As heartbroken as one could possibly be........

Big Bag of Chips · 02-03-2023 06:30PM

And if you're admitting that she's likely to struggle in a low wage job, as a single parent, surely tapping your fella for a few quid would be the perfect opportunity for her to not struggle quite so much.

To he honest, it sounds like she's doing a great job - and rather than you looking down your nose at her thinking you're better than her, it sounds very much like you're threatened by her and jealous of her.

Your relationship with your bf should only be between you two. I know you are trying to say he's turned his life around and is fabulous now. So, if he has, what's the problem? Get on with your relationship and stop trying to find reasons and excuses to blame others for it not working out. As I mentioned before, 10 years of this lad has really done a job on you. Nobody would blame you for not wanting to commit. But at the same time you're probably trying to prove to others, and yourself, that you were right to stick it out with him all along. That you can live happily ever after. And maybe you can. But only if you let go of all this misdirected anger. This woman has done nothing to you. She wants nothing from you. She doesn't want anything to do with you. Yet you are laying the blame for all your troubles at her feet.

I can guarantee you one thing - she is not obsessing over you tonight.

HazeDoll · 02-03-2023 06:34PM

If you're willing to take a step back and be honest with yourself you'll probably realise that your newfound interest in having his babies is almost certainly reflective of a desire to 'win' him back from this lady for once and for all.

If you are the mother of his child he can't ever leave you, right?

Now consider his past behaviour and use it as a guide for his future behaviour.

You believe he got a woman pregnant and proceeded to willingly detach himself from her and from his child.

This is who he is.

oldfriend213sf · 02-03-2023 07:37PM

You're here because something's not working, OP. There's probably a lot, a lot, a lot of complex stuff sitting beneath the surface and driving you deeper into scenarios that don't work for you. Fundamentally that's a lack of self worth and self belief and probably none of that is your fault.

But you're 33 now. Judgement and internalised misogyny is not on. If it was me, and I was having these raging feelings about someone that I really do not know and building conspiracy theories about their actions, it'd be time to step back and reflect on myself. Is there any part of you willing to do that? We don't feel the way you're feeling about this woman without a deep unhappiness about our own lives. Why is it hard for you to crack on with this newly reformed boyfriend and have the children that you so desperately want?

Is it because you know he's not right for you and bringing a child into this scenario would be deeply damaging to them? And not just deeply damaging, but also unfair and unsafe? A child is a gift, someone to be cherished and protected. Motherhood starts now, in acting responsibly to make sure you can offer them the best possible chance of a happy and safe environment to grow up in. Can you offer a child a loving, stable environment with this man? Holding vengeful, bitter resentment for this woman will not offer emotional stability and safety for this child. It will mean they'll grow up seeing your anger and resentment and distrust of your partner as "normal", and they'll be traumatised by that.

I'm holding out hope that these issues will lead you into the right understanding of your situation, and the right decision for your future.

Tork · 02-03-2023 08:18PM

It's obvious that you're directing all your anger at this woman because you know that all is not well under your own roof. There's an awful lot you're not telling us here and that's fine. This is a public forum and there's only so much anybody can write. But for your sake, I hope you're not brushing the troublesome parts of your story under the mat. Sometimes people talk a problem out to a certain extent, then shut down and declare that everything is fine. It's easier to sell yourself the narrative that the other woman is a slag and that your ex's troubles are now behind him. You want to tie everything up in a neat bundle and declare to the world that after 10 years of turbulence, everything's grand. Are things fine though? Really? To me you sound like a woman who can't countenance the idea of giving up on the 10 years she has "invested" in a troubled, on-off-on-off relationship. Her biological clock is ticking and her partner seems to be less fucked up than he was. So even though the ducks aren't in a row, she wants to have children.

Honestly OP, you need to talk to a professional before you do something you regret.

YellowLead · 02-03-2023 08:24PM

The vitriol coming from you directed at this other woman is alarming. It’s not HER fault your long term on/off boyfriend doesn’t love you the way you want him too. Do her a favour and stop obsessing over her and her poor child and leave her alone.

Then get a lot of counselling.

Then see if a healthy you is still in retested in dating this man, and if you are ready to have children with him or with anyone.

marilynrr · 02-03-2023 09:00PM

He was bothered about finding out but she has him convinced its not his now and I guess he has accepted that :(

He couldn't possibly be genuinely 'convinced'. He knows there's a high chance but it's easier to just say "oh well, she said the baby isn't mine".

And everyone telling me walk away remember over ten years I’ve been on and off with him. It’s not all that easy to walk away from.

Many people who tell you to walk away will have walked away from long term relationships/situationships themselves. No it's not easy, but it tends to be for the best.

Because she doesn’t want her kid playing happy families with me? Also my partner doesn’t want to be with her……so maybe she wants a fresh start without any baby daddy

You seem very intense. I would be freaked out if my baby daddys girlfriend was like that tbh. You sound so 'possessive' of the idea of giving him the first child and also how said you want multiple kids to 'beat' her. If I picked up on that vibe from my baby daddys girlfriend then I'd be very scared of you being in my babys life!

That's along with the fact he's unstable and on drugs etc. Having to co-parent with a drug user is a nightmare. I very much believe a child should know who their dad is and have a relationship with them where possible, but I also understand why someone with a small baby would be terrified in that situation.

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 09:57PM

I wouldn’t accept her child or be willing to have anything to do with it to be honest……if she came back in a few years with a confession I think I’d have to make him choose because I’ve been really clear about it being a deal breaker for me……..that’s why I kinda wanted the truth so I could make my decision but maybe just have to go with my gut :(

Goodigal · 02-03-2023 10:07PM

It's so strange that you're so angry/irritated/aggravated by this woman for NOT wanting your partner to have a role in her child's life. I feel sorry for her. You're obsessed.

I'm honestly bemused at the way you're looking at this. Bringing a child into the world when you're this caught up in whether the child is his or not is definitely not a good idea right now. As others have advised, seek counselling for yourself asap and reassess how you feel after that. Focus on yourself first.

02-03-2023 10:20PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120305083#Comment_120305083

You're wrong about that. Children are not "pay per view".

Maintenance and Access are treated as completely separate issues by the Family Courts.

Receiving maintenance does not mean she would have to hand her child over to anyone every weekend. (The opposite also applies - not paying maintenance is not justification for access being denied).

Even if he was the father, with his history of addiction, she would be within her rights to request supervised access only.

My advice to you, is leave her alone and stop harassing her. It's not your place.

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 10:29PM

I meant if you don’t alert ur kids dad to their existence by asking for money then there’s no fear of them wanting access to the child. And if your child’s father is bad enough then I’d imagine it’s a fair trade.

I think I just posted hoping someone might have some advice or something comforting to say since I’m clearly a bit emotionally distraught about the whole situation….

02-03-2023 10:36PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120307640#Comment_120307640

You've been given some excellent advice by a few posters here, but you have to be open to taking it in.

You need professional help.

Hannibal_Smith · 02-03-2023 11:12PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120307640#Comment_120307640

OP, you have 3 pages of really good advice and kindness. Just stop for a minute and ask what you need to be comforted about? What do you feel has been done to you? This is between your boyfriend and the woman and relates to something that may or may not have happened when you werent a couple.

The child is 18 months old. Have you spent the last 18 months heartbroken? Or has something happened in the last few days?

Hannibal_Smith · 02-03-2023 11:14PM

Actually I just see the OP has deleted their initial post so I'll close this one off.

Thanks everyone who offered advice.

HS

As heartbroken as one could possibly be........

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