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Not sure if I want childfree life or not

  • #1
    Registered Users Posts: 199 ✭✭ Happyhouse22


    Partner and I have been together 5 years.

    Prior to getting in to the relationship I probably wouldn’t have seen having children as my ideal future but was always open to considering it if I met the right person.

    When I met my girlfriend her view on the matter was that she probably would want children but not for the foreseeable future, I was happy with that and we went about our lives,

    I had a dream of visiting every country in the world when we met and she has really embraced this and is now fully part of the journey. Pre COVID we were nearly half way there and in late 2022 we plan on leavingg our jobs again and spending another 6-9 months on the road. We are both excited for this.

    Over time my partners views about having children has definitely changed (definitely influenced by me showing her the travelling lifestyle) and she is much less enthusiastic, she doesn’t rule it out but says it’s not for her now. Weirdly I have started to go in the other direction, I still think it would be inconvenient to my lifestyle and expensive and all that , but sometimes I still think I would like it . Sometimes I do think this is because I feel she doesn’t want children, and it’s almost a defence mechanism as maybe on some level I feel the decision is being taken away.
    .

    Now I’m starting to think when we return I would possibly like to have a child, my partner thinks she would consider it but she definitely doesn’t show too much enthusiasm.

    Anyway I guess my question is, how can you be sure you don’t want children? it’s easy if you are convinced you do or don’t but there must be lots of people who are really conflicted, the rational part of my brain says no but there is definitely some sort of emotional draw there ( I have always liked children in fairness and work in special education). And then Ben if I do figure out what I want for myself that’s only have the equation realistically!


Comments



  • Partner and I have been together 5 years.

    Prior to getting in to the relationship I probably wouldn’t have seen having children as my ideal future but was always open to considering it if I met the right person.

    When I met my girlfriend her view on the matter was that she probably would want children but not for the foreseeable future, I was happy with that and we went about our lives,

    I had a dream of visiting every country in the world when we met and she has really embraced this and is now fully part of the journey. Pre COVID we were nearly half way there and in late 2022 we plan on leavingg our jobs again and spending another 6-9 months on the road. We are both excited for this.

    Over time my partners views about having children has definitely changed (definitely influenced by me showing her the travelling lifestyle) and she is much less enthusiastic, she doesn’t rule it out but says it’s not for her now. Weirdly I have started to go in the other direction, I still think it would be inconvenient to my lifestyle and expensive and all that , but sometimes I still think I would like it . Sometimes I do think this is because I feel she doesn’t want children, and it’s almost a defence mechanism as maybe on some level I feel the decision is being taken away.
    .

    Now I’m starting to think when we return I would possibly like to have a child, my partner thinks she would consider it but she definitely doesn’t show too much enthusiasm.

    Anyway I guess my question is, how can you be sure you don’t want children? it’s easy if you are convinced you do or don’t but there must be lots of people who are really conflicted, the rational part of my brain says no but there is definitely some sort of emotional draw there ( I have always liked children in fairness and work in special education). And then Ben if I do figure out what I want for myself that’s only have the equation realistically!


    You're asking in a forum with an inherent bias the answer will inevitably be don't have children which may destroy your relationship with your girlfriend, her subsequent chances for a family if your relationship ends and her future partners chance for a family with her too.

    As a girl she has limited time
    You can see every country even with children it just may take longer.

    You may want children and she may too you may not want children in reality with each other. This is where the indecision stems from.




  • You're asking in a forum with an inherent bias the answer will inevitably be don't have children which may destroy your relationship with your girlfriend, her subsequent chances for a family if your relationship ends and her future partners chance for a family with her too.

    As a girl she has limited time
    You can see every country even with children it just may take longer.

    You may want children and she may too you may not want children in reality with each other. This is where the indecision stems from.

    The forum is Childfree by Choice not Childfree by Peer Pressure. The above analogy is also ridiculous. If I asked in the cycling forum if I should buy a bike when I haven't had one in 25 years because I hate cycling, people are going to ask "What the hell are you asking us for then?"
    Its the same as assuming that everyone who voted to repeal the 8th would never have children. This is not the anti-child forum.
    Why are people even posting here just to complain about imaginary censorship? You dress your replies up to this guy as actual comments on his situation but in reality it's just a dig at the forum itself.




  • I think for people who are sure they do or sure they don't it's a much more clear cut thing, and then there's a whole pile in between who are still on a spectrum ranging from 'probably not' to 'nearly sure I do want them'. I don't have an answer for you (sorry!) but in your situation perhaps a serious conversation will be needed at some point. It sounds like you're both maybes on it for now, and that can swing things either way, ending up not necessarily in the direction you or her want...or depending on your ages time can pass and the decision can be taken out of your hands. You sound like you don't quite believe her stance on things which is why I'd caution against going with the flow forever.





  • Anyway I guess my question is, how can you be sure you don’t want children? it’s easy if you are convinced you do or don’t but there must be lots of people who are really conflicted, the rational part of my brain says no but there is definitely some sort of emotional draw there ( I have always liked children in fairness and work in special education). And then Ben if I do figure out what I want for myself that’s only have the equation realistically!

    I suppose you have to choose whether to make a decision as an individual or as a couple first. It’s worth having a conversation with your partner - a frank, open one to discuss where you both stand in relation to the idea. Perhaps you’re both conflicted, but if she feels very strongly one way or another, that might guide your thoughts and feelings. Do you feel disappointed with her response or content with it? Would you be prepared to break up if your answers are different?

    Lots of people are ambivalent. I re-evaluate my feelings every so often to see if anything has changed, and I ask my husband to do that same. Feelings change!

    My best advice would be to really deeply and honestly reflect what on why you want a child. For me, if the answer isn’t along the lines of “I want a child because I know I could give a new person everything they need in life - emotionally, mentally, financially - for at least 18 years, and I am happy to put myself second to my children without hesitation” then that would tell *me* I only want a child for some idealistic or selfish reason. If the answer if something about yourself, eg “I want one because it would feel an emotional hole in me” or “just because I’m at the stage of life where everyone is having them and I don’t want to feel left out” or “I’m afraid of regretting it if I don’t have one”, then I think further thinking is needed because those are pretty weak reasons to create a whole new person.




  • Right now, it's something you're considering the idea of considering when you're back from your travels. It doesn't sound like you have any pressures to force you into a decision.

    Sometimes you can't be sure. I don't see any reason why you need to be sure right now. If I was you, I'd broach the idea of it with my partner occasionally to keep each other up-to-date on how we're feeling about it. When you're nearing the end of your travels, that's the time to start firming up about it.

    Just to put a caveat on the above: You don't mention any age-related pressure - if your girlfriend's in her late thirties, I'd see the decision/conversation as more urgent.

    As for myself, I was just always sure. So was my partner. We still speak about it now and again just to make sure we're on the same page. A lot of our friends have had/are having kids now so it's good just to make sure our feelings haven't changed.


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  • budgese wrote: »
    The forum is Childfree by Choice not Childfree by Peer Pressure. The above analogy is also ridiculous. If I asked in the cycling forum if I should buy a bike when I haven't had one in 25 years because I hate cycling, people are going to ask "What the hell are you asking us for then?"
    Its the same as assuming that everyone who voted to repeal the 8th would never have children. This is not the anti-child forum.
    Why are people even posting here just to complain about imaginary censorship? You dress your replies up to this guy as actual comments on his situation but in reality it's just a dig at the forum itself.

    Golly, too close to the bone ?

    Your analogy is ridiculous !, I'm referring to hard wired time limitations and that it is not equal between men and women. Men have a luxury of time women don't, this needs to be respected.

    You're making assumptions about something I didn't even refer too in any way, calm down.

    To address your point
    Childfree by choice is not anti-child in the general sense but is in the specific sense, to deny that would be ludicrous.




  • Golly, too close to the bone ?

    Your analogy is ridiculous !, I'm referring to hard wired time limitations and that it is not equal between men and women. Men have a luxury of time women don't, this needs to be respected.

    You're making assumptions about something I didn't even refer too in any way, calm down.

    To address your point
    Childfree by choice is not anti-child in the general sense but is in the specific sense, to deny that would be ludicrous.

    Take a chill pill and read your own rhetoric first.




  • I'm referring to hard wired time limitations and that it is not equal between men and women. Men have a luxury of time women don't, this needs to be respected.

    The OP is male and wants kids, his girlfriend doesn't seem too pushed.

    I don't see how your comment is relevant.


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