More than a weekend away!

BBM77 · 10-08-2022 01:23PM #1

Hi all,

Not very experienced in relationships so looking for a bit of advice and other’s thoughts.

Been dating a woman since the start of January. Has been going very well, the connection is always there. Have a lot in common and similar interests. No problems talking to each other either. At this stage have talked about and agreed we are in a relationship.

Problem is last week she said she was going away for the weekend with a friend. Didn’t have a problem with that. She was away already but different profession with a lot of holidays, so understand that. Turned out the weekend was a full-blown holiday! Actually, went on Thursday and is still not back. Don’t want to go into specifics but there was a possibility for me to come down even for one night. Wasn’t even mentioned. It feels so like she planned to say nothing until it was too late for me and could not come.

It hurts me that

a. she would not be open with me about her plans with me

b. I tried to arrange my holidays so she could come with me. Did not work out but I tried. When the shoe was on the other foot… nothing but half truth

It is not like I am overbearing or pushy, have been very easy going and let the relationship develop naturally. Part of me thinks I should just end the relationship now. Another part thinks I should tell her the problem and see how it goes.

Wondering what ye all think.

Thanks in advance.

Dial Hard · 10-08-2022 01:30PM

I think she's entitled to trips away with her friends and it was a bit presumptuous of you to expect to be invited along for a night.

Having said that, it is a bit odd that she lied about how long the trip was for. How - or even if - you approach that is a tricky one. How much time do you ordinarily spend with eachother?

rolling boh · 10-08-2022 01:36PM

Bit of a red flag she didn't say anything about the holiday which may have been planned a good while back I presume it was a mate she went with . In fairness you turning up for part of it wouldn't have been fair on the pal assuming it was a girlie break .You may be more invested in her than she is with you .

PalLimerick · 10-08-2022 01:42PM

End it, honestly she's not in to you as much as you are her.

You will find the one. It sounds like you'll play second fiddle with this "one". End it before she does and move on.

BBM77 · 10-08-2022 01:45PM

Don’t have an issue with her going on trips away. Even a lot and without me. Would not even normally be expected to be asked.

Usually see each other a couple of times a week.

But yes, same as you, just find it odd she was not open about her plans. Genuinely, have not made an issue any of her trips before.

Dial Hard · 10-08-2022 01:55PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119453837#Comment_119453837

I don't know where you pulled that from, but both of your posts are nonsense, and dangerous nonsense at that.

Entitlement isn't the dirty word you seem to think it is. Both parties in any relationship are entitled to time alone, time to spend with their families, with their friends, enjoying hobbies - a multitude of things. Suggesting that doing so is wanting to be "part-time single" is unhealthy bordering on controlling. They're a couple, not conjoined twins.

Well-rounded people have and keep interests that are separate to their relationships. Nobody can or should (or want to) be their partner's sole outlet. That way lies madness.

A partner should be complementary, not supplementary.

rolling boh · 10-08-2022 02:01PM

I think she wasn't upfront about the holiday with someone she is supposed to be in a relationship with that to me would be an issue .

Jequ0n · 10-08-2022 02:16PM

“It is not like I am overbearing or pushy, have been very easy going and let the relationship develop naturally. Part of me thinks I should just end the relationship now.”

Overreaction if I have ever seen one. Sorry but it wouldn’t even occur to me to expect to be invited along if my girlfriend went on a break with a friend. By all means ask her why she misrepresented the break as a long weekend but judging by your reaction I can see why she didn’t want to mention this holiday in advance…

BBM77 · 10-08-2022 02:25PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119454080#Comment_119454080

Bit unfair, don't think you really read my post properly TBH.

hynesie08 · 10-08-2022 03:35PM

Op, Break up with her, you're clearly not mature enough to handle an adult relationship.

Well rounded people first and foremost maintain and prioritize there relationship they respect it first before and hobbies or interest.

Seeing friends is a hobby? Well rounded people know that having a life outside of the relationship is part of the relationship.

dubh laoch · 10-08-2022 03:45PM

Hi OP,

I can't believe you'd consider ending what sounds like a relationship you're enjoying over this! Imagine how out of the blue that would be for your girlfriend. You've never expressed to her that this kind of thing annoys you! Have a chat with her when she gets back so that you can both outline your expectations of when either one of you decides to go on holidays with friends. I am reading between the lines here but I assume she is working in education if she gets long holidays as you've mentioned. Would you not be happy for her that she gets to enjoy herself and relax? I don't want to pass a judgement on you because I don't know your situation but maybe you should pursue some interests or friendships of your own outside your relationship so you don't feel at such a loose end when she's gone away. Best of luck. I think you know in your heart of hearts how ridiculous ending things over such a small thing like this would be!

BBM77 · 10-08-2022 04:00PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119454616#Comment_119454616

Hi, Great post, thanks very much 😊

10-08-2022 04:01PM

So your girlfriend went away with a friend?

Why on earth would you even want to be invited be a third wheel?

I could understand if she snuck away and you saw her canoodling with another fella, but you just seem annoyed that she went away with a friend and she didn't send you on a minute-by-minute itinerary...

Ash.J.Williams · 10-08-2022 04:05PM

jan was 7 months ago , and you never asked her out you just both agreed you were probably in a relationship

doesnt sound like there’s a spark there

sprucemoose · 10-08-2022 04:07PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119454080#Comment_119454080

this is the correct answer

10-08-2022 05:04PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119454794#Comment_119454794

Oddly enough, I'd say you're the one basing your relationship experience on TV/internet.

BBM77 · 10-08-2022 05:37PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119454720#Comment_119454720

There's one on every board 😁

screamer · 10-08-2022 06:16PM

Dunno OP, there are many things I could say but for sure whatever behaviour they exhibit now will not change in future. The real question is, can you accept that or not. It’s your life and you know your own boundaries so you need to decide these things for yourself.

10-08-2022 06:33PM

For whatever reason, she chose not to tell you exactly when she'd be back. A bit odd, but I wouldn't be breaking up with someone over that. And I wouldn't be looking for an explanation either. Send a text at the weekend and ask her how she got on.

Pissy Missy · 10-08-2022 07:33PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058258254/more-than-a-weekend-away

Hi OP, seems like there was miscommunication somewhere, seeing as it is early days now that you've just agreed you're both in a relationship, there's plenty of time in the future to go away on holidays together. Have a chat when she's back and just say how you thought it was a weekend, not a weeks holidays. Sounds like it was a girls holiday so probably nothing meant personal with her not inviting you.

BBM77 · 11-08-2022 10:34AM

Thank you all for the thoughts. Ending it would probably be a bit extreme alright. Think I need to say I thought it was a weekend is all and discuss. That is all that bothered me really. This she's entitled to trips away thing misses the point in my opinion. Of course is she's entitled to trips away, never said she was not. However, she would have the same reaction if I said I was going away for a weekend and ended up being away for a whole week. When in a relationship you are entitled to feel the other person is being open with you. That is the foundation of trust in a relationship. Don’t think I am being unreasonable wanting trust in our relationship.

TheadoreT · 11-08-2022 01:50PM

I guess it's hard understand what's going on without more context.

It's not that clear in your post, but you only entered into the relationship recently after 6 months of unexclusive dating? Who initiated this? Did either of you want it sooner? Does she introduce you to her friends/family? Is sex regular?

My hunch is she's not that into you as you are her, but could be wrong. Whenever I hear the "everything was great up to now" line its usually not true under scrutiny. Your tone is of someone who's had doubts about her intentions for a while. If not and this is completely isolated its pretty unhealthy to spiral like this when she's off having fun with her mates on her holidays.

skallywag · 12-08-2022 11:50AM

So if I understand correctly, she told you that she was going away for a weekend, which then turned out to mean leaving on Thursday, and still not back the following Wednesday?

I would have a serious issue with that. If I behaved the same to a partner of my own I would also expect them to have a serious problem with it.

It's not normal behaviour, there is something definitely amiss her OP.

DoctorEdgeWild · 12-08-2022 12:01PM

What difference does it make to you how many days she went away for? Unless you had childcare/animal car arrangements. Surely it makes zero difference to your plans? Her physical location shouldn't really be a problem?

Unless I'm misunderstanding something? Did you have to cancel your plans or anything like that? Because that would be a different case in my opinion.

Hotblack Desiato · 12-08-2022 12:25PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119462930#Comment_119462930

If she wants to behave like a single person she should be a single person.

DoctorEdgeWild · 12-08-2022 12:26PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119463046#Comment_119463046

Or, she could behave like a normal person and enjoy herself while being in a relationship.

Did her actions in any way affect her partner? In any way?

BBM77 · 12-08-2022 12:37PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119463059#Comment_119463059

Her actions did affect me. I thought I was going out with someone up to now was very open with me. We have past a number of big milestones in a relationship at this stage. Then this. It is not the going away, length of it or how often she goes away. It is the lack of openness that is an issue.

DoctorEdgeWild · 12-08-2022 12:47PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119463132#Comment_119463132

So the difference of a few days has upset you? Her saying '3 nights' when it turned out to be '5 nights'? I can't really see where you are coming from with that, although I respect that you are upset by this and don't wish to push things and make it any worse for you. I wish you the best and hope you can come together and solve the issue, which I am sure you will be able to do with an honest chat.

BBM77 · 12-08-2022 01:21PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119462874#Comment_119462874

Yeah, that is it. If I did it you can be sure it would be mentioned.

rolling boh · 12-08-2022 01:35PM

Think myself you would do what she has if you really weren't overly serious about your relationship.

Caranica · 12-08-2022 03:33PM

Was it a deliberate week or an extended stay? I've often extended a planned stay somewhere when it's been really good fun/relaxing/whatever

More than a weekend away!

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