Empathetic/Doormatrix or otherwise?

23-09-2021 12:58AM #1

There’s a wandering line between being empathetic and being a bit of a doormat. Whilst being good-hearted /generous is a positive quality, it can sometimes slip over the thin sinuous line that divides that from being a person over which others may take take a little advantage.

The question is, how do you be kind and a bit blunt at the same time or is this possible at all at all?

Victor · 23-09-2021 01:35AM

I think what you are looking for is assertiveness - "I'm important, but so are you".

While assertiveness is often associated with aggressiveness, that is not the correct interpretation.

pappyodaniel · 23-09-2021 01:57AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117927234#Comment_117927234

Assertiveness > Aggressiveness

Assertiveness > Passiveness.

WHich leads me to the question, of the two, which is a better personality type, assertiveness or passiveness?

RulesOfNature · 23-09-2021 02:43AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117927253#Comment_117927253

You literally just answered your question.

Turquoise Hexagon Sun · 23-09-2021 04:27AM

"The question is, how do you be kind and a bit blunt at the same time or is this possible at all at all?"

I think that's called being compassionate.

Jequ0n · 23-09-2021 07:07AM

If people are too stupid to set and maintain boundaries they deserve to be taken advantage of.

People pleasers are not necessarily empathetic but are motivated by a desperate need to be liked and accepted.

HalloweenJack · 23-09-2021 07:44AM

You learn by experience. You need to value your time and efforts and judge people. Once you've been burned a few times, you'll have a better idea of what people are like and know who to engage with and who not to.

I have been a doormat in the past but now I limit myself when it comed to helping people. If I don't want to do it, I won't. If people get pissed off with that, that's their problem. I'm not responsible for solving their problems. I'll only help out if the mood takes me.

23-09-2021 12:19PM

“Assertiveness courses” came into vogue some de adds ago, but some of the folk I knew who embarked on them were already very enthusiastic about asserting themselves, they tended to be particularly self-focussed, and just wanted to be able to do it better. On the other hand I knew people who could have benefitted by attending them but had no desire to do so. The assertiveness comes from within, but some diplomacy can be learned.

nj27 · 23-09-2021 03:17PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117927362#Comment_117927362

Or they are a complete prick setting you up for an epic skull fcuking when you don’t expect it. Although actually playing a convincing nice guy is rare and you can see it coming ahead of time once you’ve met a few. This is in business situations, less likely in day to day stuff.

23-09-2021 04:21PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117929441#Comment_117929441

Years ago I had a “friend“ like that, played the great friend to all the world until the cracks opened. Still, I don’t think it was a totally conscious effort on their part but it’s the way some people operate habitually.

23-09-2021 04:23PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117927410#Comment_117927410

It can be tricky balancing one’s ethics and one’s ability to handle a scenario and remain enduring. That’s why boundaries are always necessary.

23-09-2021 04:28PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117927362#Comment_117927362

I agree with the last part of your post J. There are definitely those who go out of their way for others because of their own lack. Perhaps they feel the must or they won't be liked, or maybe they fear a consequence of some sort. Whatever it is the motivation isn't an authentic desire to help.

That doesn't mean anything sinister though. I mean a lot of the time people who are that way inclined are struggling and maybe are desperate for positive attention and regard.

As to the OP's question, there is a very clear and strong line between having empathy and being a doormat in my opinion.

If we have respect for ourselves and our sense of self is robust enough then we will set boundaries. We won't accept bad treatment from others. Even someone who is going through a hard time doesn't get off the hook for bad behaviour.

Of course there is more to it than the above because of the nature of humans. We can have empathy and be a people pleaser and assertive all at different times. These aren't black and white states.