Impact on long-term friendships

R.D. aka MR.D · 02-04-2021 12:03pm #1

One issue I have found is that my choice not to have children has negatively impacted on long-term friendships.

I find that friends become acquaintances once they have kids.

Are there any older childfree people here who have any experience of rekindling those friendships once the kids are older and leave home?

I find that the longer time goes on the less likely I am to try to engage in making new friends, I just see an inevitability to them having kids and the whole process will happen again.

Obviously I am happy for everyone who fulfils their dreams of having children but just wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom on it from the point of view of being the one without kids!

Dial Hard · 02-04-2021 12:09pm

I've been lucky in that my two oldest friends are also child free, albeit by circumstance rather than choice, so our paths never diverged the way they might have otherwise. One of them is now engaged and actively trying for a baby, though, and I do suspect she'll disappear off the face of the earth as soon as that happens.

02-04-2021 2:42pm

I've found similar over the years. Many friends had kids and naturally they become focused on the kids. I'm not going to fault them for that.

But, as I can't relate to a lot of what is going on in their lives it becomes difficult to even have a decent conversation with them.

I liken it to sport. I have zero interest in sport and the sport mad lads and I literally can't chat for more than 2 mins because we have nothing to talk about. Its the same when it comes to kids.

I was at a family funeral 2 years ago and met up with a load of cousins I hadn't seen in a few years. For 5 hours solid, they only spoke about their kids. Regardless of the topic, it always came around to how they are experiencing it with their kids e.g. travel, DIY, going out, etc.

As I said, I understand why their perspective has changed, but it just means we struggle to relate to each others experiences.

The flip side of this is I have found other ways around this by seeking out specific topic related friends if that makes sense. For example Catrography, Cycling, Travel, Programming etc. I have groups of friends under each of those topics that I can meet up (insert covid disclaimer here) with and spend hours chatting to about subjects that interest me greatly. They are there for the same reason and we get on great. I couldn't tell you a single thing about their home lives and I like it that way.

pinkypinky · 02-04-2021 3:39pm

I've found that some of my friendships with friends with kids lasted while they were little and then diminished as the kids got a bit older. Possibly there was some expectation that I might roll in with the program, or I'm less willing to put up with it longer term?

However, there are several close friendships that did not wither - were they closer friends that I valued more, perhaps?

I have an older childfree friend who I know deliberately drops people when they have kids. I doubt I'd go that far.

magicbastarder · 03-04-2021 5:37am

Obviously we've seen less of our friends when they've had kids, but I can't say that's affected our friendships. Most of our friends with kids are still interested in the same things they were before they had kids, so we are still able to have the same sort of conversations. Obviously they do talk about their kids too, but that's fine and perfectly natural, the kids are a big part of their lives as you'd expect it to be. And we get on well with I think pretty much all the kids, you can kinda be the cool aunt and uncle to them, with a house full of breakable **** they're not used to.

BuboBubo · 03-04-2021 9:46pm

Once a friend goes down that road, you must do the following.

1. Unfollow on Farcebook, Instash1te, etc.
2. Only visit at night, when their blessings are asleep. (Non covid times)
3. Meet up in pubs, restaurants at night only. Double check there are no high chairs/kiddie menus etc. If there's a jar of lollipops beside the till, don't go there.
4. When the conversation turns to kid stuff, change the subject immediately. Talk about politics, music, science, food - anything.
5. Suggest a night class together, even if it's metalwork or axe throwing.
6. If none of the above works, set a reminder on your phone to contact them in 2037.

magicbastarder · 03-04-2021 9:48pm

BuboBubo wrote: »

4. When the conversation turns to kid stuff, change the subject immediately.

if you're not willing to talk to your friends about major changes in their life, i'd suspect you weren't really their friend in the first place.

FintanMcluskey · 03-04-2021 9:54pm

magicbastarder wrote: »

if you're not willing to talk to your friends about major changes in their life, i'd suspect you weren't really their friend in the first place.

That is true, some talk is ok, but some people loose track of the fact that what their kids do is interesting only to them, not others.

I’ve seen people loose all ability to hold a normal conversation after having a child

03-04-2021 9:55pm

Hasn't really impacted my friendships tbh. But then I really love kids and kids tend to really love me so I don't mind if they're with us when I'm spending time with my mates. I haven't seen my best friend or her two little girls in a year and I miss the two kids almost as much as I miss her.

I'm not someone who likes high maintenance friendships though. You know the kind of friends who like to be in contact everyday, even just a text and meet up constantly. My friendships tend to be less intense so it's not too obvious if their children are taking up more and more of their free time.

Strumms · 03-04-2021 10:08pm

magicbastarder wrote: »

if you're not willing to talk to your friends about major changes in their life, i'd suspect you weren't really their friend in the first place.

The problem is when you meet the parent friend who you haven’t seen for a couple of months and they spend the whole first 90 minutes of the night when you just ask, ‘how is the family?’ Instead of giving you a 15 minute run down, they spend about 90 minutes going on about

- little Michaels teacher being the image of their aunty Bernie, she’s a ride.

- how hard it is to find car seats that are ecologically and environmentally friendly...

- the argument with the wife or girlfriend about grounding him / her or remove games console if they misbehave...

- you are trying to eat dinner and they take out their phone showing you the little *&€# puking on themselves and then start giving you the ‘disgruntled parent ‘ look when you don’t awwwhh and act all goooey.

magicbastarder · 03-04-2021 10:35pm

FintanMcluskey wrote: »

That is true, some talk is ok, but some people loose track of the fact that what their kids do is interesting only to them, not others.

I’ve seen people loose all ability to hold a normal conversation after having a child

thankfully, i've not had this experience. most of my friends seemed to go for the 'oh thank christ, someone i can talk to about random **** with which isn't about nappies' i suspect.

R.D. aka MR.D · 04-04-2021 9:42am

Hmmm... It seems my issue might be related to not enjoying being around kids. I also tend to not like talking about kids for very long. I have a very high stress job and i make an effort with my friends to not mention it more than just in passing or maybe to talk briefly about an issue or something that happened. I find a lot of people with kids don't make the effort to chat about their kids for an appropriate amount of time, it is always kids, kids, kids.

Also prior to the pandemic, parents seem so limited in the activities they can do so they can't join in. Then the 'must be nice' comments start to kick in if you talk about doing stuff they haven't been able to.

I love the suggestion of an evening class. I will definitely try that next time. I know I need to keep friendships but I also am not willing to be around or talk about kids constantly, I don't have them for a reason!

Jequ0n · 06-04-2021 9:13am

It depends. I have a friend who lives for his family and spends every minute available with his kids. However, he barely ever talks about them to me because he knows that I have no interest. I don’t mind if the topic comes up sometimes but he himself admits that nobody is interested in others people’s children, so no problem there.
Other people simply ignore this and keep bombarding me with stories/ pictures of their kids when a picture of their bookshelf would interest me more. In these cases I withdraw and keep the contact to a minimum because I can’t be bothered to feign interest. The funny thing is that these people don’t even notice so nobody is bothered

06-04-2021 10:40pm

Definitely lost a few friends through the years- probably due to a combination of location/ geography differences as well as no children but the “no children” was likely a key factor too. Saying that have maintained great friendships too with old friends who have kids so it’s certainly not impossible.

What I do find though is you’re more likely to be invited to neighbours gatherings if you’ve kids, simply because there’s a commonality there be it, their kids are friends with each other, carpooling for school runs and sports etc so parental friendships develop as a result out of that contact and general empathy with each other - so definitely probably missed out on some parties through the years but TBH communions and kids birthdays are my nightmare and certainly not my idea of fun so I’m grateful not getting the invites to those - so for me it’s less about friendships lost, it’s more about the friendships never developed in the first place.

Sunny Disposition · 06-04-2021 11:13pm

I don’t think having children would help ye keep friends.
It’s just the way it goes if you do have kids, you don’t go out as much or have the same type of life. You tend to have much less time with friends, doesn’t matter if they have kids or not, and some friendships inevitably don’t last.
Child free people are more likely to have more conventional fun, no doubt.

Faith · 07-04-2021 8:50am

Deleted User wrote: »

What I do find though is you’re more likely to be invited to neighbours gatherings if you’ve kids, simply because there’s a commonality there be it, their kids are friends with each other, carpooling for school runs and sports etc so parental friendships develop as a result out of that contact and general empathy with each other - so definitely probably missed out on some parties through the years but TBH communions and kids birthdays are my nightmare and certainly not my idea of fun so I’m grateful not getting the invites to those - so for me it’s less about friendships lost, it’s more about the friendships never developed in the first place.

That's a good point. My husband and I recently moved into a new build estate, just renting for a few months. The place is crawling with young children and their parents gathered together outside (to be fair, everyone seems very friendly). But apparently the estate has two whatsapp groups for residents - one for "Mummies" and one for "Daddies". Even if I had children, I couldn't bring myself to be part of something like that!

Feisar · 07-04-2021 2:51pm

Faith wrote: »

That's a good point. My husband and I recently moved into a new build estate, just renting for a few months. The place is crawling with young children and their parents gathered together outside (to be fair, everyone seems very friendly). But apparently the estate has two whatsapp groups for residents - one for "Mummies" and one for "Daddies". Even if I had children, I couldn't bring myself to be part of something like that!

I've a wee dribbler to my name, groups like that sound vomit inducing. Herself is in a countywide mums group which can be handy for deals but some of the questions/crap people put on it that she tells me about, just ugh...

bunny_mac · 09-04-2021 11:54pm

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I find a lot of people with kids don't make the effort to chat about their kids for an appropriate amount of time, it is always kids, kids, kids.

THIS. A thousand times this. Friendship is a two-way street and, in my opinion, it doesn't matter what has happened in your life be it kids, wedding, job, travel, whatever. No topic is any more important than another, or worthy of more time. Everyone has their own life, their own things they love/find interesting and if you're really committed to a friendship, you won't dominate it with your own crap, you make space for the other person and their crap.

bunny_mac · 09-04-2021 11:58pm

I've had a real mixed bag with friendships. I'm lucky to have a few friends who don't have kids (albeit by circumstance rather than choice) and of the ones who do, some have disappeared down the rabbit hole and while I tried and tried and tried to keep the friendship going I eventually gave up because I was the one doing all the trying. Other friends with kids, sure I see less of them, but when I do see them they are conscious of not talking about the kids ALL the time, which I'm very grateful for. But it definitely changes a friendship. Every time I've found out about a good friend getting pregnant, while I've been thrilled for them, my heart has broken another little bit at knowing that I've lost that person as they exist in my life at that point.

Faith · 10-04-2021 10:11am

bunny_mac wrote: »

But it definitely changes a friendship. Every time I've found out about a good friend getting pregnant, while I've been thrilled for them, my heart has broken another little bit at knowing that I've lost that person as they exist in my life at that point.

I remember the first time a very close friend told me she was pregnant. I was lucky in that I’d gotten to my early 30s, but this particular couple were the ones we’d have absolutely wild nights out with - drinking unholy amounts, staying up most of the night, just laughing and enjoying life. When they told me, I had a moment of feeling like I might actually faint from shock, and I went through a genuine (entirely selfish) mourning period for all I had just lost.

We’ve been lucky in that they have changed basically as little as it’s possible to by having children, but it’s still a big change. I completely agree with that idea of your heart breaking just a little with each friend who goes down the parenting road.

Although, the plus side is our house is considered like a safe haven for our friends with kids, and they’re all mad to come visit us when they can because there are no children and no child-related paraphernalia all over the place

10-04-2021 2:14pm

bunny_mac wrote: »

I've had a real mixed bag with friendships. I'm lucky to have a few friends who don't have kids (albeit by circumstance rather than choice) and of the ones who do, some have disappeared down the rabbit hole and while I tried and tried and tried to keep the friendship going I eventually gave up because I was the one doing all the trying. Other friends with kids, sure I see less of them, but when I do see them they are conscious of not talking about the kids ALL the time, which I'm very grateful for. But it definitely changes a friendship. Every time I've found out about a good friend getting pregnant, while I've been thrilled for them, my heart has broken another little bit at knowing that I've lost that person as they exist in my life at that point.

Ive probably lost a few friends simply because i was in a relationship at the time and they weren't. If you stop the mad nights out, for some friendships you realise that the only thing you had in common was drink and very little else.

Eric Cartman · 18-04-2021 12:14pm

magicbastarder wrote: »

if you're not willing to talk to your friends about major changes in their life, i'd suspect you weren't really their friend in the first place.

I think theres a certain line though, there are some parents who absolutely become frustratingly devoted to injecting their kids in to every given topic even when completely irrelevant.

You have those people who cant tell a story without throwing them in

“So i was going down the road and a light came on in the car so I pulled over and sure little billy and sorcha in the back were getting cranky and i had to give them a juice box to calm them down and then they were screaming etc... and so I had to get the car towed “

Ive italliced the irrelevant bits, its annoying they cant tell a story without including the kids no matter how irrelevant they are to the story.

Also I do find that some people with children treat you as less of a person in group settings, everyone talking about a topic and your input kind of gets a ‘ok but you dont have kids so you dont understand’ despite it being a non child related topic

Sunny Disposition · 20-04-2021 9:25am

Honestly, I think most fathers with small kids anyway would much rather talk about other things than their children. You'd be glad of a break from changing nappies, feeding etc, I think very few fathers wouldn't. Mothers might spend a little bit longer talking about the kids, but I'd say a lot of them would welcome a conversation about other things too.
It can be a bit different when the kids are a bit older, the pride can come out a bit more!

Aisling(",) · 29-04-2021 1:56pm

Faith wrote: »

I remember the first time a very close friend told me she was pregnant. I was lucky in that I’d gotten to my early 30s, but this particular couple were the ones we’d have absolutely wild nights out with - drinking unholy amounts, staying up most of the night, just laughing and enjoying life. When they told me, I had a moment of feeling like I might actually faint from shock, and I went through a genuine (entirely selfish) mourning period for all I had just lost.

I'm so glad to see someone else say this!I've felt the same when my close friend group have had kids.I saw mad nights out and girls holidays fly straight out the window.It's selfish of me but It was how I felt,in addition to being delighted for them.Its not as bad when the babies are a little older and they're comfortable to leave them for a few nights.

We had a trip booked to go to Brussels last year, and 2 of the girls had young kids, it was cancelled by covid but it just shows it wasn't something that will be out of the picture forever.

notsoyoungwan · 29-04-2021 9:53pm

I’ve only ‘lost’ one friend to the children rabbit hole. She has become a real mammy-martyr. It’s all about the sacrifices and struggles she has to make, whereas in reality she wants to make them, which of course is absolutely fine, I just wish she wouldn’t pretend or be so martyr-ish about it. For the first few years after she had her child, I made a lot of effort and always was the one to travel to her (about a two hour drive) but once the child became older I felt she should be making some effort, but she never did. The final straw for me was when I drove to her as planned, for an early bird dinner, so that she could get back home for the child’s bedtime (cos apparently his father couldn’t put him to bed...!) only to find said 5 year old tagging along on our meal out “oh he said he wanted to come!” and she didn’t think to say “no honey you can’t come, I’m off out with my friend, daddy will mind you and I’ll be back to put you to bed, bye!” The evening was of course dominated by him, and we had no normal conversation at all. That was the last time I drove to see her! She didn’t see anything wrong with how the evening panned out at all. We talk on the phone about once a fortnight now, and text most days, but our friendship has certainly suffered.

On the other hand, I have other friends who have navigated parenthood differently and we have maintained and grown our friendships, and also have friends who i have gotten to know after they’ve had kids so we’ve never had a different kind of friendship, and those two in particular are well able to lead lives in which they’re not totally consumed by children, and we go on one European city break a year and two within Ireland.

Strumms · 29-04-2021 10:19pm

I can relate...

I had my mate who like me is a huge music fan and a gig goer... “ Jesus, it’s been about 2 years since I saw a proper gig, I miss that and the pints after and...”

My reply... “ your wife’s parents who dote on your kid and their daughter, live about 5 kms away, call them “

Him “ yes but I don’t like to impose too much, and it mightn’t be good for the kids all the time an an... “

My reply “ 3 or 4 nights a year, or your brother n law lives close, he himself has one kid roughly the same age. It’s not ALL the time..”

Him “ yeah i dunno, I dunno, seems weird leaving them hmmm”

Going to see a band in June in Vicar St, the planning starts in March, about 30 WhatsApp messages.... he has a blast when we do go... will talk about it for a week, pics on Facebook....’rolling back the time’ was one caption ( he is 41 ) then back to the vids of the kid flinging peas at him again for the 40th time in two years...

For somebody so social, outgoing, friendly, with interests ranging from live sport, art, music, traveling... he’s gone... his brother agrees, weeks trying to get him to go to a match... oddville.

I thought about messaging him earlier but can’t face.. the ‘it’s hard being a parent ‘ schtick for the 1678th time, this year.

notsoyoungwan · 29-04-2021 10:33pm

^ that’s very frustrating. It’s hard to see a friendship become a one-way street, with no effort being made on their part.

Strumms · 29-04-2021 10:43pm

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

^ that’s very frustrating. It’s hard to see a friendship become a one-way street, with no effort being made on their part.

Yes, it’s not out of badness though... his wife became a little obsessed with parenthood/family.. embracing it certainly is good but... she’s a bit manic and kinda has himself reprogrammed.

magicbastarder · 29-04-2021 10:57pm

first kid?

notsoyoungwan · 29-04-2021 11:24pm

magicbastarder wrote: »

first kid?

Yep

Larbre34 · 30-04-2021 9:46pm

Parents of young kids are massive bores. Yes I have some good friends I don't wish to lose, but I'll catch up with them in 10 to 15 years. Meanwhile I'll be on the Golf Course or at a nice restaurant if they need me.

magicbastarder · 01-05-2021 12:15am

Larbre34 wrote: »

Parents of young kids are massive bores. Yes I have some good friends I don't wish to lose, but I'll catch up with them in 10 to 15 years.

they're not your good friends so.
we have had plenty of friends who have had young kids. granted, we may have seen them less when their kids were young, but they most certainly did not turn into massive bores when we did meet.

in 10 to 15 years, when you've shown little interest in them, they will have moved on to people who did show interest in them in the intervening time.

R.D. aka MR.D · 01-05-2021 8:45am

magicbastarder wrote: »

in 10 to 15 years, when you've shown little interest in them, they will have moved on to people who did show interest in them in the intervening time.

I agree with this but I think this is the issue really. It seems friendships with parents turn one sided if you want to keep the friendship for a long time. I know when my friends have kids they have zero interest in my life or have no ability to be away from the kids.

I've lost friends that I knew since I was 4 years old. They genuinely were good friends but maybe in their mind I wasn't as they dropped me because I wasn't willing to give, give, give into the friendship.

bunny_mac · 01-05-2021 10:11am

magicbastarder wrote: »

in 10 to 15 years, when you've shown little interest in them, they will have moved on to people who did show interest in them in the intervening time.

The interest needs to come from both sides though. Why would I keep chasing after someone who shows zero interest in my life? I think you need to make an allowance for the early stages of parenthood when it's all new and overwhelming but if the kid is 3 and conversation still revolves entirely around the kid then eff that.

The Cool · 07-05-2021 5:58pm

In our 30s now and starting to lose friends to parenthood. We had a couple we used to be great friends with, while he was single he spent a lot of time in our house and when they met she and I would hang out lots, we'd go out for dinner, visit lots, call often, we were closely involved in their wedding, the whole shebang. But they haven't been to our house in the 2 years since they had their son and we are now in touch a few times a year. When we do try to organise visiting them, we're given their son's feeding and sleep schedule to work around - we were told before it suits best to come over at 5.30, despite us both working til 6.30 and living a drive away. I don't know if it's totally in my own head but I often feel guilty, or made to feel guilty, that we aren't chasing them enough, when actually every time we've seen them in those 2 years has been off our initiative. I very much feel like the onus is somehow on us to keep up with them since they are so busy with parenting, even though they have our phone number too and know where we live!

pinkypinky · 11-05-2021 9:38am

Yes, I realised that I did the running with a couple of particular friendships for years - they had kids by their mid-20s and for a decade I facilitated by going to their houses, etc. Eventually, I stopped trying and got an occasional effort from their side, but haven't now seen them in a couple of years.

listermint · 11-05-2021 9:49am

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I agree with this but I think this is the issue really. It seems friendships with parents turn one sided if you want to keep the friendship for a long time. I know when my friends have kids they have zero interest in my life or have no ability to be away from the kids.

I've lost friends that I knew since I was 4 years old. They genuinely were good friends but maybe in their mind I wasn't as they dropped me because I wasn't willing to give, give, give into the friendship.

In many ways there's an innate selfishness in the lack of understanding that they have alot of serious stresses and changes in their life and are basically learning daily. Like a master's concised into a few months.

If you don't understand that and think it's all one sided... Then perhaps you maybe were not that caring in the first place.

There has to be some real acknowledgment of the work they are putting in whilst your life has pretty much unchanged. I think if you gave them that consideration for the early years you'd find a stronger future bond. I realise that may even sound one sided. But yes their newborn/s are more important than you in that period.

Feisar · 11-05-2021 10:01am

My best friend is child free by choice as is his partner. Or as they put it, "zero interest in wasting our time with kids". I've a young lad coming on two, doesn't effect our friendship.

paw patrol · 11-05-2021 10:24am

I have 3 kids.

But I'm actually in agreement with the non child people here.

while I don't deny my kids exist and i'm very fond of them they aren't the only thing in my life and I like to talk about other things. Maybe those that bang on about their kids all the time have nothing else...i dunno.

anyway my long and laboured point is , that not all people (of course they exist I encounter this too ) with kids feel the same. Many of us (my wife too) when they meet friends they want it to be a non kids event and time to relax.

and a special place in hell for those that camp in the pub with their kids.

R.D. aka MR.D · 11-05-2021 12:18pm

listermint wrote: »

In many ways there's an innate selfishness in the lack of understanding that they have alot of serious stresses and changes in their life and are basically learning daily. Like a master's concised into a few months.

If you don't understand that and think it's all one sided... Then perhaps you maybe were not that caring in the first place.

There has to be some real acknowledgment of the work they are putting in whilst your life has pretty much unchanged. I think if you gave them that consideration for the early years you'd find a stronger future bond. I realise that may even sound one sided. But yes their newborn/s are more important than you in that period.

I don't think that I'm not caring at all. Your viewpoint sounds very much like the idea that having kids is the most important and difficult thing in the world.

Other people have challenges in their lives and I would hope friends wouldn't minimise those as unimportant just because they have children. I don't really see how someone having a child they choose to have makes it my responsibility to maintain a relationship where they have no interest or compassion for my challenges.

Feisar · 11-05-2021 1:09pm

paw patrol wrote: »

I have 3 kids.

But I'm actually in agreement with the non child people here.

while I don't deny my kids exist and i'm very fond of them they aren't the only thing in my life and I like to talk about other things. Maybe those that bang on about their kids all the time have nothing else...i dunno.

anyway my long and laboured point is , that not all people (of course they exist I encounter this too ) with kids feel the same. Many of us (my wife too) when they meet friends they want it to be a non kids event and time to relax.

and a special place in hell for those that camp in the pub with their kids.

I used to be a barman. To the dolls in spending the childrens allowance on bottles of Bulmers to the lads filling them with fanta while slugging pints, fúck you.

Faith · 11-05-2021 1:18pm

listermint wrote: »

they have alot of serious stresses and changes in their life and are basically learning daily. Like a master's concised into a few months.
.

That's just life, regardless of whether or not you have kids. That's why friendships are reciprocal two-way relationships - it can't be all about the stresses and changes of one party's life to the exclusion of the other person's.

eviltwin · 11-05-2021 1:24pm

I think you cut people a bit of slack when they experience major life changes whether that’s a new child or going back to education or whatever. But moving onto new phases in your life does open up new opportunities to meet people and sometimes you find your friends aren’t really people you want to be around anymore. If someone really wants to maintain your friendship they will, kids is just an excuse but easier than saying I’d rather be around people at my stage in life.

B2021M · 11-05-2021 1:44pm

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I don't think that I'm not caring at all. Your viewpoint sounds very much like the idea that having kids is the most important and difficult thing in the world.

Other people have challenges in their lives and I would hope friends wouldn't minimise those as unimportant just because they have children. I don't really see how someone having a child they choose to have makes it my responsibility to maintain a relationship where they have no interest or compassion for my challenges.

I agree. I think having kids gives people a 'card' that their commitments are 'more important'. Society strongly supports this idea too.

R.D. aka MR.D · 11-05-2021 1:45pm

eviltwin wrote: »

I think you cut people a bit of slack when they experience major life changes whether that’s a new child or going back to education or whatever. But moving onto new phases in your life does open up new opportunities to meet people and sometimes you find your friends aren’t really people you want to be around anymore. If someone really wants to maintain your friendship they will, kids is just an excuse but easier than saying I’d rather be around people at my stage in life.

This is definitely a part of it for sure. There is so little in common once someone has small children.

Unfortunately, I think I will just continue not to make any new friends until I'm in an age bracket where it is clear the friendships won't be cut short by kids. I mean we all have friends that are circumstance based like work/location etc. but one thing that makes me a little bit sad is that maybe I will never have a good female friend again until I'm much older.

It's mad, I've had friendships survive all sorts of things like mortgages, international moves, illness etc. but kids seem to be the only insurmountable obstacle. Perhaps it does change a person fundamentally in ways that other life stages don't.

Faith · 11-05-2021 3:04pm

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

This is definitely a part of it for sure. There is so little in common once someone has small children.

Unfortunately, I think I will just continue not to make any new friends until I'm in an age bracket where it is clear the friendships won't be cut short by kids. I mean we all have friends that are circumstance based like work/location etc. but one thing that makes me a little bit sad is that maybe I will never have a good female friend again until I'm much older.

It's mad, I've had friendships survive all sorts of things like mortgages, international moves, illness etc. but kids seem to be the only insurmountable obstacle. Perhaps it does change a person fundamentally in ways that other life stages don't.

I do think it's a bit predictable as to who'll change and who won't, though. We were having a drink in the garden with our friends recently who have a toddler and a newborn. We made the point of offering our services as babysitters any time they needed it, but they pretty much turned us straight down, saying they'd want to be out with us and they'd leave the kids with grandparents or other family. They've always been a hugely sociable couple and I would have always expected that to stay the case.

On the other hand, other friends have become all about their kids, but looking back, they never had that much occupying their lives before kids, so it was easy for their identities as individuals to just blur into their new identity as parents first and foremost.

I think it comes down to how people define themselves - do they still see themselves as a complete individual who now is also a parent, or is 'parent' the main defining characteristic for them.

lrushe · 12-05-2021 10:41am

I have 2 kids but I don't like children in general, I just about tolerate my own two:pac::pac:
I have one friend who has a child the same age as my youngest who I've found myself avoiding a bit because all she wants to talk about is 6 years olds whereas I'd rather have teeth pulled:rolleyes:
Going to visit a child free friend is like going for a mini vacation, stimulating conversation, no sticky surfaces and an uninterrupted hot cup of tea....bliss:P

13-05-2021 7:20am

I found that my friendships with friends who had kids young, not really affected too much. Although I have even gone on hols with one friend and her kids, so I'm probably very close to them anyway.
I'm now mid 40s & one of my oldest friends is going through treatment with her partner, who will become pregnant. I know my friendship with her will change when a baby comes along and it makes me sad already!

o1s1n · 25-05-2021 11:03am

We had some very good childless friends ask us to have a Zoom call with them yesterday, apparently they had 'exciting news'.

'Oh dear god, they're going to tell us they're having a baby, aren't they?'

Sure as I called it, excited friends on the other side announcing they're 3 months along already.

As happy as I am for them, it really can be difficult to feign excitement when you know you've basically for all intents and purposes, lost your friends.

I know that might sound dramatic, but every single friend I have with children constantly cancels plans last minute and pretty much just vanishes.

Totally understandable, given the circumstances - just hard not to be disappointed.

sameoldname · 26-05-2021 7:23pm

I wholeheartedly I agree with the above.

What also kills me is that fact that if you do try and maintain the friendship it's gonna be you doing all the work. You drive to them, at a time that suits them, in a place that suits them, for a duration of time that suits them.

Now fair enough, that's the nature of the beast but when you get there the conversation is normally crap because they're so sleep deprived that they can barely string a sentence together or else they talk about their kids because that (naturally) is what's on their mind. Then you go home after spending less time chatting than it took to drive there and think to yourself; "Is this really a friendship anymore?" I know it's poor form to say this but there often is a point you get to where meeting them feels more like obligation than fun.

Now, not all parents are like that and I do have some friends that becoming a parent didn't really change them from a friendship perspective much at all but that seems to be abnormal in my experience.

Sunny Disposition · 27-05-2021 11:49am

lrushe wrote: »

I have 2 kids but I don't like children in general, I just about tolerate my own two:pac::pac:
I have one friend who has a child the same age as my youngest who I've found myself avoiding a bit because all she wants to talk about is 6 years olds whereas I'd rather have teeth pulled:rolleyes:
Going to visit a child free friend is like going for a mini vacation, stimulating conversation, no sticky surfaces and an uninterrupted hot cup of tea....bliss:P

I'd agree with this, meeting child free friends is great! Maybe this is more so the case for men, but the chance to stop thinking about minding kids is a great relief.

Impact on long-term friendships

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