First date disaster

Carlowgirl

Hi to make a long story short I’m newly single . Late thirties no kids . Still living with my ex due to housing issues . I haven’t been looking for anyone . I bumped into someone by complete accident in a business way as in I was a customer but it was a stressful situation and they got me out of a big hole . I paid them so it wasn’t a freebie but I appreciated their help . I was very attracted to him and bit the bullet and text him to say thanks for his help etc I guess to see what the response once . We started chatting and soon I couldn’t take the smile of my face after been unhappy for some time . I told him about my situation and he understood as he is just out of a similar situation . He is four years younger than me . We divided to meet for a chat and I told him I woukd not be having sex with him it was just for a chat but i guess I was half expecting there may be a kiss .

we met anyway and we were supposed to go for a walk but it started lashing so I sat into his car . We got on really well chatting and I enjoyed chatting to him and I told him I was nervous . He asked me could he kiss me and here s where’s it all went wrong . He completely mauled me I was not expecting it . He had hands everywhere . He asked me could he put his hands down my pants and I said no abs he said he just wanted to check something . He was rubbing me from the outside . He tried to grope my chest and I just wasn’t comfortable and I said no and it was like trying to keep a puppy down to me . I felt so awkward as I didn’t want it . He asked me woukd I ... I won’t even write it here but I guess you can imagine and I said no . Eventually I said sure better go and he dropped me to my car and we stayed chatting for a minute . I said to him today i not ready for that and that I had said that snd he said sorry . I said I guess I better focus on my living situation and sorting that out and I’d talk to him soon .

I was in a relationship for ten years and dating is new to me . I had expected a walk and maybe a bit of a romantic kiss but it was anything but . The kinda miss talking to him now because I did like him but I don’t want to go through that in . It wasn’t like abuse or anything it was just too much too fast . I’m kinda sorry because I really liked him and he was so attentive and made me smile . Now I’m wondering should I give it another try or is it just doomed . I didn’t enjoy kissing him to be honest it was too much . But I am sad because I liked him

XsApollo

Jesus Christ , no don’t go on another date with him.

Carlowgirl

Ha ok I really liked him though he was nice . He did apologise profusely and said he hadn’t intended on getting carried away . Thanks

ted1

The chap is an idiot. Don’t be put off dating again.

Seth Brundle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118054710#Comment_118054710

If that's how he behaves on a first date after you had already set boundaries, I'd never want to hear from him again

MacronvFrugals

Run a mile!

Doesn't sound anything like a first date!

Sounds like he was looking for a hook up, and you are not.

I wouldn't see him again.

Carlowgirl

Thanks for the help and comments . I’m so long out of the game and i hasn’t looked at anyone abs it was a complete coincidence through a disaster happening that I needed his business . Part of me thought I could say I’ll meet you again but you will have to slow it down snd calm down but I don’t know woukd it work . Also the kissing was so heavy I thought I was back at a teenage disco in Irish college . Is just how dates are now ? So long out of the game

Dial Hard

I get that you were off the market for a long time, OP, but seriously, that wasn't a date.

It sounds like you're *very* newly single so maybe just get used to that for a while but the next time you do date, go on an actual date - coffee, drinks, whatever, in an actual venue. A walk is a terrible first date, imo (others may disagree).

And seriously, if you feel the need to specify to someone before the first date that you've no intention of sleeping with them, I'd be questioning whether it's a date worth going on in the first place.

Carlowgirl

sorry for spelling issue s . I am typing on a phone .He had asked me to go for food and I said no because i wanted to go for a walk so that was my choice . In hindsight we should have gone in somewhere . I’d feel awkward eating in front of someone on a date to be honest . His text s we’re getting very lively and he was looking for pictures that I didn’t send so that’s why I said I wasn’t meeting him for that . Damn it I liked him

Carlowgirl

I guess if we had gone for something to eat we probably woukd have sat into the car anyway as it was lashing . It had been such a nice crisp day and as soon as I arrived it poured out of the car . It crosses my mind at one one stage that someone would ring the guards 😂

Dial Hard

There's a huge amount of middle ground between going straight for dinner as a first date (also a bad idea, imo) and going for a walk. Like I said, meeting in an actual venue for a drink or a coffee is your best bet. You're not committing to hours in their company but if you like them and it's going well, you can stay as long as you like.

Also, if someone is asking for sexy pics and laying it on thick with the "lively" talk before you've even gone out, that's a massive red "fcukboy" flag, tbh. Unless a hook up is all you're after, obvs, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it's not what you were interested in.

Honestly, OP, it sounds like this was a combination of naivete about the dating scene and being so flattered by the attention that you were prepared to overlook what was some pretty obviously questionable behaviour to me. Take it as a lesson learned and be a bit wiser about the whole thing next time.

(And also, genuinely, maybe just spend a bit of time figuring out how to be single again.)

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118054853#Comment_118054853

Sorry to point out the obvious but “Looking for pictures” means checking the product and it’s willingness to be consumed.

I’d say you are running “danger” of being used here, so don’t consider this a date that leads to anything but sex.

Ah Jaysis, he asked for photos???!

You were a definite hook up. Things really haven't changed that much in ten years, if someone wants a date with you, then that's what they ask for. Not sexy pics and a blowie in a car!

Deja Boo

Well that puts me off dating permanently. I am sorry a person you like treated you with such disrespect.

Jequ0n

Tbh he might have misinterpreted a few things, just as the OP did. Nothing wrong with a hook up, but it looks like some wires got crossed here.

OP, just remember what you want, and not what others want.

Carlowgirl

Ya I guess I over looked the “ lively talk “ a bit and didn’t participate. In one way it’s great I met him because now I know instead of texting for hours and days and getting attached to him . As someone said it was disrespectful to put me in that position in a car parked up . Asking for oral sex and to let him check my breast and body part s . My doctor wouldn’t check me over like that . What was he looking to check in my pants 😂god I’m so naive if this is dating now keep it

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055044#Comment_118055044

Maybe he was worried about some Crying Game scenario, can't be too careful in these days of 'gender fluidity'. Or checking to see if you were wearing 'sexy knickers' and his luck was definitely in...

Yeah he sounds like he might be a fundamentally decent guy who just misread the signals and might even be a good fit for you, but there's no regaining trust after an experience like this...

Carlowgirl

it actually gets worse I forgot to mention he took it out and everything. God 🙈is there any man here I can pm for advise I can’t even write all the details here or a woman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055236#Comment_118055236

I really don't think you need advise from anyone here. Pretty sure you know that's not normal first date behaviour.

at least you have learnt something from this guy.

Big Bag of Chips

@Carlowgirl PMing posters is strictly against the rules of the Personal Issues Forum for the reasons outlined here.

Please keep all advice and communication on thread. You are anonymous here.

I have a funny feeling you'll have a couple of pink gins over the weekend and text him.

Carlowgirl

Ok sorry about the pm query

Carlowgirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055284#Comment_118055284

no I am disappointed tho

Carlowgirl

Ok I’ll just put it down to a bad experience .

Wombatman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055236#Comment_118055236

Jeepers, this guy is going from borderline date rape to indecent exposure. I'm not in any way trying to put what happened on you, but how clear were you with your signaling and cues in the lead up and during the meet up? Obviously all this didn't happen in a split second. Why not get out of the car and leave if you were that uncomfortable?

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055070#Comment_118055070

You have absolutely no way of knowing he's "fundamentally a good guy". As for "checking something".. He was chancing his arm.

OP you were the one in the situation and were totally right to put a stop to him. He's not representative of all men, or even most men. To be honest he sounds very immature, like a horny teenager. I'd say he has very little adult relationship experience.

Don't be put off. But take some of the advice offered here and in future meet dates in a public place. Have your own way of getting there and getting home. You'll find better dates.

RojaStar

He wanted to "check something" down your pants? WTAF?! Run a mile as someone said above, dating has not fundamentally changed THAT much. Everything about that experience gives me the creeps, to the point that I'm struggling to believe it's for real. Getting into a car with someone you don't know is a bad idea. I'm so glad for you that it didn't go further downhill than that.

Carlowgirl

It is real unfortunately . And yes he is immature but seems to have adult relation experience as he was married before . Ya I think I’m in denial about how wrong it was . I had a a in my head of who he is and he isn’t that person . Damn 👍

Carlowgirl

And I did drive to the walk and home it just started lashing when I got there and had walked down to meet him so I had to jump into his car

Pawwed Rig

It actually sounds like he lost control of himself completely like a 14 year old whose erection shut down their brain. Really immature stuff imo