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Mid 30s virgin

  • 23-05-2022 4:06pm
    Registered Users Posts: 2

    OK so I've set up a new account for this because it's something I'm embarrassed and ashamed about and I'm hoping to get a bit of advice on it.

    A little bit of backstory - I'm in my mid 30s and I've never really been good with people. I've never been outgoing or sociable and struggle interacting with people. That's been pretty much the entire story of my life up to this point and to be honest what harm is it - I'm hurting nobody but myself. The problem is I'm so fcuking lonely. I crave interaction and physical contact and its only getting worse the older I get.

    Recently I've met a lovely person and we seem to get on pretty well. We've hung out a few times and message each other quite a bit and the whole thing has been amazing to this point. What's the problem you may ask? Well the problem is I'm a virgin. It's depressing to even type that but it is what it is. The thing with this person may progress and it may not but if it does I don't know what to do. I'd be an honest person in general and my initial thought would be that I'd have to tell them. On the other hand if I do that she will more than likely run a mile.

    Does anyone have any opinion on what the best course of action to take here is? I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,607 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition

    It's not as much of a problem as you think. The only problem is the effect on you. Take it slowly, if things progress, great, don't be afraid to tell her you're not very experienced, she shouldn't care. It might seem strange to you, but genuinely the important thing here is you don't get stressed about it. As long as you don't, you'll be fine. That's 100% the truth, the stress could be a problem, the virginity shouldn't be any issue.

  • Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind

    Why would she run a mile? It's unusual yes, I'd certainly have questions and wonderings, but if I really liked someone I wouldn't run miles in the opposition direction.

    My advice would be to do what's comfortable for you. If you're an honest person and that's an important quality to you, lead with honesty and have the uncomfortable conversation. It'll rule her out as a potential match if she freaks out or has a negative response; or you might be surprised and find that this whole thing is a bigger issue in your head than it is in the real world.

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,586 ✭✭✭Princess Calla

    You're in your 30's I presume she is too or close enough. The days of playing games should be well over. If she saw a future with you it shouldn't really make a difference.

    I'm not saying tell her tonight but do tell her.

    The first time with a new partner, especially if you care for them, is often like your very first time, it can be awkward and fumbly while you figure out what works for each other. So I wouldn't be worrying about performance etc. However, if she knows your history (or lack of) she'll probably take more a lead role the first time.

    I'll be honest and say I'd rather be with a virgin (once they weren't an angry incel type person) than someone who majorly played the field.

  • Registered Users Posts: 132 ✭✭Staleturnips

    There are many things in life you don't need to overthink and this is certainly one of them.

    Don't say anything, just get into bed and let it happen. If you don't manage to pull of a 5 star performance I wouldn't worry, you'll likely get a return leg to redeem yourself. Take action and just do it.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle

    I disagree. I’d say something in advance.

    As mentioned above, I’d say ‘inexperienced’.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 28,617 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78

    theres actually a very good chance you may have autism, you certainly portray typical autistic features, including delayed relationship millstones compared to peers, this is typical with autism, and nothing to truly be concerned about. just be aware sensory sensitivities are common with the disorder, this includes in regards sexual organs, so just be aware of this, if this is the case. consider therapy if all this is the case, as the loneliness can be dreadful, as is the case with myself, as im autistic myself, best of luck

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    Why would she be turned off? If she cares about you she might like the idea of being your first experience, not in a creepy way, but she might like the idea of sharing that experience with you in a romantic way.

  • Registered Users Posts: 517 ✭✭✭tmh106

    Hi OP.

    I think this is something that is a bigger issue for you than it is likely to be for your friend. He/she may think it unusual, but if they are a decent person they will appreciate your openness about this and proceed at a pace you are comfortable with. If your relationship develops to a sexual level I would certainly tell him/her. But you say the relationship may or may not develop in that way so for now I would not worry about this conversation. Just enjoy the relationship for what it is and let it develop at its own pace. If it does become sexual, then you can bring this up. You may be surprised: your partner may have their own fears or concerns about starting a new sexual relationship and may welcome the fact that you are prepared to have a conversation about this - so they can share their own thoughts/concerns. If you do start a sexual relationship, you prior experience is not the most important thing (IMO) , the most important thing is honest communication with your partner.

    OP, a bit outside the scope of your question, but what you write in your first paragraph concerns me. You ask "what harm is it" but it is harming you. You say as much when you say how lonely you are and how much you crave interaction. This is not a healthy state for anyone. I'm not sure what advice to offer on this, other than I think it might be good to discuss this with a counsellor. Just my 2 cents. I really hope for you that your new friendship works out, but whether it does or it does not, I think you need address what you wrote in the first paragraph, for your own long term health and happiness.

    Best of luck OP

  • Registered Users Posts: 221 ✭✭SunnySundays

    The right woman won't care.

    In my experience, I would prefer a guy with little experience than a guy who has slept with loads of women but is selfish in bed & never was in a relationship long enough to understand what really turns women on.

    I dated someone in 2020 who wasn't very experienced. He told me beforehand he told me he was out of practice, hadn't been in many long term relationships, covid & that he wasn't one to sleep around.

    I just though he was attractive so it didn't matter at all.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,128 ✭✭✭SuperBowserWorld

    Don't worry about it.

    Thus is an invented first world "problem".

    Just be honest with them and say it in a coffee shop or restaurant. When you are both sober and relaxed.

    If the other person thinks less of you because of this, then that's their problem. But I doubt it.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 13,505 ✭✭✭✭Mad_maxx

    say nothing , you might be extremely good at it and take to it like a duck to water , nature takes over and it very quickly comes to you through pure instinct , plus there is no definitive method , not everyone acts the very same in bed bar what happens by default

  • Registered Users Posts: 8,209 ✭✭✭FintanMcluskey

    Don't be one bit concerned OP.

    I'd hazard a guess a lot of women wouldn't care one bit as they could "train you" to do it exactly they way they enjoy it

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,958 ✭✭✭Jequ0n

    OP, if you are the party that will get penetrated you will probably do yourself a favour by raising it beforehand.

    I got with a girl who only told me she had been a virgin after we had had sex, because she had been embarrassed. I would have been different had I known, and it probably would have been a better experience for her too.

    If the roles are reversed the “inexperienced” route might work well, and there is no need to raise it. I doubt anyone would mind it though.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2 whatcanido22

    Thanks for all the replies everyone I really appreciate it. It's just interesting to get peoples perspectives on it. Realistically it shouldn't matter but I suppose I was thinking the reaction from people would be WTF and how did it not happen for you before now etc. Maybe even - there must be something wrong with you. Just fear I guess

  • Registered Users Posts: 8,209 ✭✭✭FintanMcluskey

    The hardest part is staying awake after, seemingly it's rude to fall asleep immediately

  • Registered Users Posts: 22 OptiPlus

    They likely won't care, just when the time comes try to control the nerves and take your time. If it doesn't go well try again the next morning. It will all come naturally after a couple of spins and just ask what the other person likes and give that a go. Have fun.

  • Registered Users Posts: 555 ✭✭✭laoisgem

    Another one here who doesn't think its a big deal. First time with a new partner is always awkward anyway. Relax and enjoy OP 😉

  • Registered Users Posts: 54,294 ✭✭✭✭walshb

    Not getting the assumption that “she’d run a mile” from finding out you’re a virgin in your 30s. Unless she’s immature?

    and if you think it’s a risk, don’t tell her. Or maybe downplay it. You’re not the most experienced, or something along these lines.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    I think everyone's needs are different in bed anyway, so in a way, everyone is experiencing each other for the first time when they first sleep together.

    That's kind of the fun of it, finding out what makes the other person tick! Don't be afraid to ask her what she likes, OP.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,319 ✭✭✭XsApollo

    Sure you’ll be nervous but once you get going nature will take over.

    you won’t be long getting the hang of it, everybody is different, you are presuming things about her that she might have never experienced either and you might be the best she ever had.

    I wouldn’t say anything , you’ll figure it out pretty quickly.

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