Marriage in trouble

francie81 · 29-09-2021 07:39PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117955729#Comment_117955729

Again thanks very much for that I guess that protection order was the kick up the ass I needed as unpleasant or unwarranted as it felt.

Jequ0n · 29-09-2021 08:47PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117955787#Comment_117955787

Why do you feel this was a kick up the arse and what have you done about it since?

francie81 · 29-09-2021 09:12PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117956177#Comment_117956177

Well because I kept going back with nothing changing whereas this time that won’t be happening and can’t happen at least until I begin to find myself with the therapy I need and that way I know it is a stepping stone needed in a last ditch chance in saving my marriage. Does that answer your question?

Jequ0n · 29-09-2021 09:46PM

Serious lack of punctuation in the evening again.

So you started therapy. Why don’t you run all of this by your therapist instead of a forum? If they advise you to stay put for now it’s probably a good idea. People here might disrupt everything.

Big Bag of Chips · 29-09-2021 10:07PM

JequOn, if you can't comment or offer advice without mentioning someone's grammar or punctuation then please don't.

As always there are kinder ways to deal with people who come looking for advice or opinion in this forum. I suggest all posters consider their reply and posting style before replying in Personal Issues.

SunnySundays · 29-09-2021 10:17PM

I remember your other thread. Both you and your wife have both behaved poorly at times and it looks like there is fault on both sides. Apportioning blame to either of you or determine who is the main problem is actually irrelevant.

The position is that you cannot function as a couple for numerous reasons and despite several attempts to convince yourself otherwise, this is 100% the case. Arguments, fights, restraining others, the guards etc. The situation is pure toxic and cannot be reconciled given so much has happened.

Your priority needs to be your kids. It must be miserable as hell for them to be exposed to this. Continue the way you are both going and you will cause your children a huge amount of problems and damage your relationship with them. They may even end up similar relationships themselves in future full of toxic behaviour if it's all they have known. Do you not want better for them?

Give up on your marriage. It's over.

Focus on your stability and behaviour.

Get good legal advice.

Get good counselling to deal with this.

Put your children's welfare and happiness to the forefront of everything you do from now on.

What you need is to focus on how is co-patenting successfully and ensuring that you have access to your kids and are a positive influence in their lives. This should be your primary focus from now on. Who knows you and your wife may reconcile in time, you might not but it's not possible at the moment given the toxicity in the relationship.

Kids first, everything else is secondary.

trish65 · 19-12-2021 02:43PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058210895/marriage-in-trouble

OP I feel bad for your situation. But to put it politely you have brought this upon yourself by acting childish and completely selfish because of a move what I can see is things escalated very quickly since your previous thread that you have mentioned.

as someone said you are glossing everything including your wife being racially abused by your family. So to put it in summary you married a girl who was 10 years younger than you brought her to rural part of Ireland during which time she got pregnant and followed your rules; She stayed there for 10 years and her family helped you financially. Yet you and your family who were supposed to welcome her and support her sent her angry messages (abusive) during her time there and racially abused her. If I’m not wrong on your son’s birthday you and your wife had a fight over your sister’s present and you ran out instead of talking to your wife calmly for the sake of marriage and your 5 year old’s birthday; to make matters worse your sister started abusing your wife on her sons birthday. I can feel there is a lot of racism the way your wife has been treated by your family; you didn’t only involve your family but used them to harass her when you should have safeguarded her. Please keep your family away from your wife and kids; I’d lose it if I was in my husband’s country and was constantly abused by his friends or family.

Your elbow injury seems suspectful to play the victim. It seems to me you are not here looking for an advice but sympathies..It’s time you man up and get professional help. Apologize to your wife and fix your marriage with marriage counselling. Put your kids first and stop discussing your marriage with friends and family as they seem to make matters worse. You and your wife need marriage counselling since there are kids involved I assume your 5 year old being the youngest

francie81 · 22-12-2021 09:15PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118346499#Comment_118346499

Oh please will ya cut out your anti men sentiment if you only knew and if I was looking for sympathies I wouldn’t be looking for advice in trying to save it as in my first thread with a girl not a woman who has taken out a protection order then tells me she never wanted to knowing I wasn’t the violent type (on the phone) but rather because of my family who she accuses of being racist btw you do know many people who play the race card use it for there own personal gain it’s called abuse of the word racism, the same girl takes to a forum accusing me of all sorts beyond belief wanting everybody there to feed her and more damning seeking advice on escaping with my kids, I have a phone full of emotional abuse using the kids as a weapon in the process, blocking me unblocking wanting me out wanting me back it’s relentless. You also touched on how I brought a girl here got her pregnant blah blah blah as though am living in old rural Ireland as some idiot referred to in response to my first thread I mean come on.

I will also put you straight about the relocation which I happened to be keeping the sunny side out in giving it a chance as per good advice in my OP however I got my ultimate answer well before time and at this stage where we settled is irrelevant when there is other issues and this just happened to trigger them.

Did you ever hear of controlling in a relationship from a mans point of view? I can give you an example where I come home an hour later than usual as a result of calling in to see my mom well actually it was seen as going to see my sister whom am not suppose to talk to which subsequently led to a full blown argument no man or woman deserve such treatment.

It’s absolutely imperative for both to be happy in a relationship and have a deep understanding of each other and maybe counselling could be the breakthrough needed.

Yes your right it’s all about the kids now since the relationship remains at a standstill.

trish65 · 23-12-2021 09:23PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118362899#Comment_118362899

By far I am not anti-men;; You seem to contradict yourself in your each new post on this forum; you mentioned that you were resenting your wife therefore making it a living hell for yourself and her; Nobody has been in your situation we only conclude from what you have said that she felt racially abused by your family members was there something said that you ignored? now you are giving this story another version making your wife the villain… OP why do you react so strongly towards your wife; I bet if you handled the situation calmly the end would have been better;; You mentioned your sister sending your wife angry message it’s probably a natural reaction for her to keep them away since your marriage is drawning and there are small children involved;; Would your family members break their home if you insulted their spouse?? she might blame them for marriage failure! I don’t see a controlling side to this it’s usually in-laws not getting on which is fixable keeping in mind boundaries aren’t crossed next time. Although I agree with you about her blocking you that’s not the answer;; you both need to have a mature conversation before it’s too late. Don’t accuse each other just ask what can be done to fix it;; It’s easier for her to block walking away is the easiest thing to do staying is harder but worth it.

At the end of the day she did leave her country for you, give the city another shot and convince her to move somewhere that would suit you both in few years time; nothing has changed even worse you are blaming the girl more than ever before;; If this goes to court it would be her word against yours. Did you both agree with couples therapy? You need to make up your mind instead of letting the marriage rot;; If she is being the immature one by not willing to communicate you should be the bigger person and have a deep conversation with her (keeping your family out of it and request her to not discuss them) this should be only about you both.

sporina · 31-12-2021 12:16AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117952837#Comment_117952837

gee your poor child.. I hope you are sorting yourself out.. but the kids should be No. 1 - behaviour like this can damage a child for life

and ye need to separate/divorce - no coming back from this I'd say, no matter where you live

31-12-2021 01:03PM

So now you're accusing your wife of "playing the race card for personal gain"?

Francie, what has become more and more obvious over all your threads is that your loyalty lies with your family of origin, not with your wife. You defend them over her, every time.

If you truly believe your wife is the type of evil manipulative woman you've been trying to paint a picture of in this thread, then why are you even trying to save this marriage? Shouldn't you want to get out of being married to someone so nasty?

For the sake of everyone's happiness, call and end to this now before you both mess up the kids any further.

spaceHopper · 04-01-2022 04:15PM

Getting angry about it is natural but its not helping you. My advice to you would be to work on yourself, get counseling to help make sense if what is happing to you. Lawyer up, you will need one.

Eventually she will want something from you, tell her due to the protection order you can't espicall after been arrested and before the courts - that needs to be finished by the courts, she started it but she can't stop it. Even if she did she would only do it again. Let that play our build your own case to show she was wrong and abusive. You will have contact with her for the kids and them alone.

Don't get sucked back in, don't go back to her and don't have more kids, get the snip.

If you ever find yourself cornered by her or her and family again. Don't go to a room, go for walk (keep a coat in your car), a drive, tea or coffer in a cafe, not the pub that will blow up on you.

Kingkong · 18-02-2022 12:15PM

Francie;

You need to get smart here. Keep going to way you are and you wont have anything in a few years. She has you by the b*lls.

My advice is simple.

Get her alone no family
Get her to agree to counselling
Get her to agree to have the kids visit you on your own
Don't ever stay in the apartment on your own
Get a notepad and write every interaction down and date it

francie81 · 18-02-2022 07:28PM

Well am delighted to say all is good I guess I presented my wife in a way I shouldn’t have the fact we spent the last several years happy together and just because of one relocation issue that brought it to what it was also exposing our affairs to my sisters and running to them (whom I always felt has a disliking/jealousy towards my wife from the outset) just made matters worse, being able to sit down and talk is the most effective way of solving anything.

anndub · 20-02-2022 06:31PM

I think listening was your problem Francie, you hadn't done a lot of it. I hope your wife is feeling heard and supported now too

spaceHopper · 23-02-2022 08:32PM

She had you arrested! From the sound of it she is only happy so long as you do what she or her mother wants and s soon as you cross them all hell breaks out. It also sounds like she is isolating you from your family. What happened to the house she was buying? Be careful that she isn't faking your signature. Id'd get something in writing witnessed by a solicitor that its her mortgage.

Marriage in trouble

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