He cancelled our date last minute

LLMMLL · 11-12-2021 11:20PM

OP you are suffering with anxiety, because you can't control this situation, and trying to soothe it by engaging others in your overanalysis, thinking if you just solicit enough opinions you will be able to understand what's going on.

It won't work.

Nothing anyone says on this thread will help you understand him or the situation.

The only advice that will be in any way beneficial is the advice on how to deal with the situation. People giving their opinion on what he's up to is just speculative fiction. You may as well just go read a novel.

osarusan · 11-12-2021 11:26PM

You seem torn between, on the one hand, acknowledging that you have a habit of over-analysing things, and it seems like, acknowledging that this is something that you need to work on.

Then, on the other hand, saying that this is how you are and that's not going to change, and if a guy doesn't conform to those expectations then that's an issue.

I would guess that a majority of posters on this thread have said that they think you are overanalysing things, and that poking at stuff until you find a problem isn't helping you. The early stages of a relationship should be relaxed and full of fun, not causing you these kinds of problems.

In my own opinion, it's mostly self-inflicted, and while it seems fine to say that you have your expectations or standards and won't change as that's just who you are, I think you should heed what a good number of posters are saying about firstly, the...for want of a better word...'normalness' of those expectations, and secondly, the rigid way you adhere to them.

Sebastian Dangerfield · 12-12-2021 12:42AM

OP, I was in a somewhat similar situation a few years back with a girl I met on a weekend in London, and dated for a while after when I was back and forth with work. It didnt bother me as much as it does you but some things stood out for sure - Id reply to her messages as soon as I saw them, whereas sometimes she might wait a day. She would occasionally cancel dates at short notice for pretty **** reasons, in some cases where I had already travelled to be there. Ultimately it went nowhere; never really got to the bottom of it, but either she wasnt as interested as I was, or we were so different it wouldnt have gone anywhere anyway.

I hope it works out for you, but based on what Ive read I think you would be better suited to someone who values the same behaviours that you do a little more (e.g. timely communication). People generally put their best foot forward at the start so if he is falling this short of your expectations now, I would expect the gap to grow even more over time.

Wombatman · 12-12-2021 12:54AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118307555#Comment_118307555

Yes, but no.

I think the locus of control is all wrong here. OP is focusing on the guys behavior. He's doing this, he is not doing that, etc. She can't control this stuff so it is pointless fretting about it.

If the OP shifts the focus back onto herself and she takes back control.

How much do I like this guy? What do I like about him? Do I want to go further with this? Am I prepared to put up with the the disappointments because I enjoy spending time with the guy? What are the chances this relationship will fulfill my needs want and desires?

Continue or dump? The ultimate power Either way you have to stop second guessing or you will suck all the fun of of things.

PmMeUrDogs · 12-12-2021 10:26AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118307330#Comment_118307330

Of course some of us would think twice. Spotty communication, odd cancellations, tinder pic update, of course they'd make some of us think.

But they'd make me think "D'ya know what? We're not compatible, I'm gonna cut this off."

If your gut is telling you he's not as into it as you are, what does asking for exclusivity change? You'll still have those same fears and worries the next time he cancels something or takes a while to reply.

12-12-2021 11:12AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118307330#Comment_118307330

I read this answer and the first page, so I am basing my answer on that. One of your defenders said that some people have disregard for other people’s time. I think that applies to you or anybody who expects an answer to texts within a certain time limit (including bosses at work), or that any arranged date is a “milestone” and the other party have to turn up - why was that obvious to him. That’s work, not play

i didn’t meet my wife 8 times in a month on our first month being exclusive and we knew each other pretty well beforehand. You met a stranger on an app and immediately believe his life must centre on you.

as for his profile on tinder, I’ve never used it but I assume dates aren’t exclusive until the daters agree in some form or other that they are.

12-12-2021 11:39AM

He might very well be reading these posts online and be getting more and more turned off.

OP, you are coming across a bit needy. You need to do the following;

Turn off your phone, and turn off boards
Go for a walk/run
Get a coffee
Have a good talking to yourself that you are worth more than obsessing over this one guy and it is likely things will turn out well in the long run if it is meant to be
Give him some space, but keep in some form of contact.
If he feels the same, it will work out.

On the topic of him still being on tinder and updating his profile, I assume he will also see you are on tinder and think "well if she is still on it she's prob talking to a few guys, why shouldn't I be?". It works both ways, in this crazy, modern dating world.

Best of luck and enjoy your Sunday.

Big Bag of Chips · 12-12-2021 12:23PM

You met a stranger on an app and immediately believe his life must centre on you

This is a very valid point that most people would do well to realise. You met him for the first time a month ago. Before that he had a life, friends, work, family, a social life, "stuff" that he does. In a month he's met with you 8 times, obviously prioritisng that time with you over all that other "stuff" that he has in his life, which didn't stop being a feature after your first date. You said yourself he has a very busy life. In a month of meeting very regularly he has had to rearrange twice. Just because your life isn't as full as his, just because you have time to sit and text him and wait for an immediate reply doesn't mean he has to conform to your expectations. If he is a social person with a full life, then he will always be that person. And if you want to continue seeing him you are going to have to accept that about him. For example, if he's part of a football team - he will always have a night every week where he goes to training. Regardless of whether you would like to go out for a meal that night for your anniversary, for example. If he has family commitments since before he knew you, he will continue to honour those family commitments while still maintaining a relationship with you.

You've known each other a month. It would be crazy if he altered his life dramatically to prioritise you. At this stage you should both be fitting into each other's existing life and seeing how things progress. You shouldn't be the focus of each other's life, and it seems like that's where you want this to be headed.

On the texting thing, as it seems to come up here very often. I am an "ok" texter. I might reply immediately (if I'm in a position to) or it could be hours, even the next day before I get back to someone. That is not rude. It's me having a full life and needing to balance everything/everyone. If someone got pissy at me because I didn't reply immediately, (yes sometimes I will open WhatsApp to check someone else's message but not read another unopened message, so I will have shown as online but your message will still be marked as unread) then I would see THAT as rude. Technology and instant communication has made people very selfish. People now have an expectation of instant results. Life doesn't always work like that. I remember an old boss of mine from years ago, pre instant messaging days! telling me how he didn't always answer his house phone (remember those!) when it rang. He said too many people feel that it is a summomning bell that they have to jump to. He said if he's etaing his dinner, or simply just enjoying something on telly then he won't answer the phone. If it's important (and realistically calls are rarely life or death urgency) then the person will call back. If it's not urgent they'll call back at some stage too. I remember thinking how weird it was - In our house when the phone rang someone ran immediately to answer it! It was kind of a light bulb moment for me!

It's something to consider, OP. You don't have to be instantly available. You don't have to always reply immediately. If it doesn't suit you at that moment, for whatever reason, it's ok to leave it until a time that is more convenient for you. Similarly people don't have to be immediately available to you either. Whether that's friends, family or a new fella on the scene. I'm assuming your messages are just chit-chat, not time critical for a reply. If you need an instant reply a phonecall is better. If you're just checking in, letting him know something you heard on the news etc then an instant reply isn't necessary.

But - after all that I think you are who you are, and that's perfectly fine. You will find loads of people have the same expectations as you. So in that case you'd probably do yourself a massive favour by waiting until you find someone whose expectations align with yours. Constantly second guessing, and stressing and seeking advice on this, that and the other will not do your own mental health any good. And I'm sure you are not telling him the extent of how you are really feeling too for fear of scaring him off. So that's another reason this relationship is unlikely to go the distance. I think you either need to fundmentally change the person you are, because you can't rely on him changing to suit you, or you admit this isn't working, through no fault of one particular person, and you call it a day.

There seems to be an awful lot left unsaid here, and an awful lot of assuming on both your parts. He can see you're still on Tinder. He doesn't know you're not active no it. He doesn't know you're not swiping. He just knows you're still logging in, and why would anyone continue to log in if they weren't going to use it? You had the "milestone date" worked up to a big deal in your head, but I'd say he didn't see it the same way. Unless you verbalise things you can't assume someone else knows what's going on or what we're thinking. I think this is always going to be an uphill struggle for you with this particular fella. He's not wrong. Neither are you. You're just not right for each other.

struck1 · 12-12-2021 01:00PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118308313#Comment_118308313

I understand where you're coming from. I do think he's into me whenever I'm around him and in a lot of what he says in his messages. It's this behaviour that I'm not used to that causes me to second guess things and probably needlessly so.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118308418#Comment_118308418

I don't believe his life must centre around me at all. But I think I do have some expectations when it comes to dating that he doesn't conform to. It doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing, but I just need to get used to it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118308643#Comment_118308643

I've read through your post and really appreciate the time you've taken to write it. All I will say is that if this guy isn't right for me then no guy is right for me. What I mean by that is this is the way I always am when dating. I pick out some peculiarity and keep digging and digging, trying to understand why he did something in a way I wouldn't have. What does this behaviour mean etc. I find it difficult to differentiate between a red flag and just a character trait that means nothing.

I will always second guess things unless I change my own thought process. A friend recommended mindfulness to me and I might give it a try. I never really believed in any of these relaxation and spiritual things, but she has said it has done wonders for her mind, understanding why she's feeling the way she feels at that moment in time.

I've also done some soul searching last night, trying to put things in context. What I've realised is:

I will never know why he cancelled our dates. He could have been legitimately sick or he could have been on another date. Why worry about something you have no control over.
He has always been a bad texter. Nothing has changed since we first started to message each other, even when he was at his keenest. This is just who he is.
He is still single and free to date whoever he wants. He may not be at the point where he's willing to commit to one person yet. People don't necessarily move at the same pace when dating. I have to accept that or else move on.
He must enjoy spending time with me because we've been on 1-2 dates every week since we met and always tells me how great a time he had afterwards.
He has a busy social life and of course his friends and family take priority over me. If he doesn't want to meet me some weekends it could just mean he has too much going on and needs some relaxation time without people (i.e. me) around. As long as he's still initiating dates and we're meeting 1-2 times a week, why should it bother me?

I've also decided to delete all my dating apps because I feel like I'm just using them to check in on him which is not healthy. I'm happy to be dating only one person and have no intention of looking to date another man right now so why keep it installed.

Even typing all of the above out has helped me gather my thoughts. I need to be rational in my thinking and try to see it from an outside perspective of someone who doesn't behave exactly like I do, and there are a lot of those people around!

JoChervil · 12-12-2021 01:49PM

If I were you, I would add one point:

I will "couple" with him only, if I am treated as a part of a couple. Meaning: Saturday nights are couples' time. If guy doesn't want to meet on Saturday nights with me at least 80% of them, it means, he is not prioritising me enough to be intimate with him.

Also I would agree with him, that getting fully intimate with him for you means, you are both exclusive. So if he is not ready for it yet, so you trust he would restrain from it and wait with it till he is ready. (You don't need to use your health as an excuse for exclusivity, you yourself are worth enough to be treated with respect, no other excuses needed).

Don't sell yourself cheap, if you are not his priority on Saturday nights. Just stay mid-week pals.

Without this point, you are setting yourself up to be a "back burner" for him, enjoying his "first fiddles" on Saturday nights. But it is me and my maybe high standards. But you can't command respect, if you don't respect yourself first.

And, if you come to a conclusion, that you are not compatible, you will leave the whole situation much less hurt.

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 02:05PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118308910#Comment_118308910

Sounds to me like he’s in a relationship and keeping you as a back up plan.

No man who is dating a woman he “really likes spending time with” is too busy on every Friday / Saturday night unless they already have a GF. Those nights are prime nights. He’s spending them with someone and it’s not you. He’s full of sh*t.

Big Bag of Chips · 12-12-2021 02:23PM

I don't overthink things when they conform to my expectations.

Have you ever dated someone like this? Because you then say this..

All I will say is that if this guy isn't right for me then no guy is right for me. What I mean by that is this is the way I always am when dating. I pick out some peculiarity and keep digging and digging, trying to understand why he did something in a way I wouldn't have

A relationship should make you feel good. It should be something you enjoy. Maybe you are not ready to date. Yet. It doesn't mean you will never be ready. But I think you need take time to find out who you are, and what you are looking for. That way, you will not waste time on people who aren't what you are looking for. You will in general be less anxious.

12-12-2021 02:24PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118308910#Comment_118308910

If that 80% includes doing stuff together with other people, like your friends or his friends etc., then kind of manageable for the right guy and right friends, but if it's dates together, that's an awful lot. That's 42 Saturdays with you and 10 with everyone else in his life.

What about if you live together? Is Saturday night still as important or would ye be ok with each having separate social lives like every second weekend say?

JoChervil · 12-12-2021 02:36PM

If you spend Saturday nights together alone or with other people, you will still have your Saturday exclusive night together.

JoChervil · 12-12-2021 02:49PM

And you can have girls/guys night on Fridays, family time on Sundays, so there is really plenty of time to accommodate everyone.

That's why guy doesn't have to reorganise his life especially for you, if he already has Saturday nights reserved for the closest person (with or without friends).

SunnySundays · 12-12-2021 02:54PM

You seem far too over invested in a guy you are seeking for a month, regardless of the situation.

You didn't even know him 4 weeks ago. You need to relax and chill out. It's far too early to even know if this has long term potential.

You've been on 8 dates in a month and no sex, on that basis I would be thinking he is interested. Most would be gone by now, give him the benefit of the doubt or don't if it's driving you insane with the over analysis.

Either way this isn't healthy so relax and take it handy or stop seeing him if you aren't happy.

Jequ0n · 12-12-2021 04:06PM

@JoChervil

I think it’s great that the OP has taken the time to reflect, and decided on some steps to avoid causes that could lead to over analysis.

Just because Saturday nights are important to you does not mean they have the same value for others.

Suggesting priority treatment aka Saturday night dates with no consideration for his life and situation is somehow sabotaging the OP. It’s like adding a new layer of control which the OP just decided to forfeit for her own peace of mind.

JoChervil · 12-12-2021 04:35PM

Yeah, keep confusing people...

Staying mid-week Pal could help her to figure out, what relationship is possible and if it is for her.

Username here · 12-12-2021 04:44PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118297019#Comment_118297019

I wouldn't consider saying I was on a date a while ago instead of a day ago to be the end of the world!

Really? Not even at a time when it can be reasonably expected that people would at least be open to fostering trust between each other? You'd rather build a relationship on lies, than simply say "I had a date with someone else last night"? Would you still consider it harmless or trivial, if your date from the previous night happened to be in the same pub (or wherever) as you, and came over and made it obvious that you and he had been on a date the previous night? Ireland - assuming that's where you are - is a very small country, you know.

You have a strange attitude to honesty, in my opinion. I think, rather than me being too focused on this point, this is specifically the type of focus you need, and seem to be hiding from.

Username here · 12-12-2021 05:42PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304899#Comment_118304899

This is just how I always am. There always seems to be something that I pick up on. I don't go on very many dates at all and there are a tiny amount of men that I've dated that have gone beyond 3 dates. Maybe other women are more able to not let these things get to them, but from chatting to my friends they thought it was some strange behaviour with the cancelling dates, poor texting and now this with updating Tinder!

Maybe your friends just find it easier to agree with you as, in your own words, there's always something that you pick up on. "I hear "Mary" is seeing someone.... I wonder what she'll find wrong with this one?" It can become tiresome, being part of a support network for someone who always finds something to pick at in their relationships, particularly if you disregard / ignore advice they give you the way you have in this thread.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118307330#Comment_118307330

And if you're saying I'm not ready to date then that means I'll never date anyone because this is who I am and how I've always dated.

But look where that has gotten you - tied up in knots on the internet, trying to understand the motivations of a (practical) stranger.

I don't overthink things when they conform to my expectations.

Has that happened often / ever? (No need to answer that publicly, just let it sit with you). If it hasn't, you need to ask yourself "why?". If it has, then move on from this guy, and look for someone whose actions meet your expectations.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118308753#Comment_118308753

There are some chinks of light in this post :)

I will always second guess things unless I change my own thought process. A friend recommended mindfulness to me and I might give it a try. I never really believed in any of these relaxation and spiritual things, but she has said it has done wonders for her mind, understanding why she's feeling the way she feels at that moment in time.

Mindfulness doesn't mean spirituality, or anything else that you need to "believe" in; look at it simply as a way of getting to know yourself, and your thought processes, better. Know yourself. Understand yourself; that can be easier said than done, I know.

There has been lots of good advice - along with a sprinkling of bad - on this thread, which I think can more or less be condensed into:

Understand yourself
Know your needs
Be able to say "this isn't working out for me", if your needs aren't being met, and move along
Don't become overly invested in strangers

I think that if you incorporate the above into your life, you'll find yourself in a much more content place - with or without Mr WasHeReallySick. Good luck OP.

Big Bag of Chips · 12-12-2021 06:17PM

I know guys here will jump again because men advising women here very often want women in certain convenient for them places in real life, which might not be the best place for you

@JoChervil

Generalisations such as the one you posted above are not welcome in the Relationship Issues forum. Please make sure you are familiar with The Forum Charter before you continue to post in the forum.

Thanks,

Please do not respond to a moderator instruction on thread.

struck1 · 12-12-2021 08:05PM

Just to update you all, he called things off because he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. I guess my overthinking mind was right this time! Oh well. Back to the drawing board again.

loveall · 12-12-2021 08:13PM

Sorry to hear that struck1. It'll happen, take it easy.

YellowLead · 12-12-2021 08:15PM

Key lesson here is don’t get invested too soon and don’t put your eggs in one basket. Most things fizzle out after a few weeks and it’s hard to find something that lasts where both are on the same page. But happen it does so keep at it. Don’t get your hopes up next time and then you won’t get into the questioning/freaking out phase if or before it fizzles.

struck1 · 12-12-2021 08:46PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311428#Comment_118311428

I don't think I would have gotten as invested if it wasn't for him been so keen in person and the messages he sent.

I'm surprisingly okay though. I think I was more worked up over the uncertainty as opposed to having overly strong feelings for him.

YellowLead · 12-12-2021 08:51PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311609#Comment_118311609

But that is one thing to learn - until exclusivity is agreed and a few months have passed it doesn’t matter what somebody says in terms of how into you they are.

Agree it was the wondering and uncertainty that was stressful for you here, you probably feel lighter that’s it’s gone! Good to know you’re not upset. Hopefully you’ll find things easier with time - take it all very casually and be less needing and that will happen.

loveall · 12-12-2021 08:54PM

I think you've dodged a bullet and pat yourself on the back that you knew the story really! You can go forward with some faith in yourself..... and don't settle for anything less than you deserve. All the best.

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 08:55PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311609#Comment_118311609

Sounds like lovebombing OP. Very common tactic.

Accelerated the natural progression of a blossoming relationship in order to make you feel secure and to have sex with you. Except he decided last minute he wasn’t going to follow through when he got you where he wanted on a weekday.

Why? Because he probably has a GF.

Sounds like a lucky escape to me!

struck1 · 12-12-2021 09:07PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311665#Comment_118311665

I did feel like it was a strange coincidence that this happened a couple of days after we were intimate. Maybe what he experienced wasn't as good as he thought it would be.

He certainly doesn't have a girlfriend as he's on Tinder and only broke up with his ex about three months ago.

redlipgloss · 12-12-2021 09:11PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311744#Comment_118311744

Does she know they’re broken up?

Im not being mean. I actually experienced this on the apps when I was single and so have my friends/coworkers.

Even if he is telling the truth, 3 months broken up is nothing. He was in rebound mode. How could you think this would turn into anything?

And as for your comment above “maybe it wasn’t as good as he thought” - Don’t you dare think that! You are not a service to be rated. You are a lovely, fab human being that deserves a lot more than what this cowardice limp dick was serving up. Sometimes the obvious conclusion is the conclusion or reason ? He sounds like he was playing you. Learn from this experience.

Just be careful is all I’m saying OP.

You had a lucky escape x

He cancelled our date last minute

Comments

Please do not respond to a moderator instruction on thread.