Mean

Jequ0n · 11-05-2021 02:01PM

So his unwillingness to contribute has never been a discussion point before? A mature student could never find a part time job and this has been accepted by everyone around him until now?
I’m finding it a bit hard to believe that everything was rosy until now

HGVRHKYY · 11-05-2021 02:02PM

Sallysad wrote: »

Op here and thanks to all posters. I read each one and thank you. I’ll address what people asked. Firstly it is easy to say leave him etc but up until this point I was extremely happy with him. This is a side I never saw because he never had a job or money in the whole time I knew him. I did plan to stay with this man and we always spoke about our plans for children etc. We are both 32.
I explained he’s from another country because that’s the reason he moved into my family home. He isn’t using me for a visa or anything. We have lived rent and bill free apart from paying for our own groceries and I contribute 100 a week just. My parents have been very kind. What shocked me is that he spoke differently. I paid for all his food and his nights out pre pandemic and cigarettes and in fact I used more of my money for him than for myself. When I met him I had some savings built up which I used to pay for his college course. At the time I was a little sad to see all my savings used but he said to me “it’s for US for OUR FUTURE” and said it would make our future better which I agree. But now he is completely the opposite and doesn’t even buy me a cup of coffee. He has been working for 6 months so it’s not like I jumped at his money straight away. I waited and when he never offered to pay anything I said something a few weeks ago. I found myself in debt and saw his bank balance and found it unfair. I don’t buy anything fancy for myself I just pay my bills for the car and food etc. But he doesn’t think to pay half of the 100 I pay. He just about pays for his own food. If I’m in the shops I’ll buy for him but when he’s in the shops he’ll moan about spending a lot less than I did. I find his stinginess a real turn off. I am attracted to him and he ticks all the other boxes. Can someone have everything going for them? Can I let this slide? I don’t know. The annoying part is that I didn’t count all I spent on him, I wish I could charge him now if he’s going to be so stingy with his money. He forgets all I did for him. I should add that he has no idea of the price of things. He moans about everything being so expensive but that’s what they cost- he still compares to his own currency from where he’s from but he gets paid a lot more than he would where he’s from so it balances out. He’s so money minded and I’m not. It’s not the money that bothers me most but the uncaring nature of it. Before 6 months ago, he had no income at all to answer a poster.

My God, this guy is genuine scum. He's been working half a year and saving loads and doesn't even contribute towards your parents who are putting him up? I actually feel embarrassed for him, and I'd imagine your poor parents must have it in the back of their minds as well that this long-term guest they've been so nice enough to allow stay in their home doesn't even do the most basic mannerly thing of chipping in even a measly €50 a week. You paid for his course which has definitely contributed towards his earning power and instead of spoiling you and paying you back for all of that, he lets you pay your parents rent for BOTH of you and for the groceries as well?

Seriously, you owe it to yourself and him to give him a harsh wake up call, take a few days to mentally prepare for it but this lad has to be kicked out with a moments notice. Tell him pack his stuff and get out on the same day, he genuinely needs to be shown the reality to realise how much of a tight **** he's been, wait until he sees how crazy rent is here

Hannibal_Smith · 11-05-2021 02:05PM

When I met him I had some savings built up which I used to pay for his college course. At the time I was a little sad to see all my savings used but he said to me “it’s for US for OUR FUTURE” and said it would make our future better which I agree. But now he is completely the opposite and doesn’t even buy me a cup of coffee.

He's used all your savings on top of everything else? He's bled you dry. He hasn't even offered to pay you back for the college fees you paid for him? True, not everyone has it all, but there's having the odd flaw and there's taking advantage and thats what he's done. You've never seen this side to him before because he was happy as larry leeching off you. But if the tables were turned he wouldn't do the same for you and he's told you and shown you that. If your friend was telling you this, what would you tell them to do?

Goodigal · 11-05-2021 02:06PM

I feel really sorry for you OP. You sound like you love the guy, but this is a deal breaker. You gave him your savings to further his education and he cannot buy you a cup of coffee??!! Seriously, you both need to sit down and discuss how this is making you feel, because it's not something you can brush under the carpet. It will eat away at you now that you have noticed how he is since he started earning. And as others have said, it's a horrible trait that can't just be ignored.

Dial Hard · 11-05-2021 02:08PM

Just to add, the fact that he was willing to move to another country without a penny to his name, to live off the goodwill of others seemingly indefinitely also speaks volumes about his personality. Literally nobody I know would ever dream of relocating without a decent chunk of savings and an actual plan for how they'd support themselves when they got there. "Taking advantage of my girlfriend and her parents' generosity for as long as I can" is not the thought process of a well-rounded, fully-functioning adult.

May I ask how you guys met and how long you were together before he moved over?

punisher5112 · 11-05-2021 02:09PM

Don't give him any warning it's over, kick him out let him grow up and find his own place to live, he has used you big time op.

Your parents are too soft too, very surprised they e let this carry on unless op you told them he was contributing.

Jequ0n · 11-05-2021 02:11PM

Goodigal wrote: »

Seriously, you both need to sit down and discuss how this is making you feel, because it's not something you can brush under the carpet.

He knows how it makes her feel but doesn’t care. He has zero incentive to change anything because he has been getting away with everything. Why change if there are no consequences?

HGVRHKYY · 11-05-2021 02:18PM

Dial Hard wrote: »

Just to add, the fact that he was willing to move to another country without a penny to his name, to live off the goodwill of others seemingly indefinitely also speaks volumes about his personality. Literally nobody I know would ever dream of relocating without a decent chunk of savings and an actual plan for how they'd support themselves when they got there. "Taking advantage of my girlfriend and her parents' generosity for as long as I can" is not the thought process of a well-rounded, fully-functioning adult.

May I ask how you guys met and how long you were together before he moved over?

Yeah, absolutely shameless. I'd feel like an absolute loser and a leech in that situation. Fair enough your partner's helping you out, you'd appreciate that and aim to make it up to them when you can, but to happily sponge off your partner's parents as well and not instantly start paying your way as soon as you start working? Shocking that people this ignorant exist

mohawk · 11-05-2021 02:18PM

OP my ex is a pure stingy person and it doesn’t get any better. Mean people are mean with more then just money. They never consider or value what you bring to the relationship be it money or other things, however are well able to remember everything they have ever done or paid for.
And if you ever have children with a mean person it gets worse.
If you were happy up until now I can see why your reluctant to give up on the relationship just yet. Your boyfriend has told you who he is and he won’t change so bear that in mind.
Best of luck OP.

11-05-2021 03:04PM

I wish I hadn't read this because it has me absolutely raging.

You need to drop him, immediately. This is a horrible betrayal. He is not a good person. Don't get lumped with him.

And you must have always known this about him in some way - you must be honest with yourself. I've been poor at times myself, and my partner has been too, and in those times we've been as generous as we could in other ways. Think back and ask yourself how has he treated you?

I am so disgusted with him and hope you can muster the strength to end it and kick him out, today.

Neyite · 11-05-2021 03:27PM

I paid for all his food and his nights out pre pandemic and cigarettes and in fact I used more of my money for him than for myself.

When I met him I had some savings built up which I used to pay for his college course. At the time I was a little sad to see all my savings used but he said to me “it’s for US for OUR FUTURE” and said it would make our future better which I agree. But now he is completely the opposite and doesn’t even buy me a cup of coffee.

He has been working for 6 months so it’s not like I jumped at his money straight away. I waited and when he never offered to pay anything I said something a few weeks ago. I found myself in debt and saw his bank balance and found it unfair.

These three statements say it all really. You've paid for his course, you fed him and kept him in cigarettes, your parents let him live rent free in their home. You went from having savings to being in debt meanwhile he's had 6 months of salary that he's paid NO household expenses or even bought you food out of. This isn't one single lapse in behaviour - this is a pattern that's inherent in him.

This is a man who would buy a chipper dinner for himself and leave you and the kids with beans on toast. He will happily spend all you have, to the last penny, and when you are on your knees in poverty and on the verge of getting your electricity cut off, would spend his own money without blinking on luxury items for himself then turn around to blame you for your poor housekeeping skills when the power gets disconnected.

He was nice and pleasant to you and perfect mate material up until you needed something from him. After three years of you giving him everything you had. Think about that. Think about what you would say to your friend who's partner did that to her.

I don't believe he will change - I've actually never seen a stinge or freeloader do that, they just move on to their next mark. And I fully believe that when someone shows you who they are, you should pay attention.

If you do kick him out, be prepared for a raft of promises and him begging you to change your mind because you and your parents are seriously saving him a fortune. But remember those promises will likely remain empty ones - so while you'd probably be tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt, unless you physically see real change, and a genuine willingness to change behaviour, they are promises anyone can make. And if he's resentful or sulky, it's another indicator that it's generosity that won't last.

MissShihTzu · 11-05-2021 05:28PM

May I also ask, OP? I see you used your savings to pay for your partner's college course. Did he offer to pay you back? Did YOU ask for the money back? If not, why not?

robindch · 11-05-2021 05:49PM

Sallysad wrote: »

At the time I was a little sad to see all my savings used but he said to me “it’s for US for OUR FUTURE” and said it would make our future better which I agree. But now he is completely the opposite and doesn’t even buy me a cup of coffee.

I'm a bit speechless at this - you helped him, and now when the shoe's on the other foot, he won't help you? That's not a partnership, that's essentially theft. It doesn't help that a lot of partners don't speak about money and even fewer make written agreements. But what, for example, do you think is going to happen if you have kids and you're at home looking after them and he's earning? Will he suddenly become generous?

As others have said, nobody needs this kind of person in their lives and you should should ask him to leave, pronto, no options, return keys, bags on street if necessary.

Be prepared for a string of "Oh, I didn't know you took money so seriously" guilt-trips and don't listen to any of them. Ignore the "Oh, it'll be different when we are married/have kids" too. Having been in a faintly similar situation myself - I can confidently agree that it will be different - it will be far worse and you will be trapped.

Meeoow · 11-05-2021 07:16PM

Did he get a grant, I wouldn't be surprised if he did, and didn't let onto you. He is beyond stingy. Stingy is tight with money, but he is sponging off you too.
I'm sorry that you were robbed.
I've loaned out my hard earned cash and didn't get paid back, so I know how frustrating it is. But I learned, and now I just let on I don't have money if anyone asks.

leggo · 11-05-2021 08:08PM

OP, wow. That update was shocking and I’m so sorry you went through this.

If I were you then I’d read back your most recent post a few times with the perspective of “What if my best friend told me all this” then see if you still feel your relationship is what you thought it was. This is not a nice person. This is a person who’s taken advantage of you in a major, major way. You need to pack his bags and see him out immediately.

I know it seems crazy to think when you were happy a while back but OP...this is why people don’t marry each other after good first dates. We date and go through things with people because, given enough time, they reveal themselves beyond that superficial charm and niceness they can fake. It’s stuff like this that shows you exactly who a person is*. That’s what has happened here when you pulled on the ‘money’ thread and he unravelled to reveal himself as an absolute scummy knob.

Trust me, get rid now. For as much as it’ll hurt, when that wears off and you get perspective then you’ll forever look back and be proud you did as soon as this guy revealed what he really was.

*I feel I should add that if time and challenges like this show who a person really is, then how you’ve carried yourself reflects REALLY well on you: you’re kind, generous, supportive, non-judgemental, committed...Give those great qualities to someone who deserves them and would do the same for you OP. You deserve it.

Big Bag of Chips · 11-05-2021 08:08PM

Who he is, is who he is. It doesn't matter if he ticks all the other boxes. Could you realistically live another 40-50 years of your life like this?

Are you going to stay living together in your parents' house forever? Have you any desire to move into your own home? Can you see him being eager to have to move out, pay rent or a mortgage?

32 is so young, OP. You're only 10-12 years into your adult life. You have another 50 maybe to go. Don't stay put simply because you've already invested time (and a whole lot of money) into him. He will bleed you dry and leave you sad and bitter.

Don't give him the chance.

StevenToast · 11-05-2021 08:12PM

Dump him.....

Rubberchikken · 11-05-2021 08:48PM

Mean people never change. It has to be one if the worse traits anyone ever suffers from imho.

My nephew went through something similar with an ex. She bled him dry. Money for a degree course. Money for a masters. Holidays etc. Then when the masters was complete, she walked away. Not as much as a backward glance.

Said a lot about her tbh.

Look after yourself Op.

LimeFruitGum · 11-05-2021 09:19PM

I can never get my head around people who move into someone’s house and take the financial pish for years. They’re users.

Did he at least help around the house? What exactly does he bring to the relationship, to the household?

If you don’t mind me asking, why did you pay for his course? Did you offer, did he ask, or was he dropping hints about this amazing course that he could not afford? Did he agree to pay you back? Is he sending money back home (or some other financial commitment) and doesn’t have much disposable income left over? He may just be pure scabby now that he’s got a few bob in his pocket, and it’s gone to his head.

fineso.mom · 11-05-2021 09:26PM

Agreeing with everyone here who says he will not change. I have an older friend who told me how, on honeymoon with her ex husband, he ordered a curry and asked for two forks. Tgey were married dor twenty years before she finally left him. In that time he had numerous jobs, some very well paying but she rarely saw any of it. She worked throughout the marriage other than when she had a few months off after having children. She paid all the bills, did all the housework, decorating, gardening. He paid for the car, which he grudgingly allowed her use now and again. He went on week long fishing trips and other breaks, which he paid for, but any family holidays, she had to save for. When they divorced, he left his most recent job, went on the dole and was ordered to pay something like 20pounds a week maintenance. He never paid a penny. She tried to keep a relationship for the children's sake but as they got older they saw him for what he was and have zero contact now that they are adults.
He was a petty, mean and vindictive person whose only priority was himself. Even his own elderly mother avoids him.
She has said so may times, if love hadn't blinded her to the meaness her life would have been so different.

Purple Mountain · 12-05-2021 01:15AM

I'm really angry having read your posts OP. He is a leech, a sorry excuse for a man.
Also, and I'm not going to mince my words here, but I think you were highly unfair to allow this man to scrounge off your parents good will for so long. Are you not embarrassed to allow this man child take advantage of your own family?
He's taking both you and them for a ride.
I assume your parents don't know that he's not contributing financially and you're covering for him?
Otherwise, why would they turn a blind eye to this miser too?
It's not just that he is mean, as per your thread title, he's using you and your family and I'd not be surprised that now he's getting on his feet financially and drained you, if he's going to leave you shortly.
Sorry OP, but I'm just calling a spade a spade.

leggo · 12-05-2021 05:25AM

It l’s definitely is a possibility worth flagging: now that he may sense his bill is coming due, he may walk and look for another mark. It’s not as if he cares that much...he’s pushed you to debt on his behalf and barely blinks at that, he probably isn’t even able to care about anyone but himself. So another reason to be proactive OP. Users like him will just ditch people once they see them as having fulfilled their usefulness and they ask for anything in return.

JeffKenna · 12-05-2021 05:46AM

I'm really sorry OP but you've been used. You need to kick him out of your parents house ASAP, give the ****er a dose of reality.

BingCrosbee · 12-05-2021 06:29AM

Meanness is a horrible trait and mean people never change. I had a mean friend once who turned into a mean husband and he spends nothing and they go no where.

TrangiaCoffee · 12-05-2021 06:37AM

beertons wrote: »

Do you pay rent at home?

Think this is an important question, and has he lived with your parents for 3 years?

He could take a case for unlawful eviction due to restrictions.

hurleronditch · 12-05-2021 06:48AM

TrangiaCoffee wrote: »

Think this is an important question, and has he lived with your parents for 3 years?

He could take a case for unlawful eviction due to restrictions.

Those restrictions have ceased. She can kick him out by lunchtime if she wishes. And she should in my book.

At least suggest a formal split of money, state that now you guys have two incomes you want to give your parents more money and that he should contribute, and then suggest maybe you guys set up a joint deposit account for a house/holiday/car etc. If he flips out and completely balks at what is a completely normal next step in a relationship for people in their 30s.

Have all of your points made out and rehearsed in your head before you begin the discussion.

Tork · 12-05-2021 09:20AM

OP are you somebody who didn't have many boyfriends or long term relationships before this man came along? If you're almost grateful that somebody picked you and have self esteem issues, you're ripe for the picking. I bet the thoughts of being single again at your age terrify you. You believe deep down that if you end this relationship, you'll end your days as an old lady living alone with cats.

tjc28 · 12-05-2021 09:34AM

Tork wrote: »

OP are you somebody who didn't have many boyfriends or long term relationships before this man came along? If you're almost grateful that somebody picked you and have self esteem issues, you're ripe for the picking. I bet the thoughts of being single again at your age terrify you. You believe deep down that if you end this relationship, you'll end your days as an old lady living alone with cats.

what a vile reply. you need to get a grip. the OP has posted here looking for advice, not this drivel. OP, ignore this fool

shesty · 12-05-2021 09:35AM

Well if you've discussed children OP, let me put it this way.

If you had 2 small kids, and childcare expenses were high, and the decision was made that you would stay at home and he would work - how do you think that would work out? Do you think he would be controlling the flow of money into the house, given that it is his paycheque? Would he give you money? Would you have to go begging him for money every time you needed a haircut, or to fill the car with petrol, or to buy more bread, or the kids needed new underwear or coats? Do you think he would as generously give you what you need, as you gave him?

Just think about that, and it should tell you everything about the future of this.

Purple Mountain · 12-05-2021 10:04AM

^to add.. if you're out on maternity leave depending on your social welfare entitlements, is he going to begrudge your temporary drop in wages while you stay home and raise his baby?
You ask in your original post, OP, if you can overlook this side of him if everything else is great?
Well, is everything else really great when he has this fundamental flaw that will eat into every aspect of your lives?
Just a few points to consider..
You've both saved a significant amount giving your parents just €100 per week for 2 adults.
Has he said anything about applying for a mortgage now with these savings? After 3 years, you both should have some long term living plans?
How would you feel about potential children seeing this mean side of him?
How do you feel about your partner not having any qualms about letting you pay just €100 per week to your parents to keep you both in accommodation? Do you think this is acceptable that an adult man, who is now earning twice your wage on the back of being supported by you and your parents, hadn't turned around with a lump sum to you all as way of compensation and gratitude?
What would you tell your sister in this situation?

Mean

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