wife on phone a lot

ztoical · 13-06-2021 08:48PM

runawaybishop wrote: »

Some weird posts here. It's pretty common in the online gaming community to meet up with people. If she was up to no good then shes not very good at covering her tracks. She just sounds lonely and sick of the house to me.

+ 1 I've meet people literally around the world connected with my interest in comic books. I had someone I'd only spoken to a few times via facebook pick me up from the airport in Cape town and stayed the night at theirs. Nothing weird or sexual happened, we talked comics then they organized a meet up with local artists and we all hung out for the day. I've done the same in several cities in Australia and New Zealand, Singapore, Thailand, Mongolia etc etc If you are heavily into a fandom be it gaming, comics, music, sport etc etc you will make connections and meet up with people. Good friend of mine loves Iron Maiden, he's meet other fans all over the world and gone to concerts with them.

Yes some of how the OP has described the events sounds a little odd but that could be done to its coming second hand from them and some facts maybe have been distorted. I agree with some folks the choice of wording from the OP I find the most odd. There appears to be a very childish relationship between the two of you and not healthy at all.

Dog day · 13-06-2021 09:45PM

true-or-false wrote: »

She's finally made some friends, and you tell her it's sad? As in the meaning of 'sad' to mean 'a bit pathetic'? That's horrible. That's truly horrible.

I disagree entirely. You’re being extremely harsh on the OP, these people aren’t ‘friends’, they’re random strangers off the internet & granted I understand his wife may be lonely but there are other ways to make true & meaningful connections with people. It’s the intensity with which she’s pursuing these connections that would worry me, meeting random people in B&Bs etc. I feel very sorry for the OPs wife as I’d imagine she’s lonely but her behaviour as described by the OP (granted there are two sides to every story) is very bizarre.

13-06-2021 09:50PM

Dog day wrote: »

I disagree entirely. You’re being extremely harsh on the OP, these people aren’t ‘friends’, they’re random strangers off the internet & granted I understand his wife may be lonely but there are other ways to make true & meaningful connections with people. It’s the intensity with which she’s pursuing these connections that would worry me, meeting random people in B&Bs etc. I feel very sorry for the OPs wife as I’d imagine she’s lonely but her behaviour as described by the OP (granted there are two sides to every story) is very bizarre.

Random strangers on boards meet up, regularly. Personally I know forum games posters have beers, and as soon as possible now restrictions are ended, it will happen again.
Do you think that they cannot make friends?

runawaybishop · 13-06-2021 09:58PM

Dog day wrote: »

I disagree entirely. You’re being extremely harsh on the OP, these people aren’t ‘friends’, they’re random strangers off the internet & granted I understand his wife may be lonely but there are other ways to make true & meaningful connections with people. It’s the intensity with which she’s pursuing these connections that would worry me, meeting random people in B&Bs etc. I feel very sorry for the OPs wife as I’d imagine she’s lonely but her behaviour as described by the OP (granted there are two sides to every story) is very bizarre.

Of course people you meet online can be friends. What a totally bizarre statement. I've worked in the online gaming community, meetups happen all the time. There is nothing weird about it.

poisonated · 13-06-2021 10:03PM

I’m not married so my opinion may not mean a lot but I would agree with the thought that it is odd not including you.

Dog day · 13-06-2021 10:05PM

runawaybishop wrote: »

Of course people you meet online can be friends. What a totally bizarre statement. I've worked in the online gaming community, meetups happen all the time. There is nothing weird about it.

You’ve misrepresented my post, that’s not what I said. At the moment these people are random strangers, not actual friends. I’m not going to argue with you as to the meaning of true friendship & I have no interest in getting into a further back & forth with someone who over simplifies.

runawaybishop · 13-06-2021 10:12PM

Dog day wrote: »

You’ve misrepresented my post, that’s not what I said. At the moment these people are random strangers, not actual friends. I’m not going to argue with you as to the meaning of true friendship & I have no interest in getting into a further back & forth with someone who over simplifies.

What are you trying to say so?

I disagree they are strangers. I have worked with people for 2 years before meeting them in person, they were not strangers when I did meet them in person.

People who only engage online can absolutely have 'true friendships'. Again, forming friendships online and meeting up is extremely common is many online communities.

poisonated · 13-06-2021 10:17PM

I have met people from online and I don’t think it’s very strange. I just find it odd that you would not be included. I would feel like a third wheel if it was just a couple and me. I would think it would be better if there were 2 couples. I’ve never been in a relationship though.

13-06-2021 10:18PM

Dog day wrote: »

You’ve misrepresented my post, that’s not what I said. At the moment these people are random strangers, not actual friends. I’m not going to argue with you as to the meaning of true friendship & I have no interest in getting into a further back & forth with someone who over simplifies.

They may not be 'in real life ' friends yet, but they could be after they meet.

runawaybishop · 13-06-2021 10:29PM

poisonated wrote: »

I have met people from online and I don’t think it’s very strange. I just find it odd that you would not be included. I would feel like a third wheel if it was just a couple and me. I would think it would be better if there were 2 couples. I’ve never been in a relationship though.

In the op its stated that he said she was 'sad' for wanting to meet up. Not a surprise he isn't invited tbh.

Annasopra · 13-06-2021 10:33PM

Im struggling to understand the OPs viewpoint here

His wife is lonely and has made some friends from an online space and wants to meet them.

I dont get why its so sad or embarassing.

It feels a bit to me more like the OP is controlling and judgemental of his wife; controlling when she can go away to meet friends and judging how she makes friends.

FionnK86 · 13-06-2021 10:42PM

OP, think you need to get babysitter and try to work with your wife as she tries to make friends.

Who knows, you might have some fun.

Dial Hard · 13-06-2021 10:57PM

Dog day wrote: »

You’ve misrepresented my post, that’s not what I said. At the moment these people are random strangers, not actual friends. I’m not going to argue with you as to the meaning of true friendship & I have no interest in getting into a further back & forth with someone who over simplifies.

How exactly do you think "random strangers" get to be actual friends other than by meeting in person???

I've met and become genuine friends with people from online loads of times over the years. Sometimes in a Beers capacity and sometimes one-to-one. I did the handfasting at a very close friend's wedding last year and was honoured to do so. We met for the first time in a restaurant in Dublin after chatting on Boards for months. I don't really get how this is much different, other than the distances involved.

Diceicle · 13-06-2021 11:02PM

Emotional Affairs can and do develop between players of online games. Just look on reddit Surviving Infidelity or Relationship Issues. Plenty of them there.
Emotional Affairs can and do develop into physical affairs. So that possibility shouldn't be discounted out of hand. Particularly if she is lonely and that this behaviour is highly unusual.
Her requests appear unusual enough to raise a red flag, it could be argued.

Blush_01 · 14-06-2021 01:30AM

Seve OB wrote: »

Oh jaysus why do women get such a hang up when fellas say they have to babysit their own kids.

Because if they're your kids, it's called parenting, regardless of which parent you are. It's not rocket science.

Having made plenty of friends online, particularly in my late teens, OP's wife seems to be behaving in a potentially risky manner, especially with the global pandemic we're still not free of. Maybe she doesn't understand the risks, or thinks they don't apply to her. Maybe she can't wipe one more nose without getting a break for herself with someone who sees her as more than a mother first, and a person second. Maybe it's something else entirely. None of us know. But the OP can find out. Communication and an open mind would be a good start.

OP, no point in having a discussion about this with the answers already prescribed in your head, you need to listen to her and understand what's actually going on, not what you've decided is happening.

Jequ0n · 14-06-2021 04:34AM

I think a lot of people have missed the point about her spending hours playing this game every day, and are solely focussing on their own experiences of having made online friends. Maybe I see this differently because I have an addictive personality myself but there are definitely warning signs here.

OP mentions that she got addicted. Maybe it’s an exaggeration, I don’t know. Once a habit starts impacting on other parts of your life you do have a problem though, and it looks like this new hobby is at least impacting on their relationship. Excluding the partner from meeting the new found friends is another indication that there is a divide in the relationship about this.

Having been through many phases like this I can testify that you get tunnel vision, lose focus and interest in other things etc etc. If she is isolating herself and considering traveling to another continent (!) to specifically meet up with someone over a shared interest then you are not talking about a healthy hobby any more, and I would seriously question her ability to make good decisions.

retro:electro · 14-06-2021 10:15AM

I think this is one of those threads where the two extremes of each side come out, when in reality the solution probably lies somewhere in the middle. Is your wife wrong for wanting to make friends online? No. Is she wrong for wanting to meet up with these people she has a shared interest with? No. And the nature of her interest doesn’t make her sad either. But equally you’re not wrong to be a little uncomfortable with it. From a basic safety standpoint I wouldn’t be comfortable with my partner going off to a b&b for a night the first time he has ever met someone. What happens if she feels something is off and wants to leave? Why can’t she meet them first for a walk somewhere and bring you along, everyone gets to know everyone and then she can do her b&b thing once is pretty much established that they’re normal.

It’s pretty much guaranteed that they’re not going to be serial killers but there’s a reason why on first dates you meet somewhere neutral and open, I don’t think this is any different. So where she’s not wrong and very much entitled to make friends with whoever she likes, I’d be wary of her first meeting them on an overnight stay where you’re not invited.

Annasopra · 14-06-2021 02:47PM

Dog day wrote: »

That’s a fair point Leggo but my genuine take on his tone is that he’s very distressed by his wife’s behaviour. I sincerely don’t interpret the OPs posts as belittling his wife, I read it as he’s worried & understandably embarrassed. I believe he’s simply being very honest about his feelings on the matter & him posting like this shows he cares.

Equally some other posters are taking issue with me not giving credence to the strength of friendships that can be forged in online gaming communities, I’ll accept I may be wrong about this as I have no experience of it myself however I do believe the intensity with which the OPs wife is approaching this new avenue of friendship by spending hours online, not to mention planning meeting up with people who are currently virtual strangers is very worrying behaviour & attests to his wife being deeply lonely & in need of more concrete connections. Perhaps strong bonds can be built up online but like most worthwhile relationships this takes time & a steady & safe approach.

He presents his wifes behaviour in wanting to build relationships as sad and bizarre and embarassing.

He doesnt allow his wife to see friends and throws a passive agressive strop by saying that he has something on the same time even though he doesnt.

His wife spoke to him about how his behaviour but he claims that she is trying to manipulate him.

All of this behaviour seems belittling to me; judging/labelling her as sad and embarassing, blocking her actions, claiming she is trying to manipulate him.

Vaccinated30 · 14-06-2021 03:56PM

Ive met people from the UK I met through FB groups. They were over for a concert in croke Park,We met in mcds with the kids and had a chat and walk around smyths. Gave some good sight seeing venues and left. If I was asked to meet and stay in a B&B I'd block them. I would never visit another country with the sole intention of meeting a stranger.

Jequ0n · 14-06-2021 04:30PM

Tbh I’d find it more bizarre if the OP wasn’t worried about his wife and the potential dangers.

Maybe a forum or articles on (gaming) addiction are a better starting point. That could give the OP a different perspective and confirm/ dispute his opinion, and also maybe help with broaching the topic in a constructive way.

dubstepper · 14-06-2021 04:58PM

I would not let people bully you into thinking that you are in the wrong. Whether you are being judgemental. or a little harsh, it is definitely strange behaviour.

Can I fly to the US to meet someone from the game? No way. The cost of it would be equivalent to a family holiday. Absolutely unreasonable request. Can I fly home to my parent's on my own? Of course but not to meet a stranger.

The B&B is very weird too. I have friends from other countries too. Sometime they might stay with our family on a visit or in a hotel. I go and meet them to catch up and come home to my own bed.

xhomelezz · 14-06-2021 06:48PM

Shouldn't they talk to each other, instead of reading all of this?

15-06-2021 10:48AM

husb b wrote: »

I was initially shocked and i told her it was a bit sad to travel to america to see some one.

That is a value judgement I could not share with you. Some people find it hard to make a connection with anyone. So when they make a connection they go to above ordinary lengths to further that connection. Over Covid for example I have dipped in and out of watching Live Music on Twitch. There is one particular Canadian Streamer who I would happily meet up with were he to come to Ireland - or if I were to go to Canada.

A part of me has always wanted to go to Canada but never has. So I would happily let meeting that guy be the final straw in doing it - were he interested to meet up too. For me it would be 50% to see him - and 50% that I wanted to go there anyway really. Perhaps it is the same with the UK couple? We simply do not know alas.

Meanwhile another group of people following an Irish Music Streamer are planning a meet up in Belfast. The streamer is based in Dublin and most of his fans are around UK and the Republic. But they are all planning to hop in cars - trains - and planes to have a big piss up in Belfast. None of them have met before - except on this guys music stream on Twitch. There too an over night stay will be included - for no nefarious reasons other than they plan a piss up and don't want to be going home after it even if they could.

We are humans and we make connections with other humans. And those connections can be very meaningful to us. Technology has just given us a world where we can make those connections over great distances now.

husb b wrote: »

I suppose it all comes down to trust and i just dont know what to think.

That is a different thing though. If you are thinking of this in terms of "Trust" then that is a very different thing to you value judging it as "sad". The two are entirely different issues really. But it is _possible_ that one is feeding the other. That perhaps you are having a trust issue here and that is manifesting itself as a Value Judgement of their meeting up as being "sad". It is possible that rather than confront your trust issues or jealousy - you are turning that into a negative judgement of their arrangement itself.

You would do well to separate the two entirely and engage in introspection with yourself on each one individually. Be sure that negative feelings about one are not manufacturing pseudo negative feelings about the other.

Whether you trust her or not is _entirely_ separate to whether you think it is "sad" to meet up with people in this way.

What you need here - as I said in the opening of this post - is more information. You seem to know very little about the game and the interactions within it. And in most situations with humans - ignorance breeds fear and paranoia. Gently find out more and see if there is any reason to have trust issues yourself.

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Exactly. If the friend is bringing a husband, you should be invited too.

Perhaps but it is not a must. Especially if the people she is meeting are very interested in their shared interest (the game) but he himself is absolutely not (he does not even seem to know the name of the game - such is his level of interest in it).

One of my partners is a freelance translator and she communicates with other translators from around the world. On occasions she would meet up with such people for the social aspect of it. Generally she does this without us - as really their shared interest is outside my sphere entirely.

However we have other shared interests like Brazilian JuJitsu and we have met people who we have connected online with on that topic too. And we happily invite each other to that.

In short - there are scenarios when bring your partner(s) feels right - and others were it may work out better not to.

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Also, going to America on her own to meet a total stranger? No, that's just weird.

Except it really is not. People do it all the time. People used to do it in the time of pen pals long before the internet. I myself had a pen pal in my youth who travelled quite a long way to meet me in Ireland.

But since the advent of the internet - chat rooms - social media and more - people are more often been meeting other people over great distances. For friendships and more. In fact I think this very forum that we are on has a number of romances that turned into marriages. One of my favourite guys in the whole world is a guy I met from this forum myself too. He is now a close close friend. Alas he is Irish but living in Germany.

There is nothing "Fishy" about it. People do it all the time and it is perfectly ok.

Dog day wrote: »

I’m not going to argue with you as to the meaning of true friendship & I have no interest in getting into a further back & forth with someone who over simplifies.

The issue here is that you are the only one who seems to be over simplfying. Human connection and friendships are massively complex things. And based on almost no information whatsoever you have declared the friendship not "real" and they are not "actual friends".

Your exact words. You used the phrase "real life friends" as if that actually means anything when it does not. There is nothing whatsoever that makes a friendship over a distance more "real" than one from your neighbourhood. We have no idea how real their connection is - or what their connection is. The downside of hearing only one side of the story I guess. For example the OP was very vague on just how long she has been interacting with people in this game. Days? Weeks? Months? All of covid? Longer?

If it was days or a couple of weeks I might share your concerns here. If she has been talking to this people months or over a year - not so much.

But I absolutely think you are 100% right on the money when you say that they should communicate this to each other - and that the OP should in no way be lambasted for raising his concerns. You could not be more right there I think - and unfair attacks on the OP help nothing. If the OP did not care - he would not be posting here. Even if he did phrase a few things quite poorly and judgementally. I think we can put that down to fear and concern - not malice or judgement.

dubstepper wrote: »

The B&B is very weird too. I have friends from other countries too. Sometime they might stay with our family on a visit or in a hotel. I go and meet them to catch up and come home to my own bed.

Because you have that option. But if you were living in the midlands for example and the meet up you were going to were in Dublin - then staying over night somewhere in the hospitality industry is an entirely natural and very common thing to do.

15-06-2021 06:16PM

Haven't read all the posts, but as someone who has made friends all over the world, having met them through shared interests, blogs and online forums on those shared interests I feel sorry for your wife.

Its a shame that some people here obviously don't realise that genuine friendships can be made online, without there being "something odd going on". I have travelled to London in the past to meet up with online friends and have plans to visit the States next year to meet up with someone I've been friends online with for over 5 years. As part of the same visit, my daughter and I will be attending a wedding of a couple that my daughter made friends with online, in the same way. She has other friends who are planning to visit Dublin, they were supposed to come last year but Covid happened.

Its a big old world outside of your parish.

JustAThought · 15-06-2021 06:24PM

There is a big difference between making friends with an induvidual or three online and going to a different continent to meet and stay with a stranger who you have roleplayed alongside but don’t know as person. Or going in a pandemic, despite the risk to your 3 children, to meet and overnight with 2 total strangers who will be breaking the lockdown rules and coming from a high risk India variant country who do not want your husband along - and to stay the night with them the first time you ever meet them.

Totally different.

15-06-2021 06:29PM

JustAThought wrote: »

There is a big difference between making friends with an induvidual or three online and going to a different continent to meet and stay with a stranger who you have roleplayed alongside but don’t know as person. Or going in a pandemic, despite the risk to your 3 children, to meet and overnight with 2 total strangers who will be breaking the lockdown rules and coming from a high risk India variant country who do not want your husband along - and to stay the night with them the first time you ever meet them.

Totally different.

Covid concerns aside, (which is really not the problem here) - don't knock it until you've tried it.

People have been making friends online through shared interests, hobbies, music, fandoms, gaming, etc for years, as someone mentioned above, years ago friends were made by letter writing to penpals.

Meet ups happen all the time. Nothing weird about it at all.

cloudatlas · 15-06-2021 08:21PM

I've lived with people who spend all of their time online discussing comics, cos-play, fan fiction, spending hours locked away playing video games or watching video game tournaments like league of legends. They make friends and they have met up with those friends in real life, it's normal, they are normal.

Your wife is a grown woman who needs to have other interests and get out of the house now and again. If the Op is worried maybe he could give her a lift to the b&b and have a drink with the couple and have a friendly chat with them and then offer to pick her up or go off.

The fragile nature of some of the people declaring that the wife wants to cheat with this couple is unbelievable.

This is your time to show your wife support and you are behaving in a very babyish way.

tara73 · 15-06-2021 10:31PM

Op, hasn't come back until his last post a few days ago, so it's all speculating and heating up at this stage.

first I missed OP's second post, but after reading it I have to say I find it almost disturbing.
quote from the OP's second post:

The "friends" are coming for three nights and i asked which night are they going to Dublin. I then said i am going away for the other two nights. This led to a massive row and she was asking why are you going away. I just said that if you are doing your thing i will do mine, if you are going away for a night so will i. She now says that she feels that i am punishing her by doing this, she has finally made fiends and while she didnt say i was spoiling it on it was was the impression i got. I think this is mean and she is trying to manipulate me.

god, this reads like a first teenage relationship, tit for tat like someone mentioned already: if you do what you want I do what I want. He's accusing her of manipulating him but he's the one manipulating here.
I think it would be really important to hear the wife's side of the story in this case.
Anyway, probably one of the threads these days the OP is never coming back again.

16-06-2021 08:38AM

It's not weird and if she is meeting people for drinks then it's perfectly normal to book a B&B when she doesn't live in Dublin.

Big Bag of Chips · 16-06-2021 10:40AM

All posters are reminded that Personal Issues is an advice forum. It always has been.

Thread locked to tidy up.

When it is reopened, offer advice to the OP or don't post.

wife on phone a lot

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