First date disaster

RojaStar · 21-10-2021 10:20PM

I can see how that would easily happen, chalk it down to experience! As a seasoned dater myself, I can spot these gobsh1tes a mile away just by their photos or bios.

Agree with the previous suggestion to limit first dates to a coffee or a drink. You'll generally have made your mind up about them in the first few minutes. In my case I've been guilty of dragging it out to see if they grow on me, despite deep down knowing that my first impression won't change! As I get older I find kissing on the first date super cringey as well, but that's just me. I would have literally jumped out the window if someone said "can I kiss you" 😂, never mind can I give you a physical once over.

Honestly it sounds like you might want to give dating a miss and just enjoy doing your own thing for a while.

Tork · 21-10-2021 11:21PM

When I read these sorts of threads, I try to view it from the other person's point of view. I'm not absolving this guy of any blame here but I can understand why he thought he was going to get more than a kiss here. The tone of your messaging turned sexual quite quickly and yet, you still agreed to meet him. Then you made that remark about not having sex and you were alone with him in his car... There isn't just one sort modern dating out there. There are plenty of people who just want to get their rocks off and that's fine, just as long as both people are on the same page. But if you're after a relationship, the ones who rev things up like this guy are best avoided.

From a practical point of view, trying to date while your ex is still living with you is a recipe for disaster anyway. I hope you can get that sorted out soon and that you split from him properly. I'm sure your current living arrangements are stressful enough as they are, without adding that extra complication of dating somebody.

Carlowgirl · 21-10-2021 11:24PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055319#Comment_118055319

Yes I was afraid the guards would pull up or something . We had gone for a drive to look for somewhere to go for food or tea or coffee but i didn’t really want to go in . I had really wanted to go for a walk . I guess in my head I woukd be less nervous walking . I like walking and chatting

Carlowgirl · 21-10-2021 11:30PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055643#Comment_118055643

I shut down the sex talk abs didn’t entertain it . He asked me could he send me pics etc and I said no . I wouldn’t send him pictures . I told him I didn’t want to have sex with him in case he thought it was a hook up . His messages went from being funny and caring to ott dic pic talks . Yes I had no intention of dating . It was a chance encounter where I was in a bit of a crisis and I just liked him so i text him to casually say thanks to see if he was interested.

RojaStar · 21-10-2021 11:34PM

You'll have a better game plan for next time OP. Nothing wrong with a walk as a first date once it's in a neutral setting obviously.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of texting someone regularly before you really get to know them, and then the reality doesn't add up to the person you'd built up in your head. It works both ways obviously. When you cut contact it leaves a hole where that good morning / good night / how was your day text was. But it wears off after a few days. Definitely not a reason to keep chatting to someone who's not right for you.

Carlowgirl · 21-10-2021 11:36PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055687#Comment_118055687

Yes your right . I had spent a small amount of time with him in a business capacity and I had a completely different version of him in my head . ☹️

Tork · 21-10-2021 11:39PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055677#Comment_118055677

You've completely missed the point though. A guy who you barely knew was already sending sex-related texts and looking for photos. It doesn't matter whether you encouraged it or not - he had already made his motivations clear as day. It's a sign that would send most women running for the hills, unless they were up for a knee trembler.

Tork · 21-10-2021 11:43PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055692#Comment_118055692

That's why it's always advisable to meet for a coffee first, rather than put yourself into a vulnerable position. The same rule applies whether you've met somebody on a dating app or got chatting to them in the pub. You'd be surprised how people can turn out not to be who you thought they were. Me and my friends have plenty of war stories. I get the impression that you were very much sheltered from that world because you were in that relationship for so long?

Carlowgirl · 21-10-2021 11:47PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055717#Comment_118055717

Oh yes big time . My ex who I am living with is such a gentleman I’m wondering did I not appreciate what I had and maybe we can sort it out . I have friends in pof etc but I wasn’t looking and met him through a chance encounter or through his line of work and my head was turned and I felt giddy and excited 🙈

Carlowgirl · 21-10-2021 11:52PM

I was like a bit of a school girl actually but isn’t that a nice feeling 🙈

BorneTobyWilde · 21-10-2021 11:56PM

No guy does all those things straight off the bat..............unless it's repetitive behavior from him, which is exactly what it sounds like, wasn't his first rodeo, sounds like a guy who knows how to play the field, you're not special in any way him, you're just another to try it on with. Right now he's parked somewhere else with another girl, that's the reality .

Carlowgirl · 22-10-2021 12:01AM

Ha I actually think it was a bit of immaturity as someone said but that doesn’t excuse it . He’s around three to four years younger me . It was strange. Before my long term relationship dating was shifting in college or hometown pubs or night clubs . I’m very green and naive to today’s world 🙈

Carlowgirl · 22-10-2021 12:03AM

I really appreciate all the comments it’s helping me to make sense of it (obviously I have no dating sense😂 )

Tork · 22-10-2021 12:43AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055743#Comment_118055743

Of course! 😃 It's a pity this guy didn't turn out to be the person you thought he was but that's the risk you take any time you go on a date with somebody new.

TheadoreT · 22-10-2021 09:52AM

I'd imagine when 99% of women receive unsolicited dick pics they block right away. This may be the first time I've ever heard a guy getting a date from it. Not victim blaming or anything OP but maybe try heed a few obvious signs in future when you're clearly uncomfortable with that sort of behaviour.

Carlowgirl · 22-10-2021 09:55AM

He didn’t send a dic pic he asked me could he send one and I said no

Carlowgirl · 22-10-2021 09:55AM

Yes I’ve a lot to learn 😂I can only laugh at it now

LLMMLL · 22-10-2021 12:39PM

Don't listen to any of this bull that he's a fundamentally good guy who read the signals wrong.

You don't have to tell someone to f off by text or slap them in the face in person to send a clear signal. It's completely obvious when someone is sexually uncomfortable and not into what is happening. The issue is that a fair percentage of guys ignore these obvious signals because they can get away with it.

So he's not a fundamentally nice guy. He's a creep. Of course he could be perfectly delightful outside of sexual encounters but still a creep sexually.

And the "checking something" in your pants line? Gobsmacking.

You did nothing wrong OP. There's no real good advice either except maybe about recognising the creeps earlier.

Carlowgirl · 22-10-2021 01:05PM

Yes there was a bit of flirting in the messages but I wasn’t talking about sex or anything. Just general banter . I think he is a nice guy outside of encounters and it might be more of an immature issue than a pervert issue but I’ll leave him off

Carlowgirl · 22-10-2021 01:07PM

Is still love to know what he wanted to check in my pants . It was worse than been at a gynaecologists😂

Tork · 22-10-2021 02:00PM

Your willingness to see the best in people is refreshing in these cynical times. But, it has the potential to get you into a lot of trouble if you decide to try dating more. You are cutting this guy too much slack here. It's amusing to see you referring to this guy as immature. He's a divorced man heading towards his mid thirties, not a lad of 23 who's just out of college. Maybe the joking here is your way of dealing with what happened - you know how badly this could have ended if he hadn't stopped. The execution of what he wanted (i.e. a hook-up) leaves a lot to be desired but make no mistake about it, he met you intending to get laid.

sham58107 · 22-10-2021 02:45PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118057386#Comment_118057386

Maybe he was doing the old " Mick Dundee" thing , OP you will probably have to google it, showing my age .

But seriously ,he is not 14-15 as others have said, and I have not dated in years #...... but Christ I think you had a lucky escape , 1st date or not he was after one thing and then he was gone ! I know if that happened to any woman I know, he would be looking for something down his own pants for a while after.

How can a guy think this is normal behaviour , Jesus OP forget about him move on and as others have said coffee and then maybe walk afterwards most coffee outdoors now and if raining go inside not HIS CAR and then maybe if you think he is ok, go for nice walk .

This guy is certainty not a gentleman ,Christ what you describe could be classed as sexual assault, think if I suggested to my wife to put my hand down her pants I would be looking for a new hand .

Deja Boo · 22-10-2021 05:38PM

I am sorry, but this entire scene sounds a bit too bizarre and suspicious, especially when op goes on to ask men in the forum to pm.

Common sense would indicate after such unwelcome, vulgar (op's word) male encounters, men would be the last people any vulnerable woman would encourage or invite into a private conversation.

Carlowgirl · 22-10-2021 07:24PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118058926#Comment_118058926

It is all true and there are things I didn’t want t say on the discussion for anonymity reasons . In relation the pm I forgot about the rules snd I wanted a mans perspective on thing that were said . It’s ok im happy to put it down to a bad experience with a childish immature person and hopefully learn from it

Big Bag of Chips · 22-10-2021 09:50PM

With that last post, OP, we'll lock the thread as there's nothing else to be offered.

Please do not engage in a PM exchange with anyone who contacts you from this thread.

First date disaster

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