More than a weekend away!

BBM77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119464285#Comment_119464285

Yeah, could be. To look at it in a positive light. Maybe when she said weekend away to me that was the plan.

skallywag

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119463059#Comment_119463059

I am not quite sure what type of relationships you have been in but my own experiences tend to be very different.

Thinking quickly back to the last few people I have dated, if I had told any of them that I was heading away for a weekend while I was really away for a week the it was most definitely going to land me in hot water. Fair enough if you ended up staying on a few more days, that can happen, but I would have the courtesy of letting my other half know what was going on. It's just ordinary decent courtesy in my book.

DoctorEdgeWild

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119464487#Comment_119464487

I agree that every relationship will be different but unless you specifically have plans together, what does it matter their physical location? If I'm chatting to my GF/BF and he/she's in work, at their house, or at their friend's house, it really doesn't make a difference?

Obviously if she was outright lying saying she was in bed when at a club, there'd be an obvious problem!

Could it be something as simple as a mis communication in this case? 'I'm going away for the weekend' is easier than saying I'm going away for 4 nights and 5 days. Might have happened here.

dontmindme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119464912#Comment_119464912

Jesus wept...it's not hard to decipher...the OP is hurt there was no communication as to her extended stay. Does she give a fk about him or what? OP you need to now communicate with her your expectations and your feelings on the matter and only you can judge if the expectations are reasonable given the context of your relationship.

skallywag

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119464285#Comment_119464285

Totally agree there, and have done the same myself.

If there was someone though that you looked on an a boyfriend/girlfriend you would probably drop them a line at least saying so though, no?

Caranica

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119465048#Comment_119465048

Depends on whether plans had been made or not. Then again I'm someone who doesn't do clingy closeness, I'd be quite independent even in a relationship.

Still stihl waters 3

You said you haven't much experience of relationships, well use this as experience, work away with her until it either develops into a serious thing or it fizzles out, either way use it as a stepping stone to whatever comes next, if it develops into something solid you'll be wishing she'd go away more to give you a few days break yourself lol

BBM77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119465808#Comment_119465808

😆 Thanks, great post.

Yoshimi79

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119464912#Comment_119464912

I don't think the OP cares too much about her physical location as you keep mentioning, it's more about a little thing called trust

DoctorEdgeWild

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119467799#Comment_119467799

Sounds like I'm in the minority then, I don't see the problem at all. I would find it quite controlling if a partner wanted to know all of my plans, unless living together etc, but if it's a problem for the OP, then that's all that matters as they are the one it has affected.

Big Bag of Chips

I wonder about people who don't seem to see this as a problem in a relationship. The problem isn't that she went away with a friend. The problem is she told him she was going for a weekend and still wasn't home by Wednesday. The problem is courtesy and communication in a relationship.

It's not about control, it's about simple communication. If it was a weekend that got extended why not just say that. You're together 8 months. That is a significant length of time for a relationship. I don't understand the mindset of only when you live together should a partner have to communicate with you about their plans. And I don't think this is a case of wanting to know all of her plans, either. Just "the plan". It's basic communication. She probably told her mother, colleagues, friends, neighbour in passing that she was away for longer than a weekend. Why not mention it in passing to you, her boyfriend?

It might have been something unplanned, spur of the moment, unable to contact you regarding it for a chat. Not looking for permission or whatever, but simply to mention it.

I hope it's just that. All you can do is see how she is when you see her again.

skallywag

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119468447#Comment_119468447

So you would find it controlling if your partner was upset when you told them that you are going away for a weekend, you then stay a week, and make no effort whatsoever to communicate anything to them?

No offence intended here, but have you ever been in a real relationship with someone?

As someone suggested above I imagine it could have been an extended break. She may be more of a spontaneous type than you are, OP. You are probably more of a planner. That can lead to misunderstandings of intent; so I wouldn’t end it now at all, that would be a very bad move.

But it’s getting to you, so maybe you need to ask a question or make a comment in a good humoured manner as to how you didn’t realise it was more than a weekend trip. The trick is not to sound very cynical!

DoctorEdgeWild

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119471031#Comment_119471031

Bit of a low blow to try and bring my personal life into things don't you think? If you want to argue a point, let your argument be strong enough without resorting to that, especially given the nature of the forum we are in which requires a little more tact than others.

But to answer your question, unless it affected plans we had, child care etc, then it would be no bother to me at all. That would change if someone lied directly about it after the fact.

Tork

OP, if I was in your shoes I'd be bothered by this too. It looks like she wasn't truthful about how long she planned to go on this holiday for. Was it always going to be a full-blown holiday or did it just evolve into one? If it's the former, and she wasn't truthful about her plans, then you've got every reason to doubt your relationship and where you stand. If it's the latter, then maybe it's down to how good she is at communicating. Of course it also could mean that she isn't all that invested in the relationship and you're back to square one.

You also mentioned in your first post that when you tried to arrange a holiday with her, it didn't happen. Your comment "When the shoe was on the other foot… nothing but half truth" says a lot. You're obviously not convinced by her reasons for not going on holidays with you. I'd be asking questions too. I'm a big believer in looking at a person's actions and this isn't looking good. You'd think that a woman in a newish relationship would love some away time with her boyfriend and would make the effort to organise something. It looks like she fobbed you off on that front.

If you haven't spoken to her yet, all I can advise is for you to talk to her. Put forward your side of the argument as dispassionately as you can and don't say too much. Watch her reaction - keep an eye on her body language as well as her words - and take it from there.

skallywag

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119471107#Comment_119471107

It is by no means any class of low blow and my apologies if I am lacking in tact. It was a completely genuine question, who am I to know whether you have been in a real relationship or not?

I certainly do not accept your argument that the control card can be casually dealt from the bottom of the pack in an attempt to mask downright disrespect.

DoctorEdgeWild

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119471932#Comment_119471932

We'll have to disagree on how we interpret the OP's post in that case. Where I see a possible miscommunication, other people see a possible reason to end a relationship. The OP invited opinion, I gave mine politely. Hopefully it helps them open up a line of communication with their partner.

skallywag

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119472056#Comment_119472056

I think it is very unfair on him that you are tarring him with the controlling brush.

DoctorEdgeWild

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119472342#Comment_119472342

Let me be very clear then, I don't know the OP in any way, nor do I know his relationship or partner. From his posts in here, he seems very nice and not controlling.

However, I believe that considering ending a relationship based on a partner not telling you all of their plans involving their holiday could be controlling.

Count Dracula

If she is not being upfront with you about how she spends her spare holiday time I would be worried. The fact that she did not include you in her holiday plans is also not good.

At this point of your relationship she should be fairly keen on getting you both away together to see how you get on? If she was into you for real she would be trying to make it happen?

I would not be getting too heavy on any long term notions here, it appears that she isn't either.

Relationships are rarely 50/50. It is not uncommon for one partner to tag along whilst waiting for a better option. Sad but true.

Most importantly, never blame yourself over this. Nothing you can do to change the motivations of another, just keep yourself prepared to deal with partners who will be inevitably less sincere with you over the long term.

Good luck.

skallywag

Thanks for the clarity.

So it still comes back to the same thing then, your point is that the OP is controlling because he is disappointed that his partner told him she was going away for a weekend when it really turned out to be a week, and she made no effort at any point to discuss any of this with him.

OP, disregard any of this 'controlling' chat. You do not deserve this.

DoctorEdgeWild

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119472424#Comment_119472424

Wow, you're really into pushing this point with me. 😂 I'll leave you to it so. Best of luck OP, plenty of good advice from a lot of posters on here.

skallywag

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119472477#Comment_119472477

I am.

You are out of line with the controlling angle and it is very unfair on the OP.

Big Bag of Chips

@DoctorEdgeWild and @skallywag can we get back to advising the OP please. Thanks

Hotblack Desiato

Presumably she's well back by now, if she didn't contact the OP on her return that'd be a bit odd...

skallywag

Best of luck OP.

Floppybits

To me it seems to be something very trivial to be thinking of ending a relationship over. From reading the post the GF said she was going away for a weekend but it was in fact 5 day weekend not a 3 day weekend, to me that is still a weekend away. I have often said I am going away for the weekend but that would be from Thursday to a Tuesday. I wouldn't see it as a week away or anything like that just a long weekend, a week away for me is going on a Sunday and not coming back to the Saturday or Sunday. Its all down to how you see it. As for her not asking you, I wouldn't blame her, she was going away with her friend and it was probably important for the 2 of them to get away together. As a guy if a girl I was in a relationship said to me that she was going away for the weekend with her friend(s), it is the last place I would want to be really, I just wouldn't feel right it would feel like I am intruding on her or something. Op if I was you I would just ask her how the weekend was and did she have a good time? No need for all this palava or whether it was a weekend or a week.

YellowLead

It definitely seems off she wasn’t clear on how long she was going away for. Perhaps she is trying to distance herself a bit and is not sure about the future of what this is. Seems odd to lie to anybody at all, never mind somebody you are supposed to be dating. Lying is a big red flag - I would talk to her but I don’t think the signs are good.

Big Bag of Chips

a week away for me is going on a Sunday and not coming back to the Saturday or Sunday

So the exact same as going away on Thursday and not being back by the Wednesday, then?

OP, I hope you've managed to talk to her at this point. It might be nothing at all or it might be a sign that she's not as invested as you are. I think at 8 months in you're entitled to know where you stand and if you are on the same page regarding what sort of relationship you actually have and if there is any future in it.

BBM77

Hi all,

Yes, have met her at this stage. Think it is one of those things that the optics looked worse than it was in reality. She met friends and stayed longer than planned. Just asked was it a last minute thing staying so long, you said you were going for a weekend. She said it was all last minute, why did it seem like I disappeared. I said yes of course. Think she got the hint. We all make mistakes. Anyway, will see how it goes. Just shows the importance of being open about what you are doing in a relationship. So easy for something to be taken up wrong.

In terms of the debate that came out of the thread. Agree ending a relationship would be going over the top alright. But do think it is something that should not go unmentioned. When in a relationship there is a certain entitlement to be let know what the other person is up to. It is just common manners. The people who argue there was no issue, we will just agree to disagree.

Thanks again for all the advice.