'm not saying she's checked out as a parent or is a bad mother. It's just that I do the majority of it. Maybe it's a direct opposite of traditional gender roles, I don't know.
I said I'd not do anything until after she goes away again. This is mainly to give myself time to get my head in order and know what I want to do.
I'm worried I'll get caught on the hop and she'll tell me before I can confront her, but I think she wouldn't do anything until after her trop in a few weeks, so I'll hopefully have met with a counsellor and solicitor by then.
Somebody suggested she left her phone for me to find it. I don't think so. It was dead in her bag, and she had planned to bring that bag with her. I just know her pin (she knows mine) so wasn't hard to open it. I did notice that discord (the app she uses for chatting) was set to have notifications turned off, so she was covering herself a little. And it was buried on the 4th or 5th page of apps.
I didn't get screenshots or anything like that from the phone, so as of now I have no real proof. I don't think she'd go down the route of denying it, but maybe she would? Might be something I need to think about. But would looking at her phone without her knowing be a knock against me?
I truly believe that at the end of the day she would not be so spiteful as to block me from being main caregiver for our son. I don't think we'd need a fight on this, but who knows really?
One thing I didn't mention is that I hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs. Even now part of me is ignoring this and hoping it'll go away (it won't), and she's the character that will dominate a conversation of this sort, so that's going to be tough.
One last note, she's clearly not viewing this as a permanent thing on her end, or at least she's not acting that way. We currently rent and even today she was sending me houses that would be good to buy, so that's a bit strange. Even though her messages to her man seem to suggest she's done. She probably doesn't know herself I guess...

Madd002 · 05-04-2023 07:17PM

Don't buy a house, my dear sis did this to the father of her 2 children 15yrs ago even though she checked out of relationship, he bought builders finish and she spent a fortune kitting it out to her taste, eyewatering. Anyhow she was having an affair, he rented a car & followed her one night as he had his suspicions. She thought once she was in the house she'd get to stay because of kids etc. but fair play he wasn't having any of it as courts in Ireland tend to take mothers side and he would've ended up paying mortgage and child maintenance.

TheadoreT · 05-04-2023 07:55PM

Try to get a bit more courage to stand up to people in the future. We'd like to think its a perfect world where being nice is enough to garner someones respect but the reality is women will lose it for you if you're afraid of confrontation or her strength of character. Life is rarely fair and you have to accpet that. Letting them have their way may seem like it gives you an easier life short term, but all too regularly leads to sexless relationships and these types of unpleasant situations long term.

Don't take that as victim blaming, more something to work on for the future so you don't end up in a similar mess again

--------

Gender generalisations are a breach of the Charter- warning applied

marilynrr · 05-04-2023 11:50PM

Since you know where she is and what she is doing, would you consider going over there (maybe bring a friend) and bust her red-handed in her cheating?

She would never suspect a thing, and the reaction would be interesting.

DO NOT do this OP, you sound calm at the moment, That could turn to rage if you saw them together. I would consider the messages to be catching her red handed anyway.

Might be something I need to think about. But would looking at her phone without her knowing be a knock against me?

A knock in what way?

Fingers crossed you get to meet with a counsellor and solicitor soon because this is an awful situation to be in while trying to remain calm and pretend you don't know anything is going on.

cuttingtimber22 · 06-04-2023 01:13AM

The main thing is to plan on what you want (and what is in the best interest of your son), and to find a way to get there.

What she went looking for may be an escape from a difficult situation and circumstances so I would tend not to beat yourself up or blame her too much on.

Let her off. Best to move on. but one other aspect is to think of her parents role as grandparents if they are still alive and have an active (and positive) role in your wife’s life and your child’s life messaging and arrangements around the future role could be helpful and manage the transition.

YellowLead · 06-04-2023 07:04AM

OP it’s great that you are taking some time to think this through and consider your next steps, which as you have mentioned is necessary because of the child you share.

Don’t worry for being found at fault or whatever because you looked at her phone - that’s neither here nor there, nor is whether or not she denies it because you know it to be true and nobody else matters.

I would imagine she’s looking at houses to buy with you to either keep up appearances or because she is happy to go along with this given on her own she might not be able to afford one, and undoubtably would have to do some more of the care-giving with your son if there was shared custody or an expectation on her part she should take the primary custody.

A friend of mine said to me recently he felt sorry for this girl he knows that he fancies who is cheating because she can’t leave her boyfriend. I asked why, are there kids involved and he said no, she needs him to buy a house with as she can’t afford the kind she wants by herself. I feel sorry for that poor mug she is dating and no doubt this scenario is replicated in other couples.

Anyway, to get back to you - regarding the living situation get professional advice and what might work best for your son - whether that is him living with you full time and your wife visiting, or he can manage shared custody in two places or you both continue to live there for a while, I really can’t advise what is workable for a child with his needs - perhaps there is a way to introduce the change slowly.

When this comes to a head remain calm and firm in your decision - you won’t be able to trust her again and you are better off leaving yourself single to maybe find love one day, she may try and plead and beg so be prepared for that.

I hope in addition to a counsellor and solicitor that you have friends and family your can confide in who can support you through this, it won’t be easy but you will come out the other side. Best of luck.

TheadoreT · 06-04-2023 07:24AM

I'd consider telling her parents before you tell her to give them a small heads up before it blows up, perhaps do it while she's away in May.

The way you describe her character the fall out from this may be very ugly. You're not going to be able to really take on that burden so it's up to them in the main. She'll obviously be coming home on a bit of a high and to be hit with this could spin her into a manic depressive state where the chance of impulsiveness and self harm would be quite a lot higher than someone without her condition.

farmerval · 06-04-2023 08:18AM

OP Deepest sympathy for your situation.

There's no point anyone online guessing at your wife's motivation. You've both carried heavy burdens between her depression and your sons needs. You're decision to let this situation run until you get the support you need in place is what you believe is best for you, however whatever she is saying to you now is a lie and whatever you are saying back to her is a lie. They're heavy burdens to carry.

Professional advice and support ASAP is all you can do and then decide your next steps. Is there anyone you could confide in? Just to let you blow off some steam, get the thoughts out of your head, maybe siblings or friend?

Whatever supports you get and whatever good people around you will help and advise, you will have a huge amount of thinking to do to decide what kind of life you want for you, and your son going into the future.

Short term, try and get as much support around yourself as possible. Mind yourself and your son. Hopefully you'll both get through this and end in a better situation going forward.

Wife is cheating - what next?

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