Open Relationships - Your Thoughts

Liberty_Bear · 21-03-2022 11:46PM #1

https://www.broadsheet.ie/2021/10/15/monogamy-gaspipe/

[quote]

Author Dossie Easton in her book “The Ethical Slut – A Guide to Infinite Possibilities” opines

“One of the most valuable things we can learn from open sexual lifestyles is that our programming is changeable.”

Social mores are much more relaxed than they have ever been in Ireland. Where once a man married a woman for life and was contracted to such an arrangement, relationships come in different forms to the standards that once applied twenty or even ten years ago. The attitudes that constrained us are now faltering .

I spoke recently with a young couple I know and asked about their relationship. Both have been married for nearly 20 years and have two kids. Their modus operandi is each other is an emotional anchor bound to each other. Their emotional bond outweighs any physical attraction they experience.

As the wife had said to me:

“there has been once or twice in twenty years I might have questioned what we have after I met men, I come home every time though as I love my husband.”

A research paper from Dublin Business School (they do have a psychology department one would be surprised to know) looked at the topic. In a paper titled “A Qualitative Study of Individuals Engaged in Consensual Open or NonMonogamous Relationships” –

The study took a small sample and interviewed four participants in the study. It concluded:

” The current research highlights the importance of the discovery in which deeper understanding of oneself is achieved through the experiences of engaging in consensual non-monogamy.”

Open-marriages can provide the oxygen for marriages where one partner feels suffocated. Older couples can lose that spark in the marriage, snuffed out after 40 years of monogamy. A wife or a husband can seem like they are wearing the same clothes for decades, yet this does not speak to the emotional side and the love for each other.

As with the discussion above and the conclusion from the DBS study, these marriages, in which both consent to a non-monogamous relationship, do so through detailed discussion, boundary laying and a sense of attachment that runs more profound than some other relationships.

Worthy noting that open relationships are distinct from polyamory which I want to cover in another column sometime in the future. A distinction that is important is that polyamory is about multiple relationships, however open relationships are more about the sexual liaisons, letting people avoid being caught in flagrante delicto.

Open relationships were the standard bearer of relationships rather than the standard monogamous model we seek and value so highly today. Left with a wife at home, men in Sparta took a younger man for liaisons to encourage bonds between military units. Greece never really suffered from the same complex, judgemental prudish attitude that hangs about Irish society.

[/quote]

Thoughts?

Ubbquittious · 21-03-2022 11:59PM

I dont believe in marriage really. Too rigid altogether. Don't see the problem with staying with one partner if it happens naturally but this craic with getting government & lawyers involved is only nonsense

Liberty_Bear · 22-03-2022 12:00AM

One partner seems monotonous ?

corner of hells · 22-03-2022 12:31AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118816734#Comment_118816734

That's what I tell my wife.

Sleeping on the sofa is OK after a while, it's like camping with an angry wild animal nearby.

Liberty_Bear · 22-03-2022 12:34AM

Do you get to roast marshmallows in the living room?

corner of hells · 22-03-2022 12:41AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118816905#Comment_118816905

Don't be so ridiculous, that would just wake the bear.

chrissb8 · 22-03-2022 12:48AM

Depends on how much stock you put into sex as an important factor in the relationship. For me, it is a huge part of the bonding process and honestly, I need to have a good emotional connection to open up to someone and feel comfortable in intimacy. I just couldn't see how I could do that with another and it felt just transactional. It would mess with my head. There's only one person I can feel such intensity and connection with at a time and that special bond is made all the more special when someone feels the same about me.

The mention of Sparta as an example is fine and there are other examples of non-monogamus cultures. But for the majority of human history, with cultures that didn't even touch each other for many years, they decided individually that monogamous relationships were the building blocks of their society. I personally think that gives strong rise that is on some level the more natural pathway to relationships.

If it works for others fair play but it is a huge undertaking to be considered within a typical relationship. Sex is a huge part of the foundation of relationships for most. Giving yourself in the most intimate vulnerable way, and entrusting that to someone can leave you feeling less when your OH just has the attitude sex is just sex. But anyway just my opinion and my hardwiring speaking.

Liberty_Bear · 22-03-2022 12:51AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118816956#Comment_118816956

I really appreciate that input and its an honest enough account of how you feel. I think in certain situations its a very important issue maybe where one partner has become too ill and one half is caring, Id view an open relationship as a way of tending to a carers needs. There may also be sexual needs not covered in a relationship that one may want. In Sparta it was used to forge a bond between the troops before going into battle.

Loafing Oaf · 22-03-2022 01:31AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058238332/open-relationships-your-thoughts

I spoke recently with a young couple I know and asked about their relationship. Both have been married for nearly 20 years and have two kids.

A 'young couple'?🤐

I don't know why you would get married in the first place if you want to live that lifestyle? Well I doon't see the point of civil marriage anyway but doing it while intending to have bits on the side just seems to be wilfully embracing mess and trauma in your life...

Liberty_Bear · 22-03-2022 01:40AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118817086#Comment_118817086

Take a view that maybe after 40 years you get bored and open it up...would it be better to dwell in a loveless marriage or give partners needs they may have?

Whatdoesitmatter · 22-03-2022 10:43AM

I'm very open to one

Wanderer78 · 22-03-2022 10:46AM

messy, very very messy, id imagine, lifes too short!

sameoldname · 22-03-2022 10:58AM

In my experience the amount of people who claim to be able to handle an open relationship is far greater than the amount that could actually manage one. Like far, far greater.

Thelonious Monk · 22-03-2022 11:29AM

It's probably great if you can make it work without any messy emotions, and this kind of relationship seems to be more and more common in heterosexual couples. Pretty sure the OP is a gay man, isn't this more the norm rather than the exception in gay male relationships these days?

Loafing Oaf · 22-03-2022 11:45AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118817098#Comment_118817098

Yeah but you know that's going to happen sooner or later before you get married. In most cases much sooner than 40 years.

If you haven't mentally prepared yourself to live with that then you shouldn't be getting married IMO...

Vic_08 · 22-03-2022 01:07PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118817762#Comment_118817762

The same could be said for monogamous relationships and marriage considering how many end in cheating and acrimonious splits.

frosty123 · 22-03-2022 06:20PM

John & yoko had an open relationship..she encouraged him to have a fling with their secretary May Pang, he would later refer to it as his 'lost weekend'🙃

sameoldname · 22-03-2022 09:04PM

@Vic_08

True, but I would say that while about 1 in 3 marriages will end in divorce and another 1 in 3 will stay together but not be happy in the relationship , the final third will manage to make it work and be content with each other. On the other hand, I would argue that the amount of people who could actually be content in a life-long open relationship might be 1 in 100? Probably even a lot less than that.

SupaCat95 · 23-03-2022 10:15PM

All grand until one partner gets the clap, has a child with someone else or wants to separate.

silliussoddius · 23-03-2022 10:59PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118826191#Comment_118826191

Or the bit on the side is better at it and wants it more from them.

Dr Leech · 23-03-2022 11:02PM

Everyone belongs to everyone else? Brave new world…

KieferFan69 · 23-03-2022 11:04PM

It’s hall and cheese call and cheese sometimes the Roman wants it with two men though, so be sure before you ask

BingCrosbee · 23-03-2022 11:20PM

I’m 40 years married next year. I would never dream of having an affair and it can tough at times but I wouldn’t swap anything. Respect is the key and neither my wife or I are perfect.

foxsake · 24-03-2022 09:03AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118826503#Comment_118826503

you will own nothing and be happy , i guess.

Hotblack Desiato · 25-03-2022 04:52PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118816723#Comment_118816723

You'll miss the rigidity when it's gone.

Liberty_Bear · 25-03-2022 05:56PM

This is always an option for when a relationship goes stale. I hear countless tales from straight mates that they are bored in the marriage, the sex has gone or 'thhey feel like brother and sister'

25-03-2022 06:23PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118819961#Comment_118819961

May Pang was one fine looking woman in her day.

frosty123 · 26-03-2022 04:13PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118835355#Comment_118835355

She was that, fine bit of stuff😙

Tony EH · 30-03-2022 02:34PM

Open relationships are bullshit. One partner is bound to be "forced" into it to some degree (in that one partner will be more into it than the other) and there will be absolutely a point where jealousy will rear its ugly head. It's practically unavoidable. And it will inevitably become a nightmare of mess when kids are involved.

The thing is, if someone wants an "open relationship", the fact is that they don't really want a proper relationship, full stop, and shouldn't bother with one.

It's just 1960's American codswallop.

Tony EH · 30-03-2022 02:35PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118835242#Comment_118835242

If their reason for getting married in the first place was "the sex", then they did it wrong.

yourdeadwright · 30-03-2022 02:41PM

I'm not a prude & have sowed my own oats in my day but i just don't get this concept,

Just don't get in a relationship if you want to have multiple partners, & if you are in a relationship & still want multiply partners well guess what your relationship isn't the right one because in the correct one you want need anyone else's

I honestly think open relationships are for people in a the wrong relationship but who are afraid to part ways because of hassle or what people might think so they just stay in one to keep up appearances & pretend everything is ok ,

Like imagine your in bed & you missus comes home & gets in beside you for a cuddle after getting her back door knocked in all night & having some other chaps Wang down her mouth, ehhhh no thanks ,

Open Relationships - Your Thoughts

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