Mo money mo problems

No easy answer as you know your husband better than us, but I think the above from Princess Calla is good advice . Sit down, remind him of the old situation and how he reacted to your previous cash-strapped situation. Then come up with a plan - even if it is that you pay a little more until the commission starts to come in again and you will back-date it if everything must be kept 50/50.

But best of luck with it OP.

This must be the third of fourth thread I've read in as many days, and I'm starting to think its me that wrong.

When you get married - you are now a team / unit. This idea of silo-ing off money into personal accounts that your partner doesn't know about is a really odd concept to me. I know how much my wife makes, and shes the same with me, we've a couple of accounts together - one current for daily spending, one for savings / holidays and one for the big things like utilities and mortgage.

but it all goes into the one pool, and is divvied up.

people need to start asking themselves - why are you (as a couple) effectively hiding finances from your spouse? - and I emphasize spouse, because I think unless you're legally married, theres certainly an element of prudence in having independent finances.

its a communication issue more than anything else - all these financial squabbles would be a lot easier averted if people simply talked it out.

How have you not noticed? Most people would keep an eye on their accounts. I log in every couple of days. 10 k is a lot to disappear into thin air.

You both need to sit down, catalogue all the outgoings and do up a budget.

Where do the costs of rearing your kids come from and how much salary should each person put in to that fund?

I find your approach really bizarre, not having a go, it’s just alien to me. My wife and I have had a joint account since before we were married and 100% of our salary goes into it and everything is paid from that. If either of us need to spend for clothes, etc we just do. Larger purchases that run into the hundreds are generally discussed beforehand but most spending is at our own discretion. I suppose it’s a matter of trust.

We also agree the amount that leaves that account every month for a savings account for which we have no cards (we review the amount every few months).

I'm a little baffled, you say the account should have €10 - €15k in it but its empty when you logged in to check, unless I miss understand. I'd actually be alarmed not worried, this is more than frivolous, it's shocking.

OP - your husband sounds like an asshole.

when he wouldn’t contribute more than 50% to make up for your less income it was alarm bells for me. You’re supposed to be a team.

But then spending all the money without telling you, this sounds like you’re dealing with a spoilt teenager and I’m not sure how much you can change someone who acts so selfishly.

I have earned more than my partner since the beginning of our relationship.

we saved for our mortgage and bought a house with me contributing a bit more, it was also my idea to save and buy a house but I actually don’t care. Our money is our money, her being broke is me being broke.

I supported everything when she was jobless and paid the mortgage by myself while putting a small bit into Credit union only lasted for like 4 months if even. It wasn’t easy either but this is what you do for each other.

she would do anything for me in the same sense. We decided to make everything easier we just kept 1 bank account. All our money now goes into that now. I have a bit more of a say with our money but it’s not because I’m earning more its because I track our spending and outgoings and tbh I actually enjoy managing our budget in a weird way.

But to be honest neither of us buy a whole lot for ourselves we buy stuff for the house and we probably feel we shouldn’t be spending money on ourselves because we were so strict when saving for a house it’s now ingrained into us.

Both our wages are basically seen as 1 big salary. We can both withdraw to Revolut if we want not that we ever do.

We have an extreme level of trust and I suppose what is sad is that this is hard to find nowadays and we don’t even have kids yet but we are engaged and kids are planned for future. Maybe we’re the crazy ones. People are so selfish now. But I can see why with people like your husband going around.

I hope that doesnt sound like I’m gloating as I’m not. I am just pretty shocked that people can be so selfish in a relationship with the person they love. What’s the point of life if you’re going to live that way.

Get out of there, that split everything 50/50 rule is boll0x imo. What happens when your balance is at 0 and his at 20k

are you turfed to the streets? Come off it

I wouldn't be so sure, as a gambler you could win all that in a few days, buy a dozen pairs of runners, get your betting account up to 50k and lose everything a few days later.

If he was particularly cute he would know to keep such spending in line with what you expect to see gone out of the account...

He’s after blowing over €10,000 and stopped contributing to the family if I’m reading it right.

some people are terrible with money, but this is unacceptable. I think you should get an explanation as to where the money is gone and he needs to give an undertaking this won’t happen again.

He’s buying play stations and runners while not paying his share of the bills, it does sound terribly immature.

Your husband sounds like a chancer, a moocher and a miser.

But then again, you married him.

I equally find your set up strange. Again, maybe a generational thing. I have always 'earned' less than my husband outside the home. But I am a better cook and do all that side of things. Since we had the kids, I went part time and now earn even less. However, he is self-employed and I do all his paperwork and a lot of admin work on my days at home and so we consider this to even things out. We have one business account - joint, one 'mortgage' account - joint (although only he pays into it and then we each have personal accounts but each pay for different bills out of them. It works out roughly even and we don't sweat the little differences. Neither of us are big personal spenders and the big spends get discussed. A relationship, or a marriage, are partnerships, and a partnership should include the finances. If each party is keeping track of every small penny then it is exhausting. I don't know how you can overcome this breach of trust, but I would suggest you change the system too at the same time as you address the trust. Best of luck either way.

I'm not sure whether all this discussion of how weird people find other people's financial arrangements is remotely helpful or even relevant to the OP.

OP, the fact of the matter is that your husband has committed a HUGE act of betrayal on you and the entire family. If I were in your shoes I'd be questioning whether I could ever get past that, tbh. The fact that he doesn't seem even remotely contrite is extremely concerning too, as it wouldn't give me even an iota of confidence that he won't do it again.

You need to have a SERIOUS sit down with him and find out what is actually going on in his head that he thinks this is no big deal.