wife on phone a lot

dubstepper

I would not let people bully you into thinking that you are in the wrong. Whether you are being judgemental. or a little harsh, it is definitely strange behaviour.

Can I fly to the US to meet someone from the game? No way. The cost of it would be equivalent to a family holiday. Absolutely unreasonable request. Can I fly home to my parent's on my own? Of course but not to meet a stranger.

The B&B is very weird too. I have friends from other countries too. Sometime they might stay with our family on a visit or in a hotel. I go and meet them to catch up and come home to my own bed.

xhomelezz

Shouldn't they talk to each other, instead of reading all of this?

husb b

husb b wrote: »

I was initially shocked and i told her it was a bit sad to travel to america to see some one.

That is a value judgement I could not share with you. Some people find it hard to make a connection with anyone. So when they make a connection they go to above ordinary lengths to further that connection. Over Covid for example I have dipped in and out of watching Live Music on Twitch. There is one particular Canadian Streamer who I would happily meet up with were he to come to Ireland - or if I were to go to Canada.

A part of me has always wanted to go to Canada but never has. So I would happily let meeting that guy be the final straw in doing it - were he interested to meet up too. For me it would be 50% to see him - and 50% that I wanted to go there anyway really. Perhaps it is the same with the UK couple? We simply do not know alas.

Meanwhile another group of people following an Irish Music Streamer are planning a meet up in Belfast. The streamer is based in Dublin and most of his fans are around UK and the Republic. But they are all planning to hop in cars - trains - and planes to have a big piss up in Belfast. None of them have met before - except on this guys music stream on Twitch. There too an over night stay will be included - for no nefarious reasons other than they plan a piss up and don't want to be going home after it even if they could.

We are humans and we make connections with other humans. And those connections can be very meaningful to us. Technology has just given us a world where we can make those connections over great distances now.

husb b wrote: »

I suppose it all comes down to trust and i just dont know what to think.

That is a different thing though. If you are thinking of this in terms of "Trust" then that is a very different thing to you value judging it as "sad". The two are entirely different issues really. But it is _possible_ that one is feeding the other. That perhaps you are having a trust issue here and that is manifesting itself as a Value Judgement of their meeting up as being "sad". It is possible that rather than confront your trust issues or jealousy - you are turning that into a negative judgement of their arrangement itself.

You would do well to separate the two entirely and engage in introspection with yourself on each one individually. Be sure that negative feelings about one are not manufacturing pseudo negative feelings about the other.

Whether you trust her or not is _entirely_ separate to whether you think it is "sad" to meet up with people in this way.

What you need here - as I said in the opening of this post - is more information. You seem to know very little about the game and the interactions within it. And in most situations with humans - ignorance breeds fear and paranoia. Gently find out more and see if there is any reason to have trust issues yourself.

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Exactly. If the friend is bringing a husband, you should be invited too.

Perhaps but it is not a must. Especially if the people she is meeting are very interested in their shared interest (the game) but he himself is absolutely not (he does not even seem to know the name of the game - such is his level of interest in it).

One of my partners is a freelance translator and she communicates with other translators from around the world. On occasions she would meet up with such people for the social aspect of it. Generally she does this without us - as really their shared interest is outside my sphere entirely.

However we have other shared interests like Brazilian JuJitsu and we have met people who we have connected online with on that topic too. And we happily invite each other to that.

In short - there are scenarios when bring your partner(s) feels right - and others were it may work out better not to.

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Also, going to America on her own to meet a total stranger? No, that's just weird.

Except it really is not. People do it all the time. People used to do it in the time of pen pals long before the internet. I myself had a pen pal in my youth who travelled quite a long way to meet me in Ireland.

But since the advent of the internet - chat rooms - social media and more - people are more often been meeting other people over great distances. For friendships and more. In fact I think this very forum that we are on has a number of romances that turned into marriages. One of my favourite guys in the whole world is a guy I met from this forum myself too. He is now a close close friend. Alas he is Irish but living in Germany.

There is nothing "Fishy" about it. People do it all the time and it is perfectly ok.

Dog day wrote: »

I’m not going to argue with you as to the meaning of true friendship & I have no interest in getting into a further back & forth with someone who over simplifies.

The issue here is that you are the only one who seems to be over simplfying. Human connection and friendships are massively complex things. And based on almost no information whatsoever you have declared the friendship not "real" and they are not "actual friends".

Your exact words. You used the phrase "real life friends" as if that actually means anything when it does not. There is nothing whatsoever that makes a friendship over a distance more "real" than one from your neighbourhood. We have no idea how real their connection is - or what their connection is. The downside of hearing only one side of the story I guess. For example the OP was very vague on just how long she has been interacting with people in this game. Days? Weeks? Months? All of covid? Longer?

If it was days or a couple of weeks I might share your concerns here. If she has been talking to this people months or over a year - not so much.

But I absolutely think you are 100% right on the money when you say that they should communicate this to each other - and that the OP should in no way be lambasted for raising his concerns. You could not be more right there I think - and unfair attacks on the OP help nothing. If the OP did not care - he would not be posting here. Even if he did phrase a few things quite poorly and judgementally. I think we can put that down to fear and concern - not malice or judgement.

dubstepper wrote: »

The B&B is very weird too. I have friends from other countries too. Sometime they might stay with our family on a visit or in a hotel. I go and meet them to catch up and come home to my own bed.

Because you have that option. But if you were living in the midlands for example and the meet up you were going to were in Dublin - then staying over night somewhere in the hospitality industry is an entirely natural and very common thing to do.

Haven't read all the posts, but as someone who has made friends all over the world, having met them through shared interests, blogs and online forums on those shared interests I feel sorry for your wife.

Its a shame that some people here obviously don't realise that genuine friendships can be made online, without there being "something odd going on". I have travelled to London in the past to meet up with online friends and have plans to visit the States next year to meet up with someone I've been friends online with for over 5 years. As part of the same visit, my daughter and I will be attending a wedding of a couple that my daughter made friends with online, in the same way. She has other friends who are planning to visit Dublin, they were supposed to come last year but Covid happened.

Its a big old world outside of your parish.

JustAThought

There is a big difference between making friends with an induvidual or three online and going to a different continent to meet and stay with a stranger who you have roleplayed alongside but don’t know as person. Or going in a pandemic, despite the risk to your 3 children, to meet and overnight with 2 total strangers who will be breaking the lockdown rules and coming from a high risk India variant country who do not want your husband along - and to stay the night with them the first time you ever meet them.

Totally different.

JustAThought

JustAThought wrote: »

There is a big difference between making friends with an induvidual or three online and going to a different continent to meet and stay with a stranger who you have roleplayed alongside but don’t know as person. Or going in a pandemic, despite the risk to your 3 children, to meet and overnight with 2 total strangers who will be breaking the lockdown rules and coming from a high risk India variant country who do not want your husband along - and to stay the night with them the first time you ever meet them.

Totally different.

Covid concerns aside, (which is really not the problem here) - don't knock it until you've tried it.

People have been making friends online through shared interests, hobbies, music, fandoms, gaming, etc for years, as someone mentioned above, years ago friends were made by letter writing to penpals.

Meet ups happen all the time. Nothing weird about it at all.

cloudatlas

I've lived with people who spend all of their time online discussing comics, cos-play, fan fiction, spending hours locked away playing video games or watching video game tournaments like league of legends. They make friends and they have met up with those friends in real life, it's normal, they are normal.

Your wife is a grown woman who needs to have other interests and get out of the house now and again. If the Op is worried maybe he could give her a lift to the b&b and have a drink with the couple and have a friendly chat with them and then offer to pick her up or go off.

The fragile nature of some of the people declaring that the wife wants to cheat with this couple is unbelievable.

This is your time to show your wife support and you are behaving in a very babyish way.

tara73

Op, hasn't come back until his last post a few days ago, so it's all speculating and heating up at this stage.


first I missed OP's second post, but after reading it I have to say I find it almost disturbing.
quote from the OP's second post:

The "friends" are coming for three nights and i asked which night are they going to Dublin. I then said i am going away for the other two nights. This led to a massive row and she was asking why are you going away. I just said that if you are doing your thing i will do mine, if you are going away for a night so will i. She now says that she feels that i am punishing her by doing this, she has finally made fiends and while she didnt say i was spoiling it on it was was the impression i got. I think this is mean and she is trying to manipulate me.

god, this reads like a first teenage relationship, tit for tat like someone mentioned already: if you do what you want I do what I want. He's accusing her of manipulating him but he's the one manipulating here.
I think it would be really important to hear the wife's side of the story in this case.
Anyway, probably one of the threads these days the OP is never coming back again.

It's not weird and if she is meeting people for drinks then it's perfectly normal to book a B&B when she doesn't live in Dublin.

Big Bag of Chips

All posters are reminded that Personal Issues is an advice forum. It always has been.

Thread locked to tidy up.

When it is reopened, offer advice to the OP or don't post.

Big Bag of Chips

OK, thread reopened after 53 over-and-back off-topic tit-for-tat posts deleted.

Bans and cards have been handed out to people who should by now know that Personal Issues is AN ADVICE FORUM.

Hypothetical arguments and petty disagreements between posters offer nothing constructive to the OP and just serve to derail threads looking for advice.

If anyone would like to advise the OP please read

- his opening post here

- and follow up post here

Offer advice based on what he has posted. Any further off topic posts will result in a minimum 1 week ban from the forum. Length of ban will depend on whether or not the poster has previously been banned from the PI/RI Forum.

frozenfrozen

Is she meeting up after playing pool where there's seriously limited reasons to befriend people other than loneliness vs an mmo with a mobile app like oldschool runescape which you could easily play for 4 hours a day talking to people and becoming friends you might meet up with?

Replace both games with any other applicable names to make the same point. Hope that's not off topic but if its a proper game then I wouldn't see it as anything to worry about if she wants to meet them?

dubstepper

I would be interested to know the context of some of the advice from people. I am in a similar situation to the poster in so far as I a married and have children. Most of the people I mix with are in the same boat. I have never heard of a married person flying to a different country to meet someone from the internet.

Are the people whom are talking about this being common talking from a married point of view or a single persons? I'm struggling to see how someone could see it as anything other than very unusual.

dubstepper

dubstepper wrote: »

I would be interested to know the context of some of the advice from people. I am in a similar situation to the poster in so far as I a married and have children. Most of the people I mix with are in the same boat. I have never heard of a married person flying to a different country to meet someone from the internet.

Are the people whom are talking about this being common talking from a married point of view or a single persons? I'm struggling to see how someone could see it as anything other than very unusual.

Would you find it unusual if your other half went away for a weekend or holiday with their friends?

Diceicle

OP -(if for some reason you're still reading this)

IMO - your wifes behaviour raises some red flags.
She's lonely (potentially vulnerable). Is isolating herself from you and family by investing her attention to her online community for 3+ hours a day.
You need to sit down and talk to her about your concerns - both from an attention perspective and from (if she wants to meet people from online) - a cost as well as safety perspective.
Gently push to come along to meet the couple in Dublin. Don't insist. If she is adament about going alone. Red Flag.
At the end of the day, you don't know its a couple. You're told its a couple. Could be a single guy she's developed an online affair with. It happens.
If she does go to meet someone, you need to decide whats next.
As i said, maybe its all fine, all innocent. Also, maybe not.

Hamachi

dubstepper wrote: »

Are the people whom are talking about this being common talking from a married point of view or a single persons? I'm struggling to see how someone could see it as anything other than very unusual.

This is crucial. OP, be careful whose advice you buy. Although well meaning, folks may have very different contexts and lives to you.

Personally, the Dublin trip wouldn’t bother me too much. However, making plans to meet an online friend on another continent is very unorthodox and would make me extremely uncomfortable.

ztoical

Hamachi wrote: »

This is crucial. OP, be careful whose advice you buy. Although well meaning, folks may have very different contexts and lives to you.

Personally, the Dublin trip wouldn’t bother me too much. However, making plans to meet an online friend on another continent is very unorthodox and would make me extremely uncomfortable.

The wife isn't Irish though which is something that seems to have been forgotten in this meandering thread. To someone whose lived their whole life in Ireland maybe it seems odd to travel to another country to meet people but she's already traveled to another country. Talking to people online may not seem so out of place to her if that is her main way of communicating with friends and family back home so she doesn't see it as 'strange' to make friends via something she may be use to communicating with people on.

Honestly we are getting no where. I agree everyone has very different contexts. I'm in a long term relationship and travel by myself a lot as does my partner both for work for hobbies. My best friend is married and travels to go to concerts without his wife and meets other fans and shares hotel rooms etc My cousin regularly goes to the UK to meet people who are into escape rooms and puzzle games, husband has no interest and hates flying. Only the last one has kids. Equally I've friends who barely left their county let alone the country. It's pointless to keep talking back and forth with no additional feedback from the OP.

What ever peoples opinions on the whole making friends online/traveling great distance to meet up, the OP and his wife clearly has communication issues within their marriage. They need to sit down and have an honest conversation. Is the wife happy in Ireland? We've no background other then she's lived her 15 years. Does she go home often? Has she family she misses? Has the locked down prevented her seeing them and that has pushed her into playing this game as a distraction? Did she move here to be with the OP or did they meet here? If she moved to be with him is that a factor in why she struggles to make friends? There is too much we don't know to passing judgment on the rights or wrongs of her or the OPs actions. They need to sit down and sort it out together. My only advice OP is don't be dismissive of her interest in this game, just because its something you don't like doesn't mean you should refer to it in a negative manor as she'll just get defensive and close down. Be open and listen.

ILoveYourVibes

OP the fact is your wife is an adult you can't do anything. And you have to realize that.

Do you support her hobbies etc? I Mean do you support her ..or do you just support what you like her doing?

Don't tell her she spends too much time on her hobbies ...tell her she spends too little time with you.

Is it slightly dangerous for her to meet people from anther country she doesn't know? Yes.

If i were you I would offer to go with her and offer to show the couple around.

It seems like you are isolating her ...you are not involved with her hobby ...tune into her more.

Dog day

ztoical wrote: »

The wife isn't Irish though which is something that seems to have been forgotten.

Hi ztoical, it hasn’t been forgotten & has been mentioned and contextualised a few times. Though I absolutely agree that the thread keeps losing its way. Keeping the OP top of mind in terms of practical advice is what’s needed. Clear & kind communication with what appears to be his lonely wife is what is sorely needed at this point & given the OP hasn’t returned (to my knowledge!) I’m really hopeful that this may have already happened.

"Some points already established -

"Online" friends are "real life" friends, and developing friendships with people online through shared interests, music, games, discussion boards, has been going on for a long time now. If people with shared interests who connect online eventually want to meet up in person its not weird. Its 2021 and the internet has been helping people make friends, even form relationships, for two decades now.

So Here's my advice to you.

Don't assume that your wife wanting to meet up with people she met online must be about sex, like some here seem to think! (rolls eyes). Not everything is about sex, or cheating.
Stop treating your wife like a child.
Don't ever make her "ask for permission" to invite friends to her own home, or to go on a night out with them. You're her husband, not her father. (Not talking about US trip here as obviously cost would have to be discussed).
Don't ever shame her again like you did by calling her "sad" or her behavior "bizarre"
Don't ever tell her that she embarrasses you. If you really believe that, that's your problem. Not hers. Don't put that on her.

If you want to be included on the invite, then don't be a dick about it! Don't put her in the position where she excludes you because she thinks you might embarrass her in front of her friends.

Don't play tit for tat games like "if you're going out, I'm going out" or try to use control tactics like being awkward over looking after your own children to try and shut her down.

If this really is "concern" rather than "control", then try being a bit more open minded and supportive and keep your reservations on how she made friends with these people to yourself, and she might be more inclined to include you when she meets them.

And finally, don't expect her to conduct her friendships on your terms.

You don't have to like her friends, and you certainly don't have the right to pick them for her.

eviltwin

bubblypop wrote: »

Would you find it unusual if your other half went away for a weekend or holiday with their friends?

She's never met them.

Most of my friends are people I first met online and we have had the usual weekends away but always after we had met and established a relationship IRL.

I'd at the very least be bringing someone with me when meeting a couple for the first time just to even out things a bit.

I'm sure this couple are fine and the OP is just being over cautious but there is a world of difference between a friend you have met and spent time with in person vs one you have only ever spoken to on via a computer or phone.

I can understand his concern.