Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Writing a letter 37 years later

Options
  • 01-05-2021 10:13pm
    #1
    johnmck
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 415 ✭✭


    I'm thinking of writing a letter to a man who ran me down as a 4 year old. He smashed my leg and never told my parents. I almost lost my leg because of infection. My parents never knew exactly what happened to me , they just found me lying in the street crying. The only reason I remember who did it is because it came back to me after I had another injury on the same leg. Like a suppressed memory. He asked me to not say a word to my parents and if I did he would give me a toy. I've no doubt it was him as he used to speed on the road we lived in. There's more details, I won't go into that 100 percent makes him the perpetrator after I told my father. Anyway, my leg has never been right since. It has slight muscle wastage and starting to get arthritis in it. I want to let him know after all of this time , without revealing who I am, that what he done was wrong. He will put two and two together and know who has wrote to him, but I'm wondering if in any way me sending the letter would get me into any bother


«13

Comments

  • Options
    #2
    NomadicGray
    Registered Users Posts: 1,433 ✭✭✭NomadicGray


    How confident are you in your memory? Seems like something you need therapy for and not 'revenge'


  • Options
    #3
    Mjolnir
    Registered Users Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Mjolnir


    johnmck wrote: »
    I'm thinking of writing a letter to a man who ran me down as a 4 year old. He smashed my leg and never told my parents. I almost lost my leg because of infection. My parents never knew exactly what happened to me , they just found me lying in the street crying. The only reason I remember who did it is because it came back to me after I had another injury on the same leg. Like a suppressed memory. He asked me to not say a word to my parents and if I did he would give me a toy. I've no doubt it was him as he used to speed on the road we lived in. There's more details, I won't go into that 100 percent makes him the perpetrator after I told my father. Anyway, my leg has never been right since. It has slight muscle wastage and starting to get arthritis in it. I want to let him know after all of this time , without revealing who I am, that what he done was wrong. He will put two and two together and know who has wrote to him, but I'm wondering if in any way me sending the letter would get me into any bother

    I mean sending a single anonymous typed letter would have zero repercussions, but what are you hoping to achieve. As long as you make no threats, or allegations to others which could be deemed to be defamatory, or demands of reparations you'll be fine.
    Likely it'll be bined or set alight.


  • Options
    #4
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Why anonymous? If you wish to confront him, confront him.


  • Options
    #5
    Mjolnir
    Registered Users Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Mjolnir


    Niner leprauchan wrote: »
    Why anonymous? If you wish to confront him, confront him.

    Probably because writing an accusatory letter to someone with your details on it, based on nothing but memories of when you were four could actually lead to issues. Just a wild guess.


  • Options
    #6
    Mrs OBumble
    Registered Users Posts: 25,768 ✭✭✭✭Mrs OBumble


    Depends what you want you achieve with it.

    One option is to write the letter, but not send it.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    raclle
    Registered Users Posts: 2,358 ✭✭✭raclle


    NomadicGray wrote: »
    How confident are you in your memory? Seems like something you need therapy for and not 'revenge'
    Revenge? :D

    He's simply sending him a letter


  • Options
    #8
    touts
    Registered Users Posts: 6,448 ✭✭✭touts


    johnmck wrote: »
    I'm thinking of writing a letter to a man who ran me down as a 4 year old. He smashed my leg and never told my parents. I almost lost my leg because of infection. My parents never knew exactly what happened to me , they just found me lying in the street crying. The only reason I remember who did it is because it came back to me after I had another injury on the same leg. Like a suppressed memory. He asked me to not say a word to my parents and if I did he would give me a toy. I've no doubt it was him as he used to speed on the road we lived in. There's more details, I won't go into that 100 percent makes him the perpetrator after I told my father. Anyway, my leg has never been right since. It has slight muscle wastage and starting to get arthritis in it. I want to let him know after all of this time , without revealing who I am, that what he done was wrong. He will put two and two together and know who has wrote to him, but I'm wondering if in any way me sending the letter would get me into any bother

    Memories, no matter how vivid, can often be incorrect. That is especially true from an event as traumatic as this and from an event when you were as young as 4. You may well be 100% right in what you are saying but before you do anything I would strongly urge you to seek some professional help and counseling. You are not alone in this and you really need to get help and support rather than heading down a path of anger and potential vengeance. If you can't afford help then talk to some of the victims support charities like 1 in 4.


  • Options
    #9
    johnmck
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 415 ✭✭johnmck


    NomadicGray wrote: »
    How confident are you in your memory? Seems like something you need therapy for and not 'revenge'

    My memory is solid on it, it's something he said about the toy he would give me, because he would be the only person who had access to them. I remember going to his house in my cast , knocking on the door and asking for it.

    As for the other people saying I need counselling , this is something that has come up in counselling.
    I'd feel writing the letter would get it off my chest once and for all


  • Options
    #10
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    Obviously there's all sorts of wrong with that the driver did. But can he be solely responsible for an unsupervised 4yr old playing in a street, where cars were known to speed on.

    I'd be interested in hearing what the legal angle of this is.


  • Options
    #11
    guitarhappy
    Registered Users Posts: 229 ✭✭guitarhappy


    I wrote a letter like that myself once. As a young person I had been seriously wronged by someone. As the years and decades passed, it seemed even more unfair that I had to continue to bear the injury, the shame, and Injustice while they got off scot free. I didn't write anonymously, I signed my name and the recipient of the letter knew who I was.

    I didn't get the response I hoped for. People have an enormous capacity to deny responsibility for their egregious behavior and to twist and distort truth and reality to their own advantage.

    In writing I had hoped to exorcise or reframe the trauma to help me move past it. The reality is sometimes bad things happen to us and you can't get justice, you can't make it have never happened, you can only move on with it in your life history as part of what makes you who are. Stuff happens, life is unfair, other people can be small and disappointing and disinterested in fixing the wrong they done or the damage they have caused.

    For a while I replayed writing the letter.... should I have not written it, should I have written it but not sent it, should I have confronted them in person, etc, on and on. There is no right or wrong way to do it, it's your own spiritual journey. But you can't give someone that much power over you and your happiness. You can't let flawed people rent space in your head.

    They say "The best revenge is living well." Whether you write the letter or not, understand that the recipient is not worthy of any more of your life energy. The best revenge is to live your life very well. You ​can't un-remember but you don't have to let it prevent you from living an otherwise happy life.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #12
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    guitarhappy wrote: »
    People have an enormous capacity to deny responsibility for their egregious behavior and to twist and distort truth and reality to their own advantage.
    You can't let flawed people rent space in your head

    I've been there and known such people.


  • Options
    #13
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    beauf wrote: »
    Obviously there's also sort of wrong with that the driver did. But can he be solely responsible for an unsupervised 4yr old playing in a street, where cars were known to speed on.

    I'd be interested in hearing what the legal angle of this is.

    The legal angle is speeding and leaving the scene.

    "Sort of wrong"? He left s child injured on the street after hitting him!


  • Options
    #14
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Mjolnir wrote: »
    Probably because writing an accusatory letter to someone with your details on it, based on nothing but memories of when you were four could actually lead to issues. Just a wild guess.

    How so? Its a private letter between two adults.

    Provided it's not threatening or blackmail, I see no issue


  • Options
    #15
    nibtrix
    Registered Users Posts: 1,305 ✭✭✭nibtrix


    Niner leprauchan wrote: »
    How so? Its a private letter between two adults.

    Provided it's not threatening or blackmail, I see no issue

    Well it’s in the UK rather than Ireland, but here’s a recent example where a private letter has been recorded by the police as a hate “incident”:

    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin//showthread.php?t=2058181815


  • Options
    #16
    is_that_so
    Registered Users Posts: 32,136 ✭✭✭✭is_that_so


    johnmck wrote: »
    I'm thinking of writing a letter to a man who ran me down as a 4 year old. He smashed my leg and never told my parents. I almost lost my leg because of infection. My parents never knew exactly what happened to me , they just found me lying in the street crying. The only reason I remember who did it is because it came back to me after I had another injury on the same leg. Like a suppressed memory. He asked me to not say a word to my parents and if I did he would give me a toy. I've no doubt it was him as he used to speed on the road we lived in. There's more details, I won't go into that 100 percent makes him the perpetrator after I told my father. Anyway, my leg has never been right since. It has slight muscle wastage and starting to get arthritis in it. I want to let him know after all of this time , without revealing who I am, that what he done was wrong. He will put two and two together and know who has wrote to him, but I'm wondering if in any way me sending the letter would get me into any bother

    I'd also agree with the idea of writing but not sending a letter. Having seen the very catastrophic effects of this scenario on a family, at very least it helps clarify your own feelings.

    What can actually be achieved so long after the fact by communicating with someone you otherwise don't care about?

    Writing is a very cathartic way to face down what's inside of us by telling stories that can no longer hurt us but it doesn't need to be seen by anyone else.


  • Options
    #17
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    Niner leprauchan wrote: »
    The legal angle is speeding and leaving the scene.

    "Sort of wrong"? He left s child injured on the street after hitting him!

    Auto correct typo it was meant to say all sorts of wrong.


  • Options
    #18
    Stihl waters
    Registered Users Posts: 715 ✭✭✭Stihl waters


    How anonymous would it be, how many did he run over that he would forget something like that, I'd prefer to meet him face to face and have a chat


  • Options
    #19
    johnmck
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 415 ✭✭johnmck


    Stihl waters wrote: »
    How anonymous would it be, how many did he run over that he would forget something like that, I'd prefer to meet him face to face and have a chat

    He's an old man now, not sure I want to approach him.


  • Options
    #20
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    nibtrix wrote: »
    Well it’s in the UK rather than Ireland, but here’s a recent example where a private letter has been recorded by the police as a hate “incident”:

    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin//showthread.php?t=2058181815

    So irrelevant and not on the same subject


  • Options
    #21
    johnmck
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 415 ✭✭johnmck


    beauf wrote: »
    Auto correct typo it was meant to say all sorts of wrong.

    Simple fact of the matter was that as a result of the injury he caused I was never able to play football confidently. I enjoy sports and think I would have been a good athlete , luckily I'm a pretty good swimmer and the weakness in my leg doesn't effect that much.

    It was a terrible act. The bone got infected , one surgeon wanted to remove half my leg but my dad freaked and got a second opinion and another surgeon rescued it


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #22
    nibtrix
    Registered Users Posts: 1,305 ✭✭✭nibtrix


    Niner leprauchan wrote: »
    So irrelevant and not on the same subject

    You said “How so? Its a private letter between two adults.
    Provided it's not threatening or blackmail, I see no issue”.

    I was merely pointing out a situation where someone thought they were writing a private letter between two adults, no threats or blackmail involved, and it ended up with police involvement.

    While that letter is not about the same type of subject as this thread, the incident is relevant as a response to your statement.


  • Options
    #23
    Stihl waters
    Registered Users Posts: 715 ✭✭✭Stihl waters


    johnmck wrote: »
    Simple fact of the matter was that as a result of the injury he caused I was never able to play football confidently. I enjoy sports and think I would have been a good athlete , luckily I'm a pretty good swimmer and the weakness in my leg doesn't effect that much.

    It was a terrible act. The bone got infected , one surgeon wanted to remove half my leg but my dad freaked and got a second opinion and another surgeon rescued it

    Write the letter and get it off your chest


  • Options
    #24
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    nibtrix wrote: »
    You said “How so? Its a private letter between two adults.
    Provided it's not threatening or blackmail, I see no issue”.

    I was merely pointing out a situation where someone thought they were writing a private letter between two adults, no threats or blackmail involved, and it ended up with police involvement.

    While that letter is not about the same type of subject as this thread, the incident is relevant as a response to your statement.

    It's a different country, different situation and between two absolute strangers. the fact that it's a letter is the only connection.

    So in regards this actual issue, there's nothing there for the Gardai to deal with.

    As for the op, I really think it would be more therapeutic to do it by name but it's your call


  • Options
    #25
    Darc19
    Registered Users Posts: 3,817 ✭✭✭Darc19


    nibtrix wrote: »
    Well it’s in the UK rather than Ireland, but here’s a recent example where a private letter has been recorded by the police as a hate “incident”:

    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin//showthread.php?t=2058181815

    English police can be dreadfully stupid. You only have to have a basic GCSE pass to get into the force. Basically a junior cert level of education.
    Remember, English police handed out fines to people for having a takeaway coffee because it was a 'picnic' - that is the level of stupidity you are dealing with, so using an example of an English police case is nonsense

    As for the op, maybe write the letter in an informal way explaining why you are writing it and clearly state that it is not in anger or a way of looking for revenge, but to make the person aware that the accident that day has had both physical and psychological long-term effects on you and by passing the information on, it hopefully allows you to move on.


  • Options
    #26
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Darc19 wrote: »
    English police can be dreadfully stupid. You only have to have a basic GCSE pass to get into the force. Basically a junior cert level of education.
    Remember, English police handed out fines to people for having a takeaway coffee because it was a 'picnic' - that is the level of stupidity you are dealing with, so using an example of an English police case is nonsense

    As for the op, maybe write the letter in an informal way explaining why you are writing it and clearly state that it is not in anger or a way of looking for revenge, but to make the person aware that the accident that day has had both physical and psychological long-term effects on you and by passing the information on, it hopefully allows you to move on.

    Because the minimum requirement to start your training is always the standard that people have?

    Management will have the same degrees as the rest of global policing. Uk forces in fact run a lot of international training as does ags.

    Both forces are also utilized for un training and monitoring missions.

    Ags is also following the uk model of oversight and control by civilian external 'experts' that decide such things so blaming the police for following a procedure thought up by a college graduate in an office is incorrect.

    Education level does not equate intelligence or ability in a live environment


  • Options
    #27
    endofrainbow
    Registered Users Posts: 2,618 ✭✭✭endofrainbow


    If you do write and send the letter, how do you know he'll even read it and how he'll react? not worth the paper it's written on.


  • Options
    #28
    Darc19
    Registered Users Posts: 3,817 ✭✭✭Darc19


    Niner leprauchan wrote: »
    Because the minimum requirement to start your training is always the standard that people have?

    Management will have the same degrees as the rest of global policing. Uk forces in fact run a lot of international training as does ags.

    Both forces are also utilized for un training and monitoring missions.

    Ags is also following the uk model of oversight and control by civilian external 'experts' that decide such things so blaming the police for following a procedure thought up by a college graduate in an office is incorrect.

    Education level does not equate intelligence or ability in a live environment

    The basic English Bobby can be as thick as two planks. This is shown time and time again and one of the reasons is the low education standards to get in.

    Here you need a far higher standard.

    Doesn't mean all English cops are stupid, but they have more than their fair share of stupidity in the force.


  • Options
    #29
    JustAThought
    Registered Users Posts: 5,324 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    johnmck wrote: »
    He's an old man now, not sure I want to approach him.

    Does he have family? Do you know his name / where he lives.

    He’s had a lifetime to repent and make good on the evil he did - and he hasn’t. Some people have a monstorous capacity to ignore the evil they did or were part of or responsible for. Will it make your life better with the threat of legal repurcussions over you. Or a physical or family fued. People like that have families that are as rough and damaged as they are. He knows what he did. He is able to shrug it off. If you write to him and he shrugs it off again - or worse -denies it or calls you a liar - how damaging will that be for you?

    People like that may be able to get people to rally around them. Likeminded corrupt cronies, family who will take his side or lie for him, free legal aid who will pity and elderly man being intimidated and (he may say) coerced or intimidated for an unproved accident decades ago. If you say you don’t want anything you let him off the hook and absolve him, (why should you) and if you don’t it could be implied blackmail or coercive control or defamation. HUGE awards are made in the UK and Ireland for defamation - either written or repeated and witnessed orally - life changing eye watering sums. Do you want to give this manipulative liar and cheat that power over you? On top of what he’s done??

    By all means write your feelings and write if it will make gou feel better to him as though you were going to deliver it - but that will tempt you to send it. Councellers and therapists are very happy clappy and idealistic and I’m not saying it mihht not feel good for you - but they din’t know the law and the life changing legal dangers and legal consequences encouraging you to do this can bring. Not to mention a man who would do something like this, and then coerce the child into a lie, and cheat the child and his family with a toy, have no remorse or conscience and carry on denying / lying/ hiding/ ignoring it for the rest of his life whole living closeby.

    Even of you were to wreck his head and * with him by putting on gloves and writing a letter that said ‘everybody knows what you did in 1984’ what might it do. Worry him - maybe - but about what - social standing? - otherwise there are NO consequences . Who knew - just you - he will know where to come. Make him angry - at who - you - it gives him the power to threaten & be abusive to you or set up a dangerous war between families.

    I used think that if the people who had mistreated, cheated or wronged me knew or if I could tell them the impact of what they did and make the understand it would make me forgive or be able to set aside what they did or the impact and other consequences it had on me. But having tried it once or twice ( at therapists advice) I now see that some people are morally just from such a different place and mentality that they will never see, understand, bear responsibility or care about the devestating thing they did so callously and all the pain and trouble and domino effect of serious problems it caused. Some people are just self serving, self protecting vermin and will remain that way all their lives.

    You assume (like I did) that if he was told and if he knew he would feel remorse or admit he was wrong or see that it was a vile and horrifying series of things to do to a child, neighbour and family. How damaging will it be for you if you write it and there is no acceptance, admission or Disney ending - and things get even worse for you - and he gets to win twice and destroy you again.

    Look at Margaret Ward - no shame, no conscience, total lies, no moral compass. Recidivist criminal. Look at the coiple who repeatedly targeted elderly vulnerable women to steL their lifes savings. 60+ prior convictions. No shame, no remorse - stole e120,000 and returned e70. Look at the self serving lies trotted out in courts every day. There are many people out there who have not been caught or tried or convicted and who are just as calculating and cunning and are like that in every thing they do that benefits them. I would argue that a driver that hits a child, gets out of the car to coerce and bribe it, leaves it injured at the side of the road and drives off and them continues the lie by carrying through on the toy/bribe and coercing the child into lying to his parents and creating a bond based on deceit with his ‘abuser’ is exactly the kind of man who would bahave like this in every opportunity that would benefit him that he got.

    Leopards don’t change their spots.

    Don’t let him hurt you again or damage you further. IMO.


  • Options
    #30
    johnmck
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 415 ✭✭johnmck


    JustAThought wrote: »
    Does he have family? Do you know his name / where he lives.

    He’s had a lifetime to repent and make good on the evil he did - and he hasn’t. Some people have a monstorous capacity to ignore the evil they did or were part of or responsible for. Will it make your life better with the threat of legal repurcussions over you. Or a physical or family fued. People like that have families that are as rough and damaged as they are. He knows what he did. He is able to shrug it off. If you write to him and he shrugs it off again - or worse -denies it or calls you a liar - how damaging will that be for you?

    People like that may be able to get people to rally around them. Likeminded corrupt cronies, family who will take his side or lie for him, free legal aid who will pity and elderly man being intimidated and (he may say) coerced or intimidated for an unproved accident decades ago. If you say you don’t want anything you let him off the hook and absolve him, (why should you) and if you don’t it could be implied blackmail or coercive control or defamation. HUGE awards are made in the UK and Ireland for defamation - either written or repeated and witnessed orally - life changing eye watering sums. Do you want to give this manipulative liar and cheat that power over you? On top of what he’s done??

    By all means write your feelings and write if it will make gou feel better to him as though you were going to deliver it - but that will tempt you to send it. Councellers and therapists are very happy clappy and idealistic and I’m not saying it mihht not feel good for you - but they din’t know the law and the life changing legal dangers and legal consequences encouraging you to do this can bring. Not to mention a man who would do something like this, and then coerce the child into a lie, and cheat the child and his family with a toy, have no remorse or conscience and carry on denying / lying/ hiding/ ignoring it for the rest of his life whole living closeby.

    Even of you were to wreck his head and * with him by putting on gloves and writing a letter that said ‘everybody knows what you did in 1984’ what might it do. Worry him - maybe - but about what - social standing? - otherwise there are NO consequences . Who knew - just you - he will know where to come. Make him angry - at who - you - it gives him the power to threaten & be abusive to you or set up a dangerous war between families.

    I used think that if the people who had mistreated, cheated or wronged me knew or if I could tell them the impact of what they did and make the understand it would make me forgive or be able to set aside what they did or the impact and other consequences it had on me. But having tried it once or twice ( at therapists advice) I now see that some people are morally just from such a different place and mentality that they will never see, understand, bear responsibility or care about the devestating thing they did so callously and all the pain and trouble and domino effect of serious problems it caused. Some people are just self serving, self protecting vermin and will remain that way all their lives.

    You assume (like I did) that if he was told and if he knew he would feel remorse or admit he was wrong or see that it was a vile and horrifying series of things to do to a child, neighbour and family. How damaging will it be for you if you write it and there is no acceptance, admission or Disney ending - and things get even worse for you - and he gets to win twice and destroy you again.

    Look at Margaret Ward - no shame, no conscience, total lies, no moral compass. Recidivist criminal. Look at the coiple who repeatedly targeted elderly vulnerable women to steL their lifes savings. 60+ prior convictions. No shame, no remorse - stole e120,000 and returned e70. Look at the self serving lies trotted out in courts every day. There are many people out there who have not been caught or tried or convicted and who are just as calculating and cunning and are like that in every thing they do that benefits them. I would argue that a driver that hits a child, gets out of the car to coerce and bribe it, leaves it injured at the side of the road and drives off and them continues the lie by carrying through on the toy/bribe and coercing the child into lying to his parents and creating a bond based on deceit with his ‘abuser’ is exactly the kind of man who would bahave like this in every opportunity that would benefit him that he got.

    Leopards don’t change their spots.

    Don’t let him hurt you again or damage you further. IMO.

    No chance of him hurting me again. He has one son. They are not the dangerous kind. Upstanding citizens of society they'd be seen as. If I go ahead with this, as I said, I'll not be typing me name. It's more an exercise for me to clear my head of it.

    I done something similar last year with somebody who stole a lot of personal belongings off me and it really helped me to leave it behind and shut the door on it once and for all.

    Anyway, I'll give it some more thought


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #31
    FobleAsNuck
    Registered Users Posts: 794 ✭✭✭FobleAsNuck


    In situations like this one, I would advise against looking for validation or reasons not to do something. The sheer fact this is so engraved in your memory you want to do it after 37 years will only have cathartic results. You don't need permission, validation and looking for reasons not to do it is only repressing those feelings. Do what you feel you need, it's your life that has been changed for worse - least you can do is get it off your heart.


Advertisement