Anger at teens justified?

Hannaho · 20-05-2021 09:33PM #1

If you had children who wrecked the family home, i.e. throwing burning shorts and butts out of an attic window, burning holes in couches, damaging furniture, carpets, paintwork - friends and them writing on walls in the house -grafitti style, musical instruments, electrical goods, t.v.s, damaged having friends over when the parents away for 2 nights, coming back to sofas having been omitted on, having friends over and consistently allowing them to eat all the food, calling their mother a 'f....k...g psycho,' verbally abusing parents and threatening to call school work - given the number and never called, then finding that one of them hid drugs in your home for a sum of money, and your lives were threatened - all happened over 2 years, and if you now had to work over 60 hrs a week to pay for all this, would you be angry, but the kids don't accept that you have any reason to be angry, though one of them has apologised - what would you feel.

Smee_Again · 20-05-2021 09:38PM

Depending on their age I’d either kick them out or be counting down the days until I could kick them out.

So yeah, I’d be angry.

Hannaho · 20-05-2021 09:44PM

They are age 19 and 18 now. They can't see why there should be any anger from me. Refuse to talk about it. One moved out to a relative's house for safety. The other had to be sent to Boardings school for their safety - at a cost of 12k per year. The anger is still there for me. It destroyed our relationship. They still don't get why I am angry with them, and if I bring it up, refuse to talk to me for days/week. It feels as if they are not my children now - there is such a distance between us. How to move on?

leggo · 20-05-2021 11:11PM

It’s not very clear but just to clarify...am I right in saying here that both of your children have had to move out of the home for their safety yet you’re angry with them?

And you’re on here to be told your anger is justified?

After your children had to leave home?

For their own safety?

Do I have that right OP?

ILoveYourVibes · 21-05-2021 04:43AM

These kids are not dumb they know you have a right to be angry or whomever it is. I am not assuming its you personally.

But they are either gaslighting you or that person.

Hannaho · 21-05-2021 05:22AM

The teens had to move out of the house for their own safety as we were all threatened as one of them stored drugs in the house for a 'friend' - son got the sum of 50 euros for it apparently - but the Gardai were tipped off and raided the house. So the drug gang viewed whims losing the drugs - so there was a death threat on all of us - we got the moved out, but there was nowhere for us to go. These are not children who had nothing, but children who had lots if input, as well as family holidays, music lessons, trips to Gaelteacht etc. As a consequence of their actions, I am now working 65 hours per week - between the damage to the house over the last two 2.5 years and the drug debt - the total sum is 40k. I have some physical health issues, including and I find working 65 hours per week hugely difficult. son has apologised once, but daughter never, but I still feel angry - because I suppose I am still having to work such long hours, and will have to do so for another year- and because of my physical health, find this very difficult. When I say I feel down, and sad and angry re what happened, and I find it difficult to work so much to pay everything off, they get really annoyed if I say it face to face. If I say it by text, for instance, they never respond. They would never ask how I am, never show any care when I say it's a real struggle. I feel so resentful. Now my partner and I are thinking of selling our house, as everyone around us knows what happened, and we don't feel comfortable here anymore. It was out dream house - nothing fancy just nice semi-d, in nice location.

ILoveYourVibes · 21-05-2021 05:39AM

Hannaho wrote: »

The teens had to move out of the house for their own safety as we were all threatened as one of them stored drugs in the house for a 'friend' - son got the sum of 50 euros for it apparently - but the Gardai were tipped off and raided the house. So the drug gang viewed whims losing the drugs - so there was a death threat on all of us - we got the moved out, but there was nowhere for us to go. These are not children who had nothing, but children who had lots if input, as well as family holidays, music lessons, trips to Gaelteacht etc. As a consequence of their actions, I am now working 65 hours per week - between the damage to the house over the last two 2.5 years and the drug debt - the total sum is 40k. I have some physical health issues, including and I find working 65 hours per week hugely difficult. son has apologised once, but daughter never, but I still feel angry - because I suppose I am still having to work such long hours, and will have to do so for another year- and because of my physical health, find this very difficult. When I say I feel down, and sad and angry re what happened, and I find it difficult to work so much to pay everything off, they get really annoyed if I say it face to face. If I say it by text, for instance, they never respond. They would never ask how I am, never show any care when I say it's a real struggle. I feel so resentful. Now my partner and I are thinking of selling our house, as everyone around us knows what happened, and we don't feel comfortable here anymore. It was out dream house - nothing fancy just nice semi-d, in nice location.

I don't know what to say.

Your children sound ..spoiled and quite frankly just not very nice people.

However they are still young and have time to turn things around.

I think you are right to be angry. I think also they need to contribute financially to the dept.

Them getting angry at you etc. Its pure gaslighting.

You have been accepting of ****ty treatment for so long they just want you to keep accepting it. That is not good for them OR you.

They have gotten themselves into a HEAP load of trouble with people threatening them and I presume the guards now aware of them.

They clearly are not cut out for being career criminals.

I think its time you talked to them about making something of themselves. Getting jobs etc or education and staying out of trouble.

And they should contribute something to you. Even if its only small.

This new discipline style is going to be not well received ...as they seem to call their mother rude names etc.

OP you have been living with abusers.

Captain Red Beard · 21-05-2021 05:40AM

Hannaho wrote: »

The teens had to move out of the house for their own safety as we were all threatened as one of them stored drugs in the house for a 'friend' - son got the sum of 50 euros for it apparently - but the Gardai were tipped off and raided the house. So the drug gang viewed whims losing the drugs - so there was a death threat on all of us - we got the moved out, but there was nowhere for us to go. These are not children who had nothing, but children who had lots if input, as well as family holidays, music lessons, trips to Gaelteacht etc. As a consequence of their actions, I am now working 65 hours per week - between the damage to the house over the last two 2.5 years and the drug debt - the total sum is 40k. I have some physical health issues, including and I find working 65 hours per week hugely difficult. son has apologised once, but daughter never, but I still feel angry - because I suppose I am still having to work such long hours, and will have to do so for another year- and because of my physical health, find this very difficult. When I say I feel down, and sad and angry re what happened, and I find it difficult to work so much to pay everything off, they get really annoyed if I say it face to face. If I say it by text, for instance, they never respond. They would never ask how I am, never show any care when I say it's a real struggle. I feel so resentful. Now my partner and I are thinking of selling our house, as everyone around us knows what happened, and we don't feel comfortable here anymore. It was out dream house - nothing fancy just nice semi-d, in nice location.

Cut all ties with them.

Oranage2 · 21-05-2021 05:54AM

How come you let their friends over? What age did they start all this? Did you try and stop it?

Of course you can be angry at them but there's probably some blame to be put on yourself too.

Sell the house and move on with your live, are your kids still going down this life of crime? They're adults now they should be paying back their own debts.

ILoveYourVibes · 21-05-2021 05:57AM

Oranage2 wrote: »

How come you let their friends over? What age did they start all this? Did you try and stop it?

Of course you can be angry at them but there's probably some blame to be put on yourself too.

Sell the house and move on with your live, are your kids still going down this life of crime? They're adults now they should be paying back their own debts.

If it occurred when they were minors the adults in charge of them are responsible. Sadly.

Since the youngest is like 18 ..then i presume much of this happened when they were young.

PalLimerick · 21-05-2021 05:58AM

Captain Red Beard wrote: »

Cut all ties with them.

Whatever you do, don't do that! There is a high chance they will end up addicted to some substance.

FromADistance · 21-05-2021 05:59AM

Hannaho wrote: »

They are age 19 and 18 now. They can't see why there should be any anger from me. Refuse to talk about it. One moved out to a relative's house for safety. The other had to be sent to Boardings school for their safety - at a cost of 12k per year. The anger is still there for me. It destroyed our relationship. They still don't get why I am angry with them, and if I bring it up, refuse to talk to me for days/week. It feels as if they are not my children now - there is such a distance between us. How to move on?

Where is your partner in all this? Because if there isn't a united front, that could be taken as a sign of weakness. Your daughter obviously has no respect for ye if she hasn't yet apologised for her actions. At least your son has apologised but is obviously still not remorseful / mature enough to completely see the hardship he has caused.

Personally, it any of what you describe happened to us, the children would be kicked out the door so fast that their arses wouldn't have time to hit the ground.

21-05-2021 06:10AM

You cannot cut all ties with them because they are your children plus still relatively young. You have to finish your duty to them eg in terms of financing school etc.

But they have been absolute pr1cks and you are totally justified in feeling anger towards them. You may love them as a father / mother but not particularly like them as human beings.

They are still fully in the throes of being that age where they are just old enough to do real damage but not quite old enough to truly realise what absolute pr1cks they are. They also have the infinite energy of youth to fuel them so you will not win any battles with them. Disengage. Even if it means complete silence.

Your neighbours may know what has happened but I would say many that have two brain cells to rub together would feel sympathy for you rather than judgement. A kid (or two) in with the wrong crowd and going off the rails can happen to anyone.

You are probably really exhausted. Make sure you eat well and get enough sleep.

While you may feel righteous anger, don't cultivate it. It will tire you more. Try to adopt a macro perspective, looking at life philosophically from far out and over a longer timespan. This crap has a set time. It started and it will eventually be over. Do not let it poison your whole life.

I guess I am saying isolate the poison. Anger maintained actively will harm you. If you can, gradually let it die from lack of feeding it.
Find some peace. Some joy. Some outlet for novel and stimulating expansion after this sh1tty time of trauma. Take up something new, fishing, photography, whatever, something different to turn your mind towards. Even walks with your spouse by the sea or in the woods.

Do what has to be done in terms of wrapping up the debts. Just slog on through. One foot in front of the other until the journey is done. It can and will be done in time and it too will pass. People have suffering, many would you believe have much worse than you, and compassion for that fact may help you get perspective.

Maybe selling up and moving is not all bad, a fresh start, where memories are not troubled? But it is not necessary to worry about the neighbours or to do it because of them. Everyone has their dose of troubles. You can also reclaim your home from the destruction and memories if you want.

Hopefully the kids will come good. But it may take a few years. It is up to them now. When they finish school they can get their own place. You don't need to have them live with you. Let them sort their heads out on their own turf.

Good luck. Mind yourself.

Hannaho · 21-05-2021 06:14AM

My partner has been with me since the children were toddlers, but is not their dad, though he has done a lot of parenting. Re when all these issues started - it started about age 14. Someone said about adults being responsible for what the children did at this age, but no matter how many times, we addressed the issues, when were at work, they would bring friends in, smoke in the house, leave cigatte butts everyday, let their friends eat all our food, damage fruniture, carpets etc. and then refuse to clean up. The issues were addressed so many times, but we had to work also, and neither of us could stay at home. We would be home by 5.30/6 in the evening, but if they were home from school, they would have friends in the house for the two hours before we came home, or if they were on a half day, they would have friends over -no amount of talking, giving out, worked. As he is my son, I am now paying boarding school fees for his last two years at school at 12k per year, as he wasn't able to return to the area we live in, and relatives could not keep him for the whole year. It's crippling financially, though he is doing well now academically. They do both have jobs now, but when I feel sad, and down, and am really struggling physically to work long hours - when I mention this, they never show any concern, never ask how I am, what can they do to help, but just refuse to contact me or my partner for days, sometimes weeks.

21-05-2021 06:20AM

Hannaho wrote: »

My partner has been with me since the children were toddlers, but is not their dad, though he has done a lot of parenting. Re when all these issues started - it started about age 14. Someone said about adults being responsible for what the children did at this age, but no matter how many times, we addressed the issues, when were at work, they would bring friends in, smoke in the house, leave cigatte butts everyday, let their friends eat all our food, damage fruniture, carpets etc. and then refuse to clean up. The issues were addressed so many times, but we had to work also, and neither of us could stay at home. We would be home by 5.30/6 in the evening, but if they were home from school, they would have friends in the house for the two hours before we came home, or if they were on a half day, they would have friends over -no amount of talking, giving out, worked. As he is my son, I am now paying boarding school fees for his last two years at school at 12k per year, as he wasn't able to return to the area we live in, and relatives could not keep him for the whole year. It's crippling financially, though he is doing well now academically. They do both have jobs now, but when I feel sad, and down, and am really struggling physically to work long hours - when I mention this, they never show any concern, never ask how I am, what can they do to help, but just refuse to contact me or my partner for days, sometimes weeks.

To be honest there are a lot of bright sides.
One has said sorry.
One is doing well academically.
Both have jobs.
You have a plan and its working.
You have a limit to the time you need to slog on.
Do not expect them to be responsive just now, they are at maximum nastiness age.
Just withdraw from.battle, its done. More fighting, more looking for apologies, more trauma is the most wearing on you.

Oranage2 · 21-05-2021 06:22AM

Well it's definitely too late to say you should have done this or that. Why are you angry at your daughter? She definitely did wrong but it doesn't seem she was too bad.

Your son on the other hand got you a 40k drug debt and a 24k private school bill. You said he was working, can you tell him your heath is bad and you need him to hand up some money?

Hannaho · 21-05-2021 06:27AM

Thanks, Isha, that's very good advice and very helpful. To the others re my son handing up money from what he earns - he buys his own clothes now, and funds himself out with friends, so I don't take money from him. It's the 1000 per month for school fees that I work overtime to pay for, that I find so difficult. My job is stressful and I don't have very good physical health. I have ten more payments to make and then I'm finished with it, but it's just exhausting. I would like if he just asked how I was etc. showed concern in that direction, rather than getting angry when I say I am still finding it all so difficult.

ILoveYourVibes · 21-05-2021 06:32AM

isha wrote: »

Just withdraw from.battle, its done. More fighting, more looking for apologies, more trauma is the most wearing on you.

I respectfully disagree.

The work is what is wearing on her and being taken for granted.

I am starting to put a picture together. The partner perhaps not being their real dad didn't feel he could discipline them.

And perhaps they feel they can away with stuff with their mom.

They don't respect her.

OP ....if i were you this is what I would do.

I would not be paying any school fees unless my children respected me.

And if they didn't. I would let them see what the real world was like. On their own.

I wouldn't tolerate one more insult.

IMO they would start showing respect rather than walk the streets.

I would pay their schools fees etc so long as they treat me like a parent. If not ...they are obviously big and bad enough to go it alone.

They need to respect what you give to them.

People seem to think that the 18 yr old is the biggest concern ....over everyone else ....

When i was 18 i didn't think MY falling into trouble should be the very issue that totally dominated my family. And that everyone needed to bend over backwards to prevent that. I NEEDED to prevent that.

I knew my parents were not going to work overtime to stop me falling into crime. So ...i didn't.

OP your needs are as important as your kid's.

Oranage2 · 21-05-2021 06:32AM

Anyway you sound like a superhero, your kids will eventually mature but who knows when, you seem to be killing yourself to turn your kids lives around. They definitely don't realize what a super-parent you are. I've seen so many cases like this when the daughter has a teen pregnancy and lives of welfare and the son ends up with a drug addiction.

21-05-2021 06:32AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

If it occurred when they were minors the adults in charge of them are responsible. Sadly.

Since the youngest is like 18 ..then i presume much of this happened when they were young.

The adults are absolutely not responsible. Neither in law or general life.

OP, teenagers are assholes, don't expect them to be sorry or ever say anything about it until they are, late twenties anyway.
If you would be happy to sell up and buy elsewhere, that's what I would do. They are 'adults' now, you look after you and your relationship

21-05-2021 06:36AM

leggo wrote: »

It’s not very clear but just to clarify...am I right in saying here that both of your children have had to move out of the home for their safety yet you’re angry with them?

And you’re on here to be told your anger is justified?

After your children had to leave home?

For their own safety?

Do I have that right OP?

All brought on by their own actions. Of course the parent is justified in feeling anger about what the kids did!

ILoveYourVibes · 21-05-2021 06:36AM

bubblypop wrote: »

The adults are absolutely not responsible. Neither in law or general life.

OP, teenagers are assholes, don't expect them to be sorry or ever say anything about it until they are, late twenties anyway.
If you would be happy to sell up and buy elsewhere, that's what I would do. They are 'adults' now, you look after you and your relationship

No ..i mean legally for any debt they are.

I know she is not responsible for their actions. But for any legal fines ..debts etc. They are responsible.

21-05-2021 06:37AM

Hannaho wrote: »

Thanks, Isha, that's very good advice and very helpful. To the others re my son handing up money from what he earns - he buys his own clothes now, and funds himself out with friends, so I don't take money from him. It's the 1000 per month for school fees that I work overtime to pay for, that I find so difficult. My job is stressful and I don't have very good physical health. I have ten more payments to make and then I'm finished with it, but it's just exhausting. I would like if he just asked how I was etc. showed concern in that direction, rather than getting angry when I say I am still finding it all so difficult.

He may be angry out of shame.

Turn away from trying to get reasons, apologies, support, understanding from the kids. It might take years til they are wise enough to see reality.

You have a plan. You can keep going. You have done extremely well to form a plan and to execute it. Some, probably many, would have gone under, but you gathered energy, hit out and started to swim for shore.

Shore is in sight now, you are tired, thats understandable, but you can keep going. Address your tiredness and look after your health more by focussing on you, loving yourself.

You have done phenomenally well to overcome the threats and the debts. The burnholes and details of their truancies etc are just flotsam, seaweed. Don't get entangled now in the bitter minutae of the past. Keep going for shore. You have a lot of unusual strength.

ILoveYourVibes · 21-05-2021 06:37AM

bubblypop wrote: »

All brought on by their own actions. Of course the parent is justified in feeling anger about what the kids did!

And pretty EXTREME actions.

21-05-2021 06:38AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

No ..i mean legally for any debt they are.

I know she is not responsible for their actions. But for any legal fines ..debts etc. They are responsible.

No they are not.
Don't give legal advise, you don't know what you are taking about!

Particularly, debts to drug dealers? Are you actually serious???

ILoveYourVibes · 21-05-2021 06:38AM

isha wrote: »

You have a lot of unusual strength.

I don't call that strength. I call it being a walk over.

OP there is a difference in being strong and just taking abuse from people even your own kids.

ILoveYourVibes · 21-05-2021 06:39AM

bubblypop wrote: »

No they are not.
Don't give legal advise, you don't know what you are taking about!

Particularly, debts to drug dealers? Are you actually serious???

I thought it was from the damage to the house etc? And fines from the guards?

21-05-2021 06:40AM

OP I admire your strength. You are not a walk over.

Keep going and mind yourself.

21-05-2021 06:42AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I thought it was from the damage to the house etc? And fines from the guards?

No.
And guards don't give fines to teenagers for damage.
You really shouldn't be giving advise about things you clearly don't understand

ILoveYourVibes · 21-05-2021 06:42AM

bubblypop wrote: »

No they are not.
Don't give legal advise, you don't know what you are taking about!

Particularly, debts to drug dealers? Are you actually serious???

With regards to debts to drug dealers.

I think the OP needs advice from the guards.

I thought she was talking about the house damage etc. And the school fees.

Imo OP the dealers want you to accept this is your life and just keep paying and more importantly to keep you talking to the police ...to control you.

I would doubt this will be the end of it when you pay up.

And for the safety of your other child ... i would cut your son off.

21-05-2021 06:53AM

There is a very big difference between people who advise about raising teens who have actually done it and those who have not. Raising children is a very complex matter and involves primal emotions which cannot be explained easily in normal behavioural expectations.

I have 3 adults raised. None gave major trouble though the oldest brought me to my knees by times with his confrontational behaviour. Still now he would be the first to charge through hell to help me as an adult. It takes time for some people to mature.

Sometimes the last people children appreciate will be those who have sacrificed most for them.
And, unfashionable as it may sound, and though it may be framed by the inexperienced with words like door mat etc, parenthood involves sacrifice. It always has, it always will. I would literally give my life if it could save one of my children - these are not casual relationships with ordinary transactional rules. We sacrifice ourselves for our children in a primal exchange that has been going on for all of human history.

Anger at teens justified?

Comments