Should I be annoyed?

14-03-2022 07:08PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118784642#Comment_118784642

100% agree...... not even a ' potential ' car crash......id say a ' guaranteed soon' car crash.....

I don't get some posters saying he should apologise either??? Bewildered by that ....... not only does she want her ' cake & eat it' too the idea of apologizing is akin to getting her a napkin & fork while she's eating the cake. There's a reason why ' exes' are that...'exes'

_gir · 14-03-2022 07:31PM

OP don’t end but bring up your feelings with her. No relationship survives a feeling of inequality. I would just bring it up when you two have a free moment. I think she would rather you talk about this and explain it and put you at ease if she was willing so quickly to delete his number. Just because you talked about it once, doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it again.

remember most lasting relationships are built on open discussion and truths. No relationship where there is a sliver of distrust or secrecy ever survives long term

Big Bag of Chips · 14-03-2022 09:05PM

This isn’t a case of some fella she used to go out with and she’s still friends with. This is the man who caused her to split her family up and to have her children stop speaking to her. He’s also married. Was he married at the time of their relationship? This isn’t an ex. This is a relationships that has destroyed her relationships and possibly caused trouble in his too. I think after an affair it’s not possible to be “friends”. And if he was married at the time then I can guarantee his wife would not be happy with him being friends with her.

So yes, absolutely you should be annoyed. Other people might be happy with their partner being in touch with someone they cheated on their previous partner with. I wouldn’t be, and you are entitled not to be.

It doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship. But you might want to just take stock of the woman you are with, and her perception of appropriate behaviour. Her life is a mess at the moment and he played a big part in that. The fact she is still keeping that door open makes me question her judgement and her maturity. You are entitled to feel how you feel. This is an iffy situation.

Have you ever had counselling to process your past relationship? It might be worth picking this through. When you are more confident in yourself you will be more confident and assertive about what you expect in a relationship.

15-03-2022 12:18AM

This isn’t a case of some fella she used to go out with and she’s still friends with. This is the man who caused her to split her family up and to have her children stop speaking to her.

I think that sentence is very unfair, and completely ignores the context supplied by the OP that her husband was abusing her terribly and THAT was the real factor in the breakdown of her marriage. Was what she did wrong? Yes. Should she be punished for it for the rest of her life? No.

Some people are making a big fuss about her kids. The OP has stated that they are adults. Time for them to grow up and realise parents aren't perfect. Do they hold their father to account for his abuse of their mother and the part he played in the breakdown of that marriage? Because other posters are not.

Nor would I be worrying to much about the other person's wife, frankly. For all anyone here knows, she probably is aware they are still talk. They were friends before the affair.

Seriously, I think some posters here are not happy until they talk everyone out of their relationships and to suggest the OP just dump her and walk away for this after 2 very happy years together, is simply ridiculous.

To the OP, if you feel you need to bring it up again, do so. But like I posted before, I honestly don't see what else she can do to reassure you, other than what she has done already.

Big Bag of Chips · 15-03-2022 12:39AM

I never suggested he dump her. Indeed I suggested it didn’t have to mean the end of his relationship.

She had an affair with a married man. You are perfectly entitled to feel weird about her still being in contact with him, OP. And nobody has the right to tell you you are wrong to feel like that. We all have our own standards of what we expect in a relationship. What might bother one person wouldn’t bother another. I do think you would benefit from working through everything with a counsellor though. You are obviously carrying a lot from your marriage, whether you realise it or not. It can be freeing to offload some of that. It can also help you to feel stronger in yourself.

Confused11811 · 15-03-2022 01:37AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118786199#Comment_118786199

With all due respect none of us here can form an opinion on who was responsible for the breakdown of the OP's partners marriage based on what been posted here. And as with all marriage breakdowns there's two sides to the story and somewhere in the middle there is the truth.

Also I think you underestimate the importance of an affair in term of the strength of an emotional connection that can form between 2 people who come together at the potential expense of their marriages. Despite what people might think it's usually never an easy decision to have an affair. A one off fling is one thing that can be chalked down to an error or a mistake, an affair is a different animal.

When you're in a miserable relationship and find comfort and joy in the arms of someone else , that someone else can become one of the most important people in your life. The relationship while "wrong" in people's eyes can become so right in your own. There can be an unreal strength, intensity and reliance on such relationships especially when you're so miserable in a marriage. When these relationships end it's usually because they're forced to end and not out of choice. The feelings felt for each other don't just end when the affair is forced to end.

The OP is right to be upset, the situation that brought his now partner together with that man is no longer there, her bad marriage is now over and she's now with the OP. IMHO They're is nothing good that can come from them being friends or chatting.

Also the OP's now partner has stated her ex lovers wife would be upset at finding out they were chatting. The OP doesn't need the drama that could happen from that situation. They're both now nearly kicking the arse off 50 , who the hell wants that kinda BS drama brought to their lives.

I don't judge the woman for her affair or her reasons, that said the OP has the right to be annoyed at the contact between the two. He is not being unreasonable.

Big Bag of Chips · 15-03-2022 09:25AM

The thing is, your partner also has a choice. You are perfectly entitled to let her know this is something that makes you very uneasy. I think many people would be uneasy in your situation. You are entitled to lay down your markers. It is then up to her to accept them or not. She is equally as free to dump you and walk away from your relationship if she doesn’t like your stance on this.

If this friendship is important to her she will choose it over you (and possibly over her relationship with her children). If it’s not, she will step back from it. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to say she can’t have both. It’s then up to her to decide which. That’s not being controlling or anything else people might suggest. It’s your drawing your boundary, which you have every right to do. You are not forcing her to be in a relationship with you. You are not forcing her to do anything. You are simply telling her how you feel. What she does with that information is her choice.

15-03-2022 10:42AM

But they have already done all that.

The OP says they discussed it at length, she acknowledged the OPs feelings and agreed it looked bad from his perspective and immediately (and voluntarily) deleted her old friend's number, (even though the OP never asked her to) . They both agreed that was the end of the matter.

So, again I ask, what more is she supposed to do?

Tork · 15-03-2022 12:43PM

Deleting this man's number isn't the grand gesture you see it as. I don't think she had any choice but to delete it once the OP confronted her with the screenshot. She was caught red-handed and she knew what was at stake. All this does is applies a sticking plaster to a gaping wound IMHO. There are an awful lot of unanswered questions that can't be put to bed by deleting a number off a phone. As has been explained very well by the others, this man isn't just any old male friend or a distant ex who she just sees as a friend. This guy is a significant figure from her recent past and her affair with him had huge ramifications for her. There's a big question mark over why she continued to message him, especially once she met the OP. Nobody (including the OP) knows what has been going on between this pair all during her new relationship or why she continued to keep him in her life. It's a no-brainer that this contact is inappropriate. Would she ever have told the OP she was messaging this guy if she hadn't been found out? Even though the OP and his girlfriend agreed to put the matter to bed, this is far from settled. There are so many unanswered questions here, this needs to be revisited.

JimmyVik · 15-03-2022 12:59PM

Making someone delete a friend from their contacts smacks of controlling behavior to me. But maybe thats just me.

You either trust her or you dont. Sure she could be committing the thought crime of maybe getting close to someone else in future, but she is an adult and presumably knows her boundaries and should expect to be trusted to know them.

Tork · 15-03-2022 01:05PM

But he didn't tell her to delete the number. This is what he said in his first post "I confronted her and she defended initially saying he was still an old friend. She was vague as to how long they had been chatting, etc. We discussed it at length and she agreed from my perspective it did not look good at all. She deleted him and we said we wouldn't talk again about it." She knew straight away that she had done something wrong. When being vague and saying he was an old friend didn't cut it (rightly, in my book) she then deleted him. I'm sure she can get his number again if she wants it but that's another matter.

thefallingman · 15-03-2022 01:12PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118787045#Comment_118787045

the damage was done Loueze by being in contact, they are either meeting on the sly or opening the door to it, i know you want to stick up for the woman here as women do, but you shouldn't the man has been through enough before and cant risk it again, he also has kids to think about, she obviously doesnt care about hers as they'd disown her

JimmyVik · 15-03-2022 01:18PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118787745#Comment_118787745

Coercive control.

Tork · 15-03-2022 01:26PM

If that's your definition of coercive control, you must be throwing that accusation out like confetti.

15-03-2022 01:40PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118787781#Comment_118787781

I don't want to "stick up for the woman here as women do". This is not a gender thing and I am not gender biased.

What I want to do is try and stop the OP from making what I think would be a huge mistake of ending his relationship of 2 years which until now he says has been a very happy one, over this one issue, because posters here are all too willing to feed into his insecurities.

They've already talked it out, and both agreed to put it to bed. If he wants to bring it all up again, he can, but it's picking at the scab, and in the end, that could become what destroys their relationship. Because like JimmyVik said above, he either trusts her, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, then its already over.

As for the "kids", I've already addressed that. He doesn't say how old his children are but did say hers are adults. Maybe their mother is over being held to ransom and punished by them for the sins of the past.

I repeat for the benefit of the OP, they should get some counselling to deal with their own insecurity, before pulling the trigger on this, or they may have serious regrets later on.

a fat guy · 15-03-2022 03:14PM

Lots of mixed extreme responses on here ranging from sentiments as strong as "leave her now!" to "apologise to her now!". I'll never understand how what should be an older age demographic on boards.ie never seemed to get that the truth is often in the middle? Or maybe we're all just here to eat popcorn and mentally get off on other peoples problems...

OP you're gonna have to talk with her about this and we don't know the full details (Were you cheated on before, does she know the full extent of how badly you were treated, was this other man also emotional support during the time they were riding, etc). I would say hold off on the rash decisions for now. You don't know for sure if this is a sign of bad faith from your partner (I doubt it but she could be cheating. Not sure if she'd manager that between your relationship and having kids) or simply inertia (Got comfortable having him around as a friend for years and was single up until she met you, so this situation hasn't popped up on your radar until now).

I'd be wary of this lad considering that he's cheated on his own wife and is still talking to the woman he cheated with though.

Wombatman · 15-03-2022 07:07PM

I'd say when she deleted him she was quick to delete the chat history too. She didn't offer to show you their chat history as proof of good faith by any chance did she?

'a fat guy' hit the nail on the head above. This guy has history. Good chance he has a few women on the go. I doubt he is in it for platonic reasons and she probably is fully aware of this fact and yet kept up the contact. Red flag city.

Big Bag of Chips · 15-03-2022 10:10PM

Life would be great and perfect if all relationship issues could be solved in one sitting. The reality is when real people are involved with real feelings, real emotions and real history then it’s not so easy to wrap things up in a nice neat little package and everyone moves on putting the incident out of their mind never to be thought of again. It is completely understandable OP that this is playing on your mind. It doesn’t mean that you’re going to end your relationship but it doesn’t mean that you’re not bothered by it. And real life isn’t a soap opera where storylines are played out and resolved in a couple of episodes. Couples are always told to communicate. Not to bottle up feelings. If there’s an issue to discuss it. Although it seems now discussing things that might be a problem for someone is coercive control and abusive.

You didn’t know this woman prior to her marriage breakdown. All you know is her version. Which might well, from her perspective, be 100% true. Her husband will have another perspective. And her children will each have their own. Nobody who went through that relationship and break up will have the same story to tell. They will each have been in very different relationships. So I think it is ok to be off about this situation. It’s ok to not be over it in the space of a few days. Somebody asked what more can she do. If she’s serious about her relationship with you, she can listen to how you feel and acknowledge, if she thinks it appropriate, that it looks bad from your perspective for them to to be chatting over messenger and sending jokes to each other. Over time I think you will get over this if you see that she is making an effort to prove you can trust that this man is her past. If that’s too much hassle for her she can always leave you. You’re not holding her against her will.

15-03-2022 11:48PM

If she’s serious about her relationship with you, she can listen to how you feel and acknowledge, if she thinks it appropriate, that it looks bad from your perspective for them to to be chatting over messenger and sending jokes to each other.

But she has already done this!!

So the question now is, how many times does she have to sit and listen to and acknowledge the OPs feelings, while her partner questions her over and over?

Because I know if it were me, if he kept wanting to revisit the same conversation and rehashing the same problem again and again - that would totally piss me off. That's not "communicating". That's suspicion. It's tantamont to an accusation.

And if I were on the receiving end of that, it would be something that would make ME question whether I wanted to remain in a relationship with someone who clearly doubts my integrity and still doesn't trust me enough to take me at my word - despite a two year very happy history. So yeah, I'd be the one walking if that was the case.

OP, if you really feel you need to revisit this again, do it, but if you do, do it once, get it out of your system, then either put it to bed once and for all, or walk away.

Big Bag of Chips · 16-03-2022 12:36AM

This happened a week ago, and they haven’t really discussed it. OP says she thinks it’s all sorted. And that’s that. But it’s bothering him. He should be able to discuss it.

Yes if it’s something you find you can’t get over OP then that’s ok. If you think you need to say something to her about it, that’s ok. If you need her to reassure you, that’s ok. If she’s happy to do that, that’s ok. If it goes on for longer than you, or she, is happy with either of you have the option of walking away. But you also have the chance to communicate better with each other. To let each other know what your limits are in the relationship.

You asked a very simple question: Should you be annoyed. I think it is very understandable that you are annoyed. I also think with a little bit of time your annoyance will subside, as it usually does after an arguement. But hopefully your partner will understand where you’re coming from.

16-03-2022 12:53AM

We discussed it at length and she agreed from my perspective it did not look good at all. She deleted him and we said we wouldn't talk again about it.

In fairness, in the OPs own words, they spoke at lenght and he agreed that they wouldn't talk about it again. (He also never described it as an argument. ) So she has good reason to think it is sorted.

OP, you should keep that in mind when you bring it up again.

Tork · 16-03-2022 02:59AM

People don't always make good decisions when things are blowing up around them. I once heard somebody say that in the heat of battle, you don't stop to comb your hair. That saying has stayed with me because there is a lot of truth in it. Once you have time to reflect, you begin to see things differently. and the questions start to form. The impression I get is that the OP approached her with that screenshot and a conversation was had. It may have suited them both to close the door on this at the time. At a guess, she didn't want to be quizzed too much about her ongoing contact with this other guy. Furthermore, she knew that there was a very real risk that this revelation about the ongoing contact could bring her current relationship with the OP to an end. It might not be a physical affair but emotional affairs do their own form of damage. She tried being vague but that didn't cut it. Running out of options, deleting this guy's number was an easy way to take the heat off (this is why she deleted his number - not coercive control FFS 🙄). Our OP didn't want this relationship to end either because until now, things had been great. Inevitably, when it comes to something complicated like this, more questions arose. I don't think he is being unreasonable at all in wanting answers. Why should he be denied the opportunity to ask them if he didn't think of them at the time? None of us knows enough to make a definitive call on this, but I'm pretty confident that the truth lies somewhere between "This is the love of your life, don't blow it" and "Dump her"

16-03-2022 04:06AM

You're not the first person to say no one knows enough to make a definitive call on this, yet it seems 95% of posters are ready to conclude that she had to have been up to no good and must have been engaging in some kind of illicit affair (or planning one) and her deleting the number wasn't meant as a genuine gesture to reassure her partner.

If she had refused to delete his number, she would have been accused of not caring about her partner's feelings. But she did, and yet, that's still looked at cynically. Phrases like "she was caught red handed" or "she only did it to take the heat off".

I give up. I feel some sympathy for her in all this, because she is truly damned if she does, and damned if she doesn't.

The OP stated that he has difficulty with trusting people after his own bad marriage, and if he wasn't having doubts about his partner's faithfulness before this thread, I'm pretty sure he does now. And once that seed is planted... I give them a month.

notAMember · 16-03-2022 11:30AM

She forwarded a text from someone, big whoop. Loueze has it right, this is about control, insecurity, lack of trust.

OP, the implication is that you believe your partner is either unfaithful to you now, or may be in the future. That's most likely the reason you feel iffy about it. You feel on some level this woman is being disrespectful to you, because she is "yours" and not anyone else's.

Do you actually think she is being unfaithful, because she forwarded a funny text message? Or is it that underlying lack of trust and insecurity on your part?

witchgirl26 · 16-03-2022 12:52PM

I think Loueze has hit the nail on the head here OP. Is there anything that your partner can do at this point that would actually make things better? You've discussed it, she's deleted the number so what more can she do?

To (mis)quote all stock ads "past performance does not indicate future events". Just because she did something in a previous relationship (which from your posts was an attempt at an exit) doesn't mean it'll happen again if she's in a happy, secure relationship. Likewise with yourself. Hell if we all judged on our past relationships, I'd be stuffed! I'd never had one that last longer than 6 months before my current partner & we're together over 10 years!

I understand your previous relationship has made you weary but do you honestly, deep down, believe that your partner is up to anything? Because if you do, then that is a bit of a death knell for the relationship. I get why you'd have trust issues but you can't project what your ex did to you onto your current partner who has never shown any signs of causing distrust. Yes she didn't immediately tell you that she was in contact with her ex. I don't tell my partner everybody I text during the day. Or talk to. No matter who they are. It does not mean I am cheating or plan to or anything. Sometimes its just not worthy of the conversation.

Honestly it does sound like you need some counselling to deal with the after-effects of your marriage. And I'm not saying that in a bad way. It sounds like it was a horrible situation and you maybe need some help processing through that so that you don't bring it forward into others or project. Your ex is not indicative of any woman except herself.

thefallingman · 16-03-2022 02:21PM

funny how the girls stick together while the op is left a mug, for the second time.

Big Bag of Chips · 16-03-2022 03:50PM

@thefallingman, you don’t know which posters are male or female.

Please stick to offering advice to the OP in your replies. Thanks.

soundcrowd · 20-03-2022 05:45PM

Hello all, thank for the range of answers. I avoided coming back on here as it was stressing me out reading the responses.

Interesting to see both sides of it but upsetting to see accusations of controlling and coercive control. That's just not fair in my opinion.

I've decided to take a break from her and I'm starting counselling this week. Mostly to deal with past serious hurt that I'm obviously still carrying.

I'm disappointed as I thought I'd finally met a genuine person. But that's what I need to look at, is that disappointment justified or not.

I know some of you are trying to be helpful but it's upsetting to read some of the "controlling" comments. That's absolutely far from the truth - I'd never control her and never have. I just had an issue with this as I wouldn't be texting anyone I messed around with behind a previous partners back.

I just thought I'd be polite and answer.

20-03-2022 05:54PM

OP I am glad you are seeking counselling, but I hope you are prepared for the possibility that your now ex may decide she wants nothing to do with you afterwards.

Best of luck.

soundcrowd · 20-03-2022 05:55PM

To be honest I don't think I'll be having anything to do with her again. But thank you.

Should I be annoyed?

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