Miss ex terribly and want him back

Jequ0n · 21-01-2022 10:17PM

I can’t see anyone being malicious or manipulative here, but rather two people who keep clinging to one another despite better judgement.

Well done for deciding to talk to a therapist, OP. Sounds like one of you has to break the circle to finally be able to move on.

Jequ0n · 21-01-2022 10:23PM

@JoChervil

”Of course when people do it to each other, so then they both have this upload, so OK then. But this kind of love belongs to a previous era, Pisces Era. Ages ago women represented mainly feminine side and men masculine side fully, so such exchange was needed and welcome. Now is an Auquarian Era, when people are more individual human beings developing their both masculine and feminine sides, so no need for such a full exchange.”

Sorry, but what do you mean by this?

Rose27588 · 27-01-2022 12:40AM

OP here, having a really rough week, I had a panic attack in work yesterday and it’s so hard to try not to think about the break I’ll and how sad I am, I feel so hopeless, I don’t think I’ll be ok for a very long time :-(

Big Bag of Chips · 27-01-2022 12:54AM

Stop stopping yourself from thinking about it. You have to let the feelings come. You have to think about it. You have to work through the feelings and emotions. And bit by bit you won't think about it so much.

I know you haven't confirmed if you are the poster who has posted before, but I think you are. And if you are, the relationship was not working for you for a very long time. We're talking years. I think your first post about breaking up with him was about 3-4 years ago.

This relationship was awful. He was awful. He treated you awfully. You need to remember those bits rather than rewriting history.

If you got back together again, if he agreed to give it another go, but nothing changed, he was exactly the same person, treating you in exactly the same way as he always did, how long before you'd be given the silent treatment again? How long before he'd make you feel like sht again?

You are stuck in a fantasy that never existed. You are longing for the familiar. But as faith said earlier, being with him isn't going to make you happier. You were miserable with him. Why go back? You are young. You have nothing keeping you in his life. So grieve for what's gone, but accept that it's gone. Time will heal. Eventually.

Liberty_Bear · 27-01-2022 12:59AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118538342#Comment_118538342

Nothing at this point in time I am going to say will sound in any way appealing or indeed in any way sensible until later on in the grieving process. Its impossible to guess if there is a timeline when the grief over the loss of a relationship is going to fix itself, it might continue for a year or it might continue for a week, nothing is ever fixed. With near certainty (and thats the key phrase here 'near') , this is a temporary state for the moment of what you are going through. Having the means to basically function on the most basic of levels at a time like this takes a huge push from one self, give yourself kudos for that. The advice from Tell me How is phenomenally good in both being pragmatic and incredibly supportive. On the point about therapists. I know of someone who had major issues and went to various therapists however one day clicked with someone who knew the right words and right tone as this person specialised in the trauma they had experienced. Without sounding too cliched, therapists are like a pair of shoes..you need one that is the right fit.

I read that perhaps you may have posted about this chap before (and mea culpa and sincere apologies if I am wrong in that regards) but when we are in toxic relationships, sometimes these people make us feel like we need them to exist. That without their care and love we are nothing but empty vessels that needs their attention. Standing on your own two feet takes courage and time and like I said above, function on the most basic level if you must to etch out an existence till you strike that balance that suits you. Set yourself one goal outside of a relationship that you mauy wish to strive for giving you something to work towards. Never going to be easy but giving yourself a distraction of sorts helps give .

To lessen the stress figure out what is within your scope to change. Maybe you might want a new job, need a new place to live or improve your financial situation. These at least give you a degree of scope to know that you are both in control and improve anything in life that may need remedying. And they feed back into giving you some sort of goal to focus on perhaps.

Aside from that and speaking in general terms, now is the time to reach out to friends restoring the friends network. No one is ever a burden to others but understand that sometimes we may need time away to recharge like a battery in order to help you more. Good friends are there in the background but they (especially if empathetic) need that space to clear their heads to help you (that trope that floats about facebook of being like a battery on a phone that needs recharging is true). It could be worth understanding the five stages of grief to help give shape to what you are experiencing. (Youtube is useful for things like these).

Outside of that please look after yourself and be gentle on yourself x

Rose27588 · 27-01-2022 01:04AM

BBOC I am the poster yes, my head and heart are fighting with each other and it’s unbearable, I know I should be feeling like I made the right call but I feel nothing but overwhelming sadness and grief and loneliness, and not necessarily from being single, but feeling abandoned by my friends and family. I know everyone has been affected mentally the past couple of years so I don’t blame them.

I’m currently looking into selling the house and starting fresh in a home with no memories of him, that part has been incredibly hard too, I’ve also signed up for some charity events. I’m hoping goals and projects will keep my mind busy and give me a stronger sense of purpose.

I’m almost 34 and it feels a bit scary to start all over, I get pangs of jealousy when I’m constantly hearing about babies and pregnancies and weddings, it’s a reminder of everything I wanted, I can’t look at social media as it makes me so sad

Big Bag of Chips · 27-01-2022 08:28AM

Babies, pregnancies and weddings are not things you should ever have pursued with this man. Can you imagine your life if you had. Can you imagine the life a child would have living with a father like that. 34 is not old. And if you really want a family and a good relationship then the best thing you can do is let all thoughts of a happily ever after with this fella go.

Don't be too hard on your friends. This was not a good relationship for you. They would all have seen that. Maybe even before you began to realise it. They will have advised, reassured, comforted and felt all their efforts were ignored because you are still pining. It can be a difficult situation to be in. And often people withdraw because they feel they are only enabling the wallowing and not helping the situation at all. Also life is very tough for everyone these days. They are obviously not going through exactly what you are but they will certainly have their own stresses. Everyone does.

Have you one friend who you can reach out to. Explain that you were/are struggling and apologise for monopolising their time. Ask their assistance in helping you move on. Not help you wallow and listen to you being upset. That can happen in small amounts, but you need to make a conscious effort to not allow yourself to wallow. To see this as a chance to move forward, not to keep looking back.

You just need to remind yourself that you would not be happier if you got back together. You would just be a different kind of upset. And it might be compounded with the knowledge that you got out, had the chance to move past him, and you went backwards.

He really is doing you a favour. The one good thing he has actually done for you in all of this. You have the chance to be happier than you could ever have been with him. You just need to convince yourself that you deserve it. You've spent so long being downtrodden by him, being put down and made to few worthless. You know believe that that's who you are. It's not. And happiness will only come when you realise you are better than he ever believed you were.

If you don't believe that.. Fake it til you make it!

27-01-2022 10:21AM

great advice BigBagofChips!

Life is going past, for everyone. We all lost the last 2 years, more so if you were single. Everyone has their own stuff, if its not a relationship breakdown its trying to get a mortgage, trying to find a house to buy, a sick child, a dying relative, workplace issues or indeed juggling a few of these things at the same time! This is life, NOT some magical time ahead in the future when you think it will all be ok, if you find Mr Right, have a baby, get a house etc. Life is now. Those friends of the OP are probably dealing with lots of issues themselves now, lots of worries and troubles that she cannot see because she is so focused on this breakup (through which they would have supported her initially)

Every day wasted pining over an ex-lover is a day wasted with the right person. You won't meet a new and better man if you are still not over the previous one. I wasted years pining over lovers that cheated on me or caused serious emotional abuse.... I still can't believe it now. Life is so much better when you can find happiness yourself, doing things for yourself, especially finding new people. I have made so many new friends through outdoor activities , friends that made me feel so good about myself, lots of prospective partners too.

The one thing I never did for very long was wallow in it with friends. I always knew this was my stuff, I didn't keep mentioning the name of a partner who cheated on me as I knew I would get limited sympathy from them as time went on. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with .

There is a big huge world out there OP. Sell your house or rent it out, take a year out, travel, get perspective, meet new people. Do not waste your youth sitting at home crying. My daughter who just turned 30 broke up with her boyfriend last year, they were living together and she nursed him through cancer. However she could not deal with other issues from him past that kept coming up. She left London where they had been together, came home for 6 months, then gave up her job with Microsoft and took off Norway. She is now working in the Arctic circle with a great bunch of people from different parts of the world, in an outdoor setting and sees the Northern Lights every evening! Best decision ever. Live your life, get out of this rut of thinking of the past, look forward. Good luck.

HildaOgdenx · 27-01-2022 11:24AM

I remember your previous threads. OP.

You are mourning what might have been. A bit like when someone dies, e.g a parent with whom a son or daughter did not have a good relationship or were no longer in contact. Yet they feel sad. But it's mourning for the relationship they didn't have with the person. Not necessarily mourning the person.

This was not a good relationship, and it would be a dreadful mistake to rehash it. As said above, it's the one thing he has done right, ie not agreeing to getting back together.

You are doing the right things, pursuing new interests. Well done on that. In relation to meeting with friends, make sure that you are taking an interest in them, and what's going on in their lives.

I think you said you tried therapy. Please keep trying. It can take time to find the right therapist, but I think it would help to talk all of this out. I don't know if the threads here are helping. Obviously I hope that they are.

But talking things out with a professional, would really benefit you, imo. Take care.

Rose27588 · 27-01-2022 12:54PM

Thanks all some really helpful advice, I haven’t been monopolizing my friends time, it’s more that when they ask how I am and I say I’m not really doing too well I think they just don’t know what to say, so I feel then that I don’t want to be a burden, I’m very conscious that everyone is struggling and it’s been a really rough time for a lot of people

Tork · 27-01-2022 01:24PM

Internalising your feelings isn't helping you and may be one reason why you're not in a good place. It's all well and good to say you're taking up new hobbies but sometimes they're just ways to drown out the noise. Is there any particular reason why you think your family and friends abandoned you? Sometimes you can get too wrapped up in your side of the story and might not see things from their side. People often tread carefully when it comes to the relationships of their family and friends. It's so easy to put a foot wrong and 99 times out of 100, the friend will side with their partner anyway. It wouldn't surprise me if the people close to you saw your ex for exactly what he was and despaired as you went on to buy a house with him. Sometimes it's just a case of reaching out to some of your old friends and rekindling the connection. I'd say a lot of friendships drifted a bit over the last two years because of the pandemic but that's not to say people can't make up for lost time. If you don't feel you can talk to a friend or family member, please open up to a therapist. There is a lot to unpack here. I think you definitely need a good therapist you click with anyway- as has already been mentioned it can take a few tries to find the right one. Don't let that part slide because you've got two big issues going on here. One is that you allowed this guy burrow his way into your life even though there were warning signs everywhere. The other is that you can't move past your grief. It's OK to grieve for the life you thought you had in front of you and for the relationship you believed you were in. At this stage I think you need good professional help to move past this. I'd treat that as a priority, before making big decisions like selling the house.

YellowLead · 27-01-2022 02:12PM

You shouldn’t have to pretend to be happy to friends when your not, but saying something like do you know what I still feel **** right now, but I know it will take time and I know I’ll get through this and come out the other side - then talk about something positive.

so much good advice above I can’t really add to it except to re-read - particular the post from BBOC. It’s not this specific guy you are mourning as he made you unhappy, it’s the loneliness and longing you feel right now - serious well done on signing up for new things, a friend of mine found joining a hiking group helped her out of a break up. Meeting new people is always a plus.

Rose27588 · 27-01-2022 02:44PM

It’s because when I say I’m feeling low or not having a good day / week they will just ignore it and change the subject. They’ve stopped asking how I am altogether as I don’t think they want to know the answer, maybe they think it’s been almost a year already or maybe they just don’t feel equipped to know what to say as my depression has progressively got worse. For example in the summer I confided in a good friend that I was having suicidal thoughts and I was scared and she just stopped talking to me altogether. Counseling is a priority now and trying to find ways to give my life meaning and meet new people. I’m starting with a new therapist on Monday and I really hope I can start to make progress

Tork · 27-01-2022 06:28PM

Telling somebody you're feeling suicidal is a huge thing, both for you and the person who hears it. Not everybody is equipped to take a revelation like that on board and maybe it was too much for your friend. You're obviously very distressed and that can scare away people who either can't handle it, or don't want to. Sometimes people just let you down.

I'm glad to hear you're going to a new therapist on Monday and I wish you all the best with them. You still have a lot going for you, if only you can let go of what you're clinging onto. You've got a house, a good job, you're still young enough to meet somebody else. All hope is not lost but only if you stop hanging it on this man. If I'm thinking of the same person, you were never ever going to have a good life with your ex. There's being inconsiderate and then there's being a rotten bastard. Even if he is in therapy, that's not going to change his personality as much as you'd like it to. I worry that part of you is hanging on to the fantasy that he'll get fixed, return to you and you can all live happily ever after.

27-01-2022 07:22PM

just a quick heads up Rose27588, not sure if you've done counselling before? If you have then no need to worry.

If you haven't, just be prepared to feel worse before you feel better. It has a tendency to drag up a lot of stuff from your past which and you need to talk through the stuff that has brought you to counselling. Be prepared for a lot of tears. Good luck

Big Bag of Chips · 28-01-2022 07:27AM

Often the average person doesn't know what to say to someone who has expressed suicidal thoughts. I know mental health advice now is focusing on sharing and talking to someone. But, as you found with your friend, sometimes a person just doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know how to react. Doesn't know if what they say will help or make the person feel worse.

It's the main reason why in Personal Issues we lock threads when a poster expresses suicidal thoughts. We know the best thing for that person is to seek help from the professionals who are trained to say the right things to help the person through a tough time. A well meaning friend, or anonymous posters on here could say something thinking they are being helpful but be exactly the thing that the person doesn't need to hear.

Have you contacted the Samaritans? Or Pieta House? These are free support services with trained individuals who might be able to help you in a way your friends can't at the moment.

Have a read of this thread.

Goodigal · 28-01-2022 08:11AM

To add to the above, text HELLO to 50808 at any time to text chat with a trained crisis volunteer. They're there to listen and support anyone going through a crisis or contemplating suicide. No judgement at all.

Rose27588 · 28-01-2022 07:57PM

I get that expressing suicidal thoughts is heavy and non professionals are not equipped. Really I do. But we live in a society that encourages people to talk about mental health so to be essentially be de-friended by that person bloody hurts. I have been and am continuing to seek the right therapist.

Rose27588 · 29-01-2022 03:26AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118540032#Comment_118540032

The universal advice is to immerse myself in new hobbies, I’m doing that to give myself purpose and do something worthwhile, not to drown out ‘white noise’. I think this is a positive step.

-What would you suggest I do?

I do also ask my friends about their lives and show genuine interest.

I have been and continue to try to find a therapist that I connect with.

Moving house is something I need to do. We bought it together and it’s filled with many triggering memories.

Thank you for your input 😀

Rose27588 · 01-02-2022 04:24PM

So I’m meeting him next week for a coffee. At the very least I feel like I need some sort of closure. I feel like he never acknowledged the pain I went through during and after the relationship caused by his behaviors. I’ve been in some weird sort of purgatory for months and I feel like I need this.

Jequ0n · 01-02-2022 05:12PM

It’s up to you if you want to go ahead with this OP, but it’s possibly the worst thing you could do to yourself at this point in time.

Rose27588 · 01-02-2022 06:02PM

I know I’m terrified it will tear open my wounds even more to see him but I feel like I need to do it if that makes sense

Jequ0n · 01-02-2022 06:06PM

Did you clear the idea with your therapist? If not I suggest you should.

01-02-2022 06:53PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118566041#Comment_118566041

not a good idea

Tork · 01-02-2022 07:04PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118566562#Comment_118566562

This

Did you even go to this therapist you claimed you were going to yesterday? Now you pull this "I'm going for coffee" line out of a hat. I'm starting to wonder what the hell is going on here.

The DayDream · 01-02-2022 07:09PM

That's definitely a bad idea and tbh I find the reasoning behind it - 'for closure' quite flimsy. I don't even believe in closure anyway. Unless you can do a proper Eternal Sunshine job on yourself the memories will remain.

Don't expect people that caused you pain in a relationship to own up to it, they best you usually get is, "Well yeah, but what about when you did this...'

You're not going to be able to just file it in the 'done' drawer after a cappuccino and IMO it is not a step towards letting it go, quite the opposite.

Caranica · 01-02-2022 07:19PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118566545#Comment_118566545

Sorry OP but it makes absolutely no sense.

Every single poster on this thread and others has said to block him. Total and utter end of all contact. Why do you bother asking for advice on here and blatantly ignore it? People take the time to answer you, to give you advice. You're your own worst enemy OP.

I wish you luck but I won't be wasting my time trying to help you again.

01-02-2022 07:19PM

Is there any way you can give examples of how distructive he was in the realationship?...did he hit you...robbing from you..we really haven't heard his side of the story so hard to give good advice...

Thanks

Rose27588 · 01-02-2022 07:20PM

Yes Tork, I went to the therapist. I told her about planning to meet him. I have a lot of emotional pain and I’m carrying a huge burden, I have abandonment issues, I’m very fragile at the moment and I admit I don’t trust my own judgement. She suggested a couple of more sessions before I decide what to do and she wants to try to empower me to be confident in making decisions, also trying to unpack the mess that is in my head.

Tork · 01-02-2022 07:25PM

So why then are you rushing off to have coffee with him? It's like somebody going to an AA meeting, then popping into the off licence on the way home. It's a terrible idea and if your therapist thinks it's something to do this week, they should be struck off.

Miss ex terribly and want him back

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