Wife is cheating - what next?

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120937376#Comment_120937376

With all due respect, cj, and we get on like a house on fire elsewhere, this is terrible advice. The courts take a very, very dim view of people attempting to hide assets and it's generally very easily found out. The OP needs to go into this with his children's best interests front and centre, not preparing for "war" with his wife. He should absolutely lawyer up but as a divorced (property but no children) woman myself, in a committed relationship with an almost-divorced dad of three (family home involved), it can be amicable. Genuinely. If people can set ego aside. I'm not saying it's easy, but it can be done.

feelings

^^ they take a dim view of men hiding assets. The courts couldn't give a fiddlers if women do it.

Donald Trump

Paternity test just to be sure if there is any trace of doubt in your mind on that front. It might not have been her first time cheating.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120937385#Comment_120937385

You’re right, but i was probably blinded by my own divorce where i was cleaned . As for my hiding the money comment i meant close , and check, any joint accounts you had . I didn’t know it at the time when you have both a personal account and a joint account with the same bank, they can login to the joint account and transfer money. And I discovered I need to go to the high court to get my records.

im sorry if my hasty post misled you, but in my ( only) experience . Cross your tees for the upcoming appearances.

my divorce was far from amicable.

PI_R_Anon_12345

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120939927#Comment_120939927

What is wrong with you?

PI_R_Anon_12345

Op here. I appreciate the constructive help and advice. I do not appreciate, and do not want to see people talking about hiding assets or minding my money or even alluding to paternity issues. If that's the type of comments you want to add for others, then fine. But not here.

TheadoreT

I don't know many cheaters but ones I do would all be multiple offenders. OP you seem to be having a difficult time seeing reality for what it is. If she so brazenly lied and cheated on you like you've described its absolutely possible (tbh probable) she's done it before, therefore the paternity suggestion is pretty sensible. People who are disposed to cheating tend to crave that validation and stray repeatedly in relationships.

Big Bag of Chips

The OP has said there is no question of paternity. Can people please advise mature, constructive, civil advice without resorting to name calling or belittling anyone please. It is very possible to offer advice on how to protect himself while leaving the digs at his wife out of it.

If you find yourself unable to, we suggest you don't post until you figure out how to.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120940982#Comment_120940982

I don’t mean hiding money . But looking after yourself that a court will see you as someone children can have a good life with.

C3PO

I’ve been where you are OP and I understand exactly how you feel. It’s very hard for people to understand the sense of betrayal and the all consuming obsession that can arise when your long term partner cheats on you. Probably not much consolation to you at this stage but eventually you will stop hurting! I came across this recently and it really resonated with me:

“It eventually gets better, without any sort of explanation; one day you just realize that you’re no longer upset. You’re no longer mad, hurt, or bothered by the things that took so much of your energy and thoughts. You will find yourself in a peaceful place and enjoy that feeling.”

Bobtheman

Do you really want a divorce? Would you not consider couples counselling?

Yes she has been a...

But you once had a good relationship and she has been overwhelmed by events.

People react differently to stress. Some drink. Some cheat.

Divorce is a **** storm all on its own

Please reconsider because at some point your son will want to know if you tried to save the marriage.

PI_R_Anon_12345

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121039521#Comment_121039521

I think encouraging someone to save their marriage without knowing the ins and outs is extremely irresponsible and unhelpful. Please don't do that here again, and I'd hope you wouldn't do it elsewhere either.

As an update, I finally move out tomorrow. It's been a long summer, but it's like a weight off now, I'm excited. Me and my ex's relationship is decent at the moment, we're able to be together as often as needed for our son, but I'm looking forward to the extra space (even if it is in my parents house for now).

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Warned: Backseat moderation

Bobtheman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121040432#Comment_121040432

Fair enough but the same could be said about somebody telling somebody to go Nobody really knows another person's relationship. In the end it's your decision. Nobody else. You have been through a lot. I wish you the best now

PI_R_Anon_12345

Moving onto the next part of the process, we've been living apart now for a few weeks and it's definitely better for my mental health and all that. We're being civil and stuff too which is good, it's important for the small fella.

New issue came up today, my ex is applying for carers benefit, part of the form asks for maintenance details.

>>mod snip<<

Hannibal_Smith

OP, I've removed the last part of your post as it will only lead to a PM exchange that is not permitted in PI/RI.

If your ex partner requires advice on how to complete the form, there must be numbers she can contact on the form? Alternatively there is a State Benefits forum here which may be a better place to ask.

HS

notdan

im in this situation but i choose to forgive her. i dont know if she is still doing anything with the guy or any other guy but i live a life of misery. i am always wondering if she is still cheating. i try to check her phone any opportunity i get. my mental health is bad i suffer with anxiety now and i dont like to go out anymore, work then home and repeat.

why dont i leave? simple reason is i cant - i worked too hard to build up the things i have. i would lose my kids to wkend visits, the house i have built and half my pensions and savings. fact is she knows she can do what she wants and the law has her back, and that i cant end it.

im glad you are leaving her and sorting this out - i wish the best in the future. onwards and upwards

xyz13

@notdan courts are not black and white as some ppl seems to think. Yes, men tend to get the shorter end of the stick most of the time, but not always.

Many men have primary care of children and the mothers are left to have weekend visitation.

I'd recommend opening your own thread.

Look after yourself... Best of luck!

Timing belt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121178318#Comment_121178318

Men only tend to have primary care when

- it’s something the female wants

-the kids are old enough to voice there wishes (I.e. teenagers)

or if there is concern for the child’s well-being due to alcohol or substance abuse and even at that it is only a last resort where the female refuses to engage with help for their addiction.

The rest of the time the mother will be the primary career so it is still very black and white.

notdan

i went to my solicitor and he told me straight out there are 2 female judges in the family court in my county and that i would not come out favourably - not at all. he pretty much advised me to try fix the marriage. its so hard to pretend to be happy, i saw all the messages and pictures they sent to each other and it hits me every day even tho it was 5 years ago now. i told my parents and they said to forgive her this time for the kids sake.

the humiliation and betrayal are like knives in the gut. but everyday i act like its all ok because thats whats expected, smile and get on with things - and tell myself your a grown man - act like one. the black dog kicks around most days now too.

kids are oblivious to it and thats the only thing im happy about.

anyways sorry OP for hijacking this thread - it just resonated hard with me.

PI_R_Anon_12345

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121179612#Comment_121179612

Hey, it's the OP here. No worries about joining thread, it's a similar issue. I will say this, while it's been hard having to move out and be away from my child on a daily basis, it has helped me to no ends from a personal point of view. I still feel rubbish from time to time, but it's getting easier, and doesn't feel like I'm trapped in a pit.

Maybe it's where you are in the country, but when I spoke with legal advice i was told that the automatic rights to the mother isn't there, and the 50:50 divide isn't a thing either (at least it's not automatic). Also, the longer you stay together, the more entitlements your partner retains.

I'd suggest speaking to a counsellor, it helped me. I'd also encourage you to be somewhat selfish for yourself, you deserve to be happy too. And lastly, speaking from personal knowledge, don't assume your children are oblivious. If they're young then they won't know what's going on, but they'll still see that their father is unhappy, and that could alway fester too.

I'm not saying that separating is what's best for you. I'm not saying separating is easy (it's not, it's awful, and even though I'm happier, I wouldn't say I'm happy either). I wish you well though, and hope that whatever approach you take helps you out.

PI_R_Anon_12345

OP here. Having a not great time of it this weekend. My ex had arranged to go away for a long weekend, so I spent weekend on my own with my son. That side of things, not an issue. But the reason my ex took the weekend was to go back to meet the guy she had the affair with, in his country. She was upfront about it, she had told me they were messaging again (they had broken off all contact for a few weeks after the whole affair came to light) and didn't want to lie or anything.

While I appreciate her honesty, and I know that our relationship in a romantic/marital sense is dead and will never come back, still hurts, and I'm in a total funk this evening/night.

I'll be fine again come tomorrow, but it's a crappy situation and it just feels all very unfair.

Like I said, tomorrow will be better. But still had to put something out there on how I'm feeling.

FishOnABike

i went to my solicitor and he told me straight out there are 2 female judges in the family court in my county and that i would not come out favourably - not at all.

It's a damning indictment on family law in our country that the legal profession is well aware of the bias in the system and of some judges in particular, admit it unashamedly and and still silently go along with it and even exploit it if it can be played to their clients advantage.

It is long past time that people need to start speaking out loud and being heard.

Goodigal

That's tough on you OP. You don't need to hear her plans or the details of her reconnection with the guy. Tell her you'd rather not know anything about personal life other than the caring arrangements for your son. It's v hard to switch off the thoughts and it hurts for a v long time.

I hope you're feeling a bit better today.

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - Some posts deleted.

As per the charter: Personal Issues is an advice forum. 

Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.

If unfamiliar with the charter, please read it before posting.

Thanks

Hilda

Jb1989

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121220104#Comment_121220104

Perhaps, you need to get a new partner?

If you'd still like a new partner, I'd imagine it would do you good. Give you something new and fun to think about. I'm sure there's plenty of single, genuine women out there, who would love you back lots. A new relationship for yourself is bound to prevent you thinking too much about your ex as you'll have a new love to fill your needs.

Of course you may have gone off women and that's grand. But if your still interested, then get out on the scene again, at least to take your mind off your ex.

You've done well to move out, I'd imagine a new love interest would be another positive stepping stone.

Rezident

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120937385#Comment_120937385

This is not true in Ireland, it is very easy to hide assets from Irish courts, e.g. pretend that it was a loan from your parents (no need for a loan agreement or anything in Ireland), I know for a fact that this scam still works in Irish Courts today and is not investigated even when brought to light. Also, they only go back a few years of bank accounts and still have no clue about crypto in cold wallets etc.

Irish family law system seems to be stuck in the dark ages, plus it takes what, 4 or 5 years to get divorced!? And Ireland calls itself a developed country. The few judges I have experience of were excellent, very wise and fair but they are stuck within the law as well and it is totally lopsided in Family Law in Ireland. The system awful, unimaginably slow and totally unfair against fathers, as everyone knows. My ex wife broke the court order over ten times and there is no punishment (for mothers).

Oh and also Irish mammies are seemingly allowed to make up limitless, baseless false accusations, to slow the process down for years, which will happen when it is not amicable (took a friend of mine 7-8 years to get through the separation and divorce) as each time the false allegations require yet another waste of time 'expert report' that adds another 6-9 months, you have to pay for, and will certainly contain mistakes. Even when all false allegations are disproven, there is no deterrent and no credible threat of enforcement (against the mother, obviously a man would be jailed if he broke a Court Order but Irish Courts do not jail mothers even for repeated breaches of Court Orders).

Also, if one party wants to be amicable and the other party does not, then it simply cannot be amicable and the family law solicitors will ensure that.

OP - this is brutal on you, you are, understandably in mourning now for your broken relationship. But I honestly believe it is better you found out sooner rather than later that your ex was not trustworthy and you can find someone you are compatible with in time. Try not to focus on them, and ask yourself what you can improve about yourself, did you do absolutely everything in your power to make the relationship work form your side? Take some time for yourself and your son and in time you will be better wiser and stronger. Good luck. The pain is brutal, but pain, we can endure. You are not alone.

PI_R_Anon_12345

Op here. Today is my birthday. I had to go to a meeting in school about son, and took him away after school, he's with me for the weekend now. I saw my ex at school and we had exchanged texts this morning about meeting. She didn't wish me a happy birthday and didn't get anything for me from my son (he's 7 and has additional needs, he's not going to be buying me anything).

Separate to this, not one of my friends reached out to say happy birthday (probably because I'm not on Facebook so nothing to remind them).

My family were sound, but I still feel so so low. It's like I've been forgotten about. I don't think my ex chose not to get something for me from small lad, I reckon she just forgot. But it's still a kick in the teeth. Without my siblings and parents, who's there to make a fuss?

I had a friend who raised her kids alone (the dad left when they were young) and I know that her mum used do all of the gift buying from the kids to their mother until they were old enough. I'd like someone to do that for me.

Noworries!

Happy birthday buddy, all the best

magic17

Happy birthday man! You will have infinitely better ones in the future. Time is a great healer. You know exactly where you stand with this person from their actions and that is a blessing in disguise. Take your time, heal up from what you're going through because it isn't easy and know that life will get better when you're ready for it.

Xidu

Happy birthday to you!

your birthday is same as my daughter’

Halloween birthday 🥳🥳

I hope you can get yourself a piece of cake!

and make a wish for future life.

my ex cheated on me when our daughter was only 1.5 year old, I found his affair when I was 4m pregnant w our son. At that time I quit my job to mind kids. We had no house bought. I chose to carry on marriage as kids were too small. 12years later last year, I finally decided to move on. Right now I am making 3 times than he makes. I have a new boyfriend who is younger than me!

believe in yourself! Life will only get better.