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I have zero sex life with my partner

  • 24-11-2021 11:26pm
    Registered Users Posts: 2

    Hello, I was get some advice on my relationship with my partner. We are going out since may 2020 so 19 months and we use to have sex all the time at the start but since we moved in together we have barely ever had sex and it really scares and I mentioned it to her and she says she has zero sex drive and that she has a coil since September 2020. I have to initiate it all the time. Their are no signs she’s cheating or having an affair at all, which is strange cause why no sex with me ever. I need tip hints and advice cause I cannot lice like this. I keep on asking for it and she refuses me every’s knocking my confidence. What do I do?


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    I was in a similar position to that and I stayed waaay too long, to the point it badly affected my self esteem.

    I'd just leave the relationship.

  • Registered Users Posts: 16,545 ✭✭✭✭osarusan

    Is it a problem for her? I mean, does she want to want to have sex with you, or is her having zero sex drive not a problem for her?

    If she wants things to change, and wants to get back to when you had sex all the time, there's hope.

    But if she doesn't see it as a problem that needs to be fixed, and is just content with how things are now, you are in real trouble.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,678 ✭✭✭Multipass

    Well don’t leave without talking to her about it. Sit down and say everything you’ve written in your post. It could be as simple as the coil taking away her sex drive - if it’s progesterone (mirena) that would be a very common side-effect. Can cause depression too.

  • Registered Users Posts: 24,146 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy

    If she hasn't already gone to the doctor about her lack of libido: leave.

    It's a sign that neither sex, nor her relationship with you are important to her and you'll find yourself back in the same situation again and again.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,258 ✭✭✭Tork

    Hugo, I've seen your previous thread(s) about your partner. I'm not sure what exactly you are looking for this time around. You started a thread last June about the very same thing that you're asking about now. Did you take any of the advice that posters gave you then?

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  • Registered Users Posts: 16,006 ✭✭✭✭Loafing Oaf

    I don't think there's a lot you can do. If she doesn't see this as a major issue and something she needs to address pretty urgently I don't see much future for the relationship.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,400 ✭✭✭lukesmom

    I'd say it could be her birth control that has made her sex drive plummet. I'd advise you to speak to her, tell her how you feel and if she's willing to come off the mirena and have it removed. If not then I would advise to look for another relationship as sex is a very important and intimate part of a relationship, and 20 months in is very early when kids etc aren't involved.

  • Registered Users Posts: 436 ✭✭Girl Geraldine

    If it is like this now, then she obviously just isn't interested in that with you. I see this a lot. They do it to get a fella caught and when they are committed and moved in and heavily invested with everything, they turn off the tap.

    It is over. Finish it.

    You might be in denial and so on, but at the end of the day, I would put money on this going nowhere and ye breaking up.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v

    How is the rest of your relationship?

    Do you go on dates?

    Do you laugh as much?

    Go for walks together?

    Do nice little things for each other?

    I usually found the bedroom was reflective of the other parts of a relationship and vice versa.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2 Hugo100

    Thanks for your help guys. But I have an update is it a very bad sign if she is dry and needs lubricant all the time and just has a very low sex drive. She told me she was like this with her ex and she cheated on him once or twice. With him for 9 years. I confronted her so many times and she just says she was like this with her ex too and just has a very low sex drive. It’s definitely not a positive sign when she needs lubricant all the time and she has a coil too, but surely not the problem.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 11 trish65

    Well OP I think your girlfriend could be going through something,. If everything is working alright and she is still avoiding sex then I think you need to reconsider. For me personally there is no relationship without sex. Feeling desired is very important in a relationship., you won’t be able to do it once you hit 70

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith

    The dryness can certainly be a side effect of her contraception. It's not necessarily a sign that she doesn't find you attractive. However, she does seem to be clearly telling you who she is - a woman with a low sex drive. Whether or not you're listening to her is another question, and only you can decide whether you can live with who she's telling you she is.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,966 ✭✭✭spaceHopper

    I don't buy that she was like this with her ex so this is the way it its. Seems like she has done a bait and switch, great sex life until you move in then it stops. You need to make up your mind are you going to go forward with this the way it is or end it?

  • Registered Users Posts: 142 ✭✭hunter2000

    lube can’t be that expensive.

  • Registered Users Posts: 16,545 ✭✭✭✭osarusan

    She has (eventually?) told you the truth - she has a very low sex drive. This does not seem to be a problem for her, it is just how she naturally feels. It doesn't sound like she has any plans to explore ways to increase her sex drive.

    Now that you know, it's up to you to decide what to do.

    There's nothing wrong at all with wanting to have sex,and wanting the person you want to have sex to also want to have sex with you.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,709 ✭✭✭cloudatlas

    Hormonal birth control is incredibly effective at preventing pregnancy, but it can also contribute to some unwanted side effects, including decreased libido. Could she go to the doctor and discuss this? It sounds like a medical issue and not like some kind of trickery as some of the more paranoid posters on here seem to be suggesting.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,637 ✭✭✭notAMember

    It’s almost certainly the hormonal coil causing all of these effects. It’s been mentioned heaps of times in this thread already. Why don’t you have a conversation about alternative contraception options with her?

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,036 ✭✭✭coolbeans

    She's had the coil since 2020 only so it's probably not that at all as she says she's always had a low sex drive.

    I'd be outta there anyways. Where there's no lovin' there'll soon be no love.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,637 ✭✭✭notAMember

    She's probably been on some kind of hormonal birth control for most of her adult life... It's really common. If it's not worth a conversation about switching to condoms, that's your decision.