Advice please - new relationship

TheadoreT wrote: »

Have to say this sentence made me laugh. You feel bombarded? You're to one who camped yourself in more or less strangers house for a weekend including significant time without your boyfriend. They're the ones who've been bombarded, especially given the pandemic timing. You've overstepped several boundaries here and the fact you think they're the ones showing red flags makes yourself and your boyfiend come across at best gormless if you're that oblivious.

This is their home, where they relax and wind down and to have a stranger wandering around the entire time was probably overwhelming for the mother. Of course she's going to be friendly and welcoming to you but that doesn't mean she's wasnt massively uncomfortable at the same time which she understandably seems to have been given the fallout.

Use this as a learning curve to be more considerate of people aside from yourself, your post is only really about your own woe with zero consideration for the awkward position you put the family through. Being friendly and polite doesn't negate that.

If all of what you say above is the case, then the responsibility is on their son to respect the boundaries in the home and be more considerate of his parents.

He invited his girlfriend to stay, therefore he put his family through that and he should have had more consideration. OP was merely a guest. She thought she was welcome, it’s not like she showed up unannounced expecting to be catered to. Her boyfriend is the one in the wrong for handling all of this so poorly.
He is the one who should have had more consideration for his parents.

I think you are being extremely unfair on OP here when her boyfriend is the one who disrespected his parents and put his girlfriend in a really awkward position.

You are the first girlfriend he's brought home. So, the first meeting was probably wanting to make a good impression all around. But when his parents see that you come over again within a very short space of time, and make yourself very much at home and he left you there by yourself, it's too much too soon and in the middle of a pandemic it's poor timing.

My feeling is that he got a bollocking from his folks for expecting that they'd entertain a relative stranger while he swanned off. What if they had planned a walk? Or maybe wanted some private time of their own given their son works from home? They are a couple too you know. With you sitting on their sofa and puttering around their kitchen they felt that they need to draw boundaries with their son and you. Mostly him, but he's likely transferred a fair bit of the blame onto you. That doesn't paint him in a good light tbh.

Why did he need to leave for a few hours if he works from home? And why did you both feel it was ok for you to sit in his parents house waiting for him? When your host leaves, you leave too. It's basic manners.

Also, with regard to covid rules. You say they were fine with overnight guests because they have others visiting - but did you or your boyfriend ever ask them if it was ok with them? Or, did you just assume it for them? If you did the latter, then it's a second reason to be pissed off at both of you. Just because she might be happy to break the rules to have her sister /neighbour in the house doesn't mean that other people such as her son or his girlfriend get to decide who else stays in her house. There's a big difference between a visitor staying for a couple of hours sitting far apart and an overnight guest using the kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. Did you sanitise surfaces after yourself? You might consider yourself safe but you both and your families are not following guidelines so you aren't safe.

If you want this relationship to work, stop visiting for a while, meet him elsewhere. When you do visit, be respectful. Check if it's ok to stay, check if it's ok before you treat the kitchen like your own, and don't overstay your welcome.

Dana Chubby Logger wrote: »

...Like he's stayed over in my parents place about 10 times.

Are your parents OK with all these overnight visits to their place? This is something else to be mindful of as well. I have every sympathy for the two of you because you don't have a place of your own but you're still using somebody else's space.

The OP says she was in a "very long relationship" so that could have her in her 30s.

We don't know why either of them are living with their parents but it could be circumstances conspiring against them. The rental market and Covid have forced some people back home. While I have every sympathy for them if they can't move out of their family homes for now, I think the pair of them are behaving in ways that aren't taking into account where they're staying. This is a new relationship and already the boyfriend has stayed over several times in her parent's house. How do they feel about that? Has the mark been overstepped in the OP's home? Her parents haven't spoken up in the way that his have done but they may be thinking along the same lines.

And also, as has been alluded to, if the boyfriend is telling fibs to cover himself, is that a desirable personality trait?

Not sure that I’d agree about the flowers delivery - because it feels like a very obvious apology to the new BF parents, whereas they maintained full on politeness while the OP was there. I’m not sure that underlining the situation would be a good idea. I’m getting the feeling that they were polite about the situation that they were dumped in by the OP and her new BF, but that reminding them that they pointed out a few home truths to their son might not be the soothing balm that others think.

Just to reiterate that they might be ok with people who they know very well coming into their home in these current times, but that doesn’t mean that they’re ok with a stranger (the OP) doing so. Even when restrictions were relaxed last summer, I thought a few times about meeting 2 friends who I knew would pay lip service to guidelines, but I also knew very well that they’d ultimately do whatever they wanted to. Whereas I happily met other friends who I knew would adhere to guidelines. So the OP being in their home for a weekend could well have made them very uncomfortable from a COVID perspective, let alone the too fast too soon element of it, and their son leaving them with a stranger in their home while he buggered off for a few hours.

I had an ex who used to be quite free inviting people over to her family home, it was that type of house where people would just drop in and out freely. She not only was okay with but expected me to make myself at home. I found it odd to adjust to at first, because I’m always very conscious of being respectful etc when in someone else’s home, but kinda went along because she had a child so it was a practical necessity for us to get to see each other with any kind of regularity to build something.

Similar to yourself OP, her Mam started having nitpicky issues with me early on, when I’d done nothing and if anything would go out of my way to be nice and offer to do dishes after dinner, get them something from the kitchen etc if they were around. It’s similar to what everyone is saying to you OP, I look back now and it’s clear as day: she was feeling a bit off about having a stranger in her own home.

In that case, it was my ex’s fault and I should’ve called it out. She was being totally selfish wanting to have me be the one doing the travelling and expecting her Mam to just adjust. The Mam wasn’t going to see my side, even if she would’ve she wouldn’t even know it because my side was going to be filtered through the ex.

In the end, I actually won her over by being a bit apologetic for being there, doing bits for them around the house, so she saw as helpful and good with her grandchild too. I’d bring her into the decision-making process when I kinda twigged what was happening and would do things like ask if she was okay with me staying, apologise if I was there for a couple days or reassure her that I’d be leaving in a bit and not spending the night etc.

I’d highly recommend you listen to the feedback you’ve gotten in this thread, be mindful of who owns the home and embrace boundaries like they’re your best mate. If the relationship has any future all these things will need to be navigated.

Deleted User wrote: »

I have to be honest, this is the first thing that came to my mind too. Especially as...

I'd take a step back and re-evaluate, if I were you. It sounds to me like he is looking for an out.

Struck me as well.

Of course my first though was why on earth was your boyfriend telling you all this in the first place? Strange. In addition I wondered if leaving you alone with his parents was deliberate on his part. Maybe wrong but I found it odd he was insisting you come over regardless of the fact he was going gone for a long time.