First date disaster

Carlowgirl

Hi to make a long story short I’m newly single . Late thirties no kids . Still living with my ex due to housing issues . I haven’t been looking for anyone . I bumped into someone by complete accident in a business way as in I was a customer but it was a stressful situation and they got me out of a big hole . I paid them so it wasn’t a freebie but I appreciated their help . I was very attracted to him and bit the bullet and text him to say thanks for his help etc I guess to see what the response once . We started chatting and soon I couldn’t take the smile of my face after been unhappy for some time . I told him about my situation and he understood as he is just out of a similar situation . He is four years younger than me . We divided to meet for a chat and I told him I woukd not be having sex with him it was just for a chat but i guess I was half expecting there may be a kiss .

we met anyway and we were supposed to go for a walk but it started lashing so I sat into his car . We got on really well chatting and I enjoyed chatting to him and I told him I was nervous . He asked me could he kiss me and here s where’s it all went wrong . He completely mauled me I was not expecting it . He had hands everywhere . He asked me could he put his hands down my pants and I said no abs he said he just wanted to check something . He was rubbing me from the outside . He tried to grope my chest and I just wasn’t comfortable and I said no and it was like trying to keep a puppy down to me . I felt so awkward as I didn’t want it . He asked me woukd I ... I won’t even write it here but I guess you can imagine and I said no . Eventually I said sure better go and he dropped me to my car and we stayed chatting for a minute . I said to him today i not ready for that and that I had said that snd he said sorry . I said I guess I better focus on my living situation and sorting that out and I’d talk to him soon .

I was in a relationship for ten years and dating is new to me . I had expected a walk and maybe a bit of a romantic kiss but it was anything but . The kinda miss talking to him now because I did like him but I don’t want to go through that in . It wasn’t like abuse or anything it was just too much too fast . I’m kinda sorry because I really liked him and he was so attentive and made me smile . Now I’m wondering should I give it another try or is it just doomed . I didn’t enjoy kissing him to be honest it was too much . But I am sad because I liked him

XsApollo

Jesus Christ , no don’t go on another date with him.

Carlowgirl

Ha ok I really liked him though he was nice . He did apologise profusely and said he hadn’t intended on getting carried away . Thanks

ted1

The chap is an idiot. Don’t be put off dating again.

Seth Brundle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118054710#Comment_118054710

If that's how he behaves on a first date after you had already set boundaries, I'd never want to hear from him again

MacronvFrugals

Run a mile!

Doesn't sound anything like a first date!

Sounds like he was looking for a hook up, and you are not.

I wouldn't see him again.

Carlowgirl

Thanks for the help and comments . I’m so long out of the game and i hasn’t looked at anyone abs it was a complete coincidence through a disaster happening that I needed his business . Part of me thought I could say I’ll meet you again but you will have to slow it down snd calm down but I don’t know woukd it work . Also the kissing was so heavy I thought I was back at a teenage disco in Irish college . Is just how dates are now ? So long out of the game

Dial Hard

I get that you were off the market for a long time, OP, but seriously, that wasn't a date.

It sounds like you're *very* newly single so maybe just get used to that for a while but the next time you do date, go on an actual date - coffee, drinks, whatever, in an actual venue. A walk is a terrible first date, imo (others may disagree).

And seriously, if you feel the need to specify to someone before the first date that you've no intention of sleeping with them, I'd be questioning whether it's a date worth going on in the first place.

Carlowgirl

sorry for spelling issue s . I am typing on a phone .He had asked me to go for food and I said no because i wanted to go for a walk so that was my choice . In hindsight we should have gone in somewhere . I’d feel awkward eating in front of someone on a date to be honest . His text s we’re getting very lively and he was looking for pictures that I didn’t send so that’s why I said I wasn’t meeting him for that . Damn it I liked him

Carlowgirl

I guess if we had gone for something to eat we probably woukd have sat into the car anyway as it was lashing . It had been such a nice crisp day and as soon as I arrived it poured out of the car . It crosses my mind at one one stage that someone would ring the guards 😂

Dial Hard

There's a huge amount of middle ground between going straight for dinner as a first date (also a bad idea, imo) and going for a walk. Like I said, meeting in an actual venue for a drink or a coffee is your best bet. You're not committing to hours in their company but if you like them and it's going well, you can stay as long as you like.

Also, if someone is asking for sexy pics and laying it on thick with the "lively" talk before you've even gone out, that's a massive red "fcukboy" flag, tbh. Unless a hook up is all you're after, obvs, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it's not what you were interested in.

Honestly, OP, it sounds like this was a combination of naivete about the dating scene and being so flattered by the attention that you were prepared to overlook what was some pretty obviously questionable behaviour to me. Take it as a lesson learned and be a bit wiser about the whole thing next time.

(And also, genuinely, maybe just spend a bit of time figuring out how to be single again.)

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118054853#Comment_118054853

Sorry to point out the obvious but “Looking for pictures” means checking the product and it’s willingness to be consumed.

I’d say you are running “danger” of being used here, so don’t consider this a date that leads to anything but sex.

Ah Jaysis, he asked for photos???!

You were a definite hook up. Things really haven't changed that much in ten years, if someone wants a date with you, then that's what they ask for. Not sexy pics and a blowie in a car!

Deja Boo

Well that puts me off dating permanently. I am sorry a person you like treated you with such disrespect.

Jequ0n

Tbh he might have misinterpreted a few things, just as the OP did. Nothing wrong with a hook up, but it looks like some wires got crossed here.

OP, just remember what you want, and not what others want.

Carlowgirl

Ya I guess I over looked the “ lively talk “ a bit and didn’t participate. In one way it’s great I met him because now I know instead of texting for hours and days and getting attached to him . As someone said it was disrespectful to put me in that position in a car parked up . Asking for oral sex and to let him check my breast and body part s . My doctor wouldn’t check me over like that . What was he looking to check in my pants 😂god I’m so naive if this is dating now keep it

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055044#Comment_118055044

Maybe he was worried about some Crying Game scenario, can't be too careful in these days of 'gender fluidity'. Or checking to see if you were wearing 'sexy knickers' and his luck was definitely in...

Yeah he sounds like he might be a fundamentally decent guy who just misread the signals and might even be a good fit for you, but there's no regaining trust after an experience like this...

Carlowgirl

it actually gets worse I forgot to mention he took it out and everything. God 🙈is there any man here I can pm for advise I can’t even write all the details here or a woman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055236#Comment_118055236

I really don't think you need advise from anyone here. Pretty sure you know that's not normal first date behaviour.

at least you have learnt something from this guy.

Big Bag of Chips

@Carlowgirl PMing posters is strictly against the rules of the Personal Issues Forum for the reasons outlined here.

Please keep all advice and communication on thread. You are anonymous here.

I have a funny feeling you'll have a couple of pink gins over the weekend and text him.

Carlowgirl

Ok sorry about the pm query

Carlowgirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055284#Comment_118055284

no I am disappointed tho

Carlowgirl

Ok I’ll just put it down to a bad experience .

Wombatman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055236#Comment_118055236

Jeepers, this guy is going from borderline date rape to indecent exposure. I'm not in any way trying to put what happened on you, but how clear were you with your signaling and cues in the lead up and during the meet up? Obviously all this didn't happen in a split second. Why not get out of the car and leave if you were that uncomfortable?

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055070#Comment_118055070

You have absolutely no way of knowing he's "fundamentally a good guy". As for "checking something".. He was chancing his arm.

OP you were the one in the situation and were totally right to put a stop to him. He's not representative of all men, or even most men. To be honest he sounds very immature, like a horny teenager. I'd say he has very little adult relationship experience.

Don't be put off. But take some of the advice offered here and in future meet dates in a public place. Have your own way of getting there and getting home. You'll find better dates.

RojaStar

He wanted to "check something" down your pants? WTAF?! Run a mile as someone said above, dating has not fundamentally changed THAT much. Everything about that experience gives me the creeps, to the point that I'm struggling to believe it's for real. Getting into a car with someone you don't know is a bad idea. I'm so glad for you that it didn't go further downhill than that.

Carlowgirl

It is real unfortunately . And yes he is immature but seems to have adult relation experience as he was married before . Ya I think I’m in denial about how wrong it was . I had a a in my head of who he is and he isn’t that person . Damn 👍

Carlowgirl

And I did drive to the walk and home it just started lashing when I got there and had walked down to meet him so I had to jump into his car

Pawwed Rig

It actually sounds like he lost control of himself completely like a 14 year old whose erection shut down their brain. Really immature stuff imo

RojaStar

I can see how that would easily happen, chalk it down to experience! As a seasoned dater myself, I can spot these gobsh1tes a mile away just by their photos or bios.

Agree with the previous suggestion to limit first dates to a coffee or a drink. You'll generally have made your mind up about them in the first few minutes. In my case I've been guilty of dragging it out to see if they grow on me, despite deep down knowing that my first impression won't change! As I get older I find kissing on the first date super cringey as well, but that's just me. I would have literally jumped out the window if someone said "can I kiss you" 😂, never mind can I give you a physical once over.

Honestly it sounds like you might want to give dating a miss and just enjoy doing your own thing for a while.

Tork

When I read these sorts of threads, I try to view it from the other person's point of view. I'm not absolving this guy of any blame here but I can understand why he thought he was going to get more than a kiss here. The tone of your messaging turned sexual quite quickly and yet, you still agreed to meet him. Then you made that remark about not having sex and you were alone with him in his car... There isn't just one sort modern dating out there. There are plenty of people who just want to get their rocks off and that's fine, just as long as both people are on the same page. But if you're after a relationship, the ones who rev things up like this guy are best avoided.

From a practical point of view, trying to date while your ex is still living with you is a recipe for disaster anyway. I hope you can get that sorted out soon and that you split from him properly. I'm sure your current living arrangements are stressful enough as they are, without adding that extra complication of dating somebody.

Carlowgirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055319#Comment_118055319

Yes I was afraid the guards would pull up or something . We had gone for a drive to look for somewhere to go for food or tea or coffee but i didn’t really want to go in . I had really wanted to go for a walk . I guess in my head I woukd be less nervous walking . I like walking and chatting

Carlowgirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055643#Comment_118055643

I shut down the sex talk abs didn’t entertain it . He asked me could he send me pics etc and I said no . I wouldn’t send him pictures . I told him I didn’t want to have sex with him in case he thought it was a hook up . His messages went from being funny and caring to ott dic pic talks . Yes I had no intention of dating . It was a chance encounter where I was in a bit of a crisis and I just liked him so i text him to casually say thanks to see if he was interested.

RojaStar

You'll have a better game plan for next time OP. Nothing wrong with a walk as a first date once it's in a neutral setting obviously.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of texting someone regularly before you really get to know them, and then the reality doesn't add up to the person you'd built up in your head. It works both ways obviously. When you cut contact it leaves a hole where that good morning / good night / how was your day text was. But it wears off after a few days. Definitely not a reason to keep chatting to someone who's not right for you.

Carlowgirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055687#Comment_118055687

Yes your right . I had spent a small amount of time with him in a business capacity and I had a completely different version of him in my head . ☹️

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055677#Comment_118055677

You've completely missed the point though. A guy who you barely knew was already sending sex-related texts and looking for photos. It doesn't matter whether you encouraged it or not - he had already made his motivations clear as day. It's a sign that would send most women running for the hills, unless they were up for a knee trembler.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055692#Comment_118055692

That's why it's always advisable to meet for a coffee first, rather than put yourself into a vulnerable position. The same rule applies whether you've met somebody on a dating app or got chatting to them in the pub. You'd be surprised how people can turn out not to be who you thought they were. Me and my friends have plenty of war stories. I get the impression that you were very much sheltered from that world because you were in that relationship for so long?

Carlowgirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055717#Comment_118055717

Oh yes big time . My ex who I am living with is such a gentleman I’m wondering did I not appreciate what I had and maybe we can sort it out . I have friends in pof etc but I wasn’t looking and met him through a chance encounter or through his line of work and my head was turned and I felt giddy and excited 🙈

Carlowgirl

I was like a bit of a school girl actually but isn’t that a nice feeling 🙈

BorneTobyWilde

No guy does all those things straight off the bat..............unless it's repetitive behavior from him, which is exactly what it sounds like, wasn't his first rodeo, sounds like a guy who knows how to play the field, you're not special in any way him, you're just another to try it on with. Right now he's parked somewhere else with another girl, that's the reality .

Carlowgirl

Ha I actually think it was a bit of immaturity as someone said but that doesn’t excuse it . He’s around three to four years younger me . It was strange. Before my long term relationship dating was shifting in college or hometown pubs or night clubs . I’m very green and naive to today’s world 🙈

Carlowgirl

I really appreciate all the comments it’s helping me to make sense of it (obviously I have no dating sense😂 )

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055743#Comment_118055743

Of course! 😃 It's a pity this guy didn't turn out to be the person you thought he was but that's the risk you take any time you go on a date with somebody new.

TheadoreT

I'd imagine when 99% of women receive unsolicited dick pics they block right away. This may be the first time I've ever heard a guy getting a date from it. Not victim blaming or anything OP but maybe try heed a few obvious signs in future when you're clearly uncomfortable with that sort of behaviour.

Carlowgirl

He didn’t send a dic pic he asked me could he send one and I said no

Carlowgirl

Yes I’ve a lot to learn 😂I can only laugh at it now

LLMMLL

Don't listen to any of this bull that he's a fundamentally good guy who read the signals wrong.

You don't have to tell someone to f off by text or slap them in the face in person to send a clear signal. It's completely obvious when someone is sexually uncomfortable and not into what is happening. The issue is that a fair percentage of guys ignore these obvious signals because they can get away with it.

So he's not a fundamentally nice guy. He's a creep. Of course he could be perfectly delightful outside of sexual encounters but still a creep sexually.

And the "checking something" in your pants line? Gobsmacking.

You did nothing wrong OP. There's no real good advice either except maybe about recognising the creeps earlier.

Carlowgirl

Yes there was a bit of flirting in the messages but I wasn’t talking about sex or anything. Just general banter . I think he is a nice guy outside of encounters and it might be more of an immature issue than a pervert issue but I’ll leave him off

Carlowgirl

Is still love to know what he wanted to check in my pants . It was worse than been at a gynaecologists😂