Possible Sexual harassment

Bikeboo · 07-12-2021 10:04am #1

I’m asking for my sister as I consider this sexual harassment but she isn’t sure and like most women doesn’t want to create a big fuss or make this situation worse for herself.

She has to work in a close environment with one particular person. A Man. He keeps calling her sweetheart and putting his hand on her lower back. Touching her hand and being over familiar and touching her arm any chance he can get. I’ve told her to use covid apart but the nature of the work means they have to be close together.

Now before anyone jumps on me. She is a kind woman and finds it very hard to stand up for herself. I’m too much the other way and would tell him to back the f@@k up from the first touch.

She is intimidated by him and now dreads if she’s on duty with him.

Ive told her to report it directly to the company if she can’t say it to him directly. It’s complicated as he also has a sibling who works in the same company and she is nervous that she may be bullied by this person if she reports her brother.

All advice welcome and I just want to show her the replies here to give her the confidence to see she is not in the wrong for wanting him to stop this behaviour.

Please be kind with your replies and try to understand how nervous she is about the whole thing.

07-12-2021 10:10am

Thats not on at all.

Quiet word is def the best approach but if not, quiet word to hr.

No other way.

Cyrus · 07-12-2021 10:13am

definitely not ok, she should try say it to him first and then to HR if he persists.

Dcully · 07-12-2021 10:16am

I feel for her its not easy, she needs to 100% tackle this head on.

If HR dont assist in a meaningful way she is better off out of the place.

who what when · 07-12-2021 10:17am

I don't think I'd describe it as sexual harassment though. Maybe inappropriate behaviour? Either way she needs to do something about before it escalates into something that could be classed as sexual harassment!

Cyrus · 07-12-2021 10:29am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118282422#Comment_118282422

whatever it is its inappropriate and shouldnt be tolerated.

mariaalice · 07-12-2021 10:48am

Personally, I would be going for the talking to him approach first before going to HR the way you are describing it, it sounds more inappropriate than anything else what is he like with other staff? if it is only her he behaves like this with I would be concerned, is there a big age difference between them is he a lot older than her.

4dxc · 07-12-2021 10:51am

100% sexual harassment and not acceptable in any way.

Should be taken up with HR or other reporting mechanisms which are hopefully in place!

Bikeboo · 07-12-2021 10:52am

Yes I agree, more inappropriate than harassment. That’s why I wanted other opinions . Maybe if she uses those words with him or HR it wouldn’t be as hard to report.

I just know you have to word it carefully and I guess I’m seeing red as I’m worried and defensive for her.

mariaalice · 07-12-2021 10:58am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118282620#Comment_118282620

In the end, she might need to use the words....please stand back I like my own space I know that is hard to do especially if she is not confident in herself, would she feel alright about discussing it in confidence with the manager saying she is not making a complaint at the moment but is looking for advice?

4dxc · 07-12-2021 10:59am

Well, see the definition below. How and in what way she wants to bring it up is a different discussion, but if she wanted she`d have a case on the below.

If she just wants it to stop it could be a bilateral discussion in presence of another trusted person?

__________

Sexual harassment is an unwelcome sexual advance, unwelcome request for sexual favours or other unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature which makes a person feel offended, humiliated and/or intimidated, where a reasonable person would anticipate that reaction in the circumstances.

Examples of sexually harassing behaviour include:

unwelcome touching
staring or leering;
suggestive comments or jokes;
sexually explicit pictures or posters;
unwanted invitations to go out on dates;
requests for sex;
intrusive questions about a person's private life or body;
unnecessary familiarity, such as deliberately brushing up against a person;
insults or taunts based on sex;
sexually explicit physical contact; and
sexually explicit emails or SMS text messages.

XsApollo · 07-12-2021 11:00am

not sure if it’s sexual harassment but it’s definitely inappropriate , saying that I don’t imagine he is doing the same to any of his male colleagues so….

report it , log it and if there are any issues after reporting it keep logging them, any bullying or constructive dismissal afterwards is a lawsuits wet dream.

don’t need to work in an environment like that and there is plenty of work out there.

thefallingman · 07-12-2021 11:06am

There is a woman in my job who is very like this with men and women, get's right in your personal space and is overly flirty it's very annoying, i dealt with it by saying sorry do you mind keeping back the 2 metres i'm nervous about covid. She took it but things have been frosty since but i'm relieved it's over.

Mrs OBumble · 07-12-2021 1:11pm

Maybe try addressing the sweetheart bit first.

Whenever he says it, reply with "My name is Bikeboo's-sister, please use it."

That might be enough to cause him to back off.

homer911 · 07-12-2021 1:24pm

I'd suggest raising it with her manager first. Going to HR is likely to be a red rag and cause an escalation

JoChervil · 07-12-2021 1:35pm

It is definitely a harassment. The one with touching lower back is definitely sexual harassment.

I would try two things knowing your sister kind and soft nature:

Maybe you could come a have a word with a man?
I would write a card like: my name is..., please use it, I value my personal space, please respect it etc. and give it to him, whenever such inappropriate situation happens

Pawwed Rig · 07-12-2021 1:43pm

First port of call is to tell him to stop. This should end the matter. Do it verbally or by email whichever she is more comfortable with.

I have worked with touchy people before and it has always been harmless in my situation but if she doesn't want it to happen then it shouldn't.

I would suggest being diplomatic as she still needs to work with the guy. Use covid as an excuse re the touching and every time he says Sweetheart correct him.

If he doesn't immediately change his behaviour after that then more stringent measures would be required.

TooTired123 · 07-12-2021 2:09pm

Anyone man or woman in 2021 who doesn’t realise (or possibly accept) that this behaviour is unacceptable has absolutely no excuse.

OP. Tell your sister to make a note of each incident over the next week or so. Date, time nature of incident. If she thinks it at all possible she should approach him and tell him that she’s very uncomfortable with their interactions and that she must insist that he doesn’t treat her any different then he would any other colleague from now on.

If she’s not comfortable then take the complaint to HR. I simply don’t believe that he doesn’t know that this is not acceptable any more.

Pawwed Rig · 07-12-2021 2:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118283956#Comment_118283956

You want her to put up with it longer just to make notes? If it is that uncomfortable for her it needs to stop now

rolling boh · 07-12-2021 2:45pm

Ah she has to have a word with him don't know if he has behaved like this with others and if he is older may not be that aware his behaviour is inappropriate. I know men who have called women love etc and some would find that way out of order . She must have a quite word and if he takes the hump she could take it further .

TooTired123 · 07-12-2021 5:10pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118283973#Comment_118283973

I’m talking about a few days. It’s hugely effective if HR can see a pattern, frequency, examples etc other then a general complaint. You do realise that they will ask her for examples?

BENDYBINN · 07-12-2021 5:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118284179#Comment_118284179

Exactly is the woman capable of speaking for gods sake

Pawwed Rig · 07-12-2021 5:17pm

It is either a tolerable situation or it isn't. If it is tolerable then I cannot see it as sexual harrassment. If it is not tolerable it needs to stop immediately

Mrs OBumble · 07-12-2021 5:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118285376#Comment_118285376

But she needs to anticipate what might happen if it doesn't stop immediately she says for it to stop: if that happens she needs to escalate. To do that, she needs evidence to show that it's a pattern, and to show she has communicated her desire for it to stop.

jim o doom · 07-12-2021 5:46pm

I'm a dude so I don't know how much value my opinion has here, but saying it to the guy directly, while embarrassing, would mean he should hopefully stop and not lose his job (altough if it's legit being done in a pervy manner, he probably does deserve to get fired..).

Going straight to HR is the nuclear option, but if she feels she can't talk to him directly for whatever reason - she shouldn't have to, then she should just take the nuclear option.

Nobody should feel uncomfortable in their job due to the actions of someone else invading their personal space all the time like that.

Akrasia · 07-12-2021 5:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118282620#Comment_118282620

I doubt very much this guy would be touching the arm and back and calling his co-worker 'sweetheart' if the co-worker was a man. This is sexual harrassment 101 and any decent HR department would back her up on this.

She can say it to him first, just to give him a chance to change his behaviour, just tell him that she doesn't like being touched and to respect her personal space and keep it professional, and then it's zero tolerance after that

Bikeboo · 07-12-2021 7:03pm

Many thanks for your advice I have shown my sister the thread and she said she will have to speak up and say it to him directly. She just found out he has been suspended before, but not the reason why so I assume if she goes to HR he will be heavily reprimanded if not fired.

Its not always easy for people to speak up, it took me a long time to defend myself against coercive bullying from a female boss, months on end of verbal slights which is why I just don’t tolerate anything other than professional courtesy at all times now aside from obvious harmless banter of course.

PaulMartin1337 · 02-01-2023 10:55pm

That's harassment, for sure! I hope your sister is safe now!

SimonHenderson · 02-01-2023 11:04pm

Sorry to hear about the harassment your sister is experiencing at work. It's never the victim's fault and that it's completely within your sister's rights to speak up and ask this person to stop. If she feels like she can't speak up directly, it might be helpful for her to report the behavior to the company.

Brid Hegarty · 17-01-2023 8:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118282709#Comment_118282709

Fair play. Funnily, you shouldn't even have to say 'sorry', but of course it makes it easier to say it when using that word.

bobbysands81 · 13-02-2023 1:18am

By the definition of what sexual harassment is, this is 100% sexual harassment.

Possible Sexual harassment

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