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Advice please - new relationship

[Deleted User]

Hi all,

I got out of a very long relationship and this is the first relationship since. I've only known the person a few months and we made things official last month. I have met their parents a couple of times. My issue is that the boyfriend turned around to me today after I had stayed the weekend to say their parents were upset. (They live at home)

I was shocked as this was only the second time I had stayed and third time we had met eachother. They had apparently shared their dissatisfaction that I was being a different person around them and another person when the boyfriend was there, he had been gone for a few hours as he had things to do which was totally fine.

I just don't understand where this is coming from as I feel I was as I always am, chatting away having the jokes and banter etc but there were more issues from there. Another issue was that they didn't like that I made my own coffee/toast (I offered to make it myself as I dont expect to be waited on hand and foot) so just out of manners really i offered to do it. Everything seemed fine as the mum said she had taken the bread out for me to do it so I just don't know at all im confused and its coning across as being this big thing as the boyfriend put it to me thst it was a case of the parents sitting him down for this serious chat.

Then it was mentioned that I seemed annoyed that he was gone for so long. This wasn't the case at all. I though back and the mum was continously asking me had i heard anything from him and where was he last etc, she seemed more concerned than me but the mum said it seemed to be an issue, I was grand out about it I knew he had to be away in the morning before I stayed.

I'm just so confused and I honestly have no idea where its coming from im totally shocked at the little things that they were upset about. I get some people can be very sensitive about different things of course everyones different but at the same time but its a bit much this soon for me and i kind of feel a bit bombarded.

I am asking myself now was it too soon to be staying over and what will this mean now going forward and how will it affect things. I'm just shocked and bewildered that they had so many little things to pick out when we all don't know eachother well yet. How can someone say im a different person around different people after only spending a bit of time with me twice? I feel like I was polite mannerly I am a very respectful person but I dont know how to handle this at all really its not something I've ever had to deal with before and I just don't understand the objective of sitting someone down for a serious chat over it, apparently his mum had tears in her eyes which I feel awful if she did but at the same time I've done nothing wrong?. I just think its out of proportion altogether.

The boyfriend is now questioning things as he's worried about the fact that if the parents dont get on with me then what will happen. He mentioned he didn't say anything back even as much as that they are probably misunderstanding things and wasn't sure what to believe so he just came to me with it then and now im upset because I just feel completely judged and I feel I didn't do anything wrong but be polite and mannerly and chat away to them. I feel now id feel uncomfortable around them like im under a microscope or something.

I just think its all overboard and there's a misunderstanding somewhere along the lines but at the same time i think its insane to judge me like that when you've met me twice. Its a red flag for sure. Am I mad to feel this way? I feel I've not done anything wrong at all im honestly puzzled. Any advice is really appreciated.

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SusieBlue

TheadoreT wrote: »

Have to say this sentence made me laugh. You feel bombarded? You're to one who camped yourself in more or less strangers house for a weekend including significant time without your boyfriend. They're the ones who've been bombarded, especially given the pandemic timing. You've overstepped several boundaries here and the fact you think they're the ones showing red flags makes yourself and your boyfiend come across at best gormless if you're that oblivious.

This is their home, where they relax and wind down and to have a stranger wandering around the entire time was probably overwhelming for the mother. Of course she's going to be friendly and welcoming to you but that doesn't mean she's wasnt massively uncomfortable at the same time which she understandably seems to have been given the fallout.

Use this as a learning curve to be more considerate of people aside from yourself, your post is only really about your own woe with zero consideration for the awkward position you put the family through. Being friendly and polite doesn't negate that.

If all of what you say above is the case, then the responsibility is on their son to respect the boundaries in the home and be more considerate of his parents.

He invited his girlfriend to stay, therefore he put his family through that and he should have had more consideration. OP was merely a guest. She thought she was welcome, it’s not like she showed up unannounced expecting to be catered to. Her boyfriend is the one in the wrong for handling all of this so poorly.
He is the one who should have had more consideration for his parents.

I think you are being extremely unfair on OP here when her boyfriend is the one who disrespected his parents and put his girlfriend in a really awkward position.

Tork

This is one of those threads where I feel you'd get very different stories, depending on who you ask. Everybody appears to be wrong to some extent. All I can advise you to do, OP, is to visit these people less often and try to gauge how you're getting on with them. I also wonder are your own parents OK with your boyfriend staying over so often? Partners staying over too often is a known irritant in house shares and it might not be what your parents want either. Some posters have suggested that your boyfriend might have twisted the truth a bit here. If that's the case, that's something that you might not want in a partner going forward. In short, my advice to you is to keep an eye on things and see what happens.

[Deleted User]

Princess Calla wrote: »

I'm sorry to say this OP but there's an inner voice telling me he's looking for an out and he's going to use his mother as a scapegoat.

I have to be honest, this is the first thing that came to my mind too. Especially as...

BrokenSoul12 wrote: »

The boyfriend is now questioning things as he's worried about the fact that if the parents dont get on with me then what will happen.

I'd take a step back and re-evaluate, if I were you. It sounds to me like he is looking for an out.

TheadoreT

SusieBlue wrote: »

If all of what you say above is the case, then the responsibility is on their son to respect the boundaries in the home and be more considerate of his parents.

He invited his girlfriend to stay, therefore he put his family through that and he should have had more consideration. OP was merely a guest. She thought she was welcome, it’s not like she showed up unannounced expecting to be catered to. Her boyfriend is the one in the wrong for handling all of this so poorly.
He is the one who should have had more consideration for his parents.

I think you are being extremely unfair on OP here when her boyfriend is the one who disrespected his parents and put his girlfriend in a really awkward position.

They both are at fault. I'm not sure if his excursions away were preplanned and she knew about it beforehand but once that situation arises you don't hang around in a home where you're a stranger, its just weird and way too over familiar when the relationships could never be at that stage.

[Deleted User]

Forgive me for being blunt, but if you are staying in different bedrooms, why are you staying over at all? Would you not just go home?

qwerty13

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but are you both quite young? If you’re not, then I think you’ve both been taking very much for granted that your parents are ok having a new person staying in their house. Lots of parents wouldn’t be ok with that at the best of times, let alone in pandemic times.

My take on it is that you and your very new relationship BF have completely totally overstepped boundaries - and that would be true without Covid. I’d read that your BF parents were being polite to you, but that they were not happy with you staying overnight, and not happy with you making food in their kitchen.

Just because your BF still lives with his parents, or has moved back in with them, doesn’t give him free reign to invite anyone he wants to stay. I think both he and you have misjudged this.

If his parents are ok to have other people staying, that’s their choice. Maybe it’s a person they’ve known for ages, who they know how careful they’re being about social distancing. They don’t know you, so they’d be right to be cautious.

In short, you and your BF have both behaved quite selfishly. His parents clearly do not want you staying in their home. Respect their wishes. It’s their home, and although their son lives there, he has no rights re who gets to stay there.

Neyite

You are the first girlfriend he's brought home. So, the first meeting was probably wanting to make a good impression all around. But when his parents see that you come over again within a very short space of time, and make yourself very much at home and he left you there by yourself, it's too much too soon and in the middle of a pandemic it's poor timing.

My feeling is that he got a bollocking from his folks for expecting that they'd entertain a relative stranger while he swanned off. What if they had planned a walk? Or maybe wanted some private time of their own given their son works from home? They are a couple too you know. With you sitting on their sofa and puttering around their kitchen they felt that they need to draw boundaries with their son and you. Mostly him, but he's likely transferred a fair bit of the blame onto you. That doesn't paint him in a good light tbh.

Why did he need to leave for a few hours if he works from home? And why did you both feel it was ok for you to sit in his parents house waiting for him? When your host leaves, you leave too. It's basic manners.

Also, with regard to covid rules. You say they were fine with overnight guests because they have others visiting - but did you or your boyfriend ever ask them if it was ok with them? Or, did you just assume it for them? If you did the latter, then it's a second reason to be pissed off at both of you. Just because she might be happy to break the rules to have her sister /neighbour in the house doesn't mean that other people such as her son or his girlfriend get to decide who else stays in her house. There's a big difference between a visitor staying for a couple of hours sitting far apart and an overnight guest using the kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. Did you sanitise surfaces after yourself? You might consider yourself safe but you both and your families are not following guidelines so you aren't safe.

If you want this relationship to work, stop visiting for a while, meet him elsewhere. When you do visit, be respectful. Check if it's ok to stay, check if it's ok before you treat the kitchen like your own, and don't overstay your welcome.

hawley

If you are worried that you have inadvertently offended them, you could call up with a few gifts and a card. Try to clear the air and say sorry for any misunderstanding. Find out her favorite type of wine and choccies and get them delivered to her with a note thanking them for a lovely weekend.

Tork

BrokenSoul12 wrote: »

...Like he's stayed over in my parents place about 10 times.

Are your parents OK with all these overnight visits to their place? This is something else to be mindful of as well. I have every sympathy for the two of you because you don't have a place of your own but you're still using somebody else's space.

Lesalare

I've rather confused by this thread. I am gathering the OP is 16 or something?

All I seeing is: "Staying at my BF's parents house".

Who does this unless they are teenagers and if not and in a case where he's returned to live at home to save etc. why are they not staying at her place, or does she live with her Mum and Dad too?

I'd be mortified if I was in my 30's or so to be staying at a fellas parents house whom I'd only known a while. I'd find it hard to even stay in a situ where there was a housemate.

This situ is all very weird.

Tork

The OP says she was in a "very long relationship" so that could have her in her 30s.

Lesalare

Tork wrote: »

The OP says she was in a "very long relationship" so that could have her in her 30s.

Ooops. Thanks, yes I missed that bit.

I was just re-reading it again. Seems very odd to be saying:

"I've only known the person a few months and we made things official last month. I have met their parents a couple of times"

Bit unusual too, to be hanging around in his folks house when he's not there, esp. after only meeting them a couple of times.
I think I'd find that a tad strange if I was him Mum too.

I dunno, maybe I'm just weird.

Tork

We don't know why either of them are living with their parents but it could be circumstances conspiring against them. The rental market and Covid have forced some people back home. While I have every sympathy for them if they can't move out of their family homes for now, I think the pair of them are behaving in ways that aren't taking into account where they're staying. This is a new relationship and already the boyfriend has stayed over several times in her parent's house. How do they feel about that? Has the mark been overstepped in the OP's home? Her parents haven't spoken up in the way that his have done but they may be thinking along the same lines.

And also, as has been alluded to, if the boyfriend is telling fibs to cover himself, is that a desirable personality trait?

JustAThought

OP - older people can have very different ways and values. Maybe they think a few months of a relationship is far too short to be having sex. Maybe they’re OK with you invisibly having sex with their son but they don’t want the evidence it is happening. Maybe they’re the ‘not before your married/engaged’ types. You don’t know - and after one or two dinner visits you’re harsly in a position to know. Your BF should though - and knowing them should not have put you in yhat position regardless of how much he wanted it! He knows the best - the fault is his - parents are complicated.

Also, although some people can be very welcoming and friendly and courteous it seems that his parents arn’t the freeliving bohemian types where you can just rock up and hang out. Being invited over for a specific function (meet the parents, an evening meal) does not seem to mean here you can go and hang out and make yourself at home in the kitchen. They are clearly far more formal than that, and your BF again shoild have known this. Or he has learned it now - sadly at your expense.

A lot of people are paranoid about the covid, especially older people, and while to you ot might have seemed OK to go over and hamg out for a few days you now know it isn’t. Maybe also the agegp of what you said and ‘the banter’ they found too intimate for them or too informal. Again - your BF should not have left you (what was he thinking?) and should have known better. He also should have found a way to put it to you better than the way he did.

I’d be a bit concerned that your BF dosn’t show a lot of consideration or empathy either to you or to his parents.

Either way ,covid or not, I’d make future plans that don’t involve going over to his parents house except for short and formal meals with a short timeframe before departure, and plan to have your intimacy and hanging out elsewhere.

I’d +1 for investing in having flowers delivered and a thank you card - even if your BF says its not necessary - they were clearly put out and upset and you want to keep them onside - from a distance.

qwerty13

Not sure that I’d agree about the flowers delivery - because it feels like a very obvious apology to the new BF parents, whereas they maintained full on politeness while the OP was there. I’m not sure that underlining the situation would be a good idea. I’m getting the feeling that they were polite about the situation that they were dumped in by the OP and her new BF, but that reminding them that they pointed out a few home truths to their son might not be the soothing balm that others think.

Just to reiterate that they might be ok with people who they know very well coming into their home in these current times, but that doesn’t mean that they’re ok with a stranger (the OP) doing so. Even when restrictions were relaxed last summer, I thought a few times about meeting 2 friends who I knew would pay lip service to guidelines, but I also knew very well that they’d ultimately do whatever they wanted to. Whereas I happily met other friends who I knew would adhere to guidelines. So the OP being in their home for a weekend could well have made them very uncomfortable from a COVID perspective, let alone the too fast too soon element of it, and their son leaving them with a stranger in their home while he buggered off for a few hours.

[Deleted User]

Inviting someone to your house and then not being there for a few hours is a huge red flag and the sign of a flake.

leggo

I had an ex who used to be quite free inviting people over to her family home, it was that type of house where people would just drop in and out freely. She not only was okay with but expected me to make myself at home. I found it odd to adjust to at first, because I’m always very conscious of being respectful etc when in someone else’s home, but kinda went along because she had a child so it was a practical necessity for us to get to see each other with any kind of regularity to build something.

Similar to yourself OP, her Mam started having nitpicky issues with me early on, when I’d done nothing and if anything would go out of my way to be nice and offer to do dishes after dinner, get them something from the kitchen etc if they were around. It’s similar to what everyone is saying to you OP, I look back now and it’s clear as day: she was feeling a bit off about having a stranger in her own home.

In that case, it was my ex’s fault and I should’ve called it out. She was being totally selfish wanting to have me be the one doing the travelling and expecting her Mam to just adjust. The Mam wasn’t going to see my side, even if she would’ve she wouldn’t even know it because my side was going to be filtered through the ex.

In the end, I actually won her over by being a bit apologetic for being there, doing bits for them around the house, so she saw as helpful and good with her grandchild too. I’d bring her into the decision-making process when I kinda twigged what was happening and would do things like ask if she was okay with me staying, apologise if I was there for a couple days or reassure her that I’d be leaving in a bit and not spending the night etc.

I’d highly recommend you listen to the feedback you’ve gotten in this thread, be mindful of who owns the home and embrace boundaries like they’re your best mate. If the relationship has any future all these things will need to be navigated.

LLMMLL

While they probably are annoyed about you staying over so quickly and the manner in which it was done, and while they probably have a good point, the way they have communicated it indicates they are probably mad as a box of hatters.

I can’t imagine my parents nitpicking about someone acting like a different person around them. What nonsense. And your bf seems a little under the thumb of his response to being told you don’t butter your toast correctly is to run to you wondering if you have a future together.

Only thing you can do is knock the overnights on the head. Visit once a week and be polite and let them serve you tea, though your bf will probably be told you’re an entitled Madame.

Calypso Realm

Deleted User wrote: »

I have to be honest, this is the first thing that came to my mind too. Especially as...

I'd take a step back and re-evaluate, if I were you. It sounds to me like he is looking for an out.

Struck me as well.

Of course my first though was why on earth was your boyfriend telling you all this in the first place? Strange. In addition I wondered if leaving you alone with his parents was deliberate on his part. Maybe wrong but I found it odd he was insisting you come over regardless of the fact he was going gone for a long time.